Dumped me, held me close as a friend while she got a new boyfriend

This is the first time I ever write something like this online, so please be gentle with me. I don't know what to do as I'm feeling more sorrow and anger than I can handle right now. Any help would be much appreciated as I need to vent this somehow.. I'm sorry for the very long text, but I hope someone reads it, and included a TL

I have been in love with a girl for about 9 months now, and we study at the same programme at the university. We have been friends since Christmas, supporting each other through a tough period of writing our theses. I began to notice her at that time, since she had been eyeing me during lunch breaks, and would always laugh at my bad jokes.. a clear sign that I had a good shot with this girl (this was really important for me to know before going any further, due to anxiety issues that I have). In early June, I finally manned up the courage to ask her out on a date. She initially declined my offer, as she said she was uncomfortable dating me since she knew that I had slept with a friend of her the year before. She changed her mind 15 minutes later though, and so we started dating over the summer. It was really nice, and I was really in love..

As mentioned however, I have issues with anxiety, more specifically a strong fear of getting abandoned by girls that I like. Since my former relationships have been very bad (girls cheating on me and then leading me on for a long time as I get desperate to get them back), I told her about my problems as I hoped the honesty could pre-empt some of my worst fears of insecurity ruining our relationship (she has a very distinct "good girl" persona, being liked by everyone and never doing or talking bad about anyone, which caused me to trust her), and it turned out she had issues as well (she used to cut herself several years ago). It was nice to get the issues out in the open, and we agreed to have an open communication as I have an extreme fear of getting dumped "out of the blue".

Then came my birthday in late July, and after having had a really nice date with dinner and wine at my place, I ended up following her home and we kissed on her doorstep. I could tell that something was wrong however, as she went quiet afterwards and didn't say much. I started to get really anxious at that point, and so I texted her about it. She replied that she was getting second thoughts due to my history with her friend the year before (which I had told her was over for a long time), as she felt uncomfortable dating someone her friend had once liked (this other girl was quite into me). So we agreed to wait a week, and then have a "serious talk" once our emotions had settled for a bit. I prepared a lot for that chat, even writing down a text document of things I wanted to address, especially the fact that this girl did not show me enough affection which was making me unsure whether she wanted to be with me or not.

Well the day came, and instead of having a chat, she dumped me out of the blue.. I reacted quite badly, and just had to immediately leave there and then (this is the way I usually handle situations like these. I really just needed to retreat back deep into my shell).

However, instead of leaving me alone, she kept taking a lot of contact over the next days, even dropping by with cookies she had baked to cheer me up as I was trying to regain my focus so that I could write my thesis. Finally she catched me in the hallway, and we had a three hour long chat. Basically, the result of it was that I wanted us to continue dating, while she didn't want to but instead she really wanted us to be friends since I was apparently a very valued friend to her. I said that it would probably be a bad idea, since I still had feelings for her and it would shatter me if she got herself a new boyfriend while we were in the early stages of a "friendship". While we agreed to disagree, a mutual friend of mine hosted a birthday party the week after, and we both went there. It was quite uncomfortable for me, especially as she was talking to a lot of boys that evening and I was left a bit more to myself. Late in the evening, a "friend" of mine from the same university programme of ours came by, and he began to flirt heavily with her that evening, holding his arm around her neck and stroking her gently. It really shattered me at that point since she made no effort to resist even though I was clearly watching, and I headed home.

The day after, I texted her and said that I was very disappointed in the way she had behaved, and she replied that "she was too drunk to remember to be considerate". While a poor excuse by itself, I was hoping to get her back and I asked if she wanted to take a walk with me that day. So we did, and even though she didn't want to hold hands or anything (I asked), it was nice to be together again. From that point on, she started to text me. A lot. So I decided to meet up with her at a pub quiz since things were going so well. While I was waiting for her at the quiz, I was instantly shattered as she arrived together with the "friend" of mine who had been hitting so heavily on her that other night. Needless to say, that evening was really uncomfortable for me, so I immediately headed up to the study hall to get away from the awkward situation. A while later, she texted and called me, asking if I would walk home with her. I replied that I wasn't sure, but she came by anyway. WITH the other guy she had been with the other evening. She then made a huge effort to make me walk me home with her, together with that other . That was horribly uncomfortable, and I do not understand why she even did that.

