Un-Identity v.2

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This is one of my favorite Shins songs.

 

"The Celibate Life"

The dust from a four-day affair is now landing

All over the floor and your brown legs

The gold plated legs of my rival

Whose eyes had no reason to fall.

 

You led no celibate life

no skirt

while chemicals danced on your head.

You stole the keys to this ride

and your fables are falling tonight.

 

Because of your struggle to make them.

Their taste for your past time is fading

Remember the girls in the middle are always the first to fall off.

 

You'll learn to live like a mouse,

Searching the cracks in the floor to remember

All the dregs in the crowd

you barely recall

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

In lieu of recent talks about singing, I've decided to go back and practice again. I started with green finch and linnet bird from sweeney todd which was likely not a good choice. I have to sing it a half step down anyway since I can't do it comfortably.

 

I like to sing no surprises by radiohead, as it is perfectly in my range when I take it up an octave. I wish I could get lessons.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Could it be??? I don't want to get my hopes up. Ever. lol

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The past four days off work have been nice, I was very active running errands, working out and watching sports and movies so that's good, I guess. Sunday came to a bit of a head, I was struggling a great deal with my appearance. I feel I cannot really deal with myself when I don't have makeup on. I'm not sure exactly what it is, my skin is nice generally, but I hate that my eyes don't stand out.

 

I wish I could be a girl who didn't feel she needed makeup to look presentable; I don't even feel pretty with it on... just... not hideous.

 

Needless to say, I've been having a hard time with this and I'm not sure where to go with it. I sleep regularly, drink water, exercise and eat well but I worry my appearance is rough due to stress. I'm not entirely sure how not to stress, nothing calms me completely. Something is always on my mind and I feel tense and anxious.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I get so freaked out by news of women being murdered by their husbands (or at least the suspicion of such thing). I recall that about 60% of murdered women are murdered by their husband or boyfriend. Obviously, this cannot be a fully reliable statistic but it is scary nonetheless.

 

It seems cheating is always involved. For the love of whatever, please just leave me for your tramp ball. DO NOT kill me. I would never ask for money or even really give a crap about it because it is obvious you aren't right for me if you're cheating on me. Have a good life with the new girl. FIN.

 

Can you imagine? Losing a sister or friend or daughter to her cheating SO????

Makes me sick. People are disgusting.

[greywolf]

I get so freaked out by news of women being murdered by their husbands (or at least the suspicion of such thing). I recall that about 60% of murdered women are murdered by their husband or boyfriend. Obviously, this cannot be a fully reliable statistic but it is scary nonetheless.

 

It seems cheating is always involved. For the love of whatever, please just leave me for your tramp ball. DO NOT kill me. I would never ask for money or even really give a crap about it because it is obvious you aren't right for me if you're cheating on me. Have a good life with the new girl. FIN.

 

Can you imagine? Losing a sister or friend or daughter to her cheating SO????

Makes me sick. People are disgusting.

 

That sad part is that women are usually more concerned about being murdered by some stranger in a dark alley way, when in fact, you need to worry about the people close to you. =/

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It's true... I cannot even imagine. Obviously abuse is a clear warning sign, but sometimes there really is NO abuse before something like that.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

............................

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I was going to make a thread about this, but honestly, I don't now what anyone could say so I will just yack about it here.

 

My parents are an unstable nightmare, making it difficult for me to find my own stability. I have done a good job thusfar, as my time is spent panicking less and being more productive (in my terms, at least). They are pigs. They cook and leave dishes filled with food all over, spills messes, leave condiments out, leave food out to rot, dishes all over the place. This drives me absolutely insane and it makes me anxious, not to mention disgusted.

 

Obviously, as a part time worker with a sick mother, I take the cleaning responsibilities and those of the two dogs. No big deal, I have time and I don't mind. Plus, I'm the clean freak so it has to be left to me. Still, I cannot help but feel like a single mother with four unruly children. Sometimes I feel like my mother makes messes just to watch me clean up. She has this thing with me that she feels I am lazy and stupid and I use her and take advantage of her hard work all the time. She has so many mental hangups and is so passive aggressive it is impossible to keep things calm with her for more than five minutes.

