Girlfriend is not interested in sex

My girlfriend has an incredibly low sex drive. I often think if i didn't mither for sex, we would never have it. She has never masturbated and does not feel any sexual urges. Even when we do have sex, she is never the instigator and she doesn't seem interested. She either lies there or goes on top. She hates to give oral and when she does touch me, always looks elsewhere. We are certainly mismatched in this area as I have a high sex drive and I am a very considerate lover. I love to make a woman feel the centre of the universe giving her all undivided attention.

Our relationship is superb, we talk, we laugh, we argue, we laugh some more. Her family are great, we've bought a house together and are getting married next year. It is just this one problem. However, it is only a problem for me as she is happy with our sex lives.

I do feel selfish for wanting more out of our sex life but sex is really important to me. We've talked about it in the past, things change briefly, but it doesn't take long for things to slip back the way they were. She won't go to the doctor, probably due to embarrassment, but I do think maybe she is lacking hormones which affect your libido. I have read that certain contraceptive pills can cause that.

I am at the stage now where if she is unwilling to seek help I will just satisfy my urges somewhere else. I can't expect her to have sex more often if all she is doing is lying there waiting for me to finish. If she is not interested or doesn't enjoy it as much as me, I can subject her to that. But, if I have sex with someone else, no strings attached, she doesn't have to know, I fulfill my physical urges and still fulfill her emotional needs. To me, sex is just sex and I don't associate this with any emotional obligations.

Let me know what you think of my situation and what you would do.

Dan

You need to communicate this to her so that she understands. There are countless books on this very issue. Fundamentally, she will have to learn to be more open sexually and at the same time you will need to learn that she isn'tgoing to have your drive.

Figure it out quick. There's no easy answer to your problem. On the other hand - I have heard that women don't get a heavy sex drive until they're in their thirties -I don't know how old you are, but all I know from my experience is that if you have views that are that different - on ANY subject - it's either going to take ALOT of work or is simply isnt going to work at all. I'd suggest resolving the issue BEFORE you marry her - because after you do, you won't be able to 'change your mind'.

Just my $0.02

the assumption that you can get sex on the side and it won't harm or impact your marriage is by default not accurate. if she finds out, it will most likely end your marriage (most do find out) and then you would have wasted a lot of her and your own time and perhaps brought children into a marriage destined for divorce.

it also sounds like her sex drive may be inhibited emotionally, not by hormones since she shies away from activities and has no enthusiasm for it. you need to set up an appointment with a counselor who specifically treats couples with sexual issues who will be able to work with both of you to get a satisfactory sex life. if the counselor suspects low hormones, then they can recommend treatment, but 9 times out of 10 this is an inhibited desire due to upbringing that represses sex, or sees it as 'dirty', or some trauma that has happened to her and she has not told you about.

it just makes no sense to go into a marriage when you already know that the sexual compatability is nil, when fidelity is an expectation, and you already know you will be breaking your vow to be faithful. sex is a HUGE part of a normal marriage, and if that goes bad, the marriage usually eventually collapses.

don't just assume either that her behavior is a 'normal' low sex drive. many women who have inhibited sexual desire due to emotional factors can indeed have very happy and active sex lives if they get treated for it and learn that not only is sex OK, but it should be a fun activity that builds your bond as a couple.

and if she is truly 'asexual' in preference with no desire to change, then you two are just not compatible and shouldn't be together. you can try to pretend to yourself that you are perfect for each other except for this 'one small thing', but sexual compatability is a LARGE thing in a lifelong marriage.

I have heard that women don't get a heavy sex drive until they're in their thirties

Can't say that's true in my experience

Read about it breifly online and it's said that women feel this way past their 30's due to the fact that they are more comfortable with their bodies and more along those lines than with hormones. In fact some say that the jury is out when it comes to sexual peak in women due to hormones. Every women is different, just as every man is different.

OP; a compromise is in order here. Is this a deal breaker for you? Think long and hard about this sitch; if you truly cannot live with a lowered frequency in the bedroom, than it's better to just split up. In honesty, she will have to step in up a notch, but you will have to take down a few as well to meet in the middle. Can you live with that!! Be honest with yourself; a knee-jerk answer and continuance with the current state of affairs could lead to disastrous consequences.

Time for some hard questions and some brutally honest self reflection. Is this something that you can compromise on? You aren't being selfish in this regard, sex is a necessary part of a relationship and is every bit as important as communication. Do not take this lightly!!

