Un-Identity v.2

[Perfect Dark]

Iphy- I think you're awesome and would love to hang-out with you.

 

Just sayin'

 

"In your corner"

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Iphy- I think you're awesome and would love to hang-out with you.

 

Just sayin'

 

"In your corner"

 

Aww, that means a lot to me! I think you are too. Maybe one day we can lol. I'd just need some travelin' monies.

[Perfect Dark]

Aww, that means a lot to me! I think you are too. Maybe one day we can lol. I'd just need some travelin' monies.

 

Me too, hopefully in April when I get my redundancy money.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Sooo... I've decided to go with a diet and exercise plan for good. I have a list, I worked out yesterday... all things should be set for change. What the HELL else do I have to do?

 

Sadly, nothing else seems better.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It is really interesting how I've grown to dislike some of the people I thought I truly did like. It becomes necessary at some point to look into this more deeply and understand why; but I find selfishness and the lure of gossip such a turn off. Some people really only care about you when it suits them and often they are just looking to rummage through your baggage for kicks.

 

I still don't know myself, but I will count those things as traits I do not wish to possess.

[Ellie2006]

Why do people engage you with sincerity, only to avoid you after you respond? This happens often to me.

 

Sorry to intrude in on your journal but had to comment after reading this post.

NOT to imply that you're like me, but I can commiserate with what you wrote above...

 

I have high expectation of people -- "friends," to be more specific.

I like to think that I treat my friends very well, with respect and sincerity. I make myself available to them. BUT I have to be very careful NOT to expect too much, y'know? Just bc I am a certain kind of friend and act a certain kind of way towards them, it does not mean they will reciprocate, exactly in kind. They'll be my friend, in their own way.

 

It's hard, though, to lower my expectations. But I know it's something I have to do, if I do not want to hold grudges or resent my friends -- I dont want to be THAT person who holds their friends up to some crazy high standard and get disappointed, when they cant meet my arbitrary standard.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling so I'll stop. BUT I'm glad you've come back here to purge yourself of these thoughts. Everyone needs a safe place like that.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Sending positive energy your way ...

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This is all very true, thanks for your input. My "friends" are all people I don't see. Usually on blackberry messenger or texts or emails. Someone will proclaim to really care about me or whatever but I will respond to their message and will not hear from them again- ever. lol Or minimally in months and months.

 

I just don't get it. I guess it goes with not having actual friends, this is something I definitely want to improve upon.

 

I've connected with people and gone out but I just don't feel great about it. You're right, I do expect too much of people and myself, but I don't want to be used or just hanging out in bars.

 

Bleh.

[Ellie2006]

Bleh, indeed!

 

I know what you mean. As for me, I think of my friends as "actual friends" but in this day and age, when everybody seems to be busy busy busy, friendships/relationships seem to whittle down to txt messages/(mass) emails/facebook posts, etc.

 

I guess I'm a very busy person as well -- there's always something that I *could* be doing BUT when friends say they need me, I avail myself to them, bc my schedule is flexible like that. But I try not to expect them to respond in kind -- just bc I prioritize friendships/relationships, doesnt mean they do or they have to, for that matter.

 

As I grew older, I started pulling back quite a bit, mostly bc I didnt know how to be giving without ending up resenting them for not doing the same. Hence my dilemma: should I be miserly and not "give" (when I know I can and actually want to) OR "give" and try to abate resentment somehow? The answer is, of course, to strike a balance so just like Goldilocks, I give just enough so that I feel good and not resent someone if they dont reciprocate. Which is crazy hard.

 

I have no answers as to how to resolve this. Have any suggestions? Please share, if you feel like it, that is.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I definitely think if you're giving to people and feeling slighted because you're not getting much back, it warrants backing off a bit and focusing on yourself.

 

As much as I hate being alone and lonely, I'd much rather have one or two good relationships with good people than have a bunch of toxic friends.

 

It is definitely about balance and not losing yourself in other people. Very tough to achieve.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I am pleased to say, no contact is going great!! I'm doing a good job. I think I'm growing up a bit.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I still have the concern, though: Am I isolated because I am sad, or am I sad because I am isolated? Is it even really a problem??

 

Ugh I don't know.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

People always want to see me. Namely men who want to date me. I hate that I am in situations where I don't have face to face contact with people but it is what it is. I do not like the situation of someone seeing me, especially if it is a potential date. How the hell do I stop thinking I'm disgusting and move on from that?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I want to be pretty

 

Or I will say, I want to be what I think is pretty. That's likely better.

I want to look like this all the time

image removed

 

And sadly, most people don't even consider Mandy Moore attractive so I'm just trying to be mid range. UUGGHHH.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Though I don't have the life I want and I often struggle to make decisions or see the innate possibility of things I am lucky to have at least a couple instances of caring from others.

 

I feel I have been given more than I can handle, though I may only be overthinking what it is I am to deal with. All of the things in my life I see as failures; the things I fear will come to fruition but haven't yet... they really plague me.

