Ex texted me 4 months post BU while he has a new girlfriend. Please help me.

Hello everyone,

I’ve been on these forums for the past few weeks and have decided to finally post. I apologize ahead of time if this is incredibly long.

(I've posted on here before a while back .. relationship with my ex has been quite rocky ..)

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago after 3 years of dating, and I have been almost 2 months NC. For the first 2 months post BU, the ex and I stayed in very very LC - mostly him giving me breadcrumbs, and me begging/pleading/telling him I missed him. He got into a new relationship - a week and a half before that, he told me that he missed me, would always love me, and missed having me in his life (even one month before his new relationship, he was saying he had “doubts” as in doubting his decision not to be with me and that it was impossible for him to get me out of his mind). Once I found out (through Facebook of course) that he was in a new relationship, I went NC immediately. I have never spoken to him about his relationship and I haven’t spoken to him since.

Finding out that he was in a new relationship so soon (at least to me), was heart breaking. I still think about it and it kills me. I feel that he has replaced me and that I didn’t mean anything to him.

We are broken up because during our relationship, we had broken up previously once before in the first year of dating due to us fighting a lot. After me begging for a month, he kept on saying “no. we’ll never be together again”, so I made a mistake and went out and had a one night stand. Since we were still kind of talking, I felt guilty and I told him the next morning. The next day, he wanted to get back together.. this was a HUGE red flag that I can now see. Ever since then - he has held this one night stand over my head and has essentially not let it go. He can not stand the fact that I was with someone else. This has left me lots of guilt and blame for our breakup. We broke up because he has come to the conclusion that he still cannot forgive me, even though he loves me.

He texted me one week ago saying “I wish (person’s name I slept with) never happened, because you are the perfect woman I couldn’t be with”. I did not reply. Should I have replied?!

I don’t know what to make of this text. Does it mean that his new relationship is a rebound?

I miss him like crazy, and I think I want him back.. I don’t know. I would only consider getting back together if he proved it to me, but after he has been in another relationship, which I presume is meaningful to him, I don’t know if I could really get back together with him.

How do I play my cards right? How do I make him come to his senses..

Can someone help me?

Is it normal to still be so madly in love with him after 4 months, even when he’s with someone else?

I keep thinking that I should be better by now.. I still love him so much, I miss him everyday, and I really have to fight the urge to not say anything to him. I just refuse to speak to him while he has another woman.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate anything anyone has to say.

No, you shouldn't have replied. All he's doing is letting you know that he's not going to be able to get passed your ONS.

I'm sorry, but I don't see any cards left to play. He's telling you as clearly as he can that he can't get passed it. The only thing you can do is apologize, take responsibility for it and get on with your life. If at some point he gets over it and wants you back in his life you can deal with that then, but there's nothing you can do to make him be okay with it.

All he has been doing is feeding you lines. I dont know if he still loves you, its not my place to say, but think about it. He is seeing a girl telling you that it was a mistake. How do you know he wasnt doing that to you? How do you know he wasnt romancing other girls while dating you saying "I hate being with my girl, Im thinking of you"

He is not a rookie at doing this, he is manipulating you big time. Why? you ask... because thats would I would do if I wanted to keep you as my back up. I know that if Im feeding you lines there is no way you would even look at another guy. I know you still love me and if I tell you what you want to hear, no other man has a chance... meanwhile I can do what I want and if this doesnt work out, then I come back to you telling you Im sorry baby, I love you. And it all goes back to normal.

This is what he is doing...You can either accept that or you dont. But what do you think he is telling this other girl? You think he is telling this girl that you are wonderful? LOL.. no one gets a new girl by saying how wonderful their X is. If thats the type of guy you want. Someone who manipulates you to get what they want. I wish you luck..

I wouldn't bother responding. He's telling you that he still isn't over what happened. He shouldn't be messaging you, that's for sure. If he was wanting to work through it and try and make a go of things, that's one thing. But at this point, his mind hasn't changed and he's just reiterating what he's already told you and as he's messaging you, it's toying with your emotions and preventing you from moving on. Either you have to block him, or tell him to stop messaging you until he knows what he wants (because what he's currently doing is unfair to you, and to this other lady who he's with; that's if he's still with her - if he is, what he's doing is pretty jerky).

