Am I dating a narcissist?

[Paul78]

So, i am 44 male, my partner of 16 months is a 41 female. The last 4 months with her have been a living hell. We do not live together. We see each other at weekends only, but not every weekend, but most weekends. She will sometimes come to mine, but more often I get the impression she cant be bothered making the effort to come to mine so I end up mainly at hers. Neither of us have children.

When I say things have been a living hell, let me explain. She has been finding any excuse to argue with me, like literally ANYTHING! It can be somthing as silly as me coughing, the way I close a door, even if i decide to do jobs or chores around her house that she needs doing, she will find a way to argue with me over it. I decided to wash her car recently because it was filthy and she started an argument with me over it. When i calmly explained I was just trying to help she replied "well i never asked you to do it DID I?"

For a while I have been ignoring the way she talks to me and argues at me, but recently I fought back, and she did not like it one bit. I get the blame for all the wrong decisions she makes even when im not even involved. I called her out about her behaviour towards me recently and it was all turned back onto me by her saying "im the way I am because you make me this way". 

I have not seen my partner for nearly 5 weeks now as I feel like we have both needed time apart. During this time we have had whatsapp contact only and during this time she has been very hostile towards me. I have explained that I would like to talk calmly and try to resolve this but she either ignores me or just has another go at me.

Last weekend she said she had a very important work assingment to complete so she needed some space and time to complete it. This is no problem, I told her that I will not contact her while she completes her assingment and that she should feel free to contact me when shes ready. On the Sunday evening she messaged me a very hostile message asking why I had not been contacting her over the weekend. Then she continued to say that its because I dont care, that I never message her. I was in disbelif and i still am. I referred her back to her message that she needed space and time to complete her work and i showed her my message saying she was welcome to message me when shes ready to. I then got ignored. 

I have been giving no contact to her for a few days during our space apart and she will have a massive attack on me saying I never message her, but then when I do message her her replies are one or two words, like she doesnt want to talk. Its like I cant satisfy her?! Whenever I do send her a message she often will not reply to it for at least 15 hours or even more, yet if i dont reply to her message within 1-2 hours she goes mad at me. 

It seems whenever I produce facts to her about her bad behaviour towards me she starts to ghost me or go on the attack at me. She is the master of not accepting responsibility of any wrong doing, but flipping it back onto me. 

Last year her own sister has told me shes convinced shes a narcissist. I never really knew what one was until researching recently, and I think her sister could be right. 

For a long time I have ignored her bad behaviour towards me but recently I feel enough is enough. I have tried to talk to her calmly about it but its like adding gasoline to a fire. It feels like she prefers to have the problem than find a solution. 

She is the master of coming up with excuses or simply down right ignoring any questions I ask. We have not shared a bed nor been sexually active together for over for 8 months. Whenever I stay at hers she wont sleep in the same bed as me and she says its because her mattress is uncomfortable, yet during the week when im not there she sleeps in that bed?!

Im sure there its lots more ive missed out but ive tried to keep this post as short as possible. I do feel like im in a prison with her. I know I should walk away but I like to try and work at things before throwing in the towel. 

I just cant understand her behavior towards me and im here to try and understand it more.  

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Paul78 said:

I know I should walk away but I like to try and work at things before throwing in the towel.

You have tried, though. 

She is not willing to meet you half-way and your efforts have been refused. It is unclear what you are still doing there. It's time to end it and have a bit more self-respect, man. 

[sunday_luthier]

Have we been dating the same woman? 

You can read my story 

It has taken me almost 3 years to realise that my relationship was completely bonkers, event though close friends and the helpful people on this forum were trying to pry my eyes open.

All I can say is what I was told.  Narcissist or not, you need to get the hell out of there.

[Kwothe28]

It depends. Sadly, lots of people just are selfish and egotistical. Doesnt mean they have a narcissistic personality disorder.

For example, does she have illusions of grandeur? Meaning does she give herself too much importance? Does she have a sense of entitlement over others? Does she have a need for admiration or manipulative behavior? Does she have empathy at all?

Those are all very important signs of spotting a narcissist.

[Paul78]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

It depends. Sadly, lots of people just are selfish and egotistical. Doesnt mean they have a narcissistic personality disorder.

For example, does she have illusions of grandeur? Meaning does she give herself too much importance? Does she have a sense of entitlement over others? Does she have a need for admiration or manipulative behavior? Does she have empathy at all?

