not again.

i feel so afraid. my husband was arrested for the 8th time for domestic violence last week. i am at my house and all of our bills are due. i am going to lose my beautiful home if i don't take him back, but i hate him. we were also in the middle of so many projects, he was finishing my gym, i'm apersonal trainer and i don't have any work right now. i am so afraid. i have a 14 year old son here too with all sorts of problems (not his son). my husband is cheating on me and drinking all the time and blames me for everything.

i'm so sad, and i feel like i can't tell anyone. i don't have anyone to help me.

i don't have a job right now, due to all the abuse and control....

i feel like dying. i can't go through this anymore. help.

welcome to enotalone. it sounds like your husband is a very dangerous man, please stay away from him. it's not worth having a home if you are dead, you know? do you have any family or friends nearby you can stay with? Have you contacted a local domestic abuse shelter and talked to them? do you want to leave this marriage?

it's not fair that i would have to leave my life.

i need to make it happen. i'm so sad and confused.

if your husband is as dangerous as you say (seeing as how the police have been called 8 times) and I know you are a strong woman being a personal trainer, this man is someone you need to get away from. no, it's not fair that you have to leave your life at all, but you need to keep yourself and your son safe.

Sammy Girl... i'm so sorry you are going through this..and you are right..it isn't fair.

But what good are those things if your husband hurts you so badly that you can't work out? then what? what good is all of those things if you can never feel good about yourself because your husband is knocking you down over and over again...decaying at your self esteem? what good is a home that you can't feel safe in?

If you leave your husband you have a chance at a happy future... if you stay with him.. you are just going to keep on getting more of the same.

You DO have a choice about your future... it might not be easy to walk away and you will struggle financially but at least you can feel good about yourself ...and show your son a good role model ...otherwise..he's going to think its ok to ...drink, cheat, and abuse your wife.

You can make it work...

I have been where you are.

It took alot of courage to leave. Find that courage.

You are strong. You can do this. Whatever you do, do not take him back.

He could kill you and your son. Even if you have to go sleep on a friends couch, or to a womans shelter, or to family 1000 miles away... it is better than being hit!

If you really do not have any family to turn to then you should start by calling your local sherrif, they can put you in touch with womens shelters.

Sounds like this is not much of a life to have anyway... Imagine starting new (which I think is often fun) with your son and giving him a chance to grow up more well adjusted. You should clearly seek professional assistance on this matter, however.

thank you. i think i am going to just find an apartment. i am going to leave everything behind.

i will miss my house. i think i have found some strength.

I would talk to an attorney ASAP. There has to be something you can do to protect yourself and your son financially considering you have documentation of the abuse.

Just make sure you get out immediately. Even if you can't think of yourself right now, think of your son and what this environment is doing to him. I know with my ex, I couldn't stand up for myself...but when he threw my dog down the stairs...oh, it was on.

Getting an apartment and leaving it all behind is a good idea.

Think of it as a new start and a new life.

it is a GREAT idea to not let him know where you have gone, that is one very good reason to leave it all.

When I finally left my ex husband he stalked me down and it got real real bad. Did you know that some 40% of homicides of woman were as a result of them leaving their abusive spouses and the abuser stalking them down with one motive..... to end their lives.

Think hard about if you enjoy the air your breathing. Look at your son. Would you throw him into a pit of venomous snakes to get ate alive? Protect him and yourself from further harm.

Right now is the perfect time to go. He's been arrested and he is not there to stop you from leaving. Sell everything that you can part with ... SELL IT ALL cheap if you have to. Take that cash and go away.... run far and fast.

he called me and told me how it was all my fault. that no matter what he does to make me happy, i am full of hatred all of the time. i cannot get him to understand it is because of his alcoholism, violence, cheating etc. that i remain feeling so bad about him all of the time. no matter how hard i try.

do people ever "get it" in therapy...? i'm sure i'm kidding myself and wasting more time by having any kind of hope. i guess i just don't want to lose everything. but then again...i think i would gain the world. i'm very afraid. and i missed my therapy appt. because i was so sleep deprived. i don't drink, but had to have 3 drinks so that i could finally get some rest.

maybe the dr. will prescribe something. thanks for reading my rambling....it feels so good to get it out.

i still don't know what i'm going to do....i go from being convinced to move .....to looking at my beautiful house that isn't a home.....not filled with love and nurturing...but wanting to keep it because it is so beautiful...which is really a metaphor for our relationship. he is so beautiful but empty on the inside....cold .....

thank god i am more rested today....

I don't know - those are some SERIOUS problems, and he is blaming them on you, and not on himself. he sounds violent and dangerous, what did the police tell you? to leave him? what about counselors and therapists and family members? did you call a womens' shelter yet?

i did talk to the womens shelter. they do not take teenage boys. the police always tell me to get rid of him.

i'm going to find a lawyer. i did find some help with a bill today....

everything is due...

i can't let it continue on though because i cannot create anything while we are together...i am just stifled by his rage, anger, constant belittlng and jealousy. i'm tired of living in fear. at this moment i feel strong enough to face it, and know that i will make it through as a better, stronger, happier person and better mother for not staying. i know my son will be happier and stronger without his step father around to criticize everthing about him.

i'll find a way, one way or another. one baby step at a time.

i need money and a job...that is all....

what about living with a family member out of state for a while? what about asking a different shelter if they would accept you? one farther away?

i'm almost sure there is a shelter that would take us....about 1500 miles away...that has a great program where they pay your rent for a year if you stay in the shelter for 2 months.....

i'm thinking of finding out if i can keep my home though....

is that crazy of me to think that i could pull this off? it would be wonderful to keep it....

does anyone know if judges take into account abuse....when distributing common property?

i can't see the forest for the trees....