 

I've cleaned, cooked, driven her everywhere, grocery shopped and even cut her hair during this time because I know my dad does nothing but sit and sleep in his chair watching Fox news and being racist and homophobic all day. It's cool. I work, I take care of myself and them... I just wish they would help me a TEEENNNY bit by not going out of their way to obliterate the kitchen. Every day I spend about an hour scrubbing nasty dishes and cleaning nastier counters. This is farrr farr tmi but my mother goes into my bathroom (when she has her own in her room) and has taken to not even flushing after herself. When I confront her on these things, she often will gaze into space and not even respond to me, as if I didn't exist.

 

I'm at my wit's end. My mother refuses to return to work because she feels my father should (with only his HS diploma) be able to provide for her and she should be able to retire at 51 or work planting flowers on a whim. Her job, where she is a supervisor, has been trying to set up work with her for weeks and she refuses. My parents are so poor and I'm worse. We all need to work to survive, we have nowhere to go and no family or friends to help. My father, as flawed as he is, works overtime all the time and has a completely blown out shoulder he cannot afford to get much needed surgery for. She pretty much will not ALLOW him to get surgery, because she will be so jealous of his time out of work.

 

He does nothing but complain to me about her, she does nothing but suspect things about him to me, I'm sure they complain about me nonstop. I just want to exist and chill out about things so I can improve my life and be successful.

 

My mother hasn't really left the house since December and she has recently been self-diagnosing all sorts of things. "I have lupus, it says so online". "I have a pulmonary embolism from all of my surgeries" (She's had one). "I have pancreatitis". It annoys me. I always say "Ok, then let's get in the car and go to the doctor." She then says nothing in response.

 

Finally, she went in and they noticed she is having heart issues so she was admitted to the hospital. From the BED, she is self-diagnosing these crazy things without knowing what is actually wrong. "I have 90% blockage in my carotid artery, I think". YOU THINK? What the hell?

 

Ahhhh I feel horrible for not being empathetic but I am so tired of this!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why can't people grow up and relax and stop being so mental all the time. If I can do it, anyone can! I have more emotional issues than anyone I know but I can focus and get things done in a calm manner.

 

I don't know what to do.

[ProtestTheHero]

Do you have a timetable or any plans to leave in the near future? That sounds toxic as hell. Is it not possible for you to split a place with some friends somewhere? It's hard enough managing stuff without people going out of their way to make things more complicated.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I've been trying for a year to find more work, unsuccessfully. Admittedly, since my mom's cancer treatments I haven't been applying at McDonald's and stuff like that because she needed me there. My job is processing a grant (groan) that may come through to give me full time, but even then I couldn't afford to live on my own.

 

I have no friends, except one who lives in Canada. I don't think a human being could be more stuck in bs than I am.

 

I applied to graduate school and for financial aid, though... it is possible I could get some grant money and maybe escape to some low income housing? Also, if I find work I could look for a roommate somewhere. Just waiting on the chance to make more money.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Screw JP Morgan Chase for penalizing me $100 for being 3 hours late paying my card (for the first time ever). Greedy ass clowns, I cannot stand it. I make $150 per week and haven't used that card in over three months... I'm not living high on the hog here, I want to just rip someone's eyes out.

 

It isn't fair. I just want a chance to work and pay bills.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The Shins have new music out. This is exciting.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Is love really just a journey between one person to the next? How can I not fear love if I believe it will last forever when it never seems to. How can I truly give someone all of myself and experience intimacy if I know I will not love them forever?

 

What is the point of doing something you know will not be worth anything in the end?

Obviously that is what life is... doing a bunch of crap for nothing, but... love just feels so intense, it isn't the same as anything else.

 

I don't want to hate anyone I loved anymore. It isn't good, I want to avoid it. I just can't forgive and you cannot make what happens go away. Maybe forgiveness can happen, but there is not peace left in that void.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Today is pretty gloomy but I'm in a decent mood. I'm thinking my weight loss will come more slowly than I anticipated... I am really doing everything I can but it is a slow go. Oh well, at least I am trying. I haven't eaten bad food in a month and I've worked out every day of that time as well.

