She is 16. He is 35

My cousin is currently dating a 35year old man. since i have come on here and received very helpful advice as i used to be seeing an olderman. i have recommended this website.

the problem is the age gap. i know it was not as big as mine was but i still feel she needs help from some of the people on here to make her realise that this situation is not good.

any helpful comments are vary grateful.

Thank you all for my advice that you gave me

xxxxxxxxxx

she needs to get away quick! thats all I can say, in most places that is very illegal and even if it isnt illegal by law it just seems morally wrong. Why would a 35 year old man want a 16 year old child who probably just went through puberty?

In most cases I wouldnt be against an age gap relationship (as long as there are two consenting adults) but this is far beyond reasoning.

whoa!! RED FLAG!! can you say.. CHILD MOLESTER?!

She is still a CHILD!! he needs to keep his filthy mitts off of her..

Mythical is right!! What he is doing is a crime he can do up to 20 years in jail for!!

I have to question.. what (besides the obvious) would a 35 year old man want with a 16 year old?!

and, more importantly, what issues does she have which would make her think this is ok?!

Hey there -x-kj-x-,

Any man that mature in age dating a 16 year old can be summed up with the term: "pedophile".

Here is the definition:

the sexual interest is toward children, either prepubescent or at the beginning of puberty

the sexual interest is the primary one, that is, exclusively or mainly toward children

the sexual interest remains over time

Regardless if a 16 year old male or female assumes they are "grown" and can do what they want, I cannot see this relationship as healthy whatsoever. I would be very shocked if the 16 year old's parents were allowing their daughter to be subjected to such behavior and assume that this is ok.

16 in ANYONE's book is STILL a child. I don't care how you look or how mature you are...this is NOT HEALTHY.

I suggest you have a talk with your cousin or her parents about this "relationship" to see if something can be done to remove this predator for her.

A 35 year old man that hangs around a 16 year old that IS NOT HIS DAUGHTER or relative IS NOT A MAN....but a predator that needs to be stopped.

If a conclusion cannot be met with your cousin or her parents, I suggest you find someone to help you file a police report and restraining order against him.

Please be careful....speak with someone you trust. They can help you help your cousin.

-SuperDave71

Adults should be there to Mentor the youth, not date them.

She should call it off, get away from the guy as fast as she can.

This is not dating. Your cousin is not dating a 35 year old man.

She is being taken advantage of and used by a 35 year old man.

All that has been said so far is true. I too would be shocked if your cousin's parents, aunts uncles, or any adult stood by while this was happening and they knew about it.

Your cousin probably has strong emotions for this man. That's understandable.

That doesn't mean that she should continue to see him or to receive his calls.

That doesn't mean that this is love.

She isn't a bad person because of what she is doing. She is, though, now in a situation that is over her head. She may not see that now.

Is she keeping this a secret from other people in her life?

Is she doing things that she never would have done before?

Is she afraid of being told she can not see him?

Do they spend most of their time together away from anyone she knows, away from public places?

This 35 year old man is wrong to be doing what he is doing.

He is not someone with her best interests at heart.

Good for you to look into this and for caring about her enough to try and help her. That's excellent, and even better if you can get some adults with you on this information.

Is there anyone you trust enough to talk to about this in real life? An adult that could step in and be there for your cuz?

tc

Even if the guy were 19, she's too young to handle these emotions in a healthy way. Everyone has an opinion on this, but please be there for her when things go bad.

I told you so is no comfort.

I had to reply as I'd JUST started to date my girlfriend when she was 16 although only a week from her 17th birthday (I was 26), she's 18 now and I'm 28. In the UK the age of consent is 16 and there is nothing illegal or immoral about dating someone so much younger. Ok yes there's an age gap here, it's a fair bit bigger than the one I had but I wouldn't immediately start to say it was 'wrong'. When I was a lot younger I dated a woman who was 36 at the time and while there was a rather large age gap I didn't at the time think it was unmanageable. I definitely don't regret that relationship, it taught me a lot about relationships and how they work, we're still friends now though not in regular contact. I think each situation has to be taken in it's own context. In my own situation I put a lot of thought and soul searching into everything I did before a relationship developed and it took a fair while for me to become comfortable with the idea of the age gap. Since then it's gone on to become pretty much the best relationship I've had, we've been going well over 18 months now and about as solid as we could be. I don't try and rush her into things and I'm a little protective of her but other than that our relationship is one of equals and always has been. Let people make their own mistakes, she's old enough at 16 to know what she wants, ok she may well grow out of this guy and quite honestly she probably will but she's old enough to make her own mind up about the situation. The more you try and influence either person involved the more you will push them together.

I would have to agree with you and everyone else, he is far too old for her!

Question: Do her parents know about it?

Question: What is the legal age of consent where you live? I know this may vary from place to place.

Question: How did she meet this man?

What do her parents think of the situation? If they care about her, they should get involved and resolve the situation. They're really your best bet, since talking to her about it will yield no results.

As for whether it's ethically sound or not, that's an entirely different matter. For thousands of years, girls of that age were married off to older men. But I think that age difference is just too great, especially since most teenagers these days do not have the mental maturity needed to sustain a meaningful relationship. Of course, the same is true for many adults.

