Why am I a failure at Dating

[VXR876]

Hi guys and girls 

I'm Nick 48 England Uk 

this is probably going to sound like a moan and groan, unfortunately it the type we all like ... Anyway, I've been single 5 years, been on 10 dates in that time and only gotten past date one, once ... 

I find I have to be truthfully and honest because no one likes starting things off on a lie or a twisted truth ... 3 of my dates who I got on extremely well on text and phone calls prior to a date have told me that im a really great guy who will make any woman happy ( obviously not her though ) 2 other said the date felt more like a counselling session, 3 were catfish and / or married, 1 said I could've been her ex's twin with my mannerisms and looks and she couldn't past that and the last decided to take advice from her son claiming that the texting was too intense.... Now I understand that we aren't gonna please everyone and we aren't all compatible... But come on .. people my age have a past, why should that be a red flag ... 

 

Anyway, I'm rambling so any advice, suggestions or piss takes are more than welcome and if you can direct message I'm more than happy to receive them 

[Batya33]

When you say you are "honest" with these women before meeting them do you mean you share a lot of personal stuff about your past -and what is it that you choose to share early on?

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, VXR876 said:

I find I have to be truthfully and honest because no one likes starting things off on a lie or a twisted truth...

...  2 other said the date felt more like a counselling session

... But come on .. people my age have a past, why should that be a red flag ... 

This sounds like something you've posted before.

When what you are doing isn't working, it makes no sense to keep doing it.

A first date, or any date really, is not the time to dump all your stuff on somebody. The two dates who called it a counseling session were likely dead-on. Take that emotional dump to a counselor for feedback and advice on what content is reasonable to raise on a brand new date versus what is better to leave for the future, AFTER you've cultivated enough intimacy with a person to gain their investment in hearing it.

People date to find good companions and lovers, not to play therapist with a stranger.

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, VXR876 said:

3 of my dates who I got on extremely well on text and phone calls prior to a date have told me that im a really great guy who will make any woman happy ( obviously not her though ) 2 other said the date felt more like a counselling session, 3 were catfish and / or married, 1 said I could've been her ex's twin with my mannerisms and looks and she couldn't past that and the last decided to take advice from her son claiming that the texting was too intense.

Three that were catfish/married clearly wasn't anything you did. Be glad you got away and don't give them a second thought.

Three that sad you were a great guy was most likely just a case of things not working out. Realistically, you are going to truly connect with very few people. If you choose to date in this manner, odds are you will find more misses then hits. That's not something to be fustrated and may have nothing to do with you. It's simply how things work.

The twin one - again, not something you can control.

As for the other three, how truthful and honest are you being? Are you unloading your entire history and backstory at once? If so, that would be a lot for a person to take in and is likely to push them away. It would be intense and would seem like a counseling session. The person is not applying to me a therapist that wants to know everything about you. They are trying to get to know someone naturally and have fun together.

You are not a failure Ten dates is more then some people get. I just think you could benefit from slowing down and taking things as they come. Topics will naturally come up in the course of conversation. When they do, answer honestly. But it's not a lie to hold off on a subject or want until you are both more comfortable. The goal is to get to a second date, and when you do, you still want to have something to talk about. If you're letting everything out at the start, you're not leaving anything for the future.

[Kwothe28]

20 hours ago, VXR876 said:

3 of my dates who I got on extremely well on text and phone calls prior to a date have told me that im a really great guy who will make any woman happy

Friendzoned. Not entirely your fault but could be if you havent asserted yourself more as a boyfriend material.

20 hours ago, VXR876 said:

2 other said the date felt more like a counselling session,

That is kinda concerning since it indicates that you either

a) complained way too much

b) asked too many questions

You will have to dial back on that

20 hours ago, VXR876 said:

3 were catfish and / or married

Eh it happens. “Catfish” like they didnt look like on their pic or “catfish” like they were a man?

