sammy girl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Share Posted June 24, 2007 well...i have a house...so i'm not going to the shelter... i did consider it but they won't take my son... i would feel sooo much safer there though..... he is a guy that does have something to lose so i doubt he would do anything .....but i know he would want to... he did spy on his ex once with a gun and watched her make out with another man....while he had a gun pointed at them (red dot on her forehead)....she never knew... i'm hoping the protective order keeps him away... Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Yeah i really hope so too! I'm glad to hear the positive results that your son is experiencing... it must make things much easier. You seem much stronger and very focused on moving forward...and your positive attitude is inspirational to anyone who is reading this and going through a similar situation. Are you going to get involved in any kind of therapy? If not for yourself ..then maybe your son? Link to comment
mintblossom Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 it's important for a young teen to have a safe and secure home environment to grow in. that comes before money. it's nearly impossible to have that kind of safety and security with an abuser around - you never know when he's going to blow up next. Link to comment
sammy girl Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 thanks for pointing that out (that i have a good attitude), i wasn't really aware of it.... i am putting one foot in front of the other...i'm telling myself.... that it is ok if i don't see the next step... ...just believe.... i am becoming more confident again...as i take on the challenges that i thought were too big. it's crazy how the abuse cycle works....and it is a miracle when a woman gets out.... ...unless you have been there, i think it is almost impossible to fathom. i know it was for me. i used to say how stupid women were who tolerated it.... i was the ignorant one... i can almost see light at the end of the tunnel... unimaginable that i could miss him...just yesterday...our routine etc.... he is such a loser....!!! a horrible nightmare of a human being. ](*,) i'm sure he is sleeping with every man, woman and teen that he can get his hands on....lol Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 you WILL have days where you miss him.....and dont feel like you are wrong for feeling that way. You were, after all, married to him and he was a part of your life..even with all the abuse...I missed my ex...even though i felt relieved and finally at peace when the relationship was over. When i would start to miss him...the reasons i left...ALWAYS out weighed the reasons to missed him. you WILL get through this..stay positive ..keep moving forward and keep focusing on your future ..and how many possibilities lay ahead. Link to comment
sammy girl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 i'm feeling great. the neighbor came over and asked about us....if we are going to work it out. she said..."he is madly in love with you" and "i hope you guys work it out"..... ...made me want to.... this is confusing. i wish i could have the good without the horrible.... Link to comment
godschild Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I understand. Its like when I argue w/ my fiance he just adds how he owns the house and car and he has credit and ofcourse his mama. I hate this too. Its not fair. I had lost everything when I came into this relationship. I was so stupid and not getting smarter. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Sammy.. when i left my ex people would say the same thing.... but they didn't live your life ..did they? they don't know how scared you are and were ..and how abusive he was... all they see is a couple who is married ..and they think you should work it out..but thats THEIR opinion..and they don't walk in your shoes. Hold your head up high and know that you have made the right decision. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I understand. Its like when I argue w/ my fiance he just adds how he owns the house and car and he has credit and ofcourse his mama. I hate this too. Its not fair. I had lost everything when I came into this relationship. I was so stupid and not getting smarter. godschild.. if your Fiance is abusive towards you..its not going to change once you get maried..it will most likely get worse and he will find ways to control you more... if you aren't happy now.. you won't be any happier once you get married. Link to comment
sammy girl Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 he is in the sorry, crying phase... i did talk to him.... he wants me to schedule counseling and he says he will live somewhere else until it's where i want it.....kinda hard to believe though. says he will quit drinking...all the usual promises...he sounded so weak..and i felt so strong....just like i felt when i met him....it was great to have my own power back....... but i need to decide if i should do living apart and serious couples counseling.....without a protective order in place...he will probably drive me crazy.... i know it's crazy to even think about it....... he'd have to be in AA and stay there.... my options are obvious to me now...i can do it...i do love him and the good things.... opinions...?? please...i'm asking for it..straight... Link to comment
miss_sparkles Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I can't understand how you are even contemplating it to be honest. You seemed so strong before - but I wonder whether that was just in response to the support you have had here. He's obviously never going to change - I think that you know that deep down. As a mother myself, I would never allow my son to be party to any of that behaviour. You need to put your son first and just remind yourself of all the disgusting things this man has done to you. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 In my opinion ....if he is serious about getting help..then he should go get help...AA AND individual counseling and he should continue with this for at least a year...and remain clean and sober..with no other incidence of stalking or abuse..and then you should maybe consider. I honestly don't think he is serious..he is in the remorseful phase.. and actions speak louder then words... if you start to consider this and jump too soon... then you are going to be right back where you started and all of the progress you have made..will not mean anything. So ..if i were you ..i wouldn't give that up.. people with addictions and abusive behaviors don't change overnight...drinking is how he deals with life.... being controlling and abusive is how he deals with situations that he can't control.... do you think someone can learn new behaviors overnight? Your husband needs a lot of help to make positive changes..and you are not that powerful to help him... he needs professional help and a strong desire to change...if you take him back ... he has what he wants...he will lose the drive to make positive changes. If i thought for a second that a person can change based on promises alone...i would still be with my ex..and he would be clean and sober ..and functioning and living as a healthy adult...he isn't..he's still doing his usual ..and thats never going to change. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Abusive situations are really hard to deal with. I know it isn't fair to have to give up the things you love in order to leave. Believe me, I've had to give up my place and a pet unfortunately. And it is painful. But in your case you should think....."It's not fair to me or my son, if he decides to kill us both, and gets away with it." All you have to do is turn on your television. See women who stayed with abusive men. These men have killed them as well as their children. Your a mother now, no luxuries, whether it's fair or not you have the obligation to protect your child. You really have no other choice. Link to comment
