Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 14 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 135

Thread: A day in the life of...BornToResist

  1. #21
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    WHAT AM I DOING???

    I've been trying SO hard to do the right thing. I've been making good decisions, thinking about how they will affect my life, and really thinking before I act.

    Until this weekend. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

    Okay I have posted about my exboyfriend a couple times. We dated for two years and I finally broke up with him because I figured out he wasn't the most honest of people. He never did anything malicious or flat out hurtful, he just kept secrets. Lots of secrets. Many of them for no apparent reason. I couldn't have a relationship with someone who kept so many things hidden...I guess it sounds kinda dumb when I write it out but there was just something fishy with him. He's a wonderful friend but a terrible boyfriend. My heart was broken because he honestly treated me like a princess the entire time we were together...it was the times we weren't together that he'd act weird. I figure he was/is young and just needed to be free.

    So I broke up with him and hated him for a bit...but he never really let me push him away entirely. I'm happy about that because he turned out to be someone really awesome in my life and has been there for me through thick and thin. Despite everything, he really is a great guy.

    And now...we're really good friends. There always were some lingering feelings there, but I'm not quite sure what those feelings are.

    Well I wanted to hang out with him this past Saturday because my family was out and he became friends with my older brother throughout everything. But he couldn't at that time. Finally he called me at 11:30ish and asked me to come outside because he wanted to hang out for a bit. So I did.

    And well. We hooked up. And now I feel like crap.

    I've been trying to do the right thing and make decisions that will make me feel good about myself and will lead me down good paths, but this definently wasn't one of them.

    There are so many reasons why I feel terrible. Reasons I didn't know would make me feel this awful.

    First of all, he has a girlfriend. This is one of the things I knew would make me feel like crap but I still did it despite it. She just so happens to be a girl I never have liked and I feel contributed to our breakup. I'm being completely honest here by the way and trying to work through these feelings...anyways. So maybe this was an opportunity to "right" the situation in my mind? I know it sounds horrible but it's a possibility. That kind of "well I'll show you attitude." But honestly I didn't really think that in-depth about it during our little encounter, but looking back this was probably something that led to that decision.

    Another thing that made me feel terrible is those feelings that are/were still there. I think maybe they were just fond memories of all the great things we had that I held dearly to me. And now maybe I spoiled them? I haven't been treated so nicely by a guy since him and I think I may have put him on a higher pedestal than he deserved. But now he's down from it and I think less of him because he just cheated on his gf of like 4 years like it was nothing. But I know (at least from what he's told me) that he doesn't cheat on her usually...so maybe he feels the same way? There were lingering feelings there that he indulged in too? I mean, who am I to judge him because I did the same thing. Although I'm single and didn't cheat on anybody, I'm no better than him because I was the "other" woman. Geez.

    Okay so perhaps I'm reading too into this...I have just never been in this position before and didn't realize how terrible it feels. So I have no intentions of putting myself back into it.

    Oh well. You live and you learn, right? Nobody said that the right decisions were easy ones.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    There are so many things that I question about religion.

    I was raised a Christian and went to a Christian school that was probably more detrimental than it was anything else.

    I switched to a public school in high school and that was basically my undoing. Typical naughty catholic school girl sort of thing. Get me out of church and I ran wild. Probably until a year ago.

    But now with all the consequences I'm facing from all the bad decisions I've made, I turned back towards religion. But there still were and are so many unanswered questions.

    I feel bad because I want SO BADLY to believe in God and everything that comes along with it. But I find myself getting stuck on the unanswered things. And I have been feeling guilty about it. I'm not quite sure why...I just want so badly to be able to lean on this new found faith but I haven't been able to entirely. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

    I have been attending church for the past couple of months and every time I leave, there are more and more questions. They trouble me BIG TIME.

    I pray and I pray and I pray but sometimes it makes me feel silly...

    I don't know what to think.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    BLAH. All of this is really starting to get to me.

