CBenninger

"I can't leave my dad like that, i want to help him and my family but i feel like i still need to help myself still" Sweetheart, your desire to help your dad is quite natural, but it is not your job to take care of your parents. It was their job to take care of you. It sounds like you have a family that is full of love for one and other, but is also riddled with complex problems. My dad was a compulsive gambler (he is dead now) and I am from a very large family that has seen it fair share of addiction to drugs and emotional problems. Let me see if I can offer some advice. First of all, know that you are not alone. There are so many families today that struggle with the same issues. People are very good at hiding the skeletons in their closets. Secondly, this is probably a difficult proposition for you to accept at such a young age, but as you go through life you will find that your greatest emotional pain will be associated with your childhood family. While you and your parents will always have great love for each other (as you should), the sooner you accept the fact that you cannot help or change your parents, the sooner you can pursue a sucessful and happy life for yourself. You can break the cycle of family unhappiness. Next, I would tell you to resist drug use at all costs as it will ruin your chances for a good life (I was a drug user at one time and it had a profound and negative impact on my life that I can never undo). You are almost of age, so hopefully you are going to be graduating from high school soon. THIS IS IMPORTANT: GO TO COLLEGE! Whatever it takes, no matter what you do in your life do this. Find a college that is not in your hometown, but not so far away that you cannot go home for the weekend if you want or need to (say a couple hours driving time). I think having this distance from your family for a while will help give you some perspective. At the same time, you will being getting a college education which will be the greatest investment in yourself that you will ever make. A college education will not only provide you with a way to make a good income, but it will provide you with a level of insight into the human condition that will amaze you. You will always love your parents and they will always love you, but do not give up your chance for a happy life in the future because you want to help your parents. And for heavens sake, PLEASE do not give in to the cycle of addiction. No one wins in that situation. Not you, not your parents. Statistically, there is a very good chance your parents will never change their behaviors and will always have some amount of strife in their lives because of those behaviors (we all have to live the consequences of our actions and no one can change that for us). However, you do have the power to give your parents a gift that they will cherish for the rest of their lives. Something that will make them happy and proud every time they think about it. Something that will be a shining star of goodness for them for the rest of their lives. . . .Go out and be sucessful and be happy. Do you think your parents want you to follow in their footsteps? As a matter of fact, I would bet that they are wracked with guilt inside thinking that they have negatively impacted your chances for a bright future. This is something they would never discuss with you, but believe me, they carry a great deal of guilt. It is difficult for someone as young as you to understand the feeling of guilt, as you have not had enough time in life to create anything to feel guilty about. Real guilt does not happen instantly, it builds over many years and becomes the most persistent, futile, and oppressive weight a human will ever experience. Your success in life will certainly alleviate some of that guilt for your parents. In closing let me give you a simple rule to live your life by. This rule can be applied to any situation life can throw at you. When your life is feeling turbulent and you don't know where to turn repeat this mantra and apply to the situation at hand: God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE The courage to CHANGE the THINGS I CAN. And the wisdom to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE Your parents behavior is something you cannot change. Going to college and making a great life for yourself is something you CAN change. Good Luck Sweetie!

Sage advice from all of you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my lengthy post. Your wisdom knows no bounds. (special thanks to DN and someguy). All of your words are well taken. Thanks again!

