Checking in......

to where, I don't know. j/k Actually for once, I do know!

Just wanted to check in. I've been busy for the past week or so. Congratulations to Hazey!!! And good luck to BTR and Dilly! And everyone else, I'm still trying to catch up, I hope all is well!!!!

I also want to thank each and everyone of you for helping me in the past several months. And also for your lessons taught through your personal experiences. You are an amazing group of people / friends!!!

I posted this in journal because .. well, couldn't decide where to post it and figured I may write in a journal to keep things in perspective.

I've been away for a bit. I had last week off work with my children. It was wonderful, relaxing sometimes, not so relaxing others, exciting, fun, and pure enjoyment while spending the time with my kiddies.

Monday, we went "park hopping!" We hadn't had a chance to try out all the parks in our town. We had one last day of good weather before a cold front moved in. So, we checked out 5 parks in a day! We had a blast! Lots of sliding, climbing, mazes, water, an absolute blast! Next day, we went to the Children's Museum, our favorite! Then a couple nights at home with a few of their friends over! My kids were with family Friday night and Sat night (Non-custodial parents have Easter in Odd years.) So it wasn't as great as the beginning of the week! I always miss my kiddies!!!

Where I'm at.... in this place called life I guess.

My children are amazing! I am so lucky to have two beautiful, healthy, fun, well behaved and sometimes rowdy little ones!

Last week, I had alot of time to think. I also had a break in the normal routine of coming to the office.

I thought alot about life, the obstacles I have overcome and the past and the fact that I've allowed myself to be stuck in a situation for so long. My "bf" / "ex-bf" (still don't know which one he is,) and I had "lots" of talks and discussions, many at his request.

We really had no good times together. Yeah there was the day that we slept in and the day we hung out but it was full of discussions. I honestly believe all the discussions only had one conclusion, that we are not compatable.

Saturday night, I told him I was unhappy, didn't want to be a part of the relationship any longer and that I wanted him to leave. He left. Shortly after, I received a text msg "I'm sorry. I know I should have known not to get anyone involved in this ***** life of mine. Sorry!" (The first apology ever from him." He also called last night just to talk (not about anything specific.)

It seems like it's just another one of our typical breaks. I'm going about each day focusing on the important things and not stressing for once. I'm hoping that each day that passes will give me further strength. I used to wonder (and still sometimes worry) if he truly loves me but just has difficulty showing it because his life is in such disarray.

In any case.... I'm taking my life back. I want it back. I realize how much I've allowed this to consume me in the past several months and I just want my life back...........

Hey ITG!! I am glad you are back. I missed you.

Hey, Bigheart!!!!! I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!! How are you??!

You have certainly been in my thoughts, btw! Thank you for the warm welcome!

I was reading your post and thinking the same thing about my life. If his life wasnt so messed up, would things be different? And I really think it would.

I was reading your post and thinking the same thing about my life. If his life wasnt so messed up, would things be different? And I really think it would.

I think it's a possibility as well. At this point, it's more of a worry that I'm making the wrong decision. Having a future with him, how he used to be, is what I've wanted for so long. It's hard to figure out if I'm doing the right thing. So I'm just doing what I can. Trying to separate myself emotionally and mentally (and physically - don't plan on seeing him for awhile at least.)

I feel like I have a much clearer perspective on all of this. I think I do.

Do you ever have that thought, "I want my life back?"

Do you ever have that thought, "I want my life back?"

Actually I dont! What I do think "I want things to be how they used to be!"

I know what it is like to have a normal relationship with my bf and that is what i want back..and i dont think that is possible right now with his life being so messed up.

I can relate. I'm just having difficulty remembering things ever being good, honestly. And in the future, I never want to go through something like this again.

We all have obstacles in life. The way we handle them and react is a true reflection of character and strength. I think that the past 8 months has been a true reflection of how any complex situation will be handled between the two of us in the future. And again... I never can go through this again.

I guess there are some people in life that think that when bad things happen in life they blame others and dont look at themselves. Does that make sense? There is nothing wrong with us, just them.

Bigheart, yes it makes sense.

From what I've gathered (and always known,) is that is someone is not happy (or miserable) with theirself, they aren't able to give their all to much of anything.

I should add though - I don't think that's true for everyone. I think "some" people are only able to focus on one thing at a time and until that issue is resolved, they "can't" offer their love. Not to mention that they may never deal well with stress.

Okay, so I do have some thoughts to get off my chest. This journal may very well be handy to me in the many days to come.

My mom had training in the city this morning so she stayed with us last night. It was great having her over.

As I was walking out to my car today, I started thinking of the evenings plans. It was sunny and a little warm so we'd ride bikes, if my kitchen sink wasn't fixed, I'd order pizza, we'd then do our reading and playing and shoot for an early bedtime.

And then the thought came drifting in... But there's noone to "talk" to at home. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children, interacting with them, talking with them, learning / teaching with them. I also have wonderful friends and family. But I don't have that one special person to rush to call or see at home. And that's okay but that's an adjustment for me. I know I'll get through it fine. But just wanted to note that. That is what I miss. Being important to someone / companionship.