    I had 5 months off for maternity leave. And I didn't even take the whole thing. FIVE months! That is unheard of around these parts, usually everyone gets a measly 6 weeks. Ridiculous.

    But now I'm back at work and after a small freakout (I tried to quit and didn't show up for a week, but my boss understood and gave me a little time to breathe), I am more didicated than ever. Well, not as dedicated as I could be, considering I'm online typing away at this journal, but I'm here everyday, earlier than I used to be and am tackling all that I should be.

    But I look like total crap. Like I got hit on the freeway on the way over here. Maybe it's just hard cause my baby is sick at the moment, but this is really getting tough. My eyes are bloodshot, my hair looks like a rat's nest and my clothes look okay, but I'm a walking zombie. People are asking my what's the matter because I look like I've been crying. I'm not upset, just tired. So freaking tired. I drink cup after cup of coffee and it does nothing. I yawn every three seconds. Man. I've been at work almost a month now and it's just getting more and more *yawn* difficult.

    Enough. Oh my, life is tough, I have a beautiful, perfect little boy who I get to sleep next to every night, then wake up to drive to my wonderful, understanding, well paying job that allows me to surf the internet in my comfy, reliable car that I own out-right. Yeah. What a whiner. Boo hoo, I'm drowsy. Stupid stupid girl.

    I decided how to deal with my anger issues in regards to my ex. I just am letting it all go. I'm not going to talk about him anymore (well maybe on here, but that's typing so it doesn't really count).

    The people around me talk about my situation a lot because let's face it, it's good gossip. But I really need to disconnect myself from it. My ex's ex-wife called me to say what's up and tell me the news and apparently my son's grandmother is talking smack about me all over town and calling me "crazy" and all this other crap. This is coming from the most sanity challenged human being I have ever met, but still, I let it get to me. I found myself driving home from work just getting more and more angry, indulging in fantasies about what I would say to her if I saw her in the supermarket or anywhere else, and I just had to stop. Seriously, WHO CARES? THOSE people dwell on this stuff. THOSE people let every tiny little thing get to them. THEY blame everyone and confront them and cause problems. NOT ME. Please, NOT me. I am not going to be like that.

    I am not confrontational. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no qualms about tearing someone a new one if provoked, but it is really hard to get me going usually. I am quite the laid back, easy going individual who is very successful at "killing them with kindness." I have learned the hard way how to deal with R's shenanagans, and that's by not responding. I don't give him ammo. I just watch him run himself in circles because he's so confused by my reaction that he doesn't know what else to do. That's what gets to those people. It drives them nuts that they can call me or email me the nastiest stuff you've ever seen, and all they get is "well, I just thought I should update you, our son blah, blah, blah."

    I cannot let them get to me. Don't dwell, let it roll off my back. Take a deep breath, life goes on, the less I spend worrying about those wastes of skin, the more time I have to be happy.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    Okay I'm trying to swing with the punches, I swear. But sometimes it just seems like it's one thing after another.

    My childcare person is going to flake out on me. I can tell.

    I hired a family member to watch my son for a little bit. She really wanted to do it because she quit her job on the spurr of the moment and can't find anything because she's pregnant. So I offered her a nanny-type position. It's not the ideal job but I figured, she's pregnant and can't find work, this way she won't have to even do much in the morning, my kid is pretty kick back and it won't be that bad.

    But now the preggo stuff is kicking in which I understand in a way. She's complaining on and on about how she's so tired and she wants to be able to go out and do things and this and that. Well I kind of understand it. Well...not really. I went to work every day while I was pregnant and yes I get paid better than she does since it's an actual job and everything (not that nannies don't have jobs, but this was just kind of helping each other out). I went until they put me on bedrest.

    What I don't understand is KNOWING you are pregnant, and quitting your really good job with benefits and all that because you wanted to go out of town immediately and they had a problem with it...