I think you need to worry about your health first and foremost. I can understand being attached to your home, and yes, I think the judge will treat abuse cases with care. but what good is a pretty house if you aren't alive to enjoy it?

he is afraid to even come over to get his things...he knows one bad move will land him back in jail and he is terrified ....

if i let him back into my life that is another story...he is just not that stupid...but, i thought for sure he'd never hit me...or cheat on me or have bi sexual affairs or do crystal meth....or be cruel to my children, or cause me to lose everything over and over and over.

he would know that he would get caught...with his record....it would be too easy, and he is very afraid of that. his job and friends are taking his mind off of his miserable family that he created....

now i'm just left to pick up all these pieces of my life and try to make it beautiful again...

i felt so low going in to get help on a bill today....stereotyped abused woman....i'm very ashamed of myself....i feel so low sometimes...but i am going to push all the way through it this time.

well, you said 8 times arrested for domestic violence. why don't you think it can't escalate? if he can hit you, or slam you, what makes you think he won't do some permanent damage to you?

he has never hurt me that bad....

but i agree it might still escalate....he did threaten to burn me down in my house while lighting the house on fire once....he was arrested on 9 felonies that time...

but he didn't hit me...just threatened...to kill me, burn me up....see, all this has made me kinda crazy....i feel lost sometimes...what a nightmare...

see this is what happens when they talk you into taking them back...and you cave....you lose....not him...

i feel like one of those people who are annoying and talk about the stupid problems that they have when everyone else sees the solution so crystal clear....

it is so bizarre....

 

i can't let it continue on though because i cannot create anything while we are together...i am just stifled by his rage, anger, constant belittlng and jealousy.

 

God, I remember this feeling. When I finally got out 5 years ago, I felt like I had no personality left and I couldn't remember what it was like to be "me".

Once you start rebuilding your self-esteem and your life, though, you will start to get "you" back and that is a great feeling. You will start to remember all of the great things about yourself that you have kept hidden for so long. You will start to have FUN. You will have CHOICES.

God, I remember this feeling. When I finally got out 5 years ago, I felt like I had no personality left and I couldn't remember what it was like to be "me".

 

Once you start rebuilding your self-esteem and your life, though, you will start to get "you" back and that is a great feeling. You will start to remember all of the great things about yourself that you have kept hidden for so long. You will start to have FUN. You will have CHOICES.

that is so true.

sammygirl,

I've been there, recently and still dealing with it myself. So trust me when I say this.

It only FEELS like the end, and yes it is unfair to have to leave everything behind. But as you take these steps, tell yourself you can and will have better. I'm also in the moving process, leaving it all behind, including my family and friends. But my 11yr old will not learn that abusive lifestyle while I have a say.

Your future is open before you, and it can be whatever you make of it. Anything you have to leave behind, you can make for yourself again in the future. Set them as your goals. You're a trainer?...trainers are needed in other places. Go forward and only look back to remind yourself of what you no longer want in your life. You are stronger than you think, you CAN do this.

The future is before you, one step at a time....

Godspeed...

And you are not annoying....we have all been through pain and struggles. This is the place to be and there is an awful lot of help here, including a shoulder to cry on at anytime. As far as the solutions go, they are never crystal clear until you are looking BACK on them. You'll get there, along with the rest of us.

Welcome to eNotAlone where you really are NOT ALONE anymore.

he tried to have my phone, cable, internet and utilities disconnected...

i think i have it turned around...

he did a temp. suspension on the phone and i was able to get him taken off the account...

i'm glad i caught the rest, i might be able to avoid it....since i am the account holder....

he does this every time i want away from him...one time he even had my car repossessed in the middle of the winter in colorado....when i had to take my kids to school...just to torture me...he called the dealership 25 times a day hounding them to go to my house....telling them my schedule etc. then took down all my signs for training....and tried to get me evicted from my house.....and that is just the tip of the iceburg....we didn't even have food...and i didn't know how to get any assistance then...my kids only had sub sandwhiches everynight that i wrote bad checks for....and i told them to eat extra at school....no wonder i took him back...he made my life a living hell....but i think i have learned how to handle it all better now...this guy is such a creep....

he hasn't changed a bit...or intend to...he called last night and just screamed at me for hours about how it was all my fault because i am so mean and full of hatred for him.....

he is scared that i will date...so he is trying to stress me....it's not going to happen....this time...i am taking care of myself....better than ever....

i have ptsd...post traumatic stress disorder....and i am being treated....

i'm very glad to be able to talk online about this....

thank you all very much...