And when I finished my thesis a couple of weeks later, she was really eager to bake me a cake so that we could enjoy it with wine at my place. I accepted of course, starting to get my hopes up after the earlier breakup. At our date, we talked for hours and had a great time. I then suggested that we could watch a movie, and at the end of the movie we ended up holding hands again. She seemed to be really happy for this, and suggested that we watch another movie, signalling that she was happy with the situation. The day after I went to Italy for a vacation. While there she texted me yet again, asking me if I was home yet and if I would have a walk with her or watch another movie with her as she was feeling sad since her dog had died. I replied that I was unable to, but would do so as soon as I got home. When the day came, I made another advance hoping to hold hands with her, and she then declined it. I got really anxious again at that point, and the next few days I went "cold" since I hate it when I don't know if she wants me or not.

Then came last Sunday, and we had another one of these "dates" as she wanted to spend time with me. While cautious of her earlier nonsense, I still made a huge effort that evening, cooking a nice dinner for us and providing the wine. The "date" went really fine again, we talked for a long time and were enjoying ourselves. We then watched a movie again, and when I made my advance (just resting my head on her), she let it on me: She was uncomfortable with me doing so, since she had been dating this "friend" of mine for a while now. She then had the nerve to tell me that "she thought she had been clear that she just wanted to be friends", and then hoped that we could continue to be friends, as I was still one of her (allegedly) dearest friends. I told her to leave at that point, as I felt that she used our earlier breakup talk as a simple excuse to get away with her behaviour towards me.

TL

Girl broke up with me over the summer, but has been keeping me really close as a friend even though I needed my distance. We ended up getting close again, "dating", cuddling a bit, while she dated another guy the whole time. She has been showing me a lot of attention, texting me a lot, sending pictures of herself, asking me to have walks with her. While doing that, she has repeatedly also been putting me in awkward situations where I had to be around her and this guy who was hitting on her in front of me. She is now dating this guy, telling me to back off my advances from now on. This after she ate the dinner and drank the wine I had prepared for us for last Sunday's "date"..

Long story short, I feel really abused right now. I feel that I have been led on for a long time now, even cheated. It really hurts me that she never told me about her dating with this other guy, which she knew I was uncomfortable with. I also feel offended as I have told her about my anxiety over girls hurting me, and I feel that she really abused my trust when I told her about these things, and then decided to do something that triggers my anxiety as I feel undesired as she found someone "better". I feel really angry for her telling me she didn't want to date me because she didn't want to hurt her girl friend and because she was uncomfortable dating someone like me who she considered to be such a great friend, while having no problems with risking OUR friendship by dating this guy. I also feel angry for her having the nerve to ask me to be her friend after all this, implicitly shifting the blame over to me for "failing to understand that she just wanted to be friends". Finally I feel really angry for not having seen this coming, as I never expected a kind person like HER to do something like that! (My worries is that this event might trigger even more fears of getting attached in the future as well)

What to do!? Why did she act like she did, holding me close as a friend, sending me tons of texts wishing me to have walks with her, pictures of herself while she was drunk at 4 am, and then pull a cruel stunt like that by dating someone when I stated I didn't want her to!? Did she do all this just to settle her mind on who she wanted the most, keeping me at a distance until she had decided for the other guy? Are there any issues she might have that I have missed? Does she simply like the attention she gets from boys, judging by how she goes "hot" with her contacting when I try to get some distance, and by putting me in very awkward situations in front of this other guy?

(I am currently trying to stay away from her (I told her to never contact me again), but I end up stalking her on facebook all the time, as more people from our class have commented upon them being more and more open about their dating. I don't know if I can go to school and see them together again, as I already had a public breakdown in the reading room last Wednesday and I don't want to make others uncomfortable with my problems.)

