Batya33

Your interactions with Alex didn't sound like a healthy friendship or fun. Too one sided/caretaker stuff. Do you think some of them were concerned you were trying to date them or hook up with them?

Congrats on the 5k and thanks for explaining! Sounds frustrating to deal with -your brother's choices/perspective.

Does he treat his customers and employees this way too? I bet not. Do you have kids? I'd call it a day at some point -he doesn't seem to want to change his behavior.

I wouldn’t take it personally. You know he has autism and he has less control over his filters. I’ll let others with more knowledge chime in as to whether he’s doing enough to work on how he treats you and his level of sensitivity as far as getting overstimulated. My dad had a mental illness and poor social skills so he said some embarrassing and sometimes disrespectful stuff. However. He complied with therapy and meds plus he had a really good heart. He really meant well. And he was a doctor who really cares about his work and patients etc. It helped me forgive him - later in life especially- it was obvious he wanted the best for us. That went a long way. I am NOT saying autism or ASD is a mental illness at all. I’m simply saying I had intimate first hand experience with a family member with special needs and in his case a disability. I’m not meaning to apply wrong labels here. I have many friends with kids who are on the spectrum. if the way he treats you doesn’t work for you I’d leave. This I mean separately. Even if it’s because of or exacerbated by his autism you don’t have to date him or be in a serious relationship if it’s this much of a struggle. I’m sorry you’re frustrated. You seem to be twisting yourself in a pretzel to accommodate him.

Agree with the others -you two are a bad fit. I never could have dated someone who didn't want kids or marriage and I never could have dated someone who insisted on home ownership without many many exceptions (I could buy a home today with cash most likely -this has been true for many years before I was married too but I have no desire to own a private home). I relocated out of the major city I grew up in -after 43 years straight -for his job -which we discussed when we got back together 7 or so years after cancelling our wedding. That I would relocate for him. We both wanted eventual marriage and family and had either of us reneged on that -dealbreaker (of course we were older so family - adoption/try for baby, etc). All the decisions we made when we got back together -and were long distance too! - were made with each other in mind - I mean the big decisions of course as you mention. I don't drive either. I finally got my license at age 49. I have driven on highways with a driving instructor. If I ever do go back to driving (I did some for about 3 years after I got my license -rarely alone in the car, never on a highway) it won't be on a highway. Again we have discussed this (and my son is about to get his permit!). You two have too many divergent goals. Also you don't seem to want to be a future stepparent as far as how you refer to her son. That's another "flag" for her to consider. You realized when you started out that the odds were stacked against you. For me when I was 39 and we got back together I made darn sure that -no guarantees -but that we were entirely on the same wavelength. Also to me it's not enough to want marriage and family "at your core" as you put it-- you are grasping at straws as to her "wants" with you. if you don't express it with enthusiasm in general and with your partner who cares if buried deep down you want it- so much of marriage and parenthood is boots on the ground, daily life, nitty gritty and you have to want the joys, the challenges, the random bodily fluids and the unpredictable stuff and want it with that person -on the very very surface. Not just an abstract buried core -that's not enough IMO. Definitely make clear that home ownership is a must for you when you meet other people - it's not a given at all IMO and for many a poor choice or not a great choice. So if that's what you must have -that and no highway driving -make that clear. (Home ownership is likely more connected to highway driving I would think -I've always lived in major cities with public transportation and I walk everywhere).

Many congratulations and I'm so glad it worked out! I hope you have some time to yourself and time to celebrate!

Does he work? Does he control this at work? On an interview? When he is out to lunch with his grandma? Please.

I think he meant that sometimes if a woman is into a man rather than treat him like a buddy she'll sort of put him in his place, in a flirtatious way- draw attention to the flirting etc. I also know of many people who are friendly and pleasant and then -it's friendship caught on fire. However it happens a person who wants to date another person will respond with enthusiasm and either say yes or no -I am busy that day but I'd love to reschedule. Or suggest a specific day they are free. The only sign that someone wants to date you is if the person either asks for a date planned in advance or accepts an invitation with enthusiasm. There are no signs otherwise - some people like flirting and feel chemistry but don't want to date the person, some people are friendly like that in general and don't want to date, etc. Many reasons.

If it's that bad -how you interact - you need more than a mediator. I'd walk away. I don't think you're going to get past this or will "unhear" what he said no matter how much time passes. Especially since it was multiple comments.

I think it's individual. For me -yes, dealbreaker but I didn't tend to date the sort of men who would behave that way. Certainly moreso witih first meets where my sense of the person through the few messages and phone calls didn't match up with reality Here are some dealbreakers I had involving comments on a first meet or date or a second date. He bragged about threatening a stranger on a bus with physical violence who was rude to him and if I remember he did hit the guy. He told me his mother did "nothing!" as a SAHM -told me this twice. He told me his coworkers were really really dumb (months later he contacted me again on the same site- I told him why I had declined a second date - and he said his mother gave his father a second chance after a bad first date -but for me it was still a no go. He told me he wasn't dating anyone seriously but was having casual sex once a week or so with some gal he knew. He told me his doctor told him to stop smoking weed and he wasn't sure if he would. But these are individual to me -I didn't date men who smoked or used illegal drugs or drank a lot, I didn't date men who were comfortable with casual sex (as an adult -I didn't care much if during college they'd had their fun/gone through some sort of phase). Other women not only were fine with this but did the same so it would be a positive. I don't remember the ogling other women issue. From what Sindy described it would be a dealbreaker.

You've chosen not to accept -not "can't" - has he changed such that he never makes those sorts of comments or just not as often? Why does he need to talk to you about anything if it's not happening -what are the talks about -how do you show you are choosing not to trust him?

Yes- been there. And opposite -never imagined and -there was interest! Glad you tried - doesn't matter what co workers perceive -she is not interested in dating you and better to move on now so you don't waste time ruminating and you'll be open to someone enthusiastic about dating you!

I was copying what you wrote and agreeing with you. Sorry for the miscommunication. I'm glad! I reread what you wrote -were you being sarcastic? I missed that. I think not apologizing in the name of pride can be a sign of weakness- that is what I thought you meant -now I see you were saying what he would think? It was confusing to me.

What's wrong with a nice gesture -it's only one rose.

I liked gestures like that -one guy wo turned out to be a pathological liar -sigh - brought me a biscotti because I'd mentioned I liked a specific type. Another brought me a treat for the same reason. A single rose seems lovely to me.