    Okay so maybe I'm a touch selfish but this really puts me in a bind.

    I wanted to enroll him in daycare anyways, but I have to wait until after my court papers come since my ex is fighting me on everything and doesn't want him in daycare, only wants his mother to watch him. So we talked about it in court and they're going to make a decisoin for us. And I want to know what decision it is before I sign a contract with a child care place.

    Also, EVERY SINGLE child care place is closing at the end of the summer for 2-3 weeks. If I enroll him now, then I'd have to find him additional child care, PLUS pay them while they are on vacation. WHAT? I know. So I wanted her to watch him while this is happening. Now she's gonna flake.

    I really hope she doesn't just call me in the morning tomorrow and tell me she's not coming.

    I hope I don't sound too selfish. And don't think she's like 9 months pregnant, she's like 4 or 5 months along and yes, it's still hard on your body but the majority of women still have to go to work at that time. I did. What's the big deal? Also she gets to bring her daughter with her. What other kind of job will pay you to come in, wear whatever you want, make sure you're fed everyday, and you can bring your kid? You can sleep when he sleeps, which is often, you can take him wherever you need to go...

    Maybe I'm selfish or something. Maybe I don't pay her enough. I know I don't. But she agreed to this amount and honestly it's all I can afford at the moment.

    *sigh*

    I don't know what to do anymore! Do I just tell her thanks, go about your merry way...but what about all the other childcare places? Even if I took off work to stay with my son, I'd still have to pay them for those weeks!

    I don't know what to do.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    My luck did a 180 yesterday.

    I worked out the childcare situation like a pro. I called my family member and talked things over with her. It was a good conversation. I just told her that I like her and I want to stay close with her and I don't want any issues between us so I need to know what she wants and needs out of the arrangement. I let her know that I wanted to enroll him in daycare anyways, as this would be a temporary thing from the get-go, but I just needed help until summer is over and after the daycares open back up full time with no more plans of vacation. She was very easy going about the whole thing and said we didn't even have to figure out an exact date if I didn't want to, she'd do it until further notice. I let her know that while that is very, very sweet of her, this is something that is stressing me out and I cannot just "wait and see." I had to handle everything NOW as soon as possible to try and make sure there'd be no hiccups or anything in my master plan.

    So she is going to watch him until September 13th. I have to pay her this Friday enough to cover all her bills (which was already agreed upon, but I let her know that it was coming) and then she'll go about her way and do the lazy pregnant stuff, which is fine by me.

    I called the childcare place I want to enroll him in and they have ONE spot left. YAY! I told her I wanted it and I gotta give her a deposit asap to save my spot. She just got a 5 month old little girl to watch so my son will have someone his age to hang out and grow up with. How cool is that.

    The absolute best part about this childcare place is it's run by my best friend's aunt (who I never met until I started this childcare search adventure) and she lives literally two minutes from my house. I can walk there in probably 10 minutes. Her place is SO nice, they have a sign in and sign out sheet, they have these little forms they fill out that tell you everything about your kid that day (how many diapers, bottles, etc), they have basically as fool proof of a system as you can have. I'M jealous...I'd love to hang out there all day and play, it's that awesome. AND...get this...she understands my situation. She knows how to deal with it! My ex can't get him kicked out of this place (unless he was to try really, really hard which he *might* do). I know it's probably kind of hard to understand this but it's even harder to live it.

    My ex...he'll do anything to get what he wants. If he doesn't like the childcare place, he'll harass them until they say they don't want to deal with it anymore (for example). But this lady...she's awesome. She has a place to attach a court order so she'll know if he should be picking him up or not. We talked for hours and she was warned that my ex is not the most likeable person so be prepared, and she seemed ready to handle it.

    Okay enough about that. So I gotta give her a deposit. And I gotta pay my nanny this week. I started freaking out about money.

