"5 month affair" lasted 11 months..jerk!!

](*,) im angry..i just found out that my husbands "5 month affair" was actually like a year long. jerk. weve been bak together for 6 months & he has had no contact with her at all. hes working really hard to make our marriage work. what do i do now?

Did he tell you about the longer time period, or did you find out on your own?

I'm sure if you didn't catch him and confronted the other woman you mentioned in the other thread the cheating would've kept going.

He can try all he wants but it comes down to you. You can truly forgive him and move on hoping for a better marriage or this is going to cause more problems down the road and you simply cannot move forward without a divorce.

he needs to come clean about EVERYTHING. because if you keep finding out that he's lied about this and that, and covered up lies with other lies, how will you ever be able to rebuild trust? you won't.

Did he tell you about the longer time period, or did you find out on your own?

i just checked my cell bill tonight. it goes back 18 months!!! he said june 09 to october 09. they had been together since dec 2008! help!!

I'm sure if you didn't catch him and confronted the other woman you mentioned in the other thread the cheating would've kept going.

 

He can try all he wants but it comes down to you. You can truly forgive him and move on hoping for a better marriage or this is going to cause more problems down the road and you simply cannot move forward without a divorce.

oh my gosh...yea he would still be with her if i hadnt found out! ur so right! i love him but i keep finding out more and more.

he needs to come clean about EVERYTHING. because if you keep finding out that he's lied about this and that, and covered up lies with other lies, how will you ever be able to rebuild trust? you won't.

ur right..i wont. so help...now what?

Whoa, what a lying piece of scum! Dump him to the curb. He obviously cares little about you and will continue to cheat on you if you keep taking him back.

I have learned that cheaters will deny until they are red in the face. Many cheaters are confronted and yet they still lie about the length of time said affair has been going on (this has happened to me as well!).

My lesson: move to a new guy. One who will never treat you like this, and definitely one who will never lie to you like this.

Whoa, what a lying piece of scum! Dump him to the curb. He obviously cares little about you and will continue to cheat on you if you keep taking him back.

 

I have learned that cheaters will deny until they are red in the face. Many cheaters are confronted and yet they still lie about the length of time said affair has been going on (this has happened to me as well!).

 

My lesson: move to a new guy. One who will never treat you like this, and definitely one who will never lie to you like this.

thank you...yes im beyond devastated

I'd be enraged and so friggin p*ssed off that I'd calmly gather my things and walk away while he was at work... but that's just me.

I cannot ever deal with infidelity, it's not just cheating - it's violating nearly every single moral I live by. It's such a nasty form of disrespect.

I couldn't even continue on with my man if he did that because all that would be going through my head is simply this: every time he looked at me in the eye so lovingly, professing his undying affection... every time he complimented me above all other women... every sweet gesture he made - all while having this affair would mean he's very, very capable of being a heartless pr*ck without a conscience.

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There are alot of good articles and you will learn in the forums that you are not alone.

I think you need to have a long talk with your husband and ask him to tell you the whole truth. Explain to him that regardless how bad the truth might be, you want him to be honest with you now that a lot of it is out in the open rather than lie or hide it from you.

The truth always comes out. Don't fight, yell, scream, swear, and believe me I know this can be hard, just try and stay calm and talk it all over. Once you get your answers, you need time apart. Week or two without much contact if any. This will give you time alone and to think whether you want to even continue being in a marriage with this man. You and you alone only know what is acceptable to you and if you can forgive and get past this affair.

Good luck.

I'd be enraged and so friggin p*ssed off that I'd calmly gather my things and walk away while he was at work... but that's just me.

 

I cannot ever deal with infidelity, it's not just cheating - it's violating nearly every single moral I live by. It's such a nasty form of disrespect.

