How to protect myself from someone who is potentially violent?

Have been involved in an affair with someone who i recently found out has a temper and as well as a drinking and drug problem (among other issues)

He has told me of his past violent actions towards other gf's etc. He in trouble with the law at present for a nasty crime to another person.

He has tried to run over a few of his ex's and has thrown things in their windows. They have taken out restraining orders on him as far as i know.

I want to get out of what i have created with him, and while he hasnt threatened me directly as such he has made indirect threats to my ex partner when talking to me and saying things like "I will finish him off" "Someone is going to get hurt" "There will be trouble tonight"

And just this morning my ex partner saw a suspicious car hanging around his work place for about half hour, they didnt do anything, just observe.

I have alerted the police but they havent done anything apart from take down a few notes.

I have never been in this situation before and dont know what to do to protect myself, my family and my ex partner.

First get a restraining order. Second both you and your ex need to let work know of your situation so they don't let any visitors they don't recognize come to you.

Does he know where everyone lives?

He is dangerous and needs to be treated as such.

First get a restraining order. Second both you and your ex need to let work know of your situation so they don't let any visitors they don't recognize come to you.

 

Does he know where everyone lives?

 

He is dangerous and needs to be treated as such.

Thanks Angel. Ex runs his own business where he is the only one that works there and people can come in and out, he also finishes work late at night and is in a dark secluded spot where no one is around.

He does know where i live.

as far as getting a restraining order - do i need to prove he is giving me unwanted attention?

He does call my home phone at odd hours and does drive bys occasionally past my house.

He is getting possessive and wants to where i am all the time and what i am doing. When i dont answer my cell ph he sends and leaves a million and one messages on my voicemail.

Thanks Angel. Ex runs his own business where he is the only one that works there and people can come in and out, he also finishes work late at night and is in a dark secluded spot where no one is around.

He does know where i live.

Since he has threatened your ex's life, try having your ex call the police to see if they can send patrol cars out that way a few extra times.

For you, I would suggest either staying with someone else's place he doesn't know about if things get worse or if you can't do that then I would keep a weapon and phone nearby at all times.

Also if you are friends with your neighbors you can let them know what is going on and they can let you know if something is going on.

as far as getting a restraining order - do i need to prove he is giving me unwanted attention?

He does call my home phone at odd hours and does drive bys occasionally past my house.

He is getting possessive and wants to where i am all the time and what i am doing. When i dont answer my cell ph he sends and leaves a million and one messages on my voicemail.

Save everything that he sends you. I don't know exactly what the laws are in your area but I am sure they are similar. He is harassing you so that should be enough reason to get one.

I will never understand why some guys are like this. ](*,)

If you can would you keep all of us updated on what is going on? You will be in my thoughts.

AB i will keep in contact. Dont panic if i dont respond daily. Sometimes i dont get online for a week at a time.

He is sending me messages right now as i type this telling me he is never giving up on me and is going to wait forever. Man oh man what have i got myself into.

Thanks I appreciate that you will keep us updated.

Don't blame yourself, *hugs* you can't always tell who a guy truly is until it is later on. You are smart and you caught on to this early on before it got even worse.

Save those messages, they will be proof of harassment towards getting a restraining order.

I will be hoping the best for you.

There is a really good book by Gavin DeBecker called 'The Gift of Fear'. He is an expert in stalking and assessing whether people are violent threats and are likely to actually injure someone, and strategies on how to stay safe. So I suggest youread this book.

I also suggest you call a domestic violence hotline to ask them for help and information on how to break up with a person who is violent.

I had an ex friend threaten to kill me. I woke up one morning to 60 missed calls and him leaving like 30 messages saying " this is it, when you walk out of your house you are dead. fu fu if I can't have you nobody can. ...etc. I woke up, and there was a guy in a car right in front of my house. I called the police the car left, and they didn't nothing.

I got maze, and a crowbar at my job since I was there all day by myself, and had my guy friend escort me to work everyday. Nothing ever happened thank god, but in times where your life feels threatened even in the slightest you need to be able to protect yourself.

Although I do agree with a restraining order, it is at the end of the day just a piece of paper albeit with consequences attached but if there are no witneses well...

I think you should slowly start withdrawing from him become less available, become incredibly boring and dull, stop dressing to impress, wear less make-up and hope that he gets bored of you and moves on however I don't think that is likely as he sounds a controlling person, so have a backup plan and a suitcase packed anyhow. And I'm also with Bestrongbehappy and think you should contact a professional organisation.