    BUT THEN I went in my room and found FIVE HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS! I get stoked when I find a dollar in a pair of pants I forgot about...but I found $500 that I forgot about. RIGHT ON. So excited. So I don't have anything to worry about today.

    Oh wait. I'm leaving to visit my brother this weekend and I'm leaving Friday right after work. My ex has visitation Friday night and I haven't told him yet. Oops. Oh well. I still have time to give him 24 hours notice and will offer a makeup day whenever he wants, as long as he gives me 24 hours notice.

    The funny thing is, he thinks only he can play this game. He wants to stand me up, have me waiting there with our son ready to go only to not show up, and he doesn't realize I can do the same thing? I'm not about to stoop to his level because I'm *way* better than him (please excuse my giant ego, jk) but I could. I emailed him and asked him if he could tell me in the future if he wasn't going to make it (not even the 24 hours notice per our court order), and he responded by rambling about respect and whatnot. He still brings it up when I don't do what he wants...about how I don't listen to him and he thinks it's dumb that I want him to respect me enough to give me notice when I don't respect him by doing what he wants, blah blah blah.

    Anyways, point is, I gotta tell him that he's going to miss his Friday visit and I'll catch hell for it. Sounds ridiculous, but it will happen. I'm taking some control away from him and he needs that like he needs air to breathe.

    Well I'm on a roll...things are going my way today (well yesterday anyways) and he can't get me down.


  7. #26
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    We just had a department meeting at my work.

    They are going to be doing away with our department in about a year.

    That was probably the most tension-filled room I have been in ever. You honestly could hear a pin drop.

    At first they started talking about new software and other boring nonsense...I wasn't really paying attention at first, I have a bad habit of that...but then words like "downsizing" and "smaller department" caught my ear.

    I watched a room full of faces drop. It was kind of sad to watch.

    This is my outlook about my job. I don't like it. They pay me well, so I'm here. They give excellent benefits, so I'm here. When getting off of my maternity leave, I didn't want to come back, but I needed the money. Then I was worried about getting too comfortable here because I want to do so many other things in my life, and I have a tendency to stick with the familiar, which I think is natural. This was never my career though. I have four years I have to dedicate to education...at least four. And the last thing I want is to waste time at a job that I know isn't really going to go anywhere for me instead of working towards my goals. But it's safe and not risky, and I think it's human nature to stick with what you know. But great things come when you take great risks...

    So there I was, sitting there doodling on my yellow pad of paper and then I got to watch so many people I care about (I have worked here for 3 years or so) have their hearts drop into their stomachs. We have older people working here and this is their life. It's a really great company and HUGE (if I gave the name, I'm certain you would know it), and I'm sure there are other opportunities here, but man. What a day.

    I called my mom immediately and shared my life lesson with her.

    She's been worried day in and day out that her company was going to go under. She works at a small business and is probably the most important person there besides the owner. She makes really good money but she could see from a mile away that there would be financial difficulties and she couldn't get the owner to pay attention.

    I rang her up to tell her that nothing in life is guaranteed. She's been sitting there stressing all the time, and the people at MY company are probably going to be without jobs before she is.

    Crazy stuff.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    I'm in a really strange mood.

    Yesterday I was freaking out about EVERYTHING. I don't know why.

    Today I'm jittery from too much coffee.

    My brain doesn't make much sense.

    My best friend went and interviewed my lawyer yesterday. She said she like him a lot and it reassured me that he's an awesome lawyer.

    I had crazy dreams last night. I dreamed about the guy who I bought my car from. This is a guy I met once or twice. He was cute but I had a dream about him months later? That's weird. He was at my church...only it wasn't my church but it was in the dream...anyways I was talking and talking to him and then went to some mexican birthday party with him, even though neither one of us are mexican. Strange.