Hmm. You just have to back off and stop taking to her. You should have done that along time ago. She told you she wasn't interested in you that way... She wanted to continue to be friends and you saw it as a sign that she might date you again sometime in the future. That's not going to happen if you hang around being her friend.

I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt you... It's just the result cause you like her so much. Often times when you're in a situation like this where someone else doesn't feel the same way you do it's best to cut them out of your life.... But that's just my opinion.

Hmm. You just have to back off and stop taking to her. You should have done that along time ago. She told you she wasn't interested in you that way... She wanted to continue to be friends and you saw it as a sign that she might date you again sometime in the future. That's not going to happen if you hang around being her friend.

 

I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt you... It's just the result cause you like her so much. Often times when you're in a situation like this where someone else doesn't feel the same way you do it's best to cut them out of your life.... But that's just my opinion.

Thanks for the advice. Yeah I havent been in contact with her for a week now, but I still feel that I need the closure of knowing why she held me so close (and even held hands with me after a dinner-date, and wanting to spend lots of time with me), as I feel that I was kept as an "open option" in case she changed her mind or the new guy didn't turn out to be good.

Actually I am considering to unfriend her and this other guy from facebook today. I don't really know if it's the right thing to do, but I keep checking their profiles every now and then (especially hers) to see what's up. By doing so, I know I'm risking the chance of seeing a future status update where they are officially in a relationship, which I know would shatter me yet again even if I would be a bit more over her in the future. Should I do it? (I also have to confess that I partially consider to delete them in order to raise her interest in me, which I know is a bad motivation. But on the flip side, I'm hoping it could also make it easier for me by cutting the remaining bonds)

(PS: If yes, should I just unfriend her from facebook right away without further hassle, or give a short explanation like "I dont want to deal with this situation by having you close"?)

No need for an explanation, just block both of them on your FB. It's detrimental to your healing to check their pages.

Unfortunately you will probably never get the closure you seek so you just have to cut all ties (including social media) and start working on yourself and healing. Hugs!

Ya just unfriend them both. I agree with jjkk you probably won't get the closure you seek. People always say you make your own closure... I know it sucks but sometimes you have to. Bottom line is the other person is never thinking the way you are. Who knows what they're thinking. I just got out of a short relationship and I thought she was the best girl I've dated in years.... I'm sure she didn't think so cause she ended the relationship. When I look back on it I can only look at it from my POV. No use wondering and worrying about what she thought cause I just don't, and will never, know.

You unfriend them, cut contact and move on.

Thank you for the replies both of you. Just unfriending them right away was my initial choice also. I am however tempted to break "radio silence" this one time just to explain that it is not a good idea to be friends on facebook as I need to concentrate on other things? I'm asking you because she entrusted me earlier this summer that she has anxieties over people not wanting to be friends with her, and I don't want to be an insensitive arse in the odd case she would ever find interest in me again in the future. Is this a good idea, or should I just stick to my original plan and unfriend by keeping "radio silence"? (After all, she triggered my anxieties by breaking up with me out of the blue, but I feel that simply unfriending might could be interpreted as some sort of "revenge" that would be insensitive?)

(By the way, from next week on we will be working together in the same office space, so we will see each other at least once a week. If that is relevant to the situation)

^it's just facebook, man... do what's best for you, as that's what she did for herself. she wanted you to be around because she doesn't have that kind of a relationship with the new guy yet. of course, it's easier to be "friends" with you and romantically involved with the new guy. she then gets best of both worlds. then, once they're closer and develop friendship, you'll be kicked to the curb, and she would not give two shats about being insensitive about it.

By the way, the last time I spoke to her (right after she broke the news of her seeing the other guy), I wrote her an hour later with a long wall of text where I came accross as very angry, and unfortunately I was stupid enough in the week after to post status updates of how angry I was (without mentioning names of course, but it was obvious).

Is this relevant to whether or not I should break off our facebook friendship as well? I don't want her to have an image of me as rage-filled, especially since I hope that she one day would re-initiate contact with me. On the other hand, I don't want to re-establish some sort of power balance, and I'm worried that I'd look pathetic just by texting her (politely) that we should no longer be friends on facebook or otherwise. (Should I apologize for my outburst as well then, or consider it justified anger on my part?)