Any updates Dan? Interested, as it sounds very similar to what I am experiencing

I'm interested to find out as well for any updates, I WAS in this situation, am finally out now!

all i can say is that I would think twice about marriage. right now it may seem like a relatively insignificant issue, but imagine life in the 10th year of your marriage - married to someone with whom you cannot achieve an acceptable level intimacy. And of course, by that time it will likely be more difficult for you to get out of the relationship than it is right now. I think we tend to treat intimacy in the early stages of a relationship as though it doesnt deserve to be considered with the same seriousness as other issues. In actuality, it may be the most important in the long run. Cheating, which I have spent alot of time thinking about lately (and could act-upon if I wanted as opportunities do exist) is a short-term method of easing the anxiety you feel, but it will assuredly not solve the underlying problem. I'm not saying that you should be cast away as a morally corrupt person if you happen to do it, but am just noting for your consideration that it will not resolve the broader problem, which is your partner's inability to engage with you in an essential part of the relationship.

I would just tell her, hey I love you but to me sex is important. So we have two choices, either WE (MEANING YOU AND I) work on this issue. Or I will have to go my own way without you.

you might want to be a little less blunt, but you get the point. Tell her whats up.. Maybe she doesnt know how big of a deal it is.

And if shes too embarrassed, id question her maturity. Thats life. Stuff happens. If it were the other way around, and you couldnt get it up, Id bet you some dollars that she would be pressing you to get to the Doctors!!

Hi,

The good news is that there are possible prescription and nonprescription solutions (below). Just be aware that figuring out how to increase the female sex drive is complicated because the desire to make love is influenced by so many factors including physical, emotional, relationship satisfaction, and the setting you are in. Possible causes of low sex drive in women include stress or anxiety, medications (anti-depressants, birth control pills) complexity of health issues (Diabetes, MS, cancer) and fatigue.

Of course, you should ask her to talk with her doctor about this. Here is a list of possible steps you can take:

• Ask her to have her doctor check her thyroid function.

• Ask her to check if there are any sexual side effects of any medications that she may be taking.

• Zestra (nonprescription)

Two placebo-controlled studies published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that this proprietary blend of botanicals (including borage seed and evening primrose oils, Angelica root and vitamins C and E) provided a significant increase in arousal, desire, genital stimulation, ability to orgasm and pleasure. The treatment also worked equally well on women using SSRI antidepressant medicines. Although it is nonprescription, she should talk to her doctor first before using this or anything else.

• Hormone Therapies (prescription only)

Localized estrogen therapy - Placing estrogen directly into the vagina soothes vaginal tissue, and allows the secretions necessary for comfortable sex. They are available as suppository tablets, creams, or "rings," which sit inside the vagina and give off small doses of the hormone over time.

Compounded testosterone cream - Some pharmacies that make medicine from scratch offer testosterone creams and gels, but you'll need a doctor’s prescription.

• Vitamin E (nonprescription)

When used locally in the vagina it can help rehydrate tissue and may possibly increase sensation. Although it is nonprescription, she should talk to her doctor first before using this or anything else.

I was in this situation, got married and now seeking advice in the infedility thread wondering why she cheated on me with another woman after 7 years together and sex once a week

Having the same problem here. Curious to know how the original thread starter is doing now.

In a 2-year relationship here. She is a virgin, I'm not. She has absolutely no sex drive... absolutely none. I don't cheat, so that's not an option. Everything about our relationship is perfect, except sex. She says she wants to have sex... but she always has an excuse not to.

Bottom line, it's a big problem and it's not getting better. Not sure what to do... I love her so much, I just don't know how to handle the situation.

ttt777ttttt - maybe you have to try to learn how to do it better - maybe ask her lots of questions about what she likes and doesn't like, try things out and get her to respond - the more you experiment the better it will get probably!

Let me start by saying I am in a similar situation myself. However, one thing jumps out at me right away. That fact that you feel that sex is completely a physical act and emetions are not important could be the source of the issue. Women need to feel the emotion in sex and rightfully so. In this case she probably feels that you dont have the desire for that emotional connection and it turns her off because it makes he feel more like a f@#% buddy then your soon to be wife. I don't know the full situation but if you really see sex in that way then I wouldn't be surprised. On the other hand I can somewhat agree with the thought of beeping sexually satisfied ssomewhere else which would be an appropriate situation for purley physical satisfaction. It really seems like a great solution because I really do love my fiance more than anything and I love everything about our relationship other than our sex. The more I think about it the more I see that while the physical aspects of sex is a desire I think what I really want and am truly searching for is the feeling of being desired by someone. The feeling I had when we first started dating that everytime I looked at her I could tell she was wanting me. I don't think that having sex with someone else will truly staisfy me or you and it is verge likely that seeing a counselor would help a lot