Is it break up or wake up time?

First of all, hello and thanks for allowing me to join your forum.

Ive wanted to reach out and speak to someone for a while now, but kidded myself on that everything would be fine.

I have been with my Finacee for about 12 years now. I am 8 years older than her although she is extremely intelligent and wise beyond her years. When i first set eyes on her i genuinely got the horrible sickening feeling in my stomach because she was the most beautiful person i've ever seen, and i thought being the not so good looking guy that i am, would stand no chance of even getting close to her.

Anyway fast forward 5 years and we are living together. She is younger and goes out a lot, more than me, but that doesn't bother me as i had quite a wild time in my teens and early 20's so knew how important it was to have the opportunity to go out and enjoy life. We did things together too and so we were both happy.

Now a music festival was coming up and her friends always go, but this means she will go away for 5 days, and to be honest this didn't bother me as much as i thought it would. I knew i'd miss her, but felt confident in our relationship and actually surprised her with the tickets to go along with a considerable sum of cash to help her enjoy it. At the time i was working on a building site and so wasn't loaded at the time and did a few weeks overtime to ensure i had raised the funds i could.

So off she went with her friends, we kissed goodbye and i headed off to work. She promised that went she got there she would call just to let me know she had arrived and pitched up her tent, and i would relay the message on to her mother and family. She called the first night all happy and i got that good feeling in my stomach knowing i had done something to make her happy, especially since she was with her friends. I was also secretly trying to get her friends to sneakily get her ring size so i could buy her an engagement ring, because i was head over heels in love and she told me she felt the same.

Anyway, the next couple of days i called just once a day, in the evening to make sure everything was ok, she had money etc etc. Everytime i called though she was extremely dry with me, telling me the phone battery was dying, or the reception was bad, or some other reason i cannont remember.

I thought nothing of it given the festival location was in the middle of massive hills. On the last day, i called her about midday to see if she was ok and was in a fit state to get the bus home or did she need me to finish work early and go pick her up. She told me no, and said she had to talk to me about something important when she got home. Now she has me on speakerphone at this point so all her friends could hear me. We both shared a warped sense of humour and i remember saying 'oh oh, is that me getting dumped ha ha', and she went quiet, i then said is everything ok, and she then said 'sure i have been behaving girls' to which they all said at the same time a drawn out yyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess.

Anyway, when she got home, she told me it was over. She said she fell out of love with me and left me sobbing on the kitchen floor. I was heartbroken. It absolutely destroyed me. There was no signs, no reasons at all beforehand to signify what was happening, even looking back now nothing was untoward.

We were seperated and during that time we did talk. She would say how it wasn't me it was all her, she didn't love me anymore, there wasn't anyone else etc etc. This i suppose, should have made me feel better but the truth is it didn't.

Anyway, my friends had dragged me out to a night out at the local pub because lately i was sitting in the house crying my eyes out (I am very soft hearted). I was having a not bad time, i got interest from a few girls, although they weren't exactly shall we say, my type. On that night though a girl in my street was chatting away and blurted out that she had seen my ex and another man kissing outside a nightclub the week before. The feeling in my stomach was horrific, i felt unsteady on my feet, my eyes welled up and soon i was phoning my ex to ask if this was true. Her exact words were i swear on my nieces life honey i never kissed him. I know it was none of my business since we were no longer together, i just felt that it was a bit soon for me anyway.

We got back together after 6 weeks or so, and i remember sitting in the car when we had agreed to get back together saying 'oh its as if we have never split up because its not as if we have been with anyone else.....she paused for a bit, then said 'well i did kiss someone in a nightclub, but it wasn't the person you had been told about previously. Now i was gutted again, but i so wanted to be with her i tried to put it to the back of my mind.

2 weeks before we got back together i buggered off on holiday with my family for 2weeks unaware at this time of course we were getting back together once i returned. On the day i returned home, she told me she was pregnant. Obviously i had doubt since all she had done was lie, but it turned out the child was mine and she told me that breaking up was the biggest mistake of her life. about 2 weeks later we were listening to music on her phone and i asked her for a friends number and she told me to get it out her phonebook in her phone. When i looked at it, i found the guys name that she was apparently seen kissing and confronted her about it. She told me she had just forgot to delete it, and i didn't want to rock things and so said nothing.