Kinda torn here.. any opinions?

Just block them both. No need for an explanation. You are being too considerate with someone who is so selfish she would use you as a backup plan and/or emotional safety blanket. She doesnt care about your feelings and neither should you. Sorry for the harsh words but she sounds like a totally selfish brat.

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Allright, so I deleted her from my facebook now. Thank you for your post Lucha, it helped getting support on her behaviour being unacceptable, and certainly made my decision easier.

Since I usually never do these things, what is preferable, just deleting them from my friends list or blocking them out completely?

She just texted me now by the way, as we saw each other on the road (but I didn't stop to say hello, just sending a quick nod). The text was really long, and she said she had trying to be giving me space by staying away from the university, and that she basically "wanted to reply with a thousand words" on the rather harsh final message I sent her on facebook on Sunday a week ago. She wanted to say that our new situation at work is going to be pretty awkward due to the circumstances, and wants to meet up for a cup of coffee to establish some ground rules.

I have been reading a lot on the "no contact rule", and several sites state that I shouldn't reply to her texts, period. Should I however make an exception to this rule since we will be working together for the next months? (I haven't replied so far, and deleted the text immediately.)

Sometimes you can't avoid. Don't go out of your way, however.

How many real romantic dates did you have with her exactly?

I sounds to me that she had told you directly or indirectly that she considers you a friend. A good one at that and it appears that you are reading more into this than there is.

She gives you the `friend zone green light' and you keep making romantic overtures to her that she keeps rebuffing and putting you in check. But she continues to reach out trying to be your friend despite your pulling away and passive ways (and some not so passive) of letting her know your displeasure.

The time has come for you to decide if you can handle what is being offered.

I can't imagine it feels good for you to see her with other guys but you got here on your own and maybe read too much into her actions or didn't read it right at all.

The only thing she could have done differently is to recognize that you were in too deep and back off and not try to be your friend. At least not now.

Due to your last angry response and the working situation I would recommend the coffee.

But I would stop thinking of her as very insensitive. She is in a way, but it's kind of understandable. Many people think that it's easier for the other party if the friendship is kept open rather than forcibly closed. She doesn't know what you are thinking, and while hanging out as friends, she thinks she is just hanging out with her friend, like any of her girlfriends would be. She doesn't have you in the romance box anymore, and it's unlikely you will ever be there again. You may have not actually been there in the first place, early romances like that are kind of fuzzy whether it's really romantic or just a strong friendship. You both shared some intimate secrets after all. But she has determined, through the process of dating you, that the friend box is where you fit. You have to either find a way to fit her in the friend box in your mind (which is unlikely) or get her out of your mind altogether. When you meet her, your objective should be for you both to find the best way to close things out in order to make working together decent. There should be no ulterior motives such as: hurt her the way she hurt me, try to get a clear understanding of why she dumped you, prying into her personal life such as who she is dating or how that is going, The purpose is to forgive each other as best as you can, and clearly define boundaries to make the working relationship possible.

If you can't get such ideas out of your mind, it might be better to just send a short response by text/email apologizing for your harshness and specifying the rules for your no contact, and how that will work during work hours. (Ex: if you have a work related question feel free to ask me, but it is strictly business etc, whatever you think you can be comfortable with) and close it out that way. Those unbounded "coffee" meetings can make things worse if you let your emotions get the best of you.

Either way you need to find the closest thing to a clean break that you can get, hopefully without too much anger. Some of which may have more to do with your history with women than with this particular one. (That kind of resentment can really build up over time, I know)

I don't know if I can handle a friendship with her anymore, since the way she handled our "friendship" phase the last month really hurt me. By that I mean the way that she openly flirted with another guy while I was watching, and later brought him along for plans that we had made together even though it clearly upset me. If she does want to stay friends, I feel really offended by the way that she would take the risk of losing my friendship (as I was clearly not ok with it at such a short time after our breakup, as I even told her that a friendship would be difficult for me if she started dating people soon, and she flirted openly with him after just a week while she knew I was watching) by her choosing to date that particular guy. While I cannot control who she dates or doesn't, I really feel that my feelings were trampled on by that choice and by how she acted in front of me with that other guy. A good friend should never have done that if she indeed valued me for my friendship only.

