relationship woes with foreign women

I will try to keep this as simple as possible with digressing.....

met a woman (age 37) from a south american country on line in february 2014. She is not a us citizen but has a 10 year visa to travel to the US. She's been visiting me here in the US on 2-4 weeks tours every 3 months. We been dating and the relationship has been doing well up until this past month. To my understanding we were in a serious relationship. We talked on certain occasions about living together for a while and then getting married and having a family because we fell in love.

The problem starts about two weeks ago. I remember we had a conversation on the phone about me visiting her on her birthday and spending christmas with her in december and she said "maybe" because she had things to do with her family. I thought this was bizarre because shes always gung ho about me visiting and meeting her family but this time she was not enthused and she never seemed to have to do anything else with her family before. So i felt something was up. and other things occurred that stirred my instinct up.

Well my instinct told me to check the website that I met her to see if she was still active and I discovered she is still active. I was livid and I told her i was done with her and that she is not a loyal woman and she proven I was basically insignificant to her. Then my mind got the best of me and i was thinking maybe she wasn't certain about seeing me in december because she made plans with someone else on the website and wanted to spend time with him instead. I mean who knows.

But I thought naturally if I found the girl I want why use the site anymore? so my thought is why wouldnt she do the same? It makes sense to me........

Well her response was the following " We are not married, we dont have kids, we dont live together therefore I did not betray, I was not unloyal" {in reference to using the dating site}

She basically said i was overreacting......i'm like !....dang this sounds like something a man would say......

I really want my response to be direct and wise and poignant but not disrespectful. I already told her i was done but i want to reply to her although it doesnt change anything therefore I need help with a few questions to help me construct my response.

1) Am I really over reacting, reading too much into this? IMHO I say no....but this is a woman from another country so maybe her response is more cultural; what is normal or obvious to me may not be normal or obvious to her.

2) Is it a fair assumption to link her behavior on the dating site to the behavior of her possibly physically interacting with another man in her country or from the dating site? I.E. if i ever found her sleeping with another guy will she also say " we are not married, we dont have kids, we dont live together, I was not unloyal" ? I say yes....but this is a woman from another country; do i have enough evidence to say yep you would screw another guy too because you are still active on website.

3) Is she sending a message in between the lines that if i married her or had child with her or lived together then and only then she will be loyal and not betray me? Is it like a indirect ultimatum?

4) Considering she is a foreigner how likely is it that she really wants to marry me for me vs. just marrying anybody? should i be flattered this beautiful woman wanted to marry me or should i be insulted this woman thinks im a sucker?

Shes 37 and her clock is ticking and I get all that. I mean i really do love her but as far as marriage and living together i always told her i want to take my time because that is a big next step especially we only been dating for 10 months so maybe she feels that this guy will never commit to me so she is looking for someone who will marry her. And maybe her recent actions I am taking advantage of to get out of a serious commitment?

Any opinions would be very helpful for me when i respond to her......

Have you made assumptions? You talked about living together etc but were you making solid plans or just talking fantasy? Unless you two had a concrete conversation about your relationship staus it is possible she wasnt yet sure of your intentions. Just because you know you are serious about her, doesnt mean she knows.

On the other hand if you had made concrete plans or some kind of commitment to each other, than yeah she might be playing you for any of the reasons you itemised in your post.

Which is it?

Well, I'd say that if you discussed marriage and all that then I would think she knows you are serious about her and I would assume she was serious about you as well, so keeping her options still open is really disrespectful and I don't blame you for getting angry about it.

Does that mean then that if you two are just dating then she can do as she pleases until you marry her? Sounds crazy to me. I don't even think that is a cultural thing... I am more inclined to believe that South-American women are quite traditional in relationships, but I don't know for sure.

I think that before you even consider marriage with anyone, you should meet their family and be visiting her in her home country. It's part of the process of getting to know a person.

What website did you meet her on? What country is she from?