David and I were married a little over a year ago. We are middle aged and both have grown children. David has 4 sons and 5 grandchildren and I have 1 daughter and 1 grandchild. This is David's 2nd marriage (1st was for 17 years). This is my 1st marriage (I raised my daughter as a single mother). I love David very much and 95% of the time I cherish every moment we spend together. Both of us possess above average intellect and conservative views. During the 4 years we have known each other we have identified that our main relational weaknesses are that I sometimes have inappropriate displays of anger (verbal ranting), and David has an issue with fully expressing his feelings without seeming insensitive.Here is our issue: THE ISSUE: David's belief about how his grown children and small grandchildren behave in our home is basically, ANYTHING GOES. When in our home his children and grandchildren are not held to any standard of good manners or considerate behavior. Here are some examples: Current condition: The grandchildren are allowed to take food and drink into the spare bedroom where they play and it inevitably ends up strewn from one end of the room to the other. After a visit from the grandchildren, especially if it is an overnight visit, I almost always have several hours of cleaning in order to restore my home. Shouldn't children be taught that there are rules of etiquette and decorum when visiting in someone's home? My suggested solution: No food or drink outside of the kitchen/dining area, except for maybe popcorn in the living room when watching a movie. Current condition: One of his sons is divorced and sometimes stays overnight with his 2 children when he has them for visitation (this is due to the fact that his ex-wife will not allow the children to sleep at his current residence). When they do stay with us, the grandchildren are allowed to rip and tear through my home, stay up as late as they want and fall asleep on my sofa. One of the children wets the bed (6 yrs old). I have found several items hidden in the bedroom that were used by the child to wipe up his "accidents." I do not hold the child responsible, but I do think it is the father's responsibility to take precautions before putting the child to bed (diapers) and/or totally take care of cleaning the bedding and mattress before he leaves. My suggested solution: When our grown children visit us with their children, they should make sure our home is in the same condition when they leave, as it was when they arrived. Also, the grandchildren should have a set bedtime when sleeping overnight. Current condition: David has a 23-year-old son who I love to death, but when he visits from out of town he consistently uses my sofa for lounging and sleeping. He almost always brings a friend with him, which does not bother me, but he and his friend lie on my sofa and recliner, watch really bad T.V., and inevitably fall asleep, rendering my living space completely inaccessible to me or anyone else who might be in the house. I have asked this son to please use the spare bedroom for sleeping when he is in our home (there is a T.V. in there also); however, because I get no back up or support from David my request has been ignored. This is a simple issue of considerate behavior. My suggested solution: No lounging or sleeping on the living room sofa when visiting in our home, as it makes the room unavailable for anyone else to use. On the surface these may seem like petty concerns, but in reality David and I are in conflict over our values system, which is a significant concern. To me, teaching good manners and considerate behavior is a natural part of parenting/grand parenting. I automatically expect these behaviors, and receive them quite naturally from my daughter and grandchild. David, on the other hand, seems to believe that requiring these behaviors from his children and grandchildren is imposing and oppressive. When we discuss this issue, which is almost anytime someone visits us; it almost always becomes heated and is never resolved. Here are the main theme(s) of our arguments related to this issue: David: He says he will not make his children feel uncomfortable in his home by imposing rules on them. My response to this: "But it's o.k. if I feel uncomfortable in my own home, when they visit?" David: Says that having no rules makes things more fun for his grandchildren. My response to this: I say that it is a grandparent's duty to help mold their grandchildren into kind and considerate human beings. As a matter of fact, I think most people could give you an example of how a grandparent's teaching had a significant and positive impact on their lives. There are ways to have fun without letting the grandkids run hog-wild. David: Every time we debate this issue David says I don't have to clean up after the grandkids, that he will do it himself. My response: No matter how hard I try I cannot make him understand that cleaning up after the grandkids is NOT my issue. I like to clean, and prefer to do it myself rather than impose my standards on someone else. My issue is my strong belief that it is our duty as responsible parents and grandparents to teach and reinforce appropriate behaviors to our children/grandchildren. David: Accuses me of treating my daughter and grandson differently (better) than I treat his sons and grandchildren. He explains that this is a significant issue for him because he sensed his grandmother favored certain children over him when he was a child. My response to this: I believe this is a separate issue. Like stated previously, my daughter and grandson are held to the same standard outlined above, but do it without me having to ask. If there were ever a time that they did not display good manners and behavior in our home, I would have no problem bringing it to their attention. I admit that I am sometimes short with David's grandchildren and socially withdrawn from his children when they visit. However, I believe this is largely due to my growing frustration and resentment over David's unwillingness to bend on this issue. Every time we debate this issue I try, but fail, to explain that it hurts me deeply that David finds it easier to know his wife is unhappy in her own home than it is to enforce some basic rules of decorum when the children and grandchildren visit. When I bring up this point David almost always replies by saying, in his most sarcastic tone, "Let's just add that to the very long list of things that make you unhappy." I believe this comment is totally unfair. It takes the focus off the real issue and places it on my personal character. This angers me so much, that I have to walk away before I say something I will regret. Consequently, we are not coming to a mutual agreement on this issue. I am now seeking some 3rd party input to see if it can help David and I come to a resolution. Any input you could give will be greatly appreciated. Thank You.