As for the new guy, I am wondering if he is a rebound of sorts. Hardly any of the girls in our class like this guy (he is "weird" and tends to say outrageous things at times) and some privately commented that they wonder why she would even want him. Personally I can't see them having anything in common both in terms of life values and personalities either, as he is some libertarian weirdo that listens to death metal while she is a typical "good girl" who likes sewing, high culture, baking etc. Yet from her behaviour it seems that she really likes it when people show her affection, which causes me to speculate that she mostly likes the attention she can get from guys (she has not been in a relationship for 7 years, which causes me to further speculate that she has serious attachment problems of sorts as I know she has done a similar thing at least to one other guy before me).

When people break up it can often be really fuzzy, and the rules aren't clear. There are MANY connections you make with a person when getting to know them, moving towards dating, and then dating itself. When you break up, it can be really confusing - for both the dumper and the dumpee - which of those connections were actually broken. Since you were friends before you dated, that makes it messier, because there is often a desire to just erase the dating part and go back to the way it was before that, like a rubber band. I wasn't there, but flirting right in front of you may have seemed acceptable to her, or she didn't think about it, because she thought your relationship is just how it was before.

Obviously for the dumped, and when you have real feelings for someone, this usually is not the case at all. Depending on her experience though, she may just not have had any clue as to the emotions that you were going through.

The guy may or may not be a rebound - but this really doesn't matter with respect to you. The more you try and figure out what she is doing and understand her, the more you are solidifying your negative ties to her. She has to be free to live her own separate life from you and make her own mistakes. I mean, if she is not really doing relationships and just seeking attention, do you really want to be any more a part of that story than you already have?

But really, if you can't handle a friendship then you can't handle it - remain firm on your step back. You are the only one who knows what you will be able to put up with, and in these situations that is THE best guide. If you try and push yourself too far past your limit, it can make things a lot worse. If you have to work together you have to work together - but it's possible to be polite and keep your boundaries. Though if you can get out of working together, honestly it would help.

I have been thinking a lot yesterday over why I might be reacting so negatively to this breakup, and while I took a walk in the evening I found out that it is most likely due to my extreme insecurities with women (I already "knew" this, but I didnt "understand" it before now). So I figured I should do something about it now, and decided that I should contact some exes with whom my insecurities had directly or indirectly hurt our relationship before. Before contacting them, I tried to make sure that I did it for the right reasons, and not as an excuse to get back together. Last night I therefore contacted two exes and I think I did it for the right reasons.

I contacted two of them yesterday, one of them who I had lived with two years ago. While I did not really hurt her directly, my anxiety really crushed our relationship indirectly as I either kept her at a distance, and when she started losing interest in me I started to become really unstable. So I told her about this, and she took it really well, congratulating me for my honesty and saying that she had had her own issues at the time which had caused her to pull away from me. She even took most of the blame for our breakup. Wow, that was unexpected. Anyhow, we decided to meet up for a cup of coffee at some point, and I felt really good about having told her after two years.

The other girl however took it less well, as I was really anxious at the time we hooked up last summer studies and due to my last breakup with the girl above. This girl had really been showing a lot of attention to me which I felt I couldn't handle, and I knew at the time that she had also recently lost her father. She did however keep coming strong at me, and finally "assaulted" me head on by kissing me fervently when we were alone at university. I was stupid at the time and entered a superficial affair with her, and while I told her that I could not handle a relationship at that point I shouldn't have slept with her anyway. That was wrong. I knew she also resented me for having dated the current girl later on (which now recently broke up with me), since they were (somewhat distant though) friends. And while I had apologized to her earlier in June, both she and I kind of knew that I mostly apologized in order to date this girl with a clear conscience. So I tried to apologize as much as I could, and make it clear that it was sincere this time and not due to me wanting to hit on another one of her friends, which she suspected I was going to. After a long chat I think she understood what I meant, but it's clear that she still has a lot of anger towards me, which I told her that I understand. Nevertheless, I felt good for having told her.

