Un-Identity v.2

I am so bored today, so I decided to re-channel my thoughts again. Hopefully this journal will take a different shape than the last one. It became such a huge dark cloud I thought it might honestly implode.

My mother is starting chemotherapy and radiation for her cancer in the coming weeks. This makes it suddenly real where it was not before. The surgery went well over the holidays and it all seemed like it would go away. No is the time to watch her sort of deteriorate in order to beat the cancer. She stills smokes constantly; I am back home for the most part, making it a point to clean the house and stay pleasant. I even work out and eat less so she does not snap at me. My weight is such an annoyance for her; I figure it can only help to continue to work towards being better.

I hate that she has not stopped smoking, though. There is something grim about it. My father is bucking against her very badly. He does not want her to stop working, as their financial problems (as well as mine) get worse by the day. Nothing seems to be coming together very well and I wonder how we will all make it.

I still have not landed full-time employment or additional employment anywhere and it plagues me every day. Sometimes I really do not see a way out. I have sort of deadened my emotions for the most part and feel much better.

Over the course of the past months I definitely found out who my true friends were, and honestly they are the most true friends anyone on earth could ever ask for. That has to be the reason they are still around. I feel a lot of guilt for not being very helpful or interesting or even interestED for quite some time. I have a hell of a time staying in touch with people or being friendly... I just keep to myself so naturally that it becomes a hard habit to break.

Certainly feel less suicidal, but still do not feel any more clarity or hope. Hope and clarity evade me like no one's business... and I still do not like it when people dislike me. Some things never really change.

Yesterday was really horrific in terms of communication with my mother. She is extremely stressed and naturally very explosive so this will be a tough time. I have decided to stay quiet on discussing any of my thoughts, goals or concerns... she cannot handle them and I have to respect that.

She honestly does not support me and feels that at my age I should be completely self-sufficient and gone from home. I obviously wish that were the case, as I crave independence and solitude. Sadly, I am not really seeing any options for change but I will have to go about it in a completely different way than I have before.

I have to really focus on the things in my life that are positive in any way. Some people do care, they see something in me I do not see in myself and I am glad to care about people. I wish I could do a better job.

Should really make a list of things I need to accomplish. That may either overwhelm or motivate me.

Why is it so difficult just to make a way for yourself in life? I need access to health care, money to pay for basic needs and my debt, a place to stay and a way to get to work.

These things are nearly impossible for me to obtain or maintain. I have a BA. I am not a felon or a drug addict or a high school drop out. Those people break my heart; no clue how they make it in life. I have no financial support but I thought having a degree and some experience would help me somewhere. Is that not what everyone is aspiring to?? I see people all the time talking about classes and whatnot.

I want to scream "STOPPP! It does not help!"

Time is better spent trying to find connections.

..........................

My current mood is extremely low. I wonder if the cold in here has anything to do with it? That would be interesting to find out. Does a cold work environment contribute to low moods? Dumb, I guess.

..............................

.......................

The weather is really not doing me many favors. The gloom just seals in all of that sickness and sadness.

My mother had her first chemo infusion and radiation session today. She seemed well, which is sad almost because it will likely get so bad.

The chemo and radiation seem to be going well, she isn't very sick yet. I'm surprised and still hesitant about what will happen.

I pretty much feel a weird sense of blah lately; the highlight of my day was a piece of pizza since I haven't had any in a long time. Sad. lol

My inability to mood-stabilize is definitely correlated to living with my parents. They are different people all the time and it is impossible to know exactly which reaction you should expect from them about anything. I have yet to talk to my dad about the possibility of moving, and I worry about this greatly. They have no one and they've never been without me. The same can be said for me, of course.

My mother thinks I am easily led on and have no opinions for myself, which may be true, but I am not sure how I could go about doing things "right". She thinks I'm just "running off with people" to "live their life". Really, I just want a job and a change of scenery and a chance to find my own life.

I don't know.

I am just so sick of being sad. No clue what to do with my life.

This weekend was very crippling in terms of feeling motivated towards anything. The house, on the whole, is very sick and sad. The weather and the gloom along with the nervousness and fear/sadness really starts to creep into your very being and start to dismantle you piece by piece. There is a stuffy quiet to the house for the most part. At any time you will see my mother laying wrapped on the couch, dogs on either side of her, asleep. You may also see me sulking in a chair staring at the tv or my father doing the same but with a feigned hopefulness on his face.

Any noises or smells send my mother into a fit of panic. We cannot really cook or clean without some sort of resistance. She is confused as to why this is happening and blames medication but we all know chemo is going to fight her.

I have spent the last few weekends without leaving the house. I think this fact annoys my father worse than anything. He wishes he could at least say I had made it in life and had a purpose. Certainly will let him down there, I have nothing to show for my 23 years of breathing.

Finally got past the anniversary of my incident last year. I suppose, even in my utter hopelessness, I am doing better. Still there are things I cannot really shake.

Funny how I just said I think I am better but I still long to be gone. Really, I feel the worst when I realize I have nothing to look forward to. My biggest fear is boredom but I lack the interest to do anything to occupy my time.

I have this horrible way of never moving forward. Friends with someone for ten years, things fall out, then he becomes bored and contacts me again. We meet up and I get my hopes up for friendship and we fall out again. Now, an old enemy of mine from high school has broken up with my high school boyfriend and I think "we could be friends again, wow I would love to hang out". WHY? She was never my friend, she tormented me...