    Today is my niece's birthday. I love her so so so much. She is 8 and just going through that wonderful "I'm so grown up and know everything" stage...but all it takes is a poke to the belly in just the right spot and she's rolling on the floor laughing hysterically just like she did when she was 3. It's crazy to watch children grow up. It's hard. She and I were so close from day one. I'm her favorite aunt by far and am the one who knows just who she is. I'm the one who gives her the presents she plays with first on her bday or christmas. She calls me to tell me about her classroom pets. It's sad because she was the one who would always climb all over me, I'd give her piggy back rides and be a jungle gym...but now she's too big. Her brother and sisters can climb all over me and sometimes she will try but she's just too big and I can't play with her like that anymore. I feel bad. She's so tall and is turning into such a wonderful person. Everyone says she looks just like me and could be my kid. She looks exactly like me actually...it's crazy.

    Anyways. I can't imagine what I'm in for. It's hard to watch my niece grow up...I can't even comprehend what it will be like when I turn around and my son is turning 8...how sad. I want him to stay a tiny baby forever. I love snuggling with him and how he plays with my fingers or my hair when I'm feeding him a bottle and how relaxed he gets and just sprawls out in my arms and on my lap...how he tugs at my shirt in the middle of the night and those adorable baby squeals and giggles...aw. I love my little boy. He's absolutely beautiful and is only getting more and more irresistible by the day. I don't know what I did before him. How did I live? What did I get up in the morning for? I can't imagine life before or without him.

    I'll be back.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    I'm so lame at times.

    Okay so I posted about that stupid boy who I hooked up with who has a gf.

    Well, I have successfully stayed away from him. Go me.

    BUT. I don't know what the heck is the matter with me. I don't want to "be" with him. No way. Not a chance. But I keep thinking in my head that I do.

    I know I don't though.

    I think subconsciously I just want him to try for me. I was like, the side dish...and I'm having trouble with that.

    He calls me ALL the freaking time. I rarely answer, but he's always begging me to come over. WHAT the heck. WHY does he have a gf? It's messing with my head.

    That's why I got away though.

    But still...I feel like I want him. Although I don't. I think I just want to take him from her, however horrible that sounds. But it's like a game, isn't it? The chase, the catch and release. Same crap over and over. Well I am not pursuing it AT ALL but there's that thought in the back of my head, like "hmm...I wonder if I could get him..." How messed up. I'm not acting on it though. It's just...weird.

    I had an awesome weekend though. I've been working like mad on my son's room. I got it all primered and so now it's no longer hot pink. It's white at the moment and I just gotta pick out the paint and primer his little cubby hole thing and closet, then move on to paint. It's going to be darling. I can't believe how big that room is. I'm so excited.

    This morning I woke up with his little toes stuck in my rib cage. I started getting so excited that finally I'll be able to set his crib up. It was cute and sweet to sleep with him while he was itty bitty, but now, he's more than ready for his own bed. He doesn't need me to fall asleep anymore. He like, doesn't even want me there anymore (kinda sad cause I'm seeing he's growing up a little bit), and he like, kicks me out of MY bed.

    So I'm excited.

    I have a full on nursery, it's just all in pieces. I have bags of things for him all over the house, in storage, stuffed in my room and in the bathroom. It's going to be great to finish that room and have a place for it all. I cannot wait. Yay.

    I just bought my mom her bday present. Now I only have like $150 bucks left...I don't know how I can possibly save any money like this. I really want new floors for the little guy but I just can't see how I will be able to do it.

    I went to church yesterday. It made me sad. I don't have those feelings like they describe there. I see people raising their hands up when they're singing, and I just...I don't feel that way. I don't feel I should pray about every tiny thing. I feel like God, of all things, would know what's best for me. I surely don't. So many things have happened in my life that I thought would make it the end of the world, but it turned out it was just what I needed. I wouldn't have that stuff taken away cause I know it made me a better person.