(I live in South America)

I agree with silverbirch. She got to see you in your turf but you never got to see hers before you discussed marriage--not good for you. You want to check out her situation before promising anything to one another becaue for all you know she is totally lying to you about her living situation.

I also think if you guys have gotten to the point where you were in love, and were considering marriage, then ya she should not be dating around, or if she was dating around she should have disclosed that to you. I would be upset too. I get that people date around or multi-date to find the right person, but that usually ends after you find the right person, and if she was saying that she loved you and wanted to get married to you then I think it natural for you to assume that she was serious and no longer playing the field.

Personally, I would end this.

Have you made assumptions? You talked about living together etc but were you making solid plans or just talking fantasy?

We were making solid plans.....although dates were not established as far as when everything would happen we agree we would make the transition to living together 2015.

She knew it was serious ..... she knew i was not seeing anyone else.....she knew she was my women......

What website did you meet her on? What country is she from?

 

(I live in South America)

She lives in brasilia.....i met her latincupid

Have you made assumptions? You talked about living together etc but were you making solid plans or just talking fantasy? Unless you two had a concrete conversation about your relationship staus it is possible she wasnt yet sure of your intentions. Just because you know you are serious about her, doesnt mean she knows.

 

On the other hand if you had made concrete plans or some kind of commitment to each other, than yeah she might be playing you for any of the reasons you itemised in your post.

 

Which is it?

Also at first I thought it was just a fling and she told me she wanted this to be serious and i fell in love and went along with it. If she would have just kept it a fling i would have been cool with it....

I'm sorry, but when you are making plans to live together and marriage is discussed it's going to be assumed it's an exclusive relationship. That said though there are people who will use the whole, "But you never asked/we never had the talk about being exclusive" as an excuse to keep their other options open. Or worse, to see other people.

Tell her you wouldn't have been discussing living together and/or marriage if it wasn't an exclusive relationship. But now that you understand how she views monogamy, loyalty and exclusive relationships you realize it just never would have worked out anyways. And you tell her goodbye and leave it at that.

BTW, this had nothing to do with her being from another country. It has to do with the fact she's looking around and quite possibly rather cold-blooddly sussing out which guy has the most money/materialistic possessions to offer. Whatever it is, it wasn't love on her part or she wouldn't have been looking around then offered you a Cheater's 101 excuse.

And yes, in the future just make sure you have the exclusive/monogamous meaning both of you aren't out looking or seeing others talk before you assume anything. While it's true it's a bit ridiculous to think someone needs that you've just had a clear illustration of how some people really do need to be told things in black and white, so they can't sort of sneakily say, "Well, we never had the talk...."

Well, I'd say that if you discussed marriage and all that then I would think she knows you are serious about her and I would assume she was serious about you as well, so keeping her options still open is really disrespectful and I don't blame you for getting angry about it.

 

Does that mean then that if you two are just dating then she can do as she pleases until you marry her? Sounds crazy to me. I don't even think that is a cultural thing... I am more inclined to believe that South-American women are quite traditional in relationships, but I don't know for sure.

Like i said to marshmalito i thought it was a fling curiosity thing at first which maybe it was but but then she became to talk about getting serious and having a family and getting married and i was scared at first then i thought she was a nice girl had some good morales and such so i welcomed the conversations of a serious future with her. So we were certainly on that path no doubt......I agree with your logic AmyFFowler but your and my logic doesnt seem to be in alignment with her. And im trying to get her to see where she went wrong because telling her its over is not good enough for me. I want to really drive it home to her..

I think that before you even consider marriage with anyone, you should meet their family and be visiting her in her home country. It's part of the process of getting to know a person.

I agree and that was my natural thought process....so im thinking ok so she wants to get married so i need to visit her family and check her turf out....then this is when she said oh december is maybe no good january is better. Im im saying wow the girl i knew would never hesitate once about an opportunity to connect so i thought something was up...and that was when i found she was active......

What website did you meet her on? What country is she from?