Those are all very important signs of spotting a narcissist.

I just find her behavior towards me extremely odd. She NEVER asks how my day was, she never asks me anything come to think about it. She never asks how my mother is, or what i do in my time when im not with her. I got a new job in September last year. I purposefully didn't tell her what the job was to see if she would ask me anything - she never asked anything about it. So to this day she still has no idea what I do for a living!!!!!! I get the impression she is not even interested, in anything.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Paul78 said:

So to this day she still has no idea what I do for a living!!!!!!

Why are you with someone like this?

Forget about diagnosing her. Focus on figuring out your own issues. You've got something inside you that needs addressing if you are still dating a person displaying such significant red flags.

Are you lonely? Do you suffer from poor self-esteem?  

[Paul78]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why are you with someone like this?

Forget about diagnosing her. Focus on figuring out your own issues. You've got something inside you that needs addressing if you are still dating a person displaying such significant red flags.

Are you lonely? Do you suffer from poor self-esteem?  

you are totally correct. Perhaps i do? I am questioning myself i must admit. I guess I always try to see the good in someone, especially when, for a short period of time the relationship was great, so i guess I cling onto the hope that those days will return. I feel like ive been molded by her this way. Some may call me a mug. 

[Kwothe28]

6 minutes ago, Paul78 said:

I get the impression she is not even interested, in anything.

But again, that could be because she really isnt that interested. Just because she doesnt care or makes an effort doesnt mean its narcissistic personality disorder. It just can be that she is a bad partner. 

For example what sticks out to me from original message is that you see each other every weekend. Which is not unusual, but it seems more like convenience when after a year you just see casually on the weekends. No plans for future, not mentioning children(maybe you both or one of you has one, you didnt mention) nore anything. It just seems to me that she is more interested into having somebody then into actually being with somebody.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Paul78 said:

Some may call me a mug. 

No, but you need to work more on yourself than figuring her out. 

A person with a healthy sense of self-worth would have gotten rid of her by now. You need to get to the bottom of why you haven't. She didn't mold you this way. 

[Paul78]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But again, that could be because she really isnt that interested. Just because she doesnt care or makes an effort doesnt mean its narcissistic personality disorder. It just can be that she is a bad partner. 

For example what sticks out to me from original message is that you see each other every weekend. Which is not unusual, but it seems more like convenience when after a year you just see casually on the weekends. No plans for future, not mentioning children(maybe you both or one of you has one, you didnt mention) nore anything. It just seems to me that she is more interested into having somebody then into actually being with somebody.

I did mention that neither of us has children. 

It just all feels very stale. I feel like her punching bag. Her communication with me is terrible. She never makes anything clear, she never answers any questions or concerns I have. Its just so frustrating. 

I think the writing is on the wall.

 

[Paul78]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, but you need to work more on yourself than figuring her out. 

A person with a healthy sense of self-worth would have gotten rid of her by now. You need to get to the bottom of why you haven't. She didn't mold you this way. 

I agree with you.

[Kwothe28]

3 minutes ago, Paul78 said:

I did mention that neither of us has children. 

It just all feels very stale. I feel like her punching bag. Her communication with me is terrible. She never makes anything clear, she never answers any questions

Ah, OK.

But again, that is just a bad partner overall. And somebody that you shouldnt be in general. Just dont be with somebody like that. Now or in the future. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Paul78 said:

I just find her behavior towards me extremely odd. She NEVER asks how my day was, she never asks me anything come to think about it. She never asks how my mother is, or what i do in my time when im not with her. I got a new job in September last year. I purposefully didn't tell her what the job was to see if she would ask me anything - she never asked anything about it. So to this day she still has no idea what I do for a living!!!!!! I get the impression she is not even interested, in anything.

I find it odd that you went on more than maybe two dates with this person? And you do chores for her despite how she treats you? It takes two to argue.  Believe me I know -our son is 15 lol.  It also takes two to be in a healthy adult relationship.  Healthy adults who are cranky/irritable make choices around their partners so they don't subject them to their crankiness. Make it "their fault" so to speak. Yes it's not just about loving feelings because you also at times have to stop, pause, breathe and either not speak, walk away discreetly to get yourself together, or change your tone because even if you feel love your crankiness might win over in the moment and then you haven't acted very loving.  She doesn't choose to do this in part because she knows you keep coming back for more and -bonus -you do her literal dirty work.  It's also about humility in a healthful relationship.  I bet she doesn't talk to her coworkers or her boss like that right? 