    But I see people pray to God to take them down a certain path...and I'm thinking...who are YOU? Why do YOU think YOU know more than GOD what's best for you? If anyone knows, it'd be Him, right? How lame. It's like, when kids throw fits...all they want is ice cream and cake and sweets. Parents say nope, you need to eat your veggies. Kids cry and scream and think their parents are so unfair. But they don't realize that if they got what they wanted, they'd be sick and unhealthy. They need to do what the parent says even if they don't agree. Parents know best. Well, God is just a big parent, isn't he? Who are we to tell him what we need.

    And I keep thinking...who am I? Why would he answer these prayers? Things always turn out okay, I have faith they will, and they do. Why should he listen to my petty requests? I'm just one of billions of people on this earth...this earth is just one planet out of who knows how many...why would I matter...?

    Oh wellllllllll I guess those are all answers I'll find out when I die.

    Too much thinking for a Monday.

    Geez, this guy is calling me again. WHAT did I get myself into? Why does he think I can be the chick on the side? Cause I'm not. I'm the girl you gotta try for and *maybe* you'll get a chance with. Not the one you call when your girlfriend isn't around and she comes over and services you. *puke*

    I got asked out by my neighbor. It just reinforced the fact that I am in no way ready to date. Not even close.

    I said maybe I'd be interested in going out to dinner sometime. Then I walked inside and obsessed. What the hell? I just got out of a crazy freaking relationship. I barely have time to go out with friends, I want to start school, my kid is only 6 mo. old. No time for stupid boys. And then I started thinking "does he do drugs? Is he gonna lie to me about it?" and decided no thanks. I have too many issues to sort through right now...I don't need any more, and especially someone else's. Thanks but no thanks.

    Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    I hate the stupid jerk.

    Blahhhhhhhhhh I hate feeling like this more than I hate him though.

    Last night was his visit. My son had a little rash on his face but it wasn't too bad, just looked like a little bug bite or something.

    The second his dad saw him, he said "oh look, you got a ZIT!"

    I know I'm overreacting but that really got to me.

    My son is PERFECT. Perfection. Absolutely gorgeous, not a flaw. And he says something about a little spot on my son's face?

    I don't say anything about his stupid gap teeth, his big fat nose, how short he is, or the fact that my infant son has more of a manhood than he EVER will...

    ARG He really makes me angry.

    I just wish he'd disappear. Not die, not anything bad happen (I'm trying to be the bigger person here), I just wish he'd be gone. Like, one day, have him erased from everyone's memory. How great would that be.

    He wrote me an email saying "I've noticed he's having breathing problems, have you gotten that checked out?"

    BOIHSEDL>HELRJHDFKJ#)*U$#*W$

    YES I HAVE, not that I have any freaking help from you, guy! You don't pay his doctors bills, you don't help AT ALL. What kind of parent do you think I am? Like, congratulations, every other weekend dad. Way to be responsible. BLAH I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM.

    *bangs head on keyboard*

    BUT he'll be around FOREVER. Just being the waste of skin he is, using up perfectly good air.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    1,825
    Gender
    Female
    WOOHOO I'm so so so excited.

    One of my good friends has started surfing. I'm so happy!

    FINALLY I have someone to go with! It will be such motivation!

    The only person I knew who surfed was my ex and there's no chance we're gonna go together again, so I was bummed out. But YAY now I have a friend! And she's just learning so it won't be like she's over at the really fast, hard spots and I'm stuck paddling around by myself because it's too big of a day for me. We can go together...even on crappy days...and she has kids so she understands I can't just drop everything and go without any warning. We're coordinating our schedules and won't be able to make it out for like 3 weeks as it is but that's good. Summer will have died down, all the kiddies will be back at school, and we might be able to go on a day where the beach isn't completely swamped.

    SO EXCITED. Hello, prepregnancy figure. Goodbye soft spots and flab. WOOHOO.

    I gotta go get myself a new wetsuit though...I totally outgrew mine. I don't have a little boy's body anymore. I got curves which are good, but means all new clothes, wetsuits, swimsuits, everything.

    Yay.

Page 3 of 14 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •