HOUSE RULES for Grandparents

David and I were married a little over a year ago. We are middle aged and both have grown children. David has 4 sons and 5 grandchildren and I have 1 daughter and 1 grandchild. This is David's 2nd marriage (1st was for 17 years). This is my 1st marriage (I raised my daughter as a single mother). I love David very much and 95% of the time I cherish every moment we spend together. Both of us possess above average intellect and conservative views. During the 4 years we have known each other we have identified that our main relational weaknesses are that I sometimes have inappropriate displays of anger (verbal ranting), and David has an issue with fully expressing his feelings without seeming insensitive.Here is our issue:

THE ISSUE: David's belief about how his grown children and small grandchildren behave in our home is basically, ANYTHING GOES. When in our home his children and grandchildren are not held to any standard of good manners or considerate behavior. Here are some examples:

Current condition: The grandchildren are allowed to take food and drink into the spare bedroom where they play and it inevitably ends up strewn from one end of the room to the other. After a visit from the grandchildren, especially if it is an overnight visit, I almost always have several hours of cleaning in order to restore my home. Shouldn't children be taught that there are rules of etiquette and decorum when visiting in someone's home?

My suggested solution: No food or drink outside of the kitchen/dining area, except for maybe popcorn in the living room when watching a movie.

Current condition: One of his sons is divorced and sometimes stays overnight with his 2 children when he has them for visitation (this is due to the fact that his ex-wife will not allow the children to sleep at his current residence). When they do stay with us, the grandchildren are allowed to rip and tear through my home, stay up as late as they want and fall asleep on my sofa. One of the children wets the bed (6 yrs old). I have found several items hidden in the bedroom that were used by the child to wipe up his "accidents." I do not hold the child responsible, but I do think it is the father's responsibility to take precautions before putting the child to bed (diapers) and/or totally take care of cleaning the bedding and mattress before he leaves.

My suggested solution: When our grown children visit us with their children, they should make sure our home is in the same condition when they leave, as it was when they arrived. Also, the grandchildren should have a set bedtime when sleeping overnight.

Current condition: David has a 23-year-old son who I love to death, but when he visits from out of town he consistently uses my sofa for lounging and sleeping. He almost always brings a friend with him, which does not bother me, but he and his friend lie on my sofa and recliner, watch really bad T.V., and inevitably fall asleep, rendering my living space completely inaccessible to me or anyone else who might be in the house. I have asked this son to please use the spare bedroom for sleeping when he is in our home (there is a T.V. in there also); however, because I get no back up or support from David my request has been ignored. This is a simple issue of considerate behavior.

My suggested solution: No lounging or sleeping on the living room sofa when visiting in our home, as it makes the room unavailable for anyone else to use.

On the surface these may seem like petty concerns, but in reality David and I are in conflict over our values system, which is a significant concern. To me, teaching good manners and considerate behavior is a natural part of parenting/grand parenting. I automatically expect these behaviors, and receive them quite naturally from my daughter and grandchild. David, on the other hand, seems to believe that requiring these behaviors from his children and grandchildren is imposing and oppressive. When we discuss this issue, which is almost anytime someone visits us; it almost always becomes heated and is never resolved. Here are the main theme(s) of our arguments related to this issue:

David: He says he will not make his children feel uncomfortable in his home by imposing rules on them.

My response to this: "But it's o.k. if I feel uncomfortable in my own home, when they visit?"

David: Says that having no rules makes things more fun for his grandchildren.

My response to this: I say that it is a grandparent's duty to help mold their grandchildren into kind and considerate human beings. As a matter of fact, I think most people could give you an example of how a grandparent's teaching had a significant and positive impact on their lives. There are ways to have fun without letting the grandkids run hog-wild.

David: Every time we debate this issue David says I don't have to clean up after the grandkids, that he will do it himself.

My response: No matter how hard I try I cannot make him understand that cleaning up after the grandkids is NOT my issue. I like to clean, and prefer to do it myself rather than impose my standards on someone else. My issue is my strong belief that it is our duty as responsible parents and grandparents to teach and reinforce appropriate behaviors to our children/grandchildren.

