Batya33

Love talking about books! Just finished Midnight Library -you might like it!

Yes I think it's a bad idea to define it as any sort of "stage" of dating -because it leads to expectations and rules and who should initiate - some people like to talk to talk, some people like to flirt to flirt, some people ask out right away some don't -there's no stage IMO. And it also leads people to feel bad about themselves like the OP -a man talking to a woman means nothing as far as interest in dating. A person is interested in dating another person when that person either asks the person for a date or accepts a date invitation enthusiastically. The OP is even bemoaning that other women she knows are "talking" to men. To me the downsides of defining even more pre-dating activity as some sort of stage is obvious. When I contacted or was contacted by men through dating sites the only reason for the contact was to see if we should meet in person to see if we should go on a date. I had no "talking stage" even then nor would I have been up for any "talking stage" with a stranger. The reason for talking before meeting was to see if we had enough in common to meet in person for hopefully a pleasant, fun convo for about an hour or so then see if we should go on a real date. Optimally that meant exchanging one or two messages, one phone call, meeting within the week. I met men everywhere -at work, at the gym, at volunteer work, at singles events in my apartment building. I talked to many men and flirted with many men. Some wanted to date me and some didn't -I wanted to date some of them and some I didn't. Sometimes it was one and done convo, sometimes there were more conversations, sometimes flirting sometimes not. I never let myself have expectations that a man I wanted to date wanted to date me because he was flirting with me -had I told myself oh cool this is the talking stage -he's flirting -he's going to ask me out or he'll of course agree if I ask him -that would be setting myself up for unrealistic expectations as if it was a done deal. To me there's no sign to read that is interest in dating other than the person asks you out/agrees with enthusiasm to go out with you. Much better IMO for developing the thick skin that is so often needed in the front lines of dating.

She seems to want a specific kind of male attention from specific males. In the 1990s one of my coworkers- very beautiful looking and a great person- told me this story-she was shopping with her mother at a department store. Her mother said - you keep looking down and you do not realize how many men are noticing you! My friend was very tall if that matters. So my friend said - she took her mother's advice -started looking up more. One day a man across the street from where she was walking sort of waved and said hi. Somehow someone crossed over to the other side -she thought he seemed/looked nice. They got married a few years later (hopefully they still are!)

When you say you are "honest" with these women before meeting them do you mean you share a lot of personal stuff about your past -and what is it that you choose to share early on?

Way too much drama for only one month of dating and way too much analysis/playing at therapist. I'd move on.

Definitely -I never actually have but so many of my friends have and do!

What the heck is a "talking stage"? Also why do you care who initiates and if your purpose in dating is finding a potential match for the long term who cares if men who won't be a good fit for you notice you or not? If you're interested in flirting and then dating casually that's a bit different -then I can see why you're so needy for being flattered/ego stroking but otherwise who cares who starts a conversation first? I get that many women prefer the man to do the asking out for the first couple dates or the first date -I sure did - but there is no talking stage - it's not a stage. Two people who have a conversation might decide to then go on a date. Two people who flirt might decide to go on a date. The way I upped the chances of that happening especially at your age was by being out there and proactive in environments where single people -or people who could introduce me to suitable single people-were likely to be. I did get my share of attention from men and in some cases part of that was because I looked attractive but only a small part -I carried myself with confidence (particularly important since I am 5"2), I started conversations with people especially where it was normal to do so (and sometimes where it wasn't lol -I was socially pretty bold and extroverted!), I asked friends and coworkers to set me up with suitable guys and I returned the favor -and still do (I am 57, been setting people up on dates for over 40 years) - I took an interest in people in general - made people feel comfortable in their own skin - because I like doing that, it feels good - just standing there looking all pretty is kind of -self-absorbed IMHO. What do you bring to the table except thinking you are a 7? Do you do any volunteer work? Do you belong to any activities where people meet -any professional networking groups, a book club, a gym, a hiking or biking group? Why do you want to be "hit on?" How about instead being in an environment where you talk with people especially related to why you are there (i.e. not a bar as a steady thing) - and come to a mutual sense that you'd like to meet again one on one including maybe for a date? No "stage" needed - "talking" is simply two people flirting perhaps sussing out whether there is interest before asking the person out on a date -it's not a stage because in some cases two friends are platonic for years and "talk" and then poof it's friendship caught on fire and in other cases they meet, click and one asks the other out. Typically if there's some sort of "talking" stage it's because one person is more interested in flirting than actually dating or can't be bothered to put in the effort to plan a proper date in advance. I approached my future husband first. Crossed a crowded room at a work breakfast for new employees. HIs first day, my 42nd. I knew he knew no one and was very shy. No flirting and he asked me out first 8-9 months later. We got married 14 years and 5 weeks after meeting that day but that's another story I've written about separately. Had I not crossed the room it's likely we'd never have met or met in any meaningful way for him to ask me out.

