Cherylyn

Pay attention to your instincts and intuition. Anytime you have doubts about a person no matter who they are, is a warning sign to beware and stay away. Far away. Some people will give you endless stress, grief, worries, misery, distrust and angst. I made the horrible mistake of taking some people back into my life just for them to deceive and betray me all over again. They caused me great, immeasurable pain. Live and learn the hard way. ☹️ Never allow history to repeat itself. If you want to be normal and happy, be like other normal, happy people meaning surround yourself with normal, happy, secure people. Never give yourself unnecessary, preventable stress. It took me many years to arrive to this conclusion. It was trial and error in the making. I wish I had known back then what I know now. I'm sure most people share the same sentiment.

A narcissist or those who lack empathy don't care how you feel, don't want to discuss what doesn't interest them, will always deny your feelings, deny that whatever happened didn't happen and will always manipulate you whether in person, verbally or in written form. It's all the same. The only time they're civil is when everything is in their favor as long as they're in control. There is a pecking order here and you're definitely not on the top. You're beneath your boyfriend or anyone who behaves selfishly. You have no status. Grow accustomed to being disrespected and treated as if you don't matter because this is how it is.☹️ Even though my story is not the same as yours, I too have been on the receiving end of the same mistreatment you are experiencing. Telling you to shut the _______ up is a way to shut you down and often times, it works. Suddenly, you know your place, you are defeated, you are inferior as he is superior to you. This is the game. Being held accountable and apologies will never be forthcoming in a million years. It's not his nature. Remember, no empathy means no empathy and often times it is the definition of a narcissist which btw, is not preening oneself in the mirror. I wish it were that easy but it is not. Far from it. Giving you the silent treatment and acting as if nothing happened at all is typical despicable behavior. You're expected to "play nice" all the while and pretend that everything is wonderful. 😒 You're expected to put up and shut up. Go along to get along. This is how a narcissist controls you. You either play this game and take his ______ repeatedly or dissolve and exit the relationship. Are you going to take ______ from him or anyone? Think again. I wouldn't if I were you. He accuses you of being sensitive. Educate yourself with this word: Gaslighting. Gaslighting is deflecting and manipulating the conversation so you are forced to question your perception of the facts and you are labeled as crazy. It's the oldest, nastiest, ugliest trick there is. Never fall prey to this evil mind game. 😡 Gaslighting is also telling you that you're not so perfect and everyone has foibles including you. Blah, blah, blah. Gaslighting is a way to control you and treat you in the most condescending manner. Lose all admiration and respect for a person who engages in gaslighting. They're not worth the dirt you stand on. Don't cry anymore. 😭 Shed your tears and think smart. 🫢 It will take you a few days to process this but change the way you think. If you want to win for yourself and treat yourself with dignity, then get out. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration. Any other way is: NO. No deal. If you start thinking you're the problem, he has won gaslighting you successfully. There is nothing wonderful about him because his badness is what makes you miserable and no one can be happy with a guy like that. No, he's not worth it. Leave. Dump the chump. He acts like an ___________. 😠 Strengthen your resolve by empowering yourself. Be in control of your own life. Never allow anyone to beat you down. Be kind and good to yourself. Rescue yourself and exit yourself from this very abusive relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect. Anything less than respect is INTOLERABLE AND UNACCEPTABLE.

Stop comparing your fiancee to your ex. If you have to ask here on this forum whether or not you should go through with marrying her, cancel the engagement. Do both of yourselves a favor and do a reset for yourself. It's not fair to your betrothed to be with a man who hasn't figured out if a future with her is solid or not. You're doubtful which is not a good sign. Better to tell your fiancee the truth so you can figure out what you want in your life and give her a chance to quit wasting her time and energy with a man who is uncertain about her and your future with her. Either you know without a doubt or you don't. Apparently, you are unsure so dissolve and exit the engagement so you can find yourself.

You need to change the way you think entirely. Don't be the type who argues, fights and gets angry. 😡 There is a way to disagree without highly charged emotions and outbursts. There is a way to remain calm and respectful even though there are issues. Whether it's important or not, express your feelings in a mature way for the best outcome. Don't be seen as a dominant man because most women don't want dominance. Most women wish to be treated with kindness, tenderness, gentleness, calmness, respect and consideration in mind. In other words, you have to put yourself aside, be unselfish and treat women (and people) how you would want to be treated. You can be assertive, have self confidence, high self esteem while possessing class. There is a way to hold yourself in a dignified manner and treat women with dignity as well. Try having aplomb and you will get there. You can exude confidence by carrying yourself with grace and resolve. This is how you develop emotional intelligence which is the definition of empathy. Don't be dominant with anyone committal or not. Be fair and kind. When you change your attitude and behavior, you will draw the type of woman who knows how to behave with honor as well. It works both ways. You ought to try it by changing your tack. The spark is kept alive when you sparkle and make yourself look more attractive. Women perceive your soul. Make a positive impression.

Thank you for your kind words @rainbowsandroses. You are appreciated. My condolences and I'm sorry about your beloved brother. 😢

Because they don't need commitment. They prefer freedom and independence to do as they will without any sort of pact as what is required with partners or spouses.

I'm sorry to tell you this but you'll never forget. Sure, you can move on but forget? Memories are here to stay and you cannot erase remembering the past. Give yourself time. It could take many months and years to heal. It takes lots of time to heal old wounds. Someday your current feelings will be a blur. Memories will fade and no longer be as vivid anymore. Continue preoccupying yourself with healthy distractions. I've found that whenever I'm hurting, I help those who are less fortunate in various capacities. Suddenly, the focus is no longer on me anymore nor some people from my past. Why does it take so long to forget? Because your achey feelings are still very raw and fresh; that's why. Another thing that helps is to think about anything you didn't like about the guy and then you'll feel relieved and grateful to have rid of him. Always remind yourself that certain people were not meant to remain permanent in your life. It could be personality and character differences, habits, anything that irritated you about him so on and so forth. Or, something that he did to you which wasn't acceptable nor tolerable for you. Those types of reminders reinforce why the relationship floundered.