But as for your ex partner, he needs to start making a diary, take pics and build something substantial to go to the police with.

With a bit of luck the the nasty crime he has committed will put him in jail. Good luck.

Although I do agree with a restraining order, it is at the end of the day just a piece of paper albeit with consequences attached but if there are no witneses well...

 

I think you should slowly start withdrawing from him become less available, become incredibly boring and dull, stop dressing to impress, wear less make-up and hope that he gets bored of you and moves on however I don't think that is likely as he sounds a controlling person, so have a backup plan and a suitcase packed anyhow. And I'm also with Bestrongbehappy and think you should contact a professional organisation.

 

But as for your ex partner, he needs to start making a diary, take pics and build something substantial to go to the police with.

 

With a bit of luck the the nasty crime he has committed will put him in jail. Good luck.

I don't agree with this. The longer a person STAYS with an abusive and dangerous person the more she risks getting hurt or even killed. So no staying is a bad idea. Believe me trying to be "less attractive" isn't going to work when what he is after is to control her.

He would probably LIKE her to start dressing down so other guys won't look or be attracted to what he considers "his" property.

Yes contact a hotline and they can give you the best advice on every step you should take to protect yourself from this guy.

True the restraining order is just a piece of paper but also if something were to happen it would land him in jail away from her. It is more to keep him away from work and such.

Bestrong - thanks for suggesting the book. I love reading and will get my hands on a copy of it.

Snoopy - Yikes! That must've been scary. Sounds like what this guy does but doesnt threaten me like that, but when i wake up or havent had my phone near me he calls a million and one times and leaves a trillion messages. The "if i cant have u nobody can" is something he says a lot. And i said to him the other day what happens if u go to jail then what about me? and he said he would expect me to wait for him till he gets out and i said "what if i dont?" and he goes wherever u are i will come find u and i'll kill the person ur with so u can be mine"

Its just stuff like that he says that freaks me out. Maybe he is just talking but still it bothers me.

Can you get recordings of comments like this?

I don't agree with this. The longer a person STAYS with an abusive and dangerous person the more she risks getting hurt or even killed. So no staying is a bad idea. Believe me trying to be "less attractive" isn't going to work when what he is after is to control her.

He would probably LIKE her to start dressing down so other guys won't look or be attracted to what he considers "his" property.

 

Yes contact a hotline and they can give you the best advice on every step you should take to protect yourself from this guy.

 

True the restraining order is just a piece of paper but also if something were to happen it would land him in jail away from her. It is more to keep him away from work and such.

Unless I felt immediate danger and in fear of my life I would rather back slowly away from a "snarling dog" than turn and run away throwing pieces of paper at him myself.

Edited to add: But mentally I would be running so fast I would break world records.

I agree with Angel baby on this...I don't think there is a way to slowly get away from someone this sick. It is about control...doesn't matter how slow they lose it.

JUst checking in - I have cut contact with him Wednesday night and said i needed my space, he said he would be there for me when i am ready to talk and i havent heard from him since, so i guess this is a good thing??

Just be very careful with this guy, I got caught up in a very similar situation when I was in my teens. It became a nightmare for me and my family that lasted for a couple of years to the point where we had to move to another neighborhood and I had to change schools. I agree with BSBH that it would be wise to consult with a domestic violence hotline to get some advice on the best way to distance yourself from him. The fact that he seemed okay with you saying you need some space is good, but you need to be prepared that after a few days of space, he might want back into your life and may not take no for an answer.

ok just checking in again. Everything was going great until my so called friend met up with him today for a chat and she encouraged him to get in contact with me, which he did, i wasnt receptive to talking to him and then he started getting abusive and calling me every name u can think of - some really bad ones at that.

And then he started threatening again that someone is going to get hurt or killed tonight.

The other thing he mentioned to both me and my so called friend is that i am going to die without anyone and a very lonely death.

He kept saying "U want trouble, i will give u trouble b!tch"

This guy is a trouble maker and i am not happy with my so called friend trying to encourage him to contact me.

When he called today threatening trouble i threatened to call the police on him and he said that was scum and the lowest i can go. When is he going to get it he cant go around threatening people? He feels like it is his right considering i hurt him unintentionally.

Does anyone know the number for the violence line here in Australia i can contact?

Just be very careful with this guy, I got caught up in a very similar situation when I was in my teens. It became a nightmare for me and my family that lasted for a couple of years to the point where we had to move to another neighborhood and I had to change schools. I agree with BSBH that it would be wise to consult with a domestic violence hotline to get some advice on the best way to distance yourself from him. The fact that he seemed okay with you saying you need some space is good, but you need to be prepared that after a few days of space, he might want back into your life and may not take no for an answer.