[Ellie2006]

This is completely off-topic but have you ever considered writing a novel?

Your writing has this way of grabbing onto people's attention and holding it.

 

Anyways, try not to be too exacting of yourself -- setting high goals for yourself is one thing. pushing yourself to the extreme and seeing yourself as a failure is something different altogether.

 

last year, i was at an all time low and i felt like i was given more crap than i could handle. but i survived. i guess i was able to handle it after all. granted, i am torn and bruised and it will take me time to heal (a LOT of time) but i find myself feeling ... ok again. not great. but i guess it's a start.

 

hang in there.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This is completely off-topic but have you ever considered writing a novel?

Your writing has this way of grabbing onto people's attention and holding it.

 

Anyways, try not to be too exacting of yourself -- setting high goals for yourself is one thing. pushing yourself to the extreme and seeing yourself as a failure is something different altogether.

 

last year, i was at an all time low and i felt like i was given more crap than i could handle. but i survived. i guess i was able to handle it after all. granted, i am torn and bruised and it will take me time to heal (a LOT of time) but i find myself feeling ... ok again. not great. but i guess it's a start.

 

hang in there.

 

Honestly about 10 people on ena have said this to me and I keep shirking it off as flattery but maybe I should write! lol

 

Thank you for your support; it is really surprising how much we can handle. An acquaintance had a quote on facebook saying "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have".

 

I don't mean to insinuate I'm that bad off, but there is some merit to it!

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Ok I NEED to vent this. Facebook drives me crazy because it forces me to see what other people are doing and often I find the biggest idiots on earth are markedly happier and generally more successful than me.

 

For instance, some goomer who makes purses and thinks she is Lil Kim and has taken 8 years to get her BA and doesn't give a rat's about anything is getting a job as a peer counselor. WHAT!?!?!?

 

Also, a notoriously dense but sweet girl who cannot spell to save her life is getting her Master's degree in Social Work while I sit here too afraid to ask for a letter of recommendation because I KNOW I cannot get in.

 

I'm not so bad, why can't I find a way to advance?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I just nailed down all of my letters of recommendation for graduate school in counseling!! All I have left is to fill out the form and write my goal statement!!!

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I have sent in everything for my application. All set.

 

...hm. I told my mom today I was ok with being alone and ready to sort of heal myself and change things but when I go to facebook or on here I get a sense of longing for something that I know I cannot have right now.

 

It is like I have my nothing and I'm trying to love it but I keep walking past fancy expensive stores and it becomes hard to leave without getting something.

 

I am truly very sad. Today I found out a girl from my alma matter who was an intern from another court set to graduate next month killed herself. I think the entire floored dropped out because when I was a month from graduation I attempted as well but failed. This poor girl had nothing and did this... it is just so sad.

 

I don't want to be that person- the fear of my suicidal tendencies coming back is so huge. It looms over me always and makes me afraid to experience happiness. If I become successful and happy somehow, what a waste if the suicide returns and I end it all?

 

 

But really I know it doesn't matter. What will be will be.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Why do I always take it personally when people don't like me? (I mean, I think you should take it personal per se, but not let it get to you) Oh it drives me nuts!!! I never do anything wrong in my mind but I have to remember it isn't a big deal.

 

Ugh I just found out the girl who killed herself did it because of a recent break up. I guess she made it so he would find her. Oh I'm about to cry this is so sad!!!

[Carnatic]

Ok I NEED to vent this. Facebook drives me crazy because it forces me to see what other people are doing and often I find the biggest idiots on earth are markedly happier and generally more successful than me.

 

For instance, some goomer who makes purses and thinks she is Lil Kim and has taken 8 years to get her BA and doesn't give a rat's about anything is getting a job as a peer counselor. WHAT!?!?!?

 

Also, a notoriously dense but sweet girl who cannot spell to save her life is getting her Master's degree in Social Work while I sit here too afraid to ask for a letter of recommendation because I KNOW I cannot get in.

 

I'm not so bad, why can't I find a way to advance?

 

I hate that, but life seems to be mainly about luck... and other things such as who you know and stuff.

 

I have a couple of friends who have those kinds of lives where everything they touch just turns to gold.

 

It's difficult to resist the urge to compare yourself with others.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I hate that, but life seems to be mainly about luck... and other things such as who you know and stuff.

 

I have a couple of friends who have those kinds of lives where everything they touch just turns to gold.

 

It's difficult to resist the urge to compare yourself with others.

 

Very difficult. I just have to remember that it certainly doesn't change anything to feel envious or down on myself for falling "short".

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I am so inexplicably happy right now. Humbled and appreciative without experiencing some sort of false manic high. Knowing you is amazingly wonderful and it was the best move I ever made to not only be the one to see it but to remember it.

[Ellie2006]

I am so inexplicably happy right now.

 

Yay for you

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Yay for you

 

Thank you! How are you?