20 hours ago, VXR876 said:

1 said I could've been her ex's twin with my mannerisms and looks

You should have said “It aint my fault you are still hang out on him”. Joking lol

20 hours ago, VXR876 said:

and the last decided to take advice from her son claiming that the texting was too intense

And you didnt said “You are a grown women and still listen to your kids like they are parents?”. Still joking lol

I dunno, aside if maybe some behavior you could correct, it looks like an average dating experience. Some catfish, some “my kids are my world”, some “omg my ex this and that”, some friendzone etc. You do get dates at the end of the day. So, just carry on.

[catfeeder]

I agree with @ShySoul and @Kwothe28 that of your 10, your sample is representative of what most people need to sift through--except for the 'therapist' complaints. On those I refer back to my post above about not confusing a date with a confessional from you or an interrogation of them. Gently inquire about what they are looking for in dating, offer a short capsulation of what you are seeking in dating, and if these match, just relax over the course to allow conversation to unfold. Learn whether the two of you sync in other ways, such as a sense of humor about life.

Most people are NOT our match. Those are natural odds. If you've been able to land 10 dates, then you can land 10 more. And more, taking rests from dating any time this exhausts you, or running ahead full steam ahead if it does not.

While one goal of dating is to screen out bad matches, of which most will turn out to be, yet another goal is to build your resilience and enjoy meeting strangers just for the sake of enjoying human-to-human learning at face value. Each is not a 'test' of your value--that's intrinsic to you, and it's unique. The only test is whether each stranger matches not only compatibility with you, but whether you share simpatico. And THAT is rare. And it's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Each is not a 'test' of your value--that's intrinsic to you, and it's unique. The only test is whether each stranger matches not only compatibility with you, but whether you share simpatico. And THAT is rare. And it's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Worth repeating. How many dates you get or how far those dates go doesn't define a person or say anything about their worth. The only person who should define what value we have, is ourselves. 

And when you do find love, it won't matter how many dates you went on or how "successful" you were. All that matters is that connection with the right person.

[Andrina]

It does take a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure. 2 dates a year hasn't been enough to meet your goal of finding a partner. You'll have to up your proactivity in meeting single women in your age group. I did OLD after my first marriage ended and it took going on dates with 30 men over a period of 2 and a half years to find my future husband. I found him on OLD, but had also briefly dated one man from an East Coast Swing Dance venue. There are so many varieties of dance venues out there to take lessons which are often followed by a dance. Salsa, tango, swing, ballroom. That's sometimes a good way to meet women.

I'd also tried Meetup.com groups for singles in my age group before I met my husband. I enjoyed those outings and though I didn't meet anyone of romantic interest at them, I enjoyed the company, both male and female, and knew that you never knew who would choose to attend in the future, with new members always joining. It's less stressful to gradually get to know someone than on OLD.

But it is always smart to improve your own behavior if you've been given feedback. Maybe your texting was in fact too much. Maybe you have emotional baggage that you vent about. If so, those are things you can choose to avoid. Also, if you have any female friends/relatives, ask them if you need a makeover for hair and clothing and let them make recommendations.

If you might be too full-on, getting too excited when you meet someone you spark with, to tone that down, have the mindset that you're just going to enjoy a coffee or a meal with a woman with the goal of fun, interesting conversation. Do not project to the future, imagining she is "the one." Take it as a one-day-at-a-time thing, and let time reveal all. Keep the topics as safe ones such as careers, pets, siblings, types of music, books, movies you like.

I wouldn't get into past relationship history and what the person is looking for in dating unless it gets to the 3rd date. As for you, if you'd had major trauma from past relationships, just be brief and keep it in more general terms, i.e., My longest relationship lasted X years. We grew apart and realized we were incompatible. Or: She cheated and that's something I won't tolerate, so I'm now looking forward to finding someone to spend the next chapter of my life with.

You might also try volunteering in something you can be passionate about. I know of two who met volunteering at the zoo. 

I wish you good luck in your search.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

...if you have any female friends/relatives, ask them if you need a makeover for hair and clothing and let them make recommendations.

Great idea. Or, if you don't have women or stylish friends to ask, you can search for videos by style influencers, or you can spring for an appointment with an upscale cut and color stylist for hair, and while they're working on you, try asking for their opinions on skin care, clothing, shoes and accessories--and you can even ask where they shop and who they consult for these things.