[boltnrun]

You have a very clear picture of who she is, but you seem to have a much less clear picture of who you are and why you choose to be abused. You are not isolated or financially dependent on her, so there's absolutely no reason you need to stay in this relationship. You are choosing this. 

She won't change because she doesn't need to. She treats you like garbage and you go back for more, washing her car and essentially begging her to love you and be nice to you. What about that would she ever need to change? She has it all, while you have...what, exactly? 

As others have said, this is key. It's not to be brushed off with "I don't want to give up so easily" when you already have tried multiple times. It's vital to figure out why you are deliberately doing this to yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Paul78 said:

, for a short period of time the relationship was great, so i guess I cling onto the hope that those days will return.   I got a new job in September last year. I purposefully didn't tell her what the job was to see if she would ask me anything - she never asked anything about it. So to this day she still has no idea what I do for a living!!!!!!

Sorry this is happening. When and why did the relationship start  deteriorating?  It's unclear what the guessing games about your job are about. What is wrong with simple matter of fact communication? You both seem parked in your corners at war hoping the other changes..

It's good you're taking time to reconsider the relationship, but hopefully you're not using "no contact" as a tool to change her. Reflect how long this power struggle is going to go on and try to decide if you would rather be free of these incompatibilities and stress. 

 

[catfeeder]

Whenever we ask people why they are so invested in diagnosing those who mistreat them instead of simply walking away, they say that they want to help them. But the best way to help such a person is to walk away.

You can’t fix her, so don’t use her as a distraction from fixing yourself and your willingness to put up with abuse. Step one is to walk away, and only then can you be productive in figuring out why you stayed as long as you did.

[boltnrun]

Also keep in mind true narcissists don't want help, they want sycophants. They want admirers. They want servants. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Whenever we ask people why they are so invested in diagnosing those who mistreat them instead of simply walking away, they say that they want to help them.

Is this really true?  How is labeling your SO or your ex with such a derogatory adjective such as "narcissist" helping them?  I haven't see that.

What I have seen is that labeling them as a narcissist which seems to be the most popular helps the person being mistreated or who was just dumped move on by focusing on their character deficiencies and what an awful, horrible, selfish unreasonable person they are.

That way they don't have to look within at themselves and take responsibility for their own role.  Just the fact they chose to stay with such person for any significant length of time is something they should own and take responsibility for.

But when you're hurting this badly, it's sometimes difficult to do, introspection comes LATER, usually after healing, so I understand it.

I suppose if it makes you feel better to trash her OP, then so be.  At some point, you WILL have to look within and do some introspection as to why you chose to stay with such person and make the necessary changes you need to make within yourself to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Popular quote:

"You can never change another person's behavior, you can only change YOUR response to their behavior."

In this case, by wishing her well and walking away.  Let her figure her own shyt out.

You take care of YOU.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Is this really true?  How is labeling your SO or your ex with such a derogatory adjective such as "narcissist" helping them?  I haven't see that.

What I have seen is that labeling them as a narcissist which seems to be the most popular helps the person being mistreated or who was just dumped move on by focusing on their character deficiencies and what an awful, horrible, selfish unreasonable person they are.

That way they don't have to look within at themselves and take responsibility for their own role.  Just the fact they chose to stay with such person for any significant length of time is something they should own and take responsibility for.

But when you're hurting this badly, it's sometimes difficult to do, introspection comes LATER, usually after healing, so I understand it.

I suppose if it makes you feel better to trash her OP, then so be.  At some point, you WILL have to look within and do some introspection as to why you chose to stay with such person and make the necessary changes you need to make within yourself to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Popular quote:

"You can never change another person's behavior, you can only change YOUR response to their behavior."

In this case, by wishing her well and walking away.  Let her figure her own shyt out.

You take care of YOU.

Yes, I agree with what you consider to be the real motivation for tagging another with an amateur diagnosis. I’m describing the responses when someone calls them out on that. They default to, “I’m just trying to figure them out so I can help them…” rather than cop to what you’ve said. But my answer to either and any scenario is to walk away from anyone who mistreats you. That’s the most ‘helpful’ message you can send to them, and leave THEIR diagnosis to professionals.

Focus instead on healing your Self.