On a sidenote, there is a guy that has acted interested in me for the past several months (I went on a date with him during a break in February.) Anyway, we haven't talked much but I was honest with him when my ex and I got back together a few weeks ago. Anyhow, he sends messages every now and then out of the blue. Last week, he sent a msg asking why he hadn't heard from me. I told him I'd been busy and sorting through things. Everytime I get one message from him, I eventually get a message like "Wanna quickie at lunch? Wanna play on the phone tonight? Etc." I had made it clear I wasn't comfy with it previously. Today, he started again. As much as I could use a good friend and the attention is tempting, I told him clearly, your sexual talk is not welcome. I'm not comfortable with it. Maybe if you wanted to go to dinner or have a normal conversation, we could but this is unacceptable. He responded with "Just forget it! I don't want to explain myself all the time or feel like I'm thinking wrong. Hope you find what you are looking for. See ya." I was just trying to express my comfort zone and that he was crossing it. I'm glad he was quick to respond. And, I'm proud of myself for expressing my boundaries.

La di da....... time for housework. I feel like I've just taken a ton of bricks off my shoulders. wooohoooo!

Note to self.... At some point, if I want to be in a relationship, I will find someone that I am compatable with. I will not be single forever.

And this adjustment to being single will not kill me. I will get through it successfully, with pride and dignity.

I was okay. Until my kids fell asleep. I am exhausted but I know sleep will be hard to come by. Sigh.. The adjustment period. It ends. I know it does.

And the positive of yesterday (besides my wonderfully relaxing time with my kiddo's): I realize that I am missing companionship rather than "him."

I had a couple glasses of iced milk and a hot bath.... Time for bed! I think I can sleep now! Oh yeah, also managed to do the daily chores around our apartment.

Life is good! My kids, friends, family are great! And life can only get better!

(Now if I just had someone to scratch my back! Ahhh, that's right - he wouldn't have even done that most likely - better invest in a plastic back scratcher!)

Im glad you are doing ok, I know from past experience how draining it is to be going into that kind of pattern with a boyfriend, about this whole adjusting thing, its kind of sucky at first but hey! you have to start somewhere!! Must be really nice to have your kids to look forward to everyday.

Im sure we all here could be your someone to talk to when you get home, and go get yourself the best back scratcher money can buy, you deserve it!!

Thank you Kelly for your encouragement and support! I really appreciate it! I sent you a pm - please check when you can!!!!

Today... And Yesterday... Okay - this week! lol

It's been an overall great week. My kids and I have had so much fun together. Reading, playing, bike riding (when it was warm enough,) - lots of quality time. We've been able to relax and really enjoy each other!

A great note: I was trying to figure out how I'd afford summer care (full time care) for both of my kids this summer. I could have afforded the cheapest option but it wasn't cheap and we really would have had to sacrifice for me to afford it (would have been 1/3 + of my income and we would have been eating bologney!)

Anyway, I went yesterday to sign up. We had to have a membership so we also now have a gym membership and I'm going to start working out! The good note though, I get a 50% discount on the summer care!!!!! I can now afford summer clothes and other needs without struggling! A blessing! A true blessing!

Bad note: My daughter's dad is using a booster seat instead of a car seat with harness's. She's only 36 lbs and not even 4. It's technically against the law and not safe as can be. She's not to be in a booster seat until she has outgrown the car seat. We talked about this! And after me passing on my knowledge, they agreed that they'd wait. Apparently they changed their mind. I'm typically very considerate with them. This is not something I'm willing to bend on. So... it seems it's going to be a little saga.

And J... Should I even include him to my daily journal anymore? Well.. I guess I'll add that I have talked to him a couple of times this week. Regarding his court case - him contacting me. But it is over. I honestly can't imagine getting back into that! I'm going to continue to enjoy my kiddies, be in close touch with my friends and family, start working out a few times a week and just focus on us! My kids and I!

I need to write. Update, get a few things off my shoulders so I can get some work done!

It's been a great week with my children. They are so amazing! We had baseball practice Monday. Played at the school park for a bit afterward. Tuesday, I had an appt so we made a rare weekday visit with family and I went to my appt. Wed, went to the gym - I worked out while my little ones played in the child area (with a jungle gym) and then we swam. And yesterday, played outside for most of the evening. It's just so wonderful watching them grow, watching their personalities evolve. And I have to say, their humor! They are definitely little comedians and I love it!

Have a bit of trouble with my daughter's dad this week. They first refused to use the proper safety seat. They finally agreed to use the proper safety due to not wanting a car restraining order placed.) But what used to be a very civil (+) co-parenting has become very strained and ugly. Lots of changes to be made there. Lots. Glad I have the strength because I need it very much right now!

And lastly and most unimportantly, my ex. I talked to him everyday this week besides yesterday. He usually initiates contact. The talks are never about our relationship. (Except for once when he made some comment about it and I told him I was through talking about it.) I was comfy talking to him but it really was like weaning myself from the habit of talking to him. I had no plans to see him.