David: Accuses me of treating my daughter and grandson differently (better) than I treat his sons and grandchildren. He explains that this is a significant issue for him because he sensed his grandmother favored certain children over him when he was a child.

My response to this: I believe this is a separate issue. Like stated previously, my daughter and grandson are held to the same standard outlined above, but do it without me having to ask. If there were ever a time that they did not display good manners and behavior in our home, I would have no problem bringing it to their attention. I admit that I am sometimes short with David's grandchildren and socially withdrawn from his children when they visit. However, I believe this is largely due to my growing frustration and resentment over David's unwillingness to bend on this issue.

Every time we debate this issue I try, but fail, to explain that it hurts me deeply that David finds it easier to know his wife is unhappy in her own home than it is to enforce some basic rules of decorum when the children and grandchildren visit. When I bring up this point David almost always replies by saying, in his most sarcastic tone, "Let's just add that to the very long list of things that make you unhappy." I believe this comment is totally unfair. It takes the focus off the real issue and places it on my personal character. This angers me so much, that I have to walk away before I say something I will regret. Consequently, we are not coming to a mutual agreement on this issue. I am now seeking some 3rd party input to see if it can help David and I come to a resolution. Any input you could give will be greatly appreciated. Thank You.

Want a change ?

Do it !

Are you of a conservative view ?

Do it !

Is he also ?

Do it !

Will you regret it ?

Do it !

Because

You won't get a change if you don't change

You won't break his manners if you don't change yours

You won't regret it since you deeply want it

You won't get any problems since you're the one made to

Do it !

His flaw is anxiety.

Cbenniner, merging families is a complicated affair.

It is not easy to treat our children and "his" children the same. The love we feel for our children is always bigger. thereforeeee we don't have the same level of patience. Also different levels of what is considered good manners prevails in some families.

I suggest you and your husband find a mediator, a social worker of family therapist to set some basic rules. This is very stressful for you and having a future step daughter myself who is very disorganized and messy I can relate to you.

The grandchildren are allowed to take food and drink into the spare bedroom where they play and it inevitably ends up strewn from one end of the room to the other. After a visit from the grandchildren, especially if it is an overnight visit, I almost always have several hours of cleaning in order to restore my home.

I can see why you're quite upset and frustrated. Having them over is literally a chore for you. Your home is your sanctuary and it should not be disrespected. Children will be children- but if they had structure they would not act this way. He must be the one who provides it, and he's not coming through.

It would be different if he wanted them to have this carefree lifestyle, but then HELPED with the cleaning later. It would at least be better than him leaving all of the mess for you. When someone does that it makes you feel taken for granted. The principle behind the matter is worse then the actual mess they leave. I see this situation going downhill rapidly if this continues. It's going to cause you to resent his family.

Problem:

The grandchildren are allowed to take food and drink into the spare bedroom where they play and it inevitably ends up strewn from one end of the room to the other. After a visit from the grandchildren, especially if it is an overnight visit, I almost always have several hours of cleaning in order to restore my home.

Solution: Have a talk with him and tell him that either 1.) Food is not going to be taken out of the kitchen, or 2.) If food is taken out of the kitchen, he must agree to clean the mess. If 1 or 2 is not followed then don't pick it up next time. I know it will annoy you to leave the mess- but part of you enables it if you clean up after them. Let your husband deal with it if he's going to allow it.

Problem:

One of the children wets the bed (6 yrs old). I have found several items hidden in the bedroom that were used by the child to wipe up his "accidents." I do not hold the child responsible, but I do think it is the father's responsibility to take precautions before putting the child to bed (diapers) and/or totally take care of cleaning the bedding and mattress before he leaves.

Solution: Purchase one of those pastic coverings designed for bedwetting problems. Have a special set of sheets and towels for the child. If he is sleeping over- instruct his father- or your husband to prepare the area where he will be sleeping and to launder the sheets and towels before they leave. Approach this from a hygiene/cleaniliness/germ standpoint.