This doesn't mean you'd need to entirely alter your budget for hair care going forward. Often a good cut can be maintained for a time by a regular barber once you've found a great style. However, in time you may want to return to the original stylist to lay back down those original lines or update to another style. Color, such as highlights, can take a few cuts to grow out before returning to reapply them--so you can stagger the budget-busting work to every third cut or so.

[Brittany613]

Take some time to reflect on your dating experiences. Is there a common theme or feedback you've received? Sometimes, a bit of introspection can help you identify areas where you might improve or adjust your approach. For instance, if several people felt the date was like a counseling session, maybe consider how you can make the conversation lighter and more balanced.

While being communicative is good, sometimes pacing can be key. If someone mentioned that texting was too intense, maybe try to moderate the frequency and depth of your messages. Allow the conversation to develop naturally over time rather than front-loading too much information. 

[EtrnalOptimist]

Like most things, OLD works if you work it. You need to work on your profile*, your photos, your screening, your approach when making the first contact. Assuming all that is as good as you can get it, and your percentages may vary, but the ones I list below were pretty accurate;

If 40% of online female profiles that you read are suitable, and 40% of those that you contact reply, and 40% of those lead to an ongoing discussion and 40% of those  lead to dates, and 20% of those (if you're lucky) lead to a relationship, you need to review at least 200 profiles. If you treat it as a job, it won't work. Have fun with it. Some people do it last thing at night; make it a goal to review as many profiles as it takes to send at least one message. You build momentum and it does pay off.

For what it's worth, I'm also in the UK and a similar age to you. I'd had some "interesting" dates but never a bad one. Not because my expectations were low (though it helps you don't set them too high ahead of the first date!), but also how you screen the prospective dates and the fact you should move to phone conversations as soon as possible. Worst case, a date is a couple of hours of your life having a drink / dinner in the company of someone new.

Remember the salesmen line "Some will, some won't. Who cares? Next!". Stick at it. It's worth it. Good luck!

 

* do NOT go on an OLD seminar; they'll sell you worthless cr@p about how your username is all-important and how much to delay between 1st & 2nd contact, etc. There are plenty of great pointers online and you can always look at other profiles of men in your age-bracket for ideas.

[ShySoul]

On 6/14/2024 at 4:38 AM, EtrnalOptimist said:

If 40% of online female profiles that you read are suitable, and 40% of those that you contact reply, and 40% of those lead to an ongoing discussion and 40% of those  lead to dates, and 20% of those (if you're lucky) lead to a relationship, you need to review at least 200 profiles.

Who has time to review 200 profiles? When did finding someone require all these calculations? I can't see myself shifting through profile after profile knowing that most are likely to go nowhere when I could be doing just about anything else. That time could be invested in things that I know will make me happy and feel better about myself. I could use it to take up a new hobby where I see the possible tangible results or pick up a new skill that will be useful to me in general. And I can still meet people through the course of everyday life. 

The universe puts opportunites in our path everyday. The key is to seize those opportunites when they present itself.  I've been able to find women that loved me without needing a single profile, going out of my way, or going on a single date. I just had to live my life and be me.

Know who you are and find what works for you.

[EtrnalOptimist]

Like anything, it works if you work it. It sounds to me like you're not sure whether you want OLD but you're certainly not prepared to put the effort in. Is it any wonder it hasn't worked?

It's obvious OLD is not for you. That's great. It's not for everyone. But don't blame the tool.

 

[AndyPandy]

On 6/16/2024 at 12:35 AM, ShySoul said:

Who has time to review 200 profiles? When did finding someone require all these calculations?

You have people who insist that this is the only way you can meet anyone nowadays. It's not and I've had much better success finding people through the conventional methods of interacting and using my social skills.

On 6/16/2024 at 12:35 AM, ShySoul said:

That time could be invested in things that I know will make me happy and feel better about myself. I could use it to take up a new hobby where I see the possible tangible results or pick up a new skill that will be useful to me in general. And I can still meet people through the course of everyday life.

This has also been my experience too.