This guy either has to sh@! Or get off the pot. Meaning, he either tries to make things work with you, or you cut your ties.

So it's not OK for you to have a one night stand, but it's OK for him to move on so quickly to someone else???

The one night stand is just an excuse. He wanted a reason to break up, and he found it in something you did, that he could hold over your head. What a hypocrite.

The first thing to do is block his phone number so you can't text you. Hearing from him will only make your angst a million times worse. Make NC work to your advantage, not against it.

Yes, it is normal to feel terrible months after a break up. Yes, it is normal to still love that person deeply. Yes, it is normal to miss them like hell. Doesn't mean you should get back with them though!

It does seem like the writing was on the wall with respect to your ex. The fighting and him being nasty to you were bad signs.

It takes time to get over an intense drama filled relationship. Take your time, you will feel better. Well done for continuing the NC.

Wow... funny that you say that, because that was the exact thought I had when I first read the text!! I was like, was he texting his ex girlfriends when we were dating?! Ha - all these replies are the exact slap in the face I needed. I need to take him off this stupid pedestal I have for him in my mind... Easy to say, so difficult to do.

@ Gollum - These were my thoughts exactly. I feel so stupid, because logically, I agree with what everyone has said here. But my heart is taking forever to catch up with my brain.. I did think it was super hypocritical of him too, but I feel what he has done is 10x worse than what I did. I think I could have handled him having a random hookup, but a relationship?! Thats physical and emotional commitment.. so much harder to accept. Thank you for the reassurance that my feelings are normal - my friends and family are starting to think I'm crazy that I can't get over a jerk like this. It was an intense drama filled relationship... it has certainly left me feeling broken to say the least.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I was having a tough night, and I needed this reality check..

I will prob keep posting here just so I don't lose my mind.

He was really terrible to me at times even putting his hands on me.. I don't wish bad upon him, but sometimes I wonder if karma really does exist. He has held this one night stand over my head for over 2 years now. I don't know why I still long to be with him. love really does make you blind.

any more insight is still very much appreciated.

Brelly... its a mindset. What he is doing is showing you that he needs you more than you need him. He needs to be told he is hot or whatever. He needs to get the girls number, or he needs to feel wanted. I am sure that you are gorgeous because if you werent he wouldnt date you for 3 years. When you date someone that is gorgeous, you feel good and you want to see who else can I get?

Remember that he is texting you because he needs your love, he feeds off you wanting to be with him. It makes him feel good. It has nothing to do with how you feel, its all about how this gorgeous woman still wants him even after he left you... He knows that he can still have you (weather its true or not) and that makes him feel oohhh sooo good.

You can quit feeding his ego now... he had his chance, he let you go.. time to let him go and find someone who truly wants to be with you and not want to play high school games.

Nope, don't reply. He's being extremely callous and likely sussing out whether he can still keep you on the line while being with another woman at the same time. Block and delete him, consider this very solid proof of why he and you are not ever getting back together and move on.

If someone did that to me I probably would have texted them a two word sentence starting with Fudge and ending with you, and then would've deleted and blocked them on every channel. That is a seriously cold and messed up thing to say. "Hi, I wish I hadn't bleeped someone else since you're the perfect woman I don't want." How insulting. Get mad and go punch the heck out of a gym bag or five. You'll feel loads better afterwards.

And stop being so hard on yourself. At four months that's still pretty new for breakup time. Give yourself some major TLC, rally family and friends, and give yourself time. Don't be the crazy one who leapfrogs from one relationship to another, because you're so damaged you can't take time to heal. He's got that angle covered. Move forward and find better once you are fully healed and ready to move on.

Let him go for now. hes in a relationship with someone else and if he really wanted you he'd do most of the work to win you back. Not the other way around. Let him back up his words.

Yikes! Screw this guy seriously. He couldn't get over your ONS, even tho you were broken up. He did the breaking up, so you were totally free to do whatever you wanted! If he couldn't deal with that at the time, he SHOULD'NT have ever got back with you. The only reason he did was that he felt like he lost control over you (Because you'd got with someone else)

Once he knew he had you, he could reel out all this junk. It's beyond disrespectful of his new girlfriend & you to be txting this garbage after you've broken up. So it's ok for him to get into another relationship & still want to be with you, but not ok for you to have a ONS stand and still want to be with him? If you got back with him, he'd expect you to forgive him for this but he never forgave you?