This good feeling then also made me feel more secure in relation to the girl that recently broke up with me, and I felt that I could now somewhat more easily forgive her. I do however feel that no contact should be maintained for a couple more weeks though. Even though I had been kind of harsh to her (which I still think is at least justified on my part), I hope to get in touch with her when I've healed and tell her more about my insecurities as well. I know however that the mere thought of her dating this class"mate" of my currently still sickens me, so I don't think I should do it now though.

What still makes me anxious is that I know that I really want this girl, and I hope my hard "no contact"-stance will further ruin my chances with her in the future. Perhaps I should just expect a friendship, and wait until I heal before I contact her in case she is still together with that guy? (If I contacted her now, even if it would improve my chances, I would feel terrible if she kept on dating him)

Sam, good job, man (!).

Starting to use this forum as a sort of diary to keep my head more focused on what's happening. Feel free to reply though. :subdued:

A ton of things happened the last couple of days. Stupid as I was, I texted her on Friday after I got a recommendation to text her about politely asking if she could be less open with her new relationship as I had feelings for her. I got the strangest reply back, where she said that she had recently been to the acute psychiatric ward due to a breakdown over uncertainties over when I will be starting at her new job (apparently she really dreads the day).

As I replied later that night, it unleashed a hailstorm on my part of anger and things I had wanted to say since she broke the news to me, since I did not understand why she would even tell me about her acute psychiatric illness when it was her choice to risk our friendship to begin with. Even though it might have been inconsiderate of me, I told her that I think her new relationship was really hurtful, especially since she hooked up with him so fast after our breakup. I also told her that I believed her mentioning of the acute psychiatric thing was done out of ulterior motives on her part, as a way to legitimize her relationship with this new guy and blaming me for the distress that has been caused. I also mentioned that I thought I felt that she had betrayed my confidence in her (I have told her about really intimate things that she knew I needed to trust her in before telling her) by how she had handled the situation post-breakup. I didn't receive any reply that night, but regretted it all night.

The next morning I sent her a new text, stating that I was sorry about having let my feelings get the best of me and that my response was immature, that I didn't intend to hurt her by her having to end up at the acute psychiatric ward, and that I looked forward to a professional relationship with her.

She later replied that she did not regret our dating, but the drama it had caused, and that she now had received a note from the doctor in order to take a couple of weeks off from work (I begin working tomorrow), and that she hoped we would do better in the coming weeks.

While I did appreciate her reply, I was kind of annoyed that she still had not even vaguely apologized for any of the things she did, and that she had somehow now shifted the "blame" for the post-breakup over to me due to the episode at the acute psychiatric ward that she told me about. So I replied back again that I had myself had some serious tough two weeks, with several breakdowns at university (this is true, I had 3 major ones so far, and a couple of minor ones, some of them happening in the open), especially when her new boyfriend walks into the room full of joy and confidence at my expense. So I told her more about my problems with my anxiety and fear of girls dumping me out of the blue and over someone else, and that I hoped she would understand why I cut her off from my life at this point as I cannot risk getting a major depression now (I have had depressions under similar circumstances before, lasting up to a year). I told her that it wasn't my intention. I told her that seeing them together would just make it worse for me, but that I hoped she would get better and that I love her as a friend. I also said that I didn't intend to put her in a position where she had to choose between me and him, and that I had already made my choice to have no contact with her apart from work-related stuff, and that I needed this time until I could handle the situation. I also wrote that I am trying to work on myself and get some major positive changes done in my life right now, and that I hoped to tell her about it some day.

She didn't reply.

Having given the situation a lot of thought this morning, I am starting to believe that she actually left me for this guy. It all fits so well: Her quick flirting with him within a week, the rapid escalation of their dating, her refusal to give me some sort of apology and instead try to shift the blame (even if just implicitly) over on me and never commenting upon the bad feelings that I have had while she herself has no problem loading her psychiatric problems onto me. Coming to think of it, I remember them having good contact also when we two were in the early dating stages, as they would stand next to each other on group photos and her coming out to comfort me at a party (I was slightly upset one evening for school-related stuff) only first when he had arrived and was standing outside with me talking in the backyard.

