Batya33

Yes- front lines means be proactive about meeting people and potentially dating. And just check yourself if you find yourself developing another crush on an unavailable person.

I hope you're doing better and glad to hear at least the pain was decreasing.

Completely agree and don't let yourself indulge in pretty words, multisyllabic verbiage, psychobabble. Get real, get simple. Simply put -chemistry isn't enough and I had to chuckle at how you justified her drug and alcohol use/abuse - lol everyone has intense emotions. And people who have emotional health issues have healthful options other than abusing drugs and alcohol - could be therapy, meds, talking to friends, self-help books that resonate, exercise - all of the above. She's drinking too much and smoking too much weed because .... she wants to! Get just that simple and distill what you wrote into - "we're intensely attracted to each other and we're a bad fit for dating or a relationship so I'll do the healthful and right thing (right as in ethical -she's involved with someone else and always has been) and make an exit and move on.

I completely agree and add on Bolt's input too. Congratulations!!

I’m just not sure why other than in specific situations it matters who is stronger. I’m no scientist. So in my pretty little head lol I assume men are physically stronger. But not like in a competitive way. Just more like a fact. In general. I’m not like I am woman hear me roar. I think I am stronger than my husband in certain ways - and he is stronger than me in others but I’m not limiting it to physical at all. Right now I think my back is stronger. Because I take care of myself a little better - stretching /types of exercise- but that’s because I injured my lower back during the pandemic because I worked out differently and wasn’t careful. So I paid for it and now I’m much more careful. He seems to have more weakness in his back so I guess I am stronger. He is stronger in math and science. I am stronger in multitasking especially in matters of parenting and we both think I am stronger in communicating to get what we are entitled to whether it’s a medical bill or a cable bill or an Amazon mess up or travel issues. And I don’t mean I am the B word lol but we know I likely should be the spouse who handles it while he handles the math stuff with our son ! It’s all good. Is any of it based on sexist assumptions? Yup. I bet it is. But it feels fair and works for us. However if he ogled a woman and justified it based on some stereotype or he objectified women - for me that would be a thousand times no. Maybe not for someone else. Open my pickle jar offer to hold the door offer to carry my heavy box and do so with some perhaps gendered “I am your man and I am stronger “ but not gonna hear “I am a man and men ogle women especially if we’re a bit bored. We can help it but it’s soooo hard. I’m trying to break the habit my sweet pea. “. No thanks. So Sindy I’d have done the same. Totally understand why someone else might feel differently. I am sorry you have dating fatigue!

Those are great things to do !

What are you doing to increase your interest in yourself as a person who is productive, does small and larger acts of kindness, and who has some goals for the future? What have you done today?

You're not trapped. Speak politely for a few minutes then say "lovely chatting with you -I should respond to this email -see you later!" Then look away.

Onwards and upwards!!

Yes, I would in a gentle, thoughtful way and also as part of the fun of looking at photos.

I would channel the assertiveness you rely on in other areas of life -like all the strides you are making in your career- applying to a fire department and going through that sort of training requires a lot of spunk! -use that into faking it till you make it - telling yourself you can do this -you can ask a woman out for a date you plan in advance. First I'd be in environments where people -preferably single people - hang out -not bars but activities -sports, hikes, salsa dance classes, volunteering backstage at a community theater, volunteering with children who live in a homeless shelter, etc. Where conversation is natural and people are basically sober and no cold approach needed. Ask your friends to set you up with appropriate ladies. Second once you're proactively out there if you strike up a conversation with a woman who seems interesting, ask her for her contact information or mention a festival you were thinking of attending -whatever -and invite her to join or simply say "I'd love to see you again - are you free this weekend (if it's at least a couple days in advance). I don't think your height and weight are relevant really - I preferred dating shorter men actually - your values and goals are relevant as are your healthy lifestyle habits. Being fit is a good thing of course. Sure it takes some courage -I asked a number of men out for dates and asked for first meets through dating sites too. I think dating sites are fine too - but I'd start with being out and about. To increase my chances of finding a husband -a good match for me -I moved 9 miles to be even more in the heart of the major city I grew up in -I was in my late 20s and fresh out of grad school -it helped my social life a great deal. In fact my future husband -who I met at work - ended up moving into that same location from a similar location shortly after we started dating (we didn't marry till much later but that's another story). I worked long hours -just as you likely will if you join a fire department - and being close to work -I walked -and close to all social activities helped a great deal. (And yes I agree about kids - have a 15 year old son who is not yet dating -he has time!)

Where is the issue -you don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. Therefore living with him is not fair to him because he expects you are living with him because you want to be in a romantic relationship with him. You can feel lost and sad and still do the right thing. Doing the right thing sometimes is very hard. First you tell him you are leaving and you make a plan to leave. You leave ASAP. While making this plan find a place to stay either back where you used to live or where you live now. Making friends and meeting people is a want not a need. You can work on that want once you do the right thing by your current partner. That's very secondary. If needed tell yourself you took this risk by moving far away to live with this man. I'm sorry you are feeling lost and confused. Ending a relationship is hard and emotional. But take the actions that reflect the values of being kind, thoughtful and doing the right thing. I hope you feel better soon.

I don't think it matters at all how much a person is interested in the person they are with as far as whether that person will ogle another person blatantly. If a person is not "that" into his or her date and didn't miss that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught, he or she will behave appropriately - and will not "wander" in that blatant way while with the other person and if they feel like it that much they'll end the date early. I was once (over 20 years ago) on a mediocre first meet at a cafe that was very popular for first meets. I noticed a man at another table checking me out- he was on a first meet or date. I didn't stare at him. Later he emailed me -said I'd contacted him on the dating site and he recognized me from the photos (I did not recognize him). He said he wasn't going to see his date again (and my date emailed me that he wasn't interested in me lol). So we went out a few times. I don't know -maybe I shouldn't have met a person who would be that rude and check out another woman but his reason was he was trying to figure out why I looked familiar (which I have done - a double take if someone looks familiar and I cannot place them). I don't think it's ever my job to hold someone's interest enough that they won't treat me disrespectfully.

I think people can change over time -someone who is that focused on looks and so selfish as to make those mean and nasty comments can change later in life - but not in this short period of time IMO and yes he thinks his exes were better looking -the only relevant change might be if he didn't care. There always will be people who marry or are committed to partners who are less attractive looking than someone from the past -a past spouse, a past relationship. But that person won't care (other than knowing, realistically that it's basically true) and therefore it will never come up especially not as a comparison. This person for example -if you age or your looks change might compare you unfavorably to the past "you" because he has shown you he is focused on looks. Will he make a comment -yes if he still cares that much and yes if he is still selfish in his behavior (and thoughtless). When I refer to change I mean a teenager/young adult might have made comments like that and later in life realized how shallow and thoughtless they were- not in this short period of time - I think he's changed as far as not wanting to lose you so he'll tamp down how he reacts but you're right that it might happen again at a "weak" moment. I don't think he's a good match for you.

I'm so sorry to hear this and I have heard often the flaring up can be out of nowhere -not related to what you've eaten or not eaten. I hope it gets better!!