 

I couldn't even continue on with my man if he did that because all that would be going through my head is simply this: every time he looked at me in the eye so lovingly, professing his undying affection... every time he complimented me above all other women... every sweet gesture he made - all while having this affair would mean he's very, very capable of being a heartless pr*ck without a conscience.

can i be you for a day? ur so much tougher than me

I think you need to have a long talk with your husband and ask him to tell you the whole truth. Explain to him that regardless how bad the truth might be, you want him to be honest with you now that a lot of it is out in the open rather than lie or hide it from you.

The truth always comes out. Don't fight, yell, scream, swear, and believe me I know this can be hard, just try and stay calm and talk it all over. Once you get your answers, you need time apart. Week or two without much contact if any. This will give you time alone and to think whether you want to even continue being in a marriage with this man. You and you alone only know what is acceptable to you and if you can forgive and get past this affair.

 

Good luck.

oh hes told me all of it. so he says. he says im stressing over stuff that "dont matter" it matters to me. what will i find out tomoro? i will listen to u

Why do you think you deserve this? Why would you even stay with him? The whole thing is based on a lie.

?

oh hes told me all of it. so he says. he says im stressing over stuff that "dont matter" it matters to me. what will i find out tomoro? i will listen to u

Since you are finding out new stuff all the time, he doesn't seem to have told you about it ALL.

He needs to realize your marriage is not a game and you have to make that clear to him. I would also suggest if you do decide to work it out, than seek professional help, visit a marriage counselor who can help you both get past this and lead you in the right direction.

Your husband needs to understand this is the time to be honest and you need t be firm about that.

oh hes told me all of it. so he says. he says im stressing over stuff that "dont matter" it matters to me. what will i find out tomoro? i will listen to u

Please read the articles over at link removed. Please also share them with your husband. If you are going to R, he needs to be totally open with you and share every detail.

However, this is not to be used to your advantage. You should only be asking details about things that are truly important and that you believe will help you heal.

Read this article

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and this

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and this

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and this to me was the best article on there.....

To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

 

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

 

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

 

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

 

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

 

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

 

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

 

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

 

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

 

It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

 

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There are alot of good articles and you will learn in the forums that you are not alone.

Yes, I agree some reading of the Healing Library and the forum posts would be helpfull for you to understand not only your own feelings, but your partner's as well.

What you are getting is the "trickle truth". They start out telling you just enough to get you off their backs. Then as time goes on and their "fog" of the affair lifts, more and more pieces of the puzzle come out and fall into place. He needs to be completely transparent to you, but it will take time. If you are truly trying to reconcile, I would highly recommend checking out the website iBroken listed, link removed, it is dedicated to dealing with recovering from affairs and tells BOTH sides of the story.

Good luck and stay strong!

Yes, I agree some reading of the Healing Library and the forum posts would be helpfull for you to understand not only your own feelings, but your partner's as well.

 

What you are getting is the "trickle truth". They start out telling you just enough to get you off their backs. Then as time goes on and their "fog" of the affair lifts, more and more pieces of the puzzle come out and fall into place. He needs to be completely transparent to you, but it will take time. If you are truly trying to reconcile, I would highly recommend checking out the website iBroken listed, link removed, it is dedicated to dealing with recovering from affairs and tells BOTH sides of the story.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

ok i will read it. thank you

keep in mind that when people get caught in infidelity they are usually terrified and can panic and tell a lot of partial truths, or sanitize the events a bit to make it seem not so bad.

So this is not unusual behavior, and many times it takes a LONG time to get to the real bottom of the story... And a lot depends on the personality... if he's a relatively 'weak' person, he may not be able to stand up and tell the whole truth because he is too scared to do so or is afraid of your anger or just hoping it will all go away.

It also might be a 'technicality', as in he only slept with her for 5 months, but had an emotional affair with tons of phone calls for a full year before that. So him declaring it only went on for 5 months might be him answering how long the sex techically went on, and leaving out the emotional component before it.

You need to focus on whether you want to stay in this marriage, and if you do, don't let something like this derail your attempts to move forward. You didn't catch him cheating again, you caught something that is already water over the dam. YOu certainly have a right to be angry about the affair, but you need to put this in perspective based on what your goals and objectives are, and focus on those rather than looking back.