Un-Identity v.2

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I will never, ever put up with someone with a temper or a huge chip on their shoulder again. If you cannot get over something that happened to you nearly a decade ago, you are not for me.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I find it strange that I'm not interested enough to read through my journal. Thought I would go back and see the "evolution" of this journal but went "MEH" instead...

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

If you cannot tell I'm bored and stalling until lunch, then... ok I admit it. I am continually bothered by the fact that in my life simplification process I feel as though I've become less interesting. Even on ena, (maybe I'm wrong) but I used to be funny and with it but now I'm sort of a walking Hallmark card with nothing much to say.

 

Granted, my humor and personality are still there, they were just fueled by frustration and anger and resentment. I don't really have many of these traits anymore- I'm trying to weed them out and be more calm. I sort of miss the attention my anger brought me.

 

Also, I have to be careful I'm not molding myself after someone else again. I see something in a person that I admire, and instead of deciding for myself who I should be, I follow them.

 

Don't do it again.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I caved and had taco bell today like a complete idiot. Not only was it stupid calorically, I feel like I'm going to heave. SMART.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Hmm... I almost don't like the concept of advice at all because it takes away from people's abilities to form their own opinions about their lives. Many people asking for advice are only doing so because they cannot figure it out and want reassurance... it only reinforces uncertain behavior.

 

Oh well, support is good anyway.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

My anxiety is soooooo high lately. Really out of nowhere. I was a wreck yesterday at the mall. I feel so awful being alone in public.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I need to notch up my efforts on things. I have been working out every day for the past month or so but I think I would be better suited do work out harder, less often.

 

I also need to force myself to read. If I by chance get into grad school, my laziness with reading cannot exist.

 

Randomly, I am extremely freaking dizzy. I almost fell over a few times today. Argh

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Wait... am I overlooking something very obvious here??? Oh geez.

 

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

My cousin, with whom I am not close, added me on facebook recently. It is clearly marked that I am atheist there, but he still forwards me work emails daily about "Christ Tests" and "Heaven's Grocery List"... I'm thinking this is intentional. Annoying, but I'm too nice to tell him to stop.

 

Bah.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I am happy. That's on you.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Whoa... I just had the most temptation in the world to check up and I didn't AGAIN. I wish I had this kind of will power with food. In any case, I am very proud of myself and need to say so whenever I avoid contact or snooping. Sorry if it is getting annoying but I think it helps. Old me would have been checking fb every 7 seconds like a nut.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I like looking like a snotty french woman via avatar. Thank you, Melanie Laurent.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Today I met up with my friend from kindergarten. It was really nice, I'm glad I went. My inclination was not to go. She has been going through a very hard time and it was nice to relate back and forth. Hopefully she felt I was there for her; we plan to hang out more often and that would be nice. I've known her for almost 20 years... that blows my mind.

 

I've always cared about her a great deal, just a good day overall.

 

Bought some deposit color for lowlights today and a lip balm. I had a good time on my own shopping and milling around.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Today I'm much more lost and little more depressed than I have been in a while. I realize I am depending on something that cannot be my source of stability and it has rattled me a bit. My brain wants to have stability and go down this pre-made course that will supposedly lead me to happiness, but it is clear that none of it will work because it involves the whims of others. I cannot force someone or something to swing my way or give me what I need. I can only ever get what I need or want from myself.

 

THAT really sucks.

 

So, in such a case I have realized it is increasingly important for me to cultivate interests. I never feel like reading, I never know what movies I want to watch... every movie I own or like is something directly related to an ex boyfriend. Luckily it doesn't hurt anymore, but how can that be? There is nothing to me but my past??

 

I don't know what I like, and if I do like something I'm not sure if it is for the right reasons.

 

Today was also a huge flare up on my dissatisfaction with appearance front. I haven't gone on the scale in a few days but I feel fatter despite eating better. I'm generally very annoyed with my body right now and I will not be eating tomorrow. Hopefully that will calm me down a bit. Or I will say I won't but I will end up doing it anyway. Idk. I hope not... I need something here.

