parents unhappy... what does a child do?

Ok, so I am not really a 'child', I am 23... and it seems day by day my parents are getting more and more unhappy.

5 years ago, I would have said I was envious of my parents marriage! They have been married 35 years, they were happy, were not in debt, and are smart people. Well, I just moved back home... And I realized so much has changed!

My parents now sleep in separate bedrooms! And refer to these bedrooms as their 'own'.They have completely given up hope of a healthy future (my parents are both obese). The other night I came home and my dad was drinking a LITER of dr. pepper and eating SEE'S candy. I commented on it, saying he is going to get diabetes eating like that, and he responds with 'im gonna die anyways'. This REALLY upset me...does he not care to see me get married or have children??? My mom has heart failure. I know my parents don't have sex because they have said so. My mom watches tv all day. I know my dad is miserable..cause he also has said so. I feel like they are both depressed. My dad realizes there is a problem... but my mom seems not to care nor want to talk about it. Or if we mention things, she gets REALLY defensive. For example, my mom has sleep apnea and she refuses to wear her mask at night. Which really bothers my dad I, since you literally STOP breathing from it at night! But if we confront her about it, she gets pissed.

I have talked to my brother, and he thinks its 'empty nest' syndrome. Since we are both older, and not really 'needing' are parents. I just don't know what to do, their unhappiness is literally having an emotional effect on me. I am deathly afraid of marriage now, because I don't want to end up like them! That is a horrible thing to think about your own parents, but its true. I have terrible issues with food because of their health and eating habits. I had an eating disorder when I was a teen from the fear of becoming like 'them'. I told my dad, he needs to just grow a pair and ask mom to go to a marriage counselor... but he is afraid. So he would rather be miserable...then die? We also have a boat and motor home they have not used in over four years.

I just am lost, I don't know what to do... but I can't stand seeing my parents live like this??? Do people just give up on life. Also, my parents are only in there early to mid 50's. A little too young to be calling it quits in my opinion. Is there any hope for them? Or are they so far in a dark spot? Should I write them a letter telling them my feelings? I am so lost!

I don't think having separate bedrooms is as alien as you may think it is. My parents do this too, and I was equally shocked when I learned of it. But it's actually pretty normal for older married couples.

I suppose when you've been married that long - the things we as young people see as important are not important anymore. That doesn't mean it's bad, it just means that how they like it and there isn't anything you are going to be able todo about it.

And if they're still together - how miserable can they be? At fiftysomething, having my own bedroom and lounging around watching whatever the hell I wnat on TV while enjoing some feel good foods and not having anyone complain about it sounds pretty good to me lolol.

Forget about the letter, you'll just make them uncomfortable. But they're not going to change.

My dad has actually said he is miserable. How can my mom be happy watching tv all the time? and hello, they have not had sex in over five years. HELLO. thats not a good marriage.

My dad vents to me, but does not confront my mom with is issues. I kinda am already in an awkward spot! Its not like they both agreed to have separate bedrooms. My mom basically said she couldn't sleep with my dad one day, and since then... separate bedrooms. He feels like they are 'roomates' and not 'married'.

It really bothers me, because they were not always like this. you know, they used to be optimistic!

hahahhaa well - after 35 years, how badly are you going to want sex?

Who are you to say that is not a good marriage? Do they say that??

they[/i] say that??

yes my dad does say that he is unhappy. my mom is just kinda 'numb' with feelings. Nor does she care that my dad is unhappy! Shouldnt a good wife care if her husband is miserable???

Well, yes. She should care if he is indeed miserable. But if he is miserable, then she is miserable too.

Not surprising after 35 years of marriage.

Ever looked at the divorse stats? Most people don't last 5 years because they get miserable. Everyone gets miserable. Inevitably. But they've been married so long they probably don't really care that they're miserable and would likely be ten times as miserable alone.

I know a lot of married couples who are insufferably miserable but they actually like it that way. They're used to it - and hell, after that long they should be. They've had 35 years to make each other miserable.

I'm sure they'll be just fine dealing with things on their own and dont need you to do an intervention.

 

My dad vents to me, but does not confront my mom with is issues. I kinda am already in an awkward spot!

No kidding, AWKWARD.

I don't think it's appropriate - I don't care what age a kid is - for a parent to be venting/complaining/discussing their marriage with their kids. Not stuff like this especially - it seems kind of selfish to me. He unloads on you, you are left to worry and wondering "how do I help them? Oh god. I don't want anything to happen to my parents. This is up to me now to help em." .

Wrong. It's not your responsibility. You CAN'T fix this for them.