 

Lots of sports this weekend, mostly at 10pm which means I will be falling asleep... gah idk I am boring lol.

[Perfect Dark]

I really do feel for you, I hope they appreciate you. It wont be long un-till you get out! *hugs*

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Thank you, I cannot wait! I just want my own little apartment with Dexter... just to be free.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

So, Friday I sat there and cried about my situation, allowing myself to get even more hard on myself than usual. Obviously, I do not live a life many people would want (though I do acknowledge I could have it much worse and am thankful). I struggle with knowing what I want. My brain wants my own place, my own car, my own things and peace/quiet living with a boyfriend and having a few friends to chat with, places to go and rest/contentment. I no longer want to be trash, a loser, a failure... I don't want to be humiliated to live.

 

People can really send me into a tailspin about my situation, when I really look at the details or compare, or reason at some level, standard to others. I feel most apologetic about where I am in life, which is a q*ueer notion to say the least.

 

I am SORRY that I am not better. Sorry to all that know me, all that look down on me in pity, all that encounter me. I feel quite like I do not deserve to exist, sometimes. There is little I can do about it, though. I'm here for now.

 

Every morning I wake up and become productive beautifying the things I see. I clean, I wash, I put makeup on or correct things or supplement things and renew them. There is never a moment for which I experience anything naturally, without manipulation. I am constantly sweeping behind the mess my life makes.

 

I never want someone to pity me again. I never want to pity myself. I am SICK of being the girl with the hard life and the horrible self-esteem but a teensy bit of courage that keeps carrying on but never seems to change. I've lived nearly 24 years of the exact same day. Anxiety, worry, fear, laziness, struggle, longing, hate, planning and failing. Rinse, repeat.

 

I cried Saturday, and I cried harder Sunday. The stress is collapsing me for now.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I don't want to ruin this, I don't want to lose it.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The fear is that all the good, all the beautiful, all comforting, could be lies. They could be deceit, they could be nothing more than lures.

 

I do not know how to make sense of that, especially when I really want to trust. I do trust, but should I?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I found out Dita was born in the same city as I was, so I've brought her back hehe

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I received a letter in the mail asking me to attend a group interview for the counseling master's program at school. I'm a bit nervous, but hopeful.

[Perfect Dark]

I received a letter in the mail asking me to attend a group interview for the counseling master's program at school. I'm a bit nervous, but hopeful.

 

That is great! I hope you get it!

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Thanks PD

 

 

 

 

I'm so incredibly stupid and effed up, it is pathetic.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

So, while I'm valiantly trying to forge ahead to some level of righteousness and success in life, I recognize that I am incompatible with the lifestyle in which I am currently residing and will undoubtedly struggle from time to time.

 

Every day outside of my anemic amount of work time is spent in workout clothes with twisted up hair, lunging about the house in an attempt to be sexy. I save my makeup and hair from torture on these days as I have nowhere to go and doing so saves money. Weekly, I visit the library and sift through horrible b movies and look for books I know I will not read. Though I used to enjoy cooking, my now 600 calorie daily diet leaves little work in that regard.

 

I will wakeup and do my bits of responsibility, cleaning and making amends, but I ultimately find myself in a coma staring at horrible television shows most of the time. I run and run, jump rope, lift weights, stretch, dance, dart around in general calorie burning fashion, but nothing is satisfying me.

 

While I am well loved by one and considered with regard, our communication leaves me a bit lonely. I need to physically be around people or I think I will turn into a gremlin.

At this point, I'd pretty much do anything just to get out of the house. The house is thick with smoke and smell, I cannot really even believe I haven't died yet.

 

There is just nothing exciting about my life but the prospect of something I don't even know exists, and since I have never had it I have no solid evidence it would even satisfy me once I had it.

 

Surely, losing weight and becoming a viable object will be most satisfying in some ways. I have been thinner and prettier before and it served me well, but only in the cases where I was out and about with my boyfriend or friend... there is nothing of me staring in the mirror at myself in better shape unless I were to set up some sort of webcam for profit. Obviously I kid. I think being prettier will certainly help in some ways, without really getting to my issues. I sort of don't even know what I want.

 

I wish my parents were better, really. I wish I could at least enjoy their company.