 

I purchased a dance dvd to give myself a bit of structure in some of my time working out. Here's to hoping it helps.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm generally very annoyed with my body right now and I will not be eating tomorrow.

 

You should know that when you starve yourself, your blood sugar plummets, and this causes a rise in cortisol which is a stress hormone that prompts your body to conserve/store fat.

 

Been there, done all that. It's not a good counter-measure, as emotionally appeasing as it would seem. It only backfires.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

You should know that when you starve yourself, your blood sugar plummets, and this causes a rise in cortisol which is a stress hormone that prompts your body to conserve/store fat.

 

Been there, done all that. It's not a good counter-measure, as emotionally appeasing as it would seem. It only backfires.

 

I was just planning it for a day as a bit of self control, but obviously I wouldn't be this way if I could NOT eat! I did.

 

My doctor (when I had one) actually recommended intermittent fasts to control my blood sugar.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This weekend has SUCKED. Definitely put me in a mood. Cannot wait to see it go.

[tiredofvampires]

My doctor (when I had one) actually recommended intermittent fasts to control my blood sugar.

 

Really? How does that help? I have blood sugar problems like you, and fasts only made it worse.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Really? How does that help? I have blood sugar problems like you, and fasts only made it worse.

 

 

I'm not sure... I think it reduces the spikes. They put me on glucophage and I was nearly fainting every day. Glad I don't take it anymore.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Ok, I've decided to pick apart why I hate myself. At this time, anyone reading can either commence searching forums or thinking "wow, this chick needs to just off herself", or whatever suits your fancy. Bear with.

 

My first thought is that due to anxiety, I am constantly uncomfortable. My life is basically like wearing an itchy sweater all the time. I am never at ease, so it isn't surprising I don't enjoy my life.

 

[Now to figure out how to change that]

 

Secondly, I have very little tolerance for myself and my habits. When anxiety, sadness or anger creep in (hell, even happiness) I sort of look to myself in disgust. I'm constantly thinking "what the eff is your problem" about myself. In general, I think about myself far too often. That is a fact and I am extremely embarrassed about that. It is just hard to stop because I feel like I need to fix myself and reflection comes with.

 

Thirdly, I cannot let go of the fact people dislike me or feel nothing for me. When I realize someone is tired of me, or doesn't want to deal with me it only reinforces my other points above, making me panic.

 

My whole life is a push and pull between resentment that I should be alive like anyone else and embarrassment because I am not worthy like everyone else. It seems like I am slow to change and slow to realizations. My life is such a flurry of chaos, my mind wanders and my emotions go up and down and side to side.

 

Lastly, and probably most pathetically, I really base my self worth on the amount of attention I receive from other people. I desperately need attention to fill my loneliness, but it is a facade. No amount of interest from others will ever fill my loneliness and I, in the past, have created unhealthy bonds with people as a result.

 

I just genuinely don't want to be a person I dislike anymore. Why is it like this??

[greywolf]

Hey, Iphy... I don't know what to say, but I hope you find the answers.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Hey, Iphy... I don't know what to say, but I hope you find the answers.

 

Thanks, Grey

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Every one of my friends from high school seems to be either married or engaged. I'm well aware that doing so at 23 is going to likely lead to an ugly divorce, so despite being this way I may be setting myself up for a better future.

 

But you know what??? I'm pissed that I'm not enjoying this time. I'm young, and living in misery. Say I shape up and find a good guy and friends at 40 I'm going to be really pissed. You're supposed to be hot and happy in your twenties and I'm pissing them away.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I absolutely loathe instability. Change is one thing, when it comes I can prepare and learn to adapt, but when something is constantly flipping and changing and plummeting I just cannot keep up.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I don't know how I should feel about you! You say these things all the time, I don't know whether to believe you or protect myself. I don't even know what you're saying, really. I can't tell if there is a plan or if I'm just playing pretend or what? If I cannot tell what I'm doing, you're not going to get much from me because I will just play it safe.

 

And then I realize I'm doing that twice, if not in three other instances. Basically I do not want to get attached (though I've known you so long it is too late anyway).