miss_sparkles Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Your a mother now, no luxuries, whether it's fair or not you have the obligation to protect your child. You really have no other choice. Well said Gracelove. Link to comment
Bella_Strega Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 He's attempting to get you to join him in the "honeymoon phase". It's the classic cycle of abuse. They try as hard as they can to get you to believe what it is they think you need to believe so they can "own" you once again. "The Cycle of Abuse: (from Contemporary Women's Health, 2nd Ed.) Phase I - Tension or Buildup This phase is characterized by increasing arguments and minor forms of verbal or physical abuse. The perpetrator attempts to keep the woman under control, and she is aware of the consequences if she does not "obey or carry out" his demands. During this phase, the woman may be more willing to be helped by assistance from community resources or listening to a trusted friend, relative, or member of the clergy about the reality of the relationship. Phase II-Battering Incident In the perception of the perpetrator, situations that cause tension or anger exceed his ability to cope and result in angry and violent responses. A former batterer will know that these violent responses serve either to reduce this stress or to change "her" behavior. Intervening factors such as police involvement or injury requiring medical attention may occur during this phase. The perpetrator and the woman may be more amenable to intervention following the battering event. She may be hurt, angry or frightened; he may feel shame and/or guilt. Both may want the violence to cease. Arrest of the batterer and the immediate consequences are good intervention factors that may keep the violence and abuse from recurring. Phase III-Calm or "Honeymoon" Phase During this phase, the couple experiences feelings of reconciliation, calmness, and reminders of earlier, more loving periods in their relationship. This phase is usually shorter than the tension phase, and it usually disappears over time as battering incidents increase in occurrence and severity. The man attempts to justify his behavior by blaming others: the victim or use of alcohol or drugs. Promises that it will never happen again are made. He usually means it, at least until the next time there is tension or disagreement. The woman is often not amenable to assistance or counseling during this phase, especially if the battering cycle has not occurred too often. During this phase, the woman receives the most rewards (for example, loving attention, flowers, gifts) for remaining in the relationship. The perpetrator is well-behaved and caring. The woman is most receptive to this behavior and responds to his overtures for reconciliation. Both partners may minimize, forget, or distort the incident(s), which will eventually result in the cycle being repeated. Intervention directed toward the perpetrator may be possible in this phase due to remorsefulness and the desire to please his partner. However, as this phase passes and the batterer believes his partner will remain in the relationship, he becomes less willing to be involved in any intervention process and the cycle begins again. Please get out for your child's sake, if not for your own. Here is a poem a therapist gave me and I found again in this text book... Autobiography in Five Short Chapters I. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost...I am helpless It isn't my fault It takes forever to find a way out II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. III. I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. IV. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V. I walk down another street by Portia Nelson Sound familiar? Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 so true ..every last word. Sammy, i think if you look back over your relationship with this man you will see the pattern very clearly. Link to comment
sammy girl Posted June 30, 2007 Author Share Posted June 30, 2007 and yes...i do see the pattern very clearly... ....he is in the honeymoon phase..like clock work... oh brother...i have my money situation lined up ...almost..... i'm not attracted to him....the weirdest thing. i don't where it went....but it seems like it is finally gone. i pity him...i see that he is going toward destruction...with alcohol.... like my first husband....and i iknow i won't save him...ok...i have my son to think of.... when i was in the violence, i think fear and panic was disguised as love and attraction. his new friend....a worn out brain dead alcoholic female that he confides in...omg.... he confides in HER? lol and i was worried about some sort of great retaliation on his part... i think i have this licked....](*,) Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 haha! absolutely ... isn't it funny when the fog clears ...how clearly we see things? Keep your eye on the future.... you are doing are so good! Link to comment
Bella_Strega Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Good for you! Stick to your guns, you are on your way! Link to comment
sammy girl Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 omg... i feel like a new human...almost 2 months away from him...... how did i ever think that i loved him? everything has worked out great for me....my old self is still here...i feel peace again. he still wants to get back together....lol i won't talk to him at all.... i am finally over all of his lies.... Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 CONGRATULATIONS!!! woo hoo! you go girl!! you broke the cycle! Link to comment
sammy girl Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 all so much for your kind and encouraging words when i was in crisis.... they were instrumental in breaking the cycle.... i will be forever grateful... and yes...my son is so much happier now...! xo oh ya, i wanted to add...i can't believe how much energy i now have...and how focused that i can be..... and i am doing it..and i did it!!! i'm so happy. Link to comment
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