Difficult Love: When Keeping It Real Hurts

Love is perhaps the most powerful emotion, to the point where we call it a “drug” and its influence on biography, literature, and social narratives can't be overstated. In platonic love there are often scenarios where the object of one's affections simply doesn't feel the same way back. It's an unfortunate eventuality that occurs every day, but it doesn't make the feeling any less crushing.

Entering a relationship with someone who already has a partner, rendering yourself secondary in their lives, is a situation known for being difficult for all involved. The reality is being friends with someone that you have deeper feelings for is often complicated by the fact that they’re in a relationship and off-limits. So how do you reconcile the two?

First and foremost, if you truly care about them, then maintaining their relationship should be paramount. Honesty and open communication are huge factors in this scenario; even unconditional love shouldn't mean having to opt into secrecy and dishonesty. You deserve to express your feelings and thoughts openly and honestly, while also recognizing the boundaries of their current relationship. Keeping true to yourself will be your main source of strength.

If possible, you should try not to think of your feelings as a competition between you and their significant other, as those kinds of comparisons aren't real or helpful. Don't take the easy route of putting down the other person and trying to build yourself up; it's not only inimical but also presents a false light of comparison between you and them. It's more productive to remember that your real focus should be on the friend that you already have and why you value them. Chance encounters don't define people’s qualities, it's their actions over time that characterize them, which is why it's important to cherish the positive moments that you have together.

It's tempting to foolishly cling onto hope that your friend might change their mind about wanting to be with you, but depending on the circumstances, if it's true that they can't, you need to respect that. It's infinitely better to be a good friend than to be ignored. Pining for something that isn't within reach can cause a lot of pain and misery, and it's better to talk through those feelings so you can move forward and find more meaningful connections elsewhere.

Above all, although it easier said than done, give it time. Remember, time and true friendship can heal wounds and if your friendship does survive and thrive, this might just be the beginning of an even stronger bond, one where decisions can be free from undulating romantic upheavals. Allowing yourself to accept this kind of difficult love is often the single greatest act of bravery and selflessness that anyone can perform.