I wouldn't have for a hangover unless she told me someone forced her to drink/put something in a drink. I wouldn't have needed or wanted to show concern for someone who made a poor choice involving getting drunk especially knowing we had a plan. If she shared she was an alcoholic I would have showed concern and moved on from being involved in a dating context. I once had a work deadline where my coworker- junior to me -had to come in on a Sunday as I did to put in a full days work. She didn't look well and I showed concern and asked if she needed anything. She glibly told me she had a hangover, I was done trusting that coworker to show up reliably ready to work -our work was very detail oriented and time sensitive. She obviously didn't care enough about her work, the project or being part of a team. It's a lack of respect, it's thoughtlessness and -no -I'm not going to show concern for someone who deliberately harms themselves with alcohol in that situation even if we'd had a good time in the past or I saw potential for a friendship or dating situation. For sure some people prioritize that initial chemistry or clicking over the person's values, respect for them, etc - and that might work out fine for a fling - then it's less of an issue because it's not for long term purposes.

Same -also if I had to teach an adult basic manners or why it was disrespectful to cancel last minute/show up very late without an emergency - that was a dealbreaker for dating with potential for a serious relationship and if it was someone I was getting to know as a friend I then had boundaries as far as not risking my sparse free time making plans again to meet in person - I'd limit it to a group situation, a situation where I had to be there anyway, etc.

One of my relatives lost his wife to Alzheimers when he was close to 80 and she in her 70s. His son introduced his dad to a woman they knew from their community who was probably 20 years younger. They fell madly in love -it was amazing to hear about. They were married about 10 years -he developed alzheimers at the end. She's written with love and fondness about their time together. When I was in my 30s/40s I likely would have avoided dating a man that much older as with the OP for the practical reason that I wanted the opportunity to have a family and the risks and downsides of starting a family with a man then in his 60s would have given me pause. As older parents (42 when son was born) we experienced how hard it was to care for our aging parents while being newlywed parents of a newborn.

Wow I had no idea about the film!

I did that once on FB by mistake and walked away and completely and unintentionally offended someone -no it was not a post that was sad -she thought I was laughing at her. I apologized - it was a matter of minutes.

You can't get rid of feelings. But you can come up with tools to distract and redirect. When -routinely- those feelings don't trigger you to then focus on your ex - they will eventually fade to the periphery with nothing to fuel the fire. Long ago someone suggested this - get a stack of index cards -on each one write something negative about how he treated you, some annoying habit he had, and flip through them when you start feeling nostalgic or missing him. Please stop pressuring yourself to stop feeling a certain way and instead come up with ways to react so that the feelings are not the focal point of your life at that moment. Everyone has a different timeline with these situations.

Sometimes I remind myself when I ruminate over stuff at work that I’m not getting paid for it so I can move on. I haven’t worked set hours in many years. For 15 years I was basically on call 24/7. But I was paid very well for it and no one forced me to take that sort of job. I did it for the many benefits it reaped even now years later. Hopefully you’ll know quickly if this new person is going to stay and or work out. .

I think a person who enjoys multiple partners and casual sex would jump at this. Nothing to do with gender. If he first broke up then gave that reason that makes little sense to me -why not give her the chance to say -yes, me too. Maybe he simply changed his mind and realized he wanted to be exclusive.