The next time your dad comes to you with a heavy load of complaint about your mom and the marriage for ya, I'd just say "Sorry, dad. I won't talk to you about this since this is between you and mom. Talk to mom. You know I love you both more than anything and want to see you happy, but this is one place I can't help."

Done.

As far as telling someone how you feel, I think a letter for your mom isn't such a bad idea. She has numbed out in general by the way you describe it, and mother's and daughters well you know how that is - maybe she needs to be reminded that her little girl still thinks the world of her and has looked up to her all these years, and is concerned. And probably wants a relationship that is more engaged with her mom back?

As far as allowing this to affect how you see marriage for yourself though, that is where you need to reign yourself in and take accountability. You have to think for yourself on that one, and not (in essense) blame your parents if you so choose not to get married or to go into relationships with fear.

I'd be real careful not to lay a guilt trip and to think a bit about seperating what your needs are from your parents (and so how you want them to be) and what your parents actually are saying they want and need.

In other words, your only job is to be a good daughter and the rest is up to them. That's just my opinion.

yes my dad does say that he is unhappy. my mom is just kinda 'numb' with feelings. Nor does she care that my dad is unhappy! Shouldnt a good wife care if her husband is miserable???

Your mum having heart failure beats your dad not getting sex for me.

How can she care about your dad when she is scared to care about herself.

To me, it sounds like she is scared of her illnesses and is trying to make them go away by not talking/dealing with them. She needs to speak to someone, maybe a pro, about coming to terms with the hand she's been dealt. But I can understand why she wouldn't want to.

Sounds to me like they are both depressed about their situations and have just accepted it without even trying. They both need to put the work in for their happiness.

Also, you are their child. AKA a completely inappropriate person to be venting about this stuff to.

>>I am deathly afraid of marriage now, because I don't want to end up like them!

First, this has nothing to do with marriage per se, but more the transition of people towards older age. It sounds like they've both really let themselves go and made the decision to give up on their health and trouble in their lives/health and in their marriage is the result. So it is a health issue, not a marriage issue per se.

You can't make people behave the way you want, but you can talk to them very bluntly and openly and tell them that they obviously need help, perhaps a marriage counseling and individual counseling.

And people with long term problems like heart failure frequently go into denial and rebellion when confronted with the effects of their illness, so your mom not wearing her mask may have something to do with it. she's tired of messing with it, is rebelling against it, and just doesn't care.

The only answer is to try to get them into counseling, and if they won't, then you need to move out of their house such that you aren't deeply affected on a daily basis by their choices. it is their choice to not deal with this, and you can only try to steer them in the right direction and can't force them.

i have a saying that old age isn't for sissies, and many people make choices to give up and surrender to the problems of aging rather than live their lives fully and happily. Look at this as much as an aging adjustment issue, and illness adjustment issue, and try to get them to go see a counselor together and apart. if their health, weight and energy levels improve, their marriage may improve as well. But don't blame marriage for this, as that doesn't seem to be the main cause given the circumstances.

Yeah, I agree with everybody else. (A rare event indeed)

These people are both grownups. They are responsible for their relationship and their own happiness. You have DONE your part. You ARE a family member and have a certain right to interject, but there is a line you must not cross. You wouldn't appreciate them trying to interfere with YOUR relationship would you? I recommend concentrating on whatever it takes (finishing school, new job, whatever) to get out of that environment.

Oh, and I've seen the "separate bedrooms" thing before too. I just thought it was a quaint custom the former Mrs Nurseman's grandparents brought with them from Italy.

I am (for a moment) going to address Mom's reluctance to use her CPAP. It takes a little time to get used to CPAP but once you do.....it changes your LIFE! In a GOOD way. I used to set up CPAP machines for people AND I use one myself.

I have corresponded with the Dr who invented CPAP (he's in Australia) but if I ever get to meet him, I will give him an hour to draw a crowd, then I will kiss his ass.

CPAP is nothing short of amazing. I really think that the bad response many people have to it is poor coaching on the part of the Respiratory Therapist who set it up. Many just tell a patient how it works and leave. Few have my level of enthusiasm for it. I think it's because I don't breathe well (if at all) at night without it. I LOVE my CPAP.

The other night I came home and my dad was drinking a LITER of dr. pepper and eating SEE'S candy. I commented on it, saying he is going to get diabetes eating like that, and he responds with 'im gonna die anyways'. This REALLY upset me...does he not care to see me get married or have children???

 

I just don't know what to do, their unhappiness is literally having an emotional effect on me.