This guy is a jerk. Get rid of him totally.

I miss him like crazy, and I think I want him back.. I don’t know. I would only consider getting back together if he proved it to me, but after he has been in another relationship, which I presume is meaningful to him, I don’t know if I could really get back together with him.

That's you admitting to yourself that you wouldn't be able to deal with him being with someone else so soon after you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this & the mature thing is to just let him go. It would eat at you if you got back together & lead to another breakup, unless you've fully dealt with it on your own in the meantime.

There's nothing wrong with missing someone like crazy, but this guy is not good for you. Someone else is, trust me.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Was having a hard day today, saw a picture of them together through a mutual friend. They seem to look really happy together. I re-read all of your guys' comments and advice when I feel down.

I haven't heard from him since that last text.

The longer he's with his new girlfriend, the more disgusted I feel. I'm disgusted that he sent me that text and can still be in this relationship with another woman. How could he even do that?! I'm still so hurt that he could form a new relationship so quickly after ours. I'm still picking up the pieces and he's in a new relationship....

From anyone who has experienced this, how did you get over the hurt of seeing the person you love with someone else?! I know.. the answer must be time, but time is feeling so incredibly slow...

Based on his text, do you guys think he's in a rebound relationship?

I know I shouldn't care whether it is or not.. regardless he is with another woman.. but I guess it would ease the pain if I could just know.

Am I taking the right route of not saying anything to him? Sometimes, I want nothing more than to just call him out on his BS... but, I want to be the better person and not say anything. I don't want him to think that he has any effect on me anymore. It's just on days like these - it's hard to control that urge.

After me begging for a month, he kept on saying “no. we’ll never be together again”, so I made a mistake and went out and had a one night stand.

So why is it any of his business who you sleep with when he is stating `we'll never be together'??

How is it you figure it's a mistake? Because the ex is acting as if it is?

How convenient. .

And why do you allow this double standard that he can hold over your head and meanwhile he can think it's ok to toy with you while he's in another relationship?

Please tell me you see how absurd this is?

Now you want to know what card to play to get this piece of work back? Why are you playing along with any of this?

How about putting the end to the head games and find a decent boyfriend.

 

And why do you allow this double standard that he can hold over your head and meanwhile he can think it's ok to toy with you while he's in another relationship?

Please tell me you see how absurd this is?

Now you want to know what card to play. Why are you playing along with any of this?

How about putting the end to the head games and find a decent boyfriend?

Just what I needed to hear. Thank you.

Just what I needed to hear. Thank you.

We've all been there and I am sorry you are going through this. We are not at our best in these moments and often times don't think clearly.

I imagine you are just trying to find a way to make the pain stop. .

Going back to him isn't the answer.

NC. . don't look back.

I suggest you read this:

It's been over a month since that text was sent. I haven't heard anything else from him.

It's just been brewing inside of me..... I feel anger, resentment, hate. All of it. I don't want to be with him, absolutely not. Everyday that goes by, I start to think even lower and lower of him. I just really, really want to tell him off.

How could he do this to me? How could you tell you love me and then date someone a week later? How could he say that I was "the perfect woman" while he's dating her? And they're still dating...............

I want to call him out on being such a JERK - I want to call him so much worse. For three years, I thought he really loved me.. and even after we broke up he was STILL telling me he loved me. I feel like he lied to me. He acted like a completely different person than what he's doing right now. I haven't said one word to him about his new relationship..

Is this a terrible idea that I want to call him out?!

I'm starting to hate him and I want to give him a piece of my mind. My gut is split - I WANT to do it so badly, but the rational side of me is telling me not to. Nothing good will come out of it, but how do I deal with all this resentment towards him?!

Please don't "call him out". He'll show your text to his new girlfriend and say "look what my crazy ex who's still hung up on me sent!"

I think you have a good chance of getting back together.

The new relationship may just have reflected him trying to fill the void left by you

The real question is do you want to be with him ?