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Un-Identity v.2

IphigeniaSaysHi

By IphigeniaSaysHi
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tiredofvampires Proficient

tiredofvampires

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Well, for me it was stay and die day by day there, be on the street, or find a room for myself. I figure, I can do a lot to pay society back if I survive. And that's what I'm trying to do. Low income housing exists for people of all walks, including women who could stay with abusive husbands but choose to leave and can't cover the rent on their own.

 

(Edit: And btw, there are usually wait lists for housing, so in the meantime, the chorework option might come through if you give it a shot.)

 

We all have to fight for our own lives.

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IphigeniaSaysHi Enthusiast

IphigeniaSaysHi

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Things get more frustrating all the time. I have to be patient, I have to act, I have to learn, I have to change and adapt and keep my eyes open.

 

But I swear to you, all I really want to do is hide.

 

Today I cleaned my room a bit. Since I've been back, my storage closet of a room has needed some organizing. I have a box of pictures and mementos from my whole life really... organized that and just bawled my eyes out like I've been doing lately.

 

I have been the same pathetic, naive, sensitive girl I have always been. People come and go out of my life and I'm always left alone once they have their fill of me.

 

That naive girl is still there and all she wants is to have relief from her pathetic life. Whatever form it comes in is fine.

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IphigeniaSaysHi Enthusiast

IphigeniaSaysHi

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Yesterday was (shock) another extremely hard day. I woke up excited, as I had hung out with an old friend Saturday and it was nice. Felt a little human and normal. Hope to keep that friendship going. Otherwise, Sunday proved an emotional roller coaster.

 

I cried for about two hours over our discussion, he is just so tired. Sad. I don't even know what to say at this point. None of this surprises me.

 

I need a bit of hope.

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IphigeniaSaysHi

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Roger Ebert on death:

"I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear. I hope to be spared as much pain as possible on the approach path. I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. What I am grateful for is the gift of intelligence, and for life, love, wonder, and laughter. You can't say it wasn't interesting. My lifetime's memories are what I have brought home from the trip. I will require them for eternity no more than that little souvenir of the Eiffel Tower I brought home from Paris"

 

 

Beautiful. Exactly.

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IphigeniaSaysHi Enthusiast

IphigeniaSaysHi

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My life phases tend to go in chunks of three years at a time... the thought I could be friendless and single for another three years living with my parents is really unsettling.

 

Despite this, part of me is thinking I need to give up on the obsession of enjoying my life so much. I need and want so much but it isn't happening and it's just making me miserable (Buddhist principle applies here!)

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tiredofvampires Proficient

tiredofvampires

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Roger Ebert on death:

"I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear. I hope to be spared as much pain as possible on the approach path. I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. What I am grateful for is the gift of intelligence, and for life, love, wonder, and laughter. You can't say it wasn't interesting. My lifetime's memories are what I have brought home from the trip. I will require them for eternity no more than that little souvenir of the Eiffel Tower I brought home from Paris"

 

 

Beautiful. Exactly.

 

This is great. Loved reading it.

 

Despite this, part of me is thinking I need to give up on the obsession of enjoying my life so much. I need and want so much but it isn't happening and it's just making me miserable (Buddhist principle applies here!)

 

This might have been my #1 life epiphany. Once I stopped with the intense striving to be happy...I felt much more free. It opened me to whatever my life was, rather than what I wanted it to be. Still struggling with that, but when I get back into non-fight mode, suddenly the storm seems to abate. Funny how that all works.

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IphigeniaSaysHi

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This is great. Loved reading it.

 

 

 

This might have been my #1 life epiphany. Once I stopped with the intense striving to be happy...I felt much more free. It opened me to whatever my life was, rather than what I wanted it to be. Still struggling with that, but when I get back into non-fight mode, suddenly the storm seems to abate. Funny how that all works.

 

It really is. I used to think my desire to be happy was the ONE good thing I had going for me, but it turns out it is truly choking the life out of me. I am looking for something I don't even know the name of... beating myself up over and over for be so far away from the perfect ideal in my head.

 

Like you said, it is a struggle... who knows what the right thing is, but I can't keep clinging.

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