Fast forward a 2 or 3 years, out first child is a beautiful girl and we are one happy family. One night, on a rare opportunity to have babysitters, we went out to a party and was having a great time. I was standing by some people who mentioned a name that i had heard before, a name of the man my sweetheart had been seen kissing outside a nightclub. Without hesitation, i jumped into the conversation, and 1 of the guys speaking was also one of the guys i knew had went to the music festival that had started all this off. I asked, was xxxxxx at that festival too?....he replied YES. I again, got that horrid feeling in my stomach.

I felt my eyes welling and so left immediately, and around 4am my sweetheart came home and i confronted her about it. Now, she has quite a temper, and can be extremely hurtful and nasty. And so when i brought this up she clawed at my face, called me a psycho, saying i needed help. For the nexr 3-4 years, everytime she had a drink, or the rare time i had a drink, this would always come out. She made me feel so bad for this too, as if i was sooooo evil, ignorant, untrustworthy, and other hurtful names.

I cracked one day. I phoned about and got this guys number. I don't know to this day why i said what i said, maybe my subconscious was working away or something....but i said hello is this xxx, yes it is, ok, my names xxxx, you know who i am?, yes he said. I then said' i know about you and xxxx kissing outside the nightclub and at the music festival, we are back together and i want to know if thats all that happened; he said no that was it, we kissed at nightclub and festival!!!....BANG!!!! IT ALL FELL INTO PLACE.

She had been with him at the festival, then kept seeing him right up until we got back together. I came home from work where i had phoned him, sobbed all the way home. I sat down on my couch, looked up and stared at the beautiful picture of my little girl. I love her so much i thought, if i leave, what will become of her?, not having a dad around?

I came to the conclusion that i would be an awful dad should i walk out on her. Intellectually i know i was walking on my sweetheart, but i also know i couldn't leave 1 without the other.

I pondered for days, and then promised i would stay, provided there were no more secrets. I stayed because i love my daughter, i wanted to be a full time dad, a man in her life that she would admire,look up to, respect and love.......

Fast forward a few more years and i am so unhappy. I do everything for my fiancee, i have a good job, i get all my wages paid into her account. I buy her expensive gifts, phones, ipads, clothing. Our house is lovely, our kids are clean well looked after and loved kids.,but thats the only happiness there is in the house.

Asides from the kids, we always argue, about stupid things. We never have sex, i always have to instigate it all the time, always the same tedious way She never wants to try different things, she only wants to have sex when she is drunk. She comes in at like 4-5am after anight out then demands sex,if i refuse she either calls me all the horrid names under the sun, or forces herself on me, and by that i mean she actually does it whilst im trying to sleep.

Everytime i bring it up she tells me if i don't like it i can f*** o**. We have had sex 9 times over 15 months, and EVERY TIME she is drunk.

Its not about the sex, well it is a part of it, but i can't take this anymore. Nothing i do is right. I get up at 6 am, leave for work, get in at 7pm, do housework and washing till 9pm, read the kids a story, grab something quick from the fridge because she never cooks me dinner or anything, grab a shower then bed.

At weekends she either works on the sat so i am fortunate to have all day with the kids myself, and we always have such a great time. Or she goes out with her friends

Am i a mug? or do i need to stop moaning? I cant tell right from wrong anymore!!

From how I see it... you two have had a rocky relationship. And things are just falling apart.

No real love, appreciation, etc.

You do not have to stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids are not dumb or blind and can sense the troubles.

If you think about it.. how many people out there nowadays living apart and still having an active life with their kids.

If this relationship has burned down to nothingness for you, think about YOUR future. You've carried on in it for so long now, isn't it time to consider seriously admitting it's done, separate and move on with your Life?

Your future.. your choice.

Get counseling. If either of you says no to that the desire to save the relationship isn't there so separate.

Kids don't do well where there is a toxic relationship. Better to have two happy divorced parents than two miserable married ones

First off go see someone about your inability to let things go and living in the past. If you agreed to get back together then let all that go and move forward from there. So she kissed him at the festival and at a night club. There has been a lot of water under the bridge since then and you have way more important issues right now that need attention.

Can your marriage be saved? Why not try. It doesn't seem like either of you have been putting any effort into your marriage for some time. If you try and it doesn't work then you can move forward knowing that you gave it your best and when your kids are older and ask why you divorced you can honestly tell them you tried your best but it couldn't be worked out.

I would say a marriage counselor is a very good idea. You should look around to see what is available in your area. If cost is a worry let me remind you that divorce is way more expensive than counseling.

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