Amen to that. I dated a 26 year old when I was 16 and when we were together I felt that he treated me better than I had been by people closer to my age. She is not a child. If you live in the US, well that is very different. Then I would not be supportive of a relationship like that, simply because it is against the law and thereforeeee almost certain to end in heartbreak. But I have always dated older men and found them much more respectful and caring than most teenage boys. Be there for her if it breaks down, but if no alarm bells are ringing for her AND the relationship is legal, I don't see much of a problem here.

i was wondering why so many of you thought mine and my bf's age gap was wrong but you think that her's is acceptable?? i don't understand this ?

also i would like to add that her bf has no children and has not been previously married that we know of! why is he interested in a 16 year old? it seems a bit strange dont you agree?

thanks for your comments

xx

I got the distinct impression that your own situation was ringing alarm bells for you, which is a sure-fire way to tell that the situation is not right. He also had very different circumstances to the man that your cousin is with. It's possible he sees her as a woman, it's possible he is taking advantage, but all I'm saying is that as long as she's happy and it's legal, then there's not anything you can say to her that will make her see otherwise.

What were these "Different circumstances"? as far as i am aware her situation is VERY similar to mine are they not? she is 16, younger than me and he is 35! you are basically telling her that it is ok! yet you told me mine was wrong?? several of you also said my situation (17yrs and 45 yrs) was illegal ? if mine is then surley with her being younger than me hers is also illegal!!

it seems you are just taking her side over this! why?? now with your help i might have just made the biggest mistake of my life in braking up with him!!!

Because as you just stated, this man your cousin is seeing does not have children and has not been married. He is in a very different place in his life to the man that you were seeing. Where do you live? If it is in the UK then neither relationship is illegal. If in the US then I do not think her relationship is right either. I am not taking anyone's side, as I have said before, you seemed to realise that the relationship you had with this man was inappropriate. If she does not think this about her own relationship, then you are better to let her be rather than risk losing her friendship.

Hi thankyou for all your comments so far.

now there is another problem she assures me that they are not having sex but i am not sure. she went out to see him last night and came back really shy

is he making her have sex with him when she doesnt want to?

i dont know if i should ask her as i feel this may be too personal?

any replies are welcome

help!!!

xxxxx

If he's forcing her to do anything that's entirely wrong but it does seem like you're reading into things that may not be there. There's a fair chance they just had an argument or something entirely different happened, including consentual sex. If you feel you must ask her then you should and try to look out for your friend but I wouldn't be overly concerned without knowing any facts.

Almost everyone is saying this is wrong. There's only one dissenting voice. 35 and 16 is as wrong as 43 and 16 IMO. You did NOT make a mistake kj. I thought your parents agreed with us? That alone should tell you you didn't make a mistake.

Tell your cousin to tell her parents, just as you told yours.

Actually there's 2 dissenting voices, both from the UK, it says a lot about how the laws of the place we live shape our morals. There are several countries where the age of consent is as low as 12/13 and some as high as 21, what is wrong/right in a certain area is not necessarily wrong or right in another.

Well I'm from the UK too. Maybe "wrong" is too blanket. I just can't see any context in which this could be a healthy relationship for either party.

anytime one person is a teenager and the other person is approaching middle age (or in middle age or older), one has to be suspect about the older person's motives.

the interests and experiences of a teenager are light years different than someone who is middle aged or close. these relationships are almost ALWAYS rooted in the older man's desire for sex with a younger girl, and if the girl is underage, the guy is a pedophile, no matter how you try to spin it.

the majority of time the young girls are crushed to discover the man is only interested in sex, or he tries to lead her into a life of pornography or prostitution once he has hooked her into 'loving' him.

so please please please be very careful, and consider why either of you wants to date such older men at this time in your life. you should be having fun with boys your own age, rather than mixing yourself with these older men who are NOT normal and may have hidden agendas that neither of you have discovered yet.

so please please please be very careful, and consider why either of you wants to date such older men at this time in your life. you should be having fun with boys your own age, rather than mixing yourself with these older men who are NOT normal and may have hidden agendas that neither of you have discovered yet.

I think that you are generalizing slightly. It is good to be cautious when there are such large age gaps, and certainly the man must prove his intentions are nothing but pure. But I don't think that just because he is 35 and dating a 16 year old we can assume he is some sort of predator. We still do not know much about their relationship, about him, or whether it is legal for them to be having sex. Seeing as the OP is not in this relationship I do not think any of us are in a strong position to judge whether this man is acting inappropriately or not. If they live in England and are happy together then I don't think that he is.

I dont think you should bother with this relationship. I dont think it will work out. Now I am not saying that some dont. But alot of these big age gap, relationship don't work. Reason being: Alot of men/women are using the person they are going out with. Either because they have money, or just because they want to show off they got a hot boyfriend/girlfriend. I think as a friend it is acceptable for this big age gap. I personally have family friends who are 40 years old, and I get along with them great. As for a boyfriend or girlfriend I think one should stick with a 10 year age at maximum. Get your cousin away from this guy. He is too old for her. She is still a kid, for all you know he could be a pedofile. Also check the concent age in her area. Find out what it is and I say get her parents involved.