Sorry to hear u have been through the same thing, it's not a good experience is it??

How did u get caught up in the situation?

Coz of his trouble with the law at present and him being out on bail if i get a restraining order on him that will ensure he gets locked but the question is for how long? Not very! And when he is out he will probably be angrier than ever and out to get me back.

I am also concerned of the contacts he knows and the people he deals with. He may not necessarily do anything himself but rather get someone else involved.

Does anyone know the number for the violence line here in Australia i can contact?

Sorry to hear u have been through the same thing, it's not a good experience is it??

How did u get caught up in the situation?

My situation was similar to yours in many ways. I was very young and met this guy and started seeing him, only to find out that he was very unpredictable, physically abusive and violent. I won't get into all the details here because it's a very long story, but I do know how frightening it can be. When it happened to me, stalking laws didn't even exist yet and the police's attitude was that if my parents pressed charges it might only anger him more and he also had unrelated assault charges against him so they felt he would be going to prison anyway, which he fortunately did, but it took a long time. As I said, we had to move out of the area...it was a nightmare for my whole family. He was later released from prison on those charges and ended up stabbing an elderly man 17 or 18 times during the course of a robbery. This guy was very bad news.

I found this link to various agencies in Australia...please contact one in your area right away and contact the police. I'd cut contact with the friend who is in touch with him.I If you have somewhere else to stay tonight, it might be smart not to be in your apartment for now. I'm not trying to frighten you, but I'm also not overreacting...men like this are quite capable of following through on their threats.

link removed

Thanks greensleeves for your words and the link.

Well what a night it was! Very sleepless.

I have no proof but my front window was broken in the early hours of the morning with a rock and it wasnt a throw and run. They actually climbed over my fence tresspassed into my property and walked a few paces before choosing the window. They must have broken it quietly and piece by piece. They even had time to lift the blind up to look inside, lucky it was an empty room they chose.

Like i said i have no doubt it was him. After the threats he made last night that he was going to give me trouble. We have been living here for 14 years and nothing like this has ever happened before. Seems a bit coincidental. My father called the police and they didnt even come out just gave him a claim number on the phone.

He has been in contact today and i didnt tell him about the broken window and he didnt say anything either. He kept threatening to go see my ex and tell him "the truth" i told him to stay away but i havent been able to get through his head.

He promised he wont cause any more trouble and he has promised to leave me alone. I did tell him i am talking with police and he said they wont do anything to him coz he hasnt done anything wrong.

Are threats a crime??

I told him i wont go to police if he left me alone but i am not sure i said the right thing to him, i am worried if i go to police there will be more trouble coz it will anger him more. I am sure it wasnt him personally at my house last night, but i know he has a lot of mates that are cold blooded crims who do all sorts of stuff.

I dont know what to do. I feel so sick and tired, i havent slept at all. I have a kidney infection at present and feel like i am going to collapse.

I told my so called friend who went to see him yesterday what happened last night and she seemed to be on his side.

Looks like they both deserve each other.

He told me she told him that they would always be friends no matter what happens between him and i.

Nice friend hey?

THe last time he called a few mins ago he said this was the last time he would ever contact me and he would delete my number for good. The last words he said to me was once again i would die a lonely person without anyone and that i am a cold person and a miserable one to.

Hmmmm.

Here in Canada some threats are a crime...I'm not sure about in Australia. I think in that link there was one main phone number that you could call, they could probably answer that for you and advise you what you should do next. I'm glad that you live with your dad and aren't alone. It probably was him that broke the window...he trying to scare you, so I think it was smart of you not to mention it because that's exactly what he's wanting. It would probably be best if you don't pickup the phone next time he calls. With any luck after awhile he'll move on to someone else. I wouldn't discuss him with that friend either, for now you might be better to distance yourself from her.

THe last time he called a few mins ago he said this was the last time he would ever contact me and he would delete my number for good. The last words he said to me was once again i would die a lonely person without anyone and that i am a cold person and a miserable one to.

Hmmmm.

Hopefully what he means by that is that he that if you stop seeing him you'll never find anyone else...typical. But I still think you should keep your guard up for awhile.

I hadn't read your last post when I made my last post. I really don't think you should answer any more of his calls...you're just feeding the fire if you do. And now instead of distancing yourself from that friend for awhile...I'd say completely ignore the friend as well. She'll just be reporting anything you say right back to him.