Problem:

David has a 23-year-old son who I love to death, but when he visits from out of town he consistently uses my sofa for lounging and sleeping. He almost always brings a friend with him, which does not bother me, but he and his friend lie on my sofa and recliner, watch really bad T.V., and inevitably fall asleep, rendering my living space completely inaccessible to me or anyone else who might be in the house. I have asked this son to please use the spare bedroom for sleeping when he is in our home (there is a T.V. in there also); however, because I get no back up or support from David my request has been ignored.

Solution: Ask them to sleep in the spare bedroom. If asking doesn't work once again- then next time don't let this render your living room inaccessible. Go about your everday business with them sleeping there. If that mean watching TV, cleaning (vacuuming)..... in the room where they're sleeping......they will get annoyed enough to sleep in the spare bedroom next time.

I think you need to put your foot down in a major way. Ask nicely first- if there's no response then Plan B should be in order. You have to show them that it's not tolerated, or you'll continue to be walked all over. Your home should not be a free-for-all for any of the children (his or yours).

BellaDonna

Please don't tell him anything in a way that appears to be an order - or that you think you are in charge of the house, so you get to set the rules and everyone else has to follow them. Not a good idea.

The key is negotiation and compromise. Tell him the problems as you see them, offer reasonable solutions and ask him if he has any that he can offer. Then work this out together. Remember that your previous bouts of temper will work against you in this process so it is vital that you control the volume and tone of your voice. And ask him to express himself fully so you don't think he doesn't care or think it important.

Remember that you are not his offspring's mother and grandmother. How they were or are brought up is not your concern. What they do to your house is a legitimate concern - but it is out of place for you to assume a parental role, especially since his children are adults. His grandchildren's manners and behaviour are even less your business - they are barely his as he is their grandfather not their father, except as it affects your home.

If you put him in the position of having to upset you or his children and grandchildren - everyone will lose. If you are not careful you may end up with a spotless home - without a husband in it.

What about establishing one room as "the playroom"? My godparents do this for their grandkids. All the furniture gets covered, anything breakable gets removed, and they put out all the kids favorite toys. The rest of the rooms, food is not allowed in, rough-housing is not allowed, etc.

And like belladonna said, if your husband says he will clean up, then let him! Even if it means having to look at a mess for a few days. Or you can tell your husband that you will hire a cleaning service after these weekends.

Solution: Ask them to sleep in the spare bedroom. If asking doesn't work once again- then next time don't let this render your living room inaccessible. Go about your everday business with them sleeping there. If that mean watching TV, cleaning (vacuuming)..... in the room where they're sleeping......they will get annoyed enough to sleep in the spare bedroom next time.

I agree - don't feel like you are kicked out of your own living room. Fix up the spare bedroom, make it cozy, and then go to watching your favorite soap opera and opening your mail in the living room. Be nice about it - tell him about the 600 thread count cotton bed sheets you just bought for the spare bedroom, and the new fluffy pillows you bought.

good luck

It sounds like you two having some very different ideas about parenting. Your husband comes accross as one of those "cool parents" who is more interested in having fun with and being the friend of his children/grand children than he is actually being a parent to them. His children were of course raised the same way, and now they're passing it on to their children.

It sounds like you've tried to ve very reasonable with him and discuss your concerns. However, you should try discussing them with him at a neutral time, not soon before or after one of these visits.

I third BellaDonna's advice to let him clean the place up. If he isn't going to set limits on them, then let him clean up their mess. I'm sure it will annoy you to see your home a mess, but if he says he will clean it up, then by all means let him clean it up.

I understand your concern in wanting to instill proper values in your grandchildren, and I completely agree with you. I think your husband does them a disservice with his approach. However, it's not your place. They aren't your grandchildren. And technically, it's not even your husband's responsibility either. Its his children's. And well, you know where they learned their parenting from...

Sage advice from all of you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my lengthy post. Your wisdom knows no bounds. (special thanks to DN and someguy). All of your words are well taken. Thanks again!