And here I am thinking of contacting her, not to mention thinking of going back to my drunken selfish band obsessed ex.

What was that lyric I heard Pink sing? Always waiting for a ring of the telephone to prove to yourself you're not alone? Sad, pathetic little waste of life I am.

Hopefully someone takes pleasure in this, at least.

I absolutely hate that humans need other humans to be happy and healthy simply because it has never been something I was able to do!! I can eat well and exercise and study or work and save money or donate my time or do whatever but for some reason I cannot make and keep friends so my "soul" or whatever the hell will just shrivel away...

I just don't know.

Just another thought, but why should I ever do something for someone else they wouldn't do for me if it doesn't even really benefit anyone?

Life is about giving and taking but to what degree. Hm.

I'm in a really stubborn, defiant, "I want to punch you in your smug face" mood right now. I'm lucky my only interactions with people are online or I honestly would be in jail today. Ew.

I browsed through off topic for a bit today and saw everyone's debates about popularity. Made me sort of miss being an active member here, but there is no longer any use in that for anyone. As many bad feelings as I have for this place, I really do miss the feeling of friendship I had.

................................

Yesterday was inexcusable. I can hardly even remember what caused a three hour fight with my father, but it should not really come as a surprise because we are so different and we both have such severe problems on either side of the coin.

He hates my dogs. Shadow is 12, was my childhood dog and as I moved on my own with my ex it seemed my parents would care for him. Thinking I would stay with my ex forever, we got a dog together. Now I'm at home and the two dogs are suddenly the bane of everyone's existence.

Walking on egg shells at all times about barking, or feeding, or anything. My dad is so undermining and stubborn; he thinks he knows every damn thing. He hates me because I went to school, don't drink or smoke pot or take pills like him and he thinks I'm a failure for not having friends and going out.

Sorry. He tells me all the time "you think you're perfect and criticize everyone else. your problem is that you don't believe in god"... UM, spare me that bs. Spare me. I do not think anything of the sort and the least of my problems is atheism.

He flew off in a rage for absolutely no reason and I almost laughed as he did it. He's screaming "thank you sir, may I have another" (at "god") over and over like some friggin mental ward patient... getting up in my face like he's going to kill me.

RIDICULOUS.

He is so threatened by the fact I want to learn, be happy, not have a substance abuse problem (including weight problems I battle) and just want to finally get out of the trailer life style and have a good future.

Isn't that what you want your kids to strive for???

He thinks it is me being snooty. I lived in a trailer my whole life and never had anything, but cops coming to the house, fights, him drunk and the house falling apart and he says I am spoiled and lead a "cushy" life.

He LOVES his story of being beaten and neglected. He wears it like a badge of proof he's a "good person". It is tragic, not the mark of a good person. All in how you learn from it and he hasn't learned a damn thing.

UGH!

Why do I get so annoyed and feel let down when someone is busy all the time? I hate how I go out of my way to always be available to someone. It is so stupid because they won't and shouldn't do that for me... but then I feel rejected.

I'm mental.

What's the reason you stay at that house? With its toxic atmosphere?

I know finances are a huge issue for you now, but is there no way your part-time work can cover your rent in just a ROOM with housemates somewhere else?

Why do I get so annoyed and feel let down when someone is busy all the time? I hate how I go out of my way to always be available to someone. It is so stupid because they won't and shouldn't do that for me... but then I feel rejected.

 

I'm mental.

That is so me, I feel the same when it happens to me. And I feel empty afterwards.

(Wila)

What's the reason you stay at that house? With its toxic atmosphere?

 

I know finances are a huge issue for you now, but is there no way your part-time work can cover your rent in just a ROOM with housemates somewhere else?

No, sadly. I make so very little, ToV. I have huge bills to pay every month and I have nothing at the end of it. I'm stuck for now. Really, that's why I stayed with my ex so long. It was easier to attempt to avoid him and hide in that apartment than deal with this home.

That is so me, I feel the same when it happens to me. And I feel empty afterwards.

 

(Wila)

Yep, it's awful. I feel stupid for doing that but it really does leave me empty and sad.

Hm, I'm sorry to hear that.

Because this:

He's screaming "thank you sir, may I have another" (at "god") over and over like some friggin mental ward patient... getting up in my face like he's going to kill me.

brought up some pretty vivid memories of my own, with my father. Complete with teeth gnashing. (I still have nightmares around these "scenes".)

When I went back to their house after college (because I was ill and couldn't support myself), I felt like it was a death by a thousand cuts. I got on state and federal low income housing lists, because I knew if I stayed there, I would die of psychic poisoning. Maybe you can look into something like that. Every state has an office, part of which is a federal list, and part state. I know...a blow to the ego, and pride, big time. But it was my one of many life-saving things I've done for myself.

(Something else I did for a while is work as a caregiver/choreworker for a woman with Alzheimer's -- I got room and board in exchange for caring for her. It wasn't easy, but it was joy compared to living with my parents. So there are creative exchange solutions like that. Even chorework agencies might have something like that, that'll work around your other work schedule.)

Otherwise...I feel for you. If you absolutely can't make it out...put up a shield in your mind...armour...that doesn't let the bad in. That's a visual to play and work with.

Thank you, those are good tips. I have no pride left, honestly. It isn't beneath me to be anywhere. I've lost everyone and everything so it all comes with the territory. I'm just glad there are opportunities for housing out there for people.

Only thing is, I'd feel guilty to take a room when someone with nowhere at all to turn could have it. Idk..