 

(I live in South America)

where do you live in south america?

yes you nailed it!!!! Thank you Paris Paulette...

I don't live in Brazil.

I asked about the site and where she is from because there are sites that cater to righ white western men looking for hot young Latinas, and if you "meet" on a site like that you basically have to know you're entering into a sugar daddy/trophy wife relationship with the woman's main interest in you being your money and your citizenship, and your main advantage that she's hot and she'll have sex with you.

However, doesn't seem like that's what latinamericancupid is like, though in got the impression it was for latins to meet Latins?

Does she not work? How can she come for 2-4 weeks every three months?

It does sound like she is looking at this in a rather calculating material way rather than as a love match. I don't think you two are looking for the same thing.

its funny when i first met her she thought i was womanizer and she was very cautious....but it was her who was the real player.....

This is exactly why falling in love is so got damn hard....will smith (hitch)

I don't live in Brazil.

 

I asked about the site and where she is from because there are sites that cater to righ white western men looking for hot young Latinas, and if you "meet" on a site like that you basically have to know you're entering into a sugar daddy/trophy wife relationship with the woman's main interest in you being your money and your citizenship, and your main advantage that she's hot and she'll have sex with you.

 

However, doesn't seem like that's what latinamericancupid is like, though in got the impression it was for latins to meet Latins?

 

Does she not work? How can she come for 2-4 weeks every three months?

she owns a hair salon. when she visits her 21 year old daughter helps manage the business.

btw there are women on that sight looking for a sugar daddy. i avoid those types. there are also some women looking for mutual loving relationship.

It does sound like she is looking at this in a rather calculating material way rather than as a love match. I don't think you two are looking for the same thing.

i agree.....for the most part it was a remarkable experience for me....crap happens....one door close others shall open.

Well, why not focus on women who are local? At least living close enough where you can reasonably have access to their day to day lives, in a real way.

It doesn't eliminate all risks, of course. But it gives you a chance a lot earlier to be a part of their routines, on a regular basis. To meet the people who know them well, too.

I think all that should happen before there is even talk of marriage.

Also, and I know this is controversial, but you cut down a lot of risks if you decide to only date folks with full citizenship in the country they are living in. People on visas, are by the very nature of it, in a state of transitions and inbetween places. There is nothing wrong with that, and of course you can date them if you want, but I think it's smart to recognize that it is a little riskier. It's more difficult to get to know the full extent of someones background and who they are in that situation. Lots of ways for them to hide what they don't want you to see.

yes i agree....but as you stated there is risk in all situations when dealing with matters of the heart. Never any guarantees....but i dont wont to just find someone closer because if im not watching her every move i have to fear her going astray. I refuse to live that way.

thanks everybody for the advice. My instinct intuition served me well. this community only reinforced what i was already thinking about. good job guys. much appreciated...

yes i agree....but as you stated there is risk in all situations when dealing with matters of the heart. Never any guarantees....but i dont wont to just find someone closer because if im not watching her every move i have to fear her going astray. I refuse to live that way.

I understand...and agree, not that it should be motivated by fear.

My point was simply if you are looking for marriage, it might be easier to find someone this way.

Anyways, good luck.

I think that before you even consider marriage with anyone, you should meet their family and be visiting her in her home country. It's part of the process of getting to know a person.

I strongly disagree. I just got married yesterday and did not meet my husband's family in person until a month before my wedding- and it was only for one day. Just like the OP's girl, my husband is not a US citizen and came over from a different country. I am not sure if this is true in Latino culture, but it is very common for most traditional asian families of the couple do not meet until there is at least an engagement established. Before his parents and I started speaking over Skype at least five times when I was engaged (with husband translating). I have been dating him for 10 years. I did not (and still don't) have money to travel overseas to meet his entire family, but we still tied the knot.

OP, just curious: how long have you been dating? I agree with her valid points, but she is also saying that she isn't looking for commitment or is just not ready.