@Single Guy Needs Help and @rainbowsandroses Go for it. See for yourself and good luck. You will find out for yourself as experience is your best teacher. 👍 😉

I respect your opinion, @rainbowsandroses and I too can say ^ ^ ^ ^ not necessarily either. I'm happy that you have great experiences with age differences. I was merely sharing what my parents and extended family's experiences were which wasn't rosy as the older spouse obviously aged faster with all sorts of debilitating ills which ailed them. I watched my poor mother carry the load for my devastatingly sick father and household while raising 3 children. She had to tough it out on her own and it was a very hard life. 😥 I felt sorry for my mother. Then there's my extended family member who initially had a good first few years with her husband and then it went all downhill from there to how it is today which is quite miserable to put it mildly. 🤬 It's not wonderful and unfortunately, whenever struggle and hardship strikes, suddenly a couple engages in cross words with one another. It isn't pretty and happens all too frequently. I too admire those who stick it out for better or for worse, in sickness and in health just like the pastor requested a couple to repeat their vows at the altar. While it all sounds so lovely, reality can be quite cruel. While it's a real testament and test of real love to the bitter end, not everyone is cut out for it. I admire those who promise for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health. It is ideal. However, not everyone can tolerate nor endure very heavy impositions and burdens thrust upon one individual. Outlook on the marriage isn't favorable. Bitterness and resentment sets in and former gushing over one another is history. This is what I had observed. It isn't enjoyable. Just know what you've signed up for, sweat and toil away later. Some people don't mind its grueling reality check while others prefer to avoid strife and difficulty by obviously marrying within their age bracket. To each his or her own. 😉 👍

I'm going on almost 10 years of NC with a person who wronged and tested me sorely. Pretty good, huh? 😉 It's definitely and adjustment to be sure. However, I've since grown accustomed to my autonomy, freedom, safe place and it's my new normal. I prefer to be with normal people. Anyone who is high maintenance is too much work for me. I'm exhausted. I want my life to get easier, not harder. Bad people are out ~ permanently. Best thing I'd ever done. 👍 ☺️

Either choose a different roommate or have an in depth discussion with your roommate and change chores. Since she's so particular about dishes, do another chore such as clean the apartment, laundry, errands or something like that. Do the opposite, wash big items by hand and put dishes, glassware, etc in the dishwasher. That's what I do at my house. As for the purse, tell her it's better for her to take her purse with her to the restroom so she can be responsible for her valuables and belongings. Since she's so critical regarding how you do chores, you have every right to be particular about how she does chores for both of you as well. Be fair.

Vows are beautiful at the altar. ⛪ If there's 10+ years age difference, just be prepared to eat your words later which isn't fun. I'm merely sharing what I've observed with my own parents, extended family members and what they went through. I've heard and seen it all. In the beginning, age difference doesn't matter. However, as years creep on by, age and inevitable age related maladies and illnesses catch up and the able bodied one is burdened with carrying the load for the two of them and the entire household; often times financially as well. Remain practical and pragmatic. Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. Reality sets in which is not a picnic. 🤨

I respect your opinion, too @rainbowsandroses. 73 is not far from 80's and beyond. 🥴 People seem to age at a faster clip from that point on if not sooner sometime during their 70's. In my neck of the woods, I've observed 10+ years age differences and at first, it's wonderful. My parents are 10+ years apart. My relative and husband are 10+ years apart. I've observed this transition with my own eyes. 👀 👁️👁️Then the inevitable sets in with illness, various geriatric ailments, slowing down, aches 'n pains, degenerative arthritis, increased immobility so on and so forth. Generally, the younger partner or spouse ends up burdened with the bulk of the work carrying the load for two people which can break anyone. Responsibilities for the younger person increases exponentially which isn't enjoyable. 😒 I'm all for happiness but one needs to think things through and envision the future. No one in their right mind enjoys the reality of impending old age, its debilitating health woes and usually the younger partner or spouse is saddled with this struggle, hardship and responsibility. If the younger person doesn't mind being in caretaker mode sooner than they'd like, go for it. If it's not the type of future this OP @Single Guy Needs Help wants, then think long and hard and possibly reconsider. Just keep in mind physical limitations and how life isn't always wonderful when faced with this reality check. 😕

Most of the time, it's wise to listen to your head because it's more practical long term. There are times when happiness is instant gratification but one doesn't look into the future and other problems which could unfold into a miserable situation. I've observed this impulsiveness with extended family members where a great experience was fleeting and then major problems arose later down the road which is currently extremely difficult to grapple with, tolerate and endure. ☹️ I vote for being realistic. As for the age difference, this happened to a relative. She married an older guy by 10 years, he obviously aged faster, currently not doing well to put it mildly and now she's the sole breadwinner, does the majority of parenting and has to take care of a sick guy for the remainder of her marriage. This is not what she originally signed up for. She did not see this coming when she was young and starry eyed once upon a time. Naivete doesn't pay. 😢 Just be prepared for these scenarios should you follow your heart instead of your head. 🫢 🙄 🤨

Don't read too much into it meaning don't over analyze. Just have a good time. When you engage in a conversation, be pleasant without suspecting double meanings. If you continue this habit, take a break from dating otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time, energy and resources.