I hate myself both now for feeling a bit guilty over any psychiatric problems that I might have caused to her, but also since she might possibly be abusing my feelings towards her in order to shift the blame on me and legitimize her dating. I feel that my choice to go no contact should be my choice alone, and if she did indeed leave me for him and then plays a game at this point to shift the blame, then it just proves how bad of a person that she is. Or, what a bad person that I am.. My head is really messing around with me today.

This has become very toxic, and clearly, even as friends, you are not good for each other. Do you really have to work together? I can see no good coming from contact you might have with each other. Definitely time to move on.

This has become very toxic, and clearly, even as friends, you are not good for each other. Do you really have to work together? I can see no good coming from contact you might have with each other. Definitely time to move on.

Thank you for your opinion. I have to admit that I am starting to think the same about our situation, and it's really tough right now being torn whether I should be giving her lots of support and consideration as I apparently am one of her best friends (she said so in the text on friday), or cut the last remaining ties as she might be playing some sort of games with her strange behaviour (and I am still angry for not having gotten any decent apology so far, and instead only this piece of information). I feel that the middle ground here between these two options is currently disappearing completely, which is a real shame since we got along greatly when we were together (both as friends and dating). We never had a fight or even a disagreement when we met face to face, and we could talk for hours together about really deep stuff, or just joke around with a plethora of inside jokes that we had developed together. I cannot currently be her friend when if she keeps on dating this guy since my feelings have really been hurt this time, but I don't want to ruin her either.. But I'm really afraid of falling into that "trap" again, as girls have abused my emotions before by saying lots of crap similar to that. Is she having ulterior motives or not?

Unfortunately we do have to work together (at least on my part), since it's an organization that is relevant to my studies, of which the options are very few in this field.

I think you will drive yourself crazy trying to analyse everything she says and does. You have to just let it all go and move on. No contact apart from work, and you need to keep that minimal.

Again, break-ups are hard on both parties. You've both hurt each other a lot - none of that was intentional, but it can't be helped. You try to reach out and make things better, but it makes things worse, because it reopens all of the wounds that you both have that are still healing. You're both sorry about the pain, although you are taking way more responsibility for it than you should, and she is taking way less responsibility than she should (it's probably pretty close to 50/50 here). Which I must add, is pretty much how these things have always gone for me. I have only had one time where I stayed friends with someone who I had feelings for, and we had never dated. But she was sorry that she had to let me down. I think in order to dump someone you have to become a bit hard to even pull that trigger, it creates this artificial barrier. Even more if you are moving on with a third party. Whether she feels any guilt at all or not, she can't APPEAR to feel it.

But what she does is her own business. You can't take all the blame, but you can't keep trying to convince her she should be sorry either. You have to forgive her, even if she wont be sorry. (Not to her face... the forgiveness is just for you) The most friendly thing you can do for each other is to leave each other alone. The relationship is over. Her new relationship is a thing. Her life is not about you - and you can't continue to make your life about her either. You both will have baggage to process, but it can only be processed WITHOUT the source of that baggage. Don't fight fire with fire, you just make more fire - so don't try and fight baggage with baggage

As the weeks go by you will find yourself moving on in some ways, and not moving on in others. Contacting your old exes is really cool, I never did that! If you keep focusing on your own progress, and don't let yourself get tangled down in those weeds of what everything REALLY means, you will get through this.

I've been there-- a very similar situation. I've found that even people who consider themselves "nice", and make huge efforts to assure that everyone will like them, will often use an ex as a pseudo-romantic partner even after they clearly know they want to move on.

I was "used" in this way for over a year, and I can tell you, after making a fool of myself repeatedly by attempting to remain friends and trying to get closure, that the best thing by far is to cut off all contact, and if possible, restrict yourself from hearing about anything that is going on in their lives. As I've said, I have tried all the half measures and they really do not work.

Good luck to you!