On 6/16/2024 at 12:35 AM, ShySoul said:

The universe puts opportunites in our path everyday. The key is to seize those opportunites when they present itself.  I've been able to find women that loved me without needing a single profile, going out of my way, or going on a single date. I just had to live my life and be me.

Agreed. I've met women in a variety of situations that range from travelling on public transport, walking through my neighbourhood, sharing a smile in a pub, general socialising, attending community meetings and on one occasion, answering a random knock on the front door. My social skills were all I needed and the willingness to be bold.

I look back at those episodes with pride in myself and much greater fondness than the soulless activity of swiping left or right through profiles or sending messages from which only a minority will yield even a reply. That's without even discussing the quality of people you'll encounter - usually far worse than what I'd meet through other avenues. Online dating is a haven for the dreadful and that applies to both genders.

On 6/16/2024 at 12:35 AM, ShySoul said:

Know who you are and find what works for you.

Absolutely.

[ShySoul]

32 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

Agreed. I've met women in a variety of situations that range from travelling on public transport, walking through my neighbourhood, sharing a smile in a pub, general socialising, attending community meetings and on one occasion, answering a random knock on the front door.

Why do I feel like some of those could lead to very interesting/amusing stories? And how come all my years of public transport and neighborhood walks haven't introduced me to more then the occasional person with a screw lose? You'd think I'd run into at least one eligible bacholerette. 😉

Nothing against online dating. I've meet people through chat rooms and message boards. My brother met his wife playing online games and they are still together after 23 years. But it's just one of many methods. Do whatever is right for you.

1 hour ago, AndyPandy said:

You have people who insist that this is the only way you can meet anyone nowadays. It's not and I've had much better success finding people through the conventional methods of interacting and using my social skills.

Apparently we're not the only ones feeling like this. Just saw this article on the growing issues people are having with apps.

https://www.thestar.com/life/relationships/i-don-t-want-this-anymore-the-dating-app-backlash-is-here/article_872f6816-2cee-11ef-b7c0-5ff940849523.html

[AndyPandy]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Why do I feel like some of those could lead to very interesting/amusing stories?

Ask away! 😁

6 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

And how come all my years of public transport and neighborhood walks haven't introduced me to more then the occasional person with a screw lose? You'd think I'd run into at least one eligible bacholerette. 😉

I suppose some of it depends on where you're located. One of my longest and most tempestuous relationships began with someone that I got talking to at a local bus stop several mornings in a row.

Maybe it might start happening now - but I accept no responsibility if things go wrong. 😂

9 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Nothing against online dating. I've meet people through chat rooms and message boards. My brother met his wife playing online games and they are still together after 23 years. But it's just one of many methods. Do whatever is right for you.

Of course. I met one of my best friends via a chat room and we've known each other now for 19 years. Gosh, that's a long time. My issue with people who push others into viewing OLD as the only route to meet others nowadays when that's really not the case.

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Apparently we're not the only ones feeling like this. Just saw this article on the growing issues people are having with apps.

https://www.thestar.com/life/relationships/i-don-t-want-this-anymore-the-dating-app-backlash-is-here/article_872f6816-2cee-11ef-b7c0-5ff940849523.html

That's very interesting. Thanks for sharing!

[ShySoul]

17 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

Maybe it might start happening now - but I accept no responsibility if things go wrong.

Guess I'll have no one to blame but myself. Or I'll just blame the universe. I have a very mixed relationship with the universe.It's a neverending tug of war. 😁

Now that I think about it, I did end up talking to one girl I saw on the bus regularly. Didn't lead to anything of course. And there was the neighbor who left I note on my door saying she thought I was cute. But I'd rather forget about that one. Third time has to be the charm, right?

23 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

Of course. I met one of my best friends via a chat room and we've known each other now for 19 years. Gosh, that's a long time. My issue with people who push others into viewing OLD as the only route to meet others nowadays when that's really not the case.

Met my best friend online and we've known each 19 years as well. Time really flies. Agreed, it's clearly not the only way. 

And I find it ironic and amusing that the acronym for something modern like online dating is OLD. I think I'll stick to the orginally old fashioned.