Wed, he decided to stop by the gym my kids and I go to. (He doesn't go there.) Thank Goodness, we were in the shower room and didn't see him! He called when we left to chit chat. That night, it just clicked furthermore - I do not need him to chit chat with. I do not need him period. It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time I seen him. Now my goal is to stop talking to him. I've already given up all hope and desperation (that I held onto for too long.) Now I just have to make the break. I haven't attempted to contact him and haven't heard from him since Wed. I'm doing great! Kinda reinventing a routine. Going to the gym, playing outside, baseball, etc. etc. etc. Woohooo! I'm gonna make it this time!

Oh yeah - and work! I am going to be in training from May 7 through June! This is awesome! Finally a break from my cubby! And a chance to grow!

ITG, I had wondered where you'd been!!! I'm glad things are going okay for you. This whole journal thing helps. It gets kinda addicting. I'll make an entry then an hour later make another...

Pointless post, sorry. Just wanted to say I'm glad you're back and I'm reading your journal

Thank you for your words BabyCairo! And for putting a smile on my face! And Nooo! It wasn't a pointless post! I'll have to check on your journal!

What a beeeeauuuutiful weekend!

We had so much fun this weekend! It seemed to last forever and we fit so much into just a few days. Friday, time at the gym and movie night (How to eat fried worms! eww!) During that movie, my son started dancing. He says he learned how to dance from "Happy Feet." He's got moves that I didn't know he had! lol My daughter, has been sooo sweet. All the time "I love you, Mommy." They are both wonderful. Sat, work from home and try to keep little ones engaged with crafts etc. It was certainly interesting. My son went to his friends (so he could play outside) and his friends brother came over to play with my daughter so it worked out well. Then a cookout Sat night. Sunday, we adjusted our new car seats and installed those. Also cleaned out the car. I played one of my son's webkinz games to earn him more webkinz $. I think I'm hooked. lol j/k (but it was fun - like Tetris.)

After finishing around the house, we went back to our hometown to visit family. Visited with their paternal gparent's. We played baseball and talked and talked. Then I went shopping for summer clothes while my son visited his dad and my daughter her Nanny (gma.) Then last stop, my parents. We visited them along with my sister and nieces. I LOVE FAMILY DAY!

My kids make me smile so much. My son has become so hilarious with his comments and whatnot. He always has something to say and it's usually funny. My daughter this morning took her keys and her purse to her babysitters. She commented "someday, I'll be able to drive." I said, yes, you will in 12 years. She said "then you and me will both be driving!!!" With a squeal. I told her yes but could she please stay little for awhile!?

And just to add as a little sidenote. I have been talking to J daily since we split a couple weeks ago. But at this point, the time with him is like a faded memory. We never talk about us - just daily mumbo jumbo. Yesterday, I checked his myspace page, it still says in a relationship, still has a picture of us. But I deleted him. Now, I don't have the option of checking out his page. Which is a good thing! He called me but I wasn't able to take his call. I sent him a text "yes?" And he responded "Never Mind!" Okay then...! I feel so relieved that I'm taking steps and actually making ground on getting past all of that!

Hi I'm that girl, thought I would drop a little howya note onto your journal. I know you have had a tough time and you are so right to drop that guy who was sending you suggestive SMS texts. You are so worth much more than this...! Go girl.

Anyway, just thinking of you here 3500 miles away over the other side of the world. I hope you are planning a nice vacation for you and your kids!! Sounds like you deserve some ME TIME. Go ahead treat yourself...buy that dress...get that facial......

Hugs G Fish!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Goldfish! You are wonderful!!!!!!!

Today's words.... summed up in another thread. I've released him / myself. We won't be communicating any further.

Thought I check in while I have a brief moment.

To those of you that have sent me messages, sorry I haven't responded quickly! I will try to find time to sit down at home tonight and respond. I am sorry, sorry, sorry!!!!

I hope everyone is doing great! And wish I had more time to check in!

Couple of updates.... Couple weeks ago was dealing with my daughters dad and his fiancee. At the time, I had told my attorney that I felt like overnights at his place every other weekend from Thursday to Sunday were too much for my daughter. She advised that I could change the weeknight visit from Thursday to Tuesday (pursuant to the court orders.) I thought about it but didn't want to raise more conflict.

-------> He sent me a text yesterday telling me that his work schedule got changed and he has to switch to Tuesdays!!! I'm so excited!!! Now my little princess won't be away for 3 nights in a row! (every other week.)

On another note: I'm going to be in training starting next week through end of June. I will definitely try to check in. You have all been amazing friends to me and I'll miss you!!! I'll try to make time in the evenings but ya know duty always calls (at work, at home - kiddies...)

I am glad that you are doing well. I like your new avatar. You look cute.

Hi I'm that girl

I think your new photo is lovely! Very nice! I put my photo back again for a little while anyway

Hope all is well with you and your kids!

I've been fine, I'm off to Spain next weekend for a whole week in the sun! Puertos Banus. Can't wait...me..pina colada.....book.....sea....palm trees and sun....!!