 

I told my dad, he needs to just grow a pair and ask mom to go to a marriage counselor... but he is afraid.

i don't think this is empty nest syndrome. i just think your parents are both very depressed b/c of their health situations and their marriage. and when you aren't psychologically healthy yourself it is near impossible to have a healthy relationship with some one else.

when a lot of people are depressed they just submit to their feelings and don't make any effort to improve their situation. you get stuck in a negative mind state and everything around you is cast in a dark light. i think they both need to go to couseling and take responsibility for their emotional and physical health. they both have their own issues to work on, as well as their marriage. them both neglecting their health is SELFISH, they should consider how it makes you and your brother feel, and how it jeoprodizes the family's future. but it's difficult for a depressed person to find the strength to get help, there is only so much one can do to encourage them.

i think you and your brother should hold a sort of intervention for your parents, tell them exactly how you are both effected by their actions and what you think they should do. i'd probably google what should be said during something like that too. writing a letter is a good idea as well. by laying it out on the table you can rid yourself of guilt as well.

also, do not let your dad vent on you. it reverses the whole 'parent-child' role, you become the parent. and his issues are with your mom, and that is to whom they should be talked about. it's not fair to you to be burdened and to be told information you probably shouldn't hear and will hurt you. you need to fix your boundaries with him, tell him he should talk to his wife about his issues since they are with her. also, things won't get any better if he just keeps talking to you about them.

Wow, you all have very good advice! I don't even know where to begin!

I definitely think they need to get their health in order, if not stabilized. My mom, I know has been through a lot health-wise and emotionally. She was diagnosed with heart failure last year, they found cancer in uterine and she had a complete hysterectomy, and then she got deep vein thombrosis post op. On top of all that, she has the sleep apnea. I do think she is facing some sort of health depression and does not know how to come to terms with it. I do think maybe she feels some sort of guilt because if she had taken better care of herself, some of the health problems could have been avoided. I did mention to my mother that she should see about getting anti-depressants. I've gone through some anxiety and depression in college... And what she is doing is similar to how I was... but I went and got help!!!

As for my dad, I think he is lonely. I understand some older people just don't have sex, but they don't cuddle, or kiss, or share a blanket? You know, there is just no TLC that I have seen. Depression does run in my dad's side, so him being down really scares me. I have already told him he needs to just set up a marriage counselor session on his own and make my mom go. Its such baby steps that could make a huge difference in their lives. I guess really it is ultimately his life he needs to take charge of. I can't push two grown people to do something, but I am sure they could try to push each other.

As for us kids, my brother I think is fed up with it to the point where he doesn't think any of us can change them, they have to change themselves. My sister in law is very bothered by it, because my parents are the only grandparents their children have. My sister in law's mom died suddenly 5 years ago, and she never much knew her dad. So in essense they are the ONLY parents on our family tree. So it very much effects us kids that they just don't care! I am not even married or with children yet.

It just boggle's me how older people become so selfish and give up. Its about being in our lives for as long as possible thats important. And being happy together.

Ugh, grown up life SUCKS.

I know you are seeing them in the grandparent role and are wishing they made different choices, but you also have to respect their right to live their lives any way they want. To say it is about 'being in our lives for as long as possible' is missing the point that it is THEIR lives, and you are an adult now and they don't have the same level of responsbility towards you as they did when you were children.

Grown up life doesn't suck. You are overgeneralizing, and your parents are two people who are making their own decisions to live the way they want. You can try to influence them for better, but they are not bad parents because they choose to live they way they are living now. That is their choice, and you are too enmeshed/co-dependent if you let this turn into some kind of cosmic drama with you at the center (i.e., poor me, my parents are a mess and why aren't they being slim trim happy and perfect so they can be happy grandparents to my children). The ideal is that grandparents want to be there for their grandchildren, but many grandparents after raising children prefer to think more of themselves, or spent it travelling the world rather than hanging around doting on grandchildren 24x7. Once you are out of the nest, they can do what they want, and not according to YOUR plan.

This should be about supporting them so they are happy with themselves, no supporting them so that they will turn into the 'grandparents' to serve your own needs.

You have some boundary issues here, where you need to recognize their indepedence from you, and that everything they do (and are) is not a reflection on you, your life, or the world or the way the world is in general. They're making choices for themselves, and you can make your own choices and it is not inevitable nor a function of being 'old' that they make these choices.

Many older people do focus on health, having a happy marriage, and enjoying their retirements. So just try to gently guide them or try to help them, but don't try to control them or get cosmically depressed because they are making choices you don't like. It is just like some people would rather die than give up cigarettes, in spite of all the available research showing they would live happier and healthier if they didn't smoke. As adults, people do make their own choices, some good and some bad.