Why do I desire my ex so much, even though I know he's not good for me?

I was in a toxic relationship, if I can even call it a relationship. I find myself going back to this jerk because the passion and desire was so strong. He never puts any effort in trying to get me back, so it's me who randomly gives in and I end up contacting him. I've gone from weeks up to 3 months without contacting him, but I end up desiring him so bad, so I just give in. Why do I desire him so much? This isn't normal and I'm so angry and frustrated with myself! I even find myself fantasizing about him, it's ridiculous! I causally date attractive guys but they bore me and the passion with them isn't there. Have any of you experienced this before? If so, how did you deal with it?

i feel the exact same way with my ex and have no idea what to do about it. I kno he wouldnt be good for me but hes the only one i want to be with. Im just trying to meet new people and hoping that eventually someone will top him

From what I've read, our partners stimulate the same part of the brain other addictions do. So in essence, we are addicted to them. Once the relationship is over it's like kicking an alcohol/drug/gambling habbit. Getting over heartbreak is no walk in the park, but it can be done.

Yes, addiction. That is why I am following the AA programme! Even if I am not an alcoholic. And it has been helpful. I view sobriety as keeping NC going

One can apply the 12 steps to anything. They are quite versatile.

You desire him because we all want what we can't have. You're seeing him as something unattainable at the moment, which makes you romanticize the relationship's passion -- even though you admit he is toxic and don't even know if it was even actually a relationship -- and drives you towards him even more. You need to find a way to detach yourself from this guy and start moving in another direction. Boring is not always bad. Sometimes boring equals stability and no game playing.

i feel the exact same way with my ex and have no idea what to do about it. I kno he wouldnt be good for me but hes the only one i want to be with. Im just trying to meet new people and hoping that eventually someone will top him

 

Well at least I'm not the only one, lol. It makes me feel crazy. Hopefully we both get through this.

From what I've read, our partners stimulate the same part of the brain other addictions do. So in essence, we are addicted to them. Once the relationship is over it's like kicking an alcohol/drug/gambling habbit. Getting over heartbreak is no walk in the park, but it can be done.

I've read that too, it's interesting. I guess I should start treating it like an addiction. I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, so i didn't know what that was like. I haven't tried the 12 steps, but I'm going to look into that. Thank you!

I think due to my chaotic upbringing, I don't do well with stable (boring), if I'm not stressed, I'm depressed it seems. I'd really like to change that!!

I've read that too, it's interesting. I guess I should start treating it like an addiction. I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, so i didn't know what that was like. I haven't tried the 12 steps, but I'm going to look into that. Thank you!

You're welcome.

Yes, addiction. That is why I am following the AA programme! Even if I am not an alcoholic. And it has been helpful. I view sobriety as keeping NC going

That sounds like a good idea! Do you do the program in person?

You desire him because we all want what we can't have. You're seeing him as something unattainable at the moment, which makes you romanticize the relationship's passion -- even though you admit he is toxic and don't even know if it was even actually a relationship -- and drives you towards him even more. You need to find a way to detach yourself from this guy and start moving in another direction. Boring is not always bad. Sometimes boring equals stability and no game playing.

I'm not sure if I can relate to this. The guys that I see sometimes, play games too, and some are jerks too, but I immediately dismiss them because their games and rudeness turn me off. For some reason, I can only make those exceptions for my ex. I know it doesn't make sense to me either.

We all want someone to take all the pain away and very often its the person who caused the pain that we want to do that. But in reality, only we can heal ourselves and by keeping in cotact with the person who causes us pain just makes us hurt even more. Thats why NC works.

I think therapy can help you understand why you want someone who isn't interested - why that drama, chaos, and rejection is so attractive to you and why "nice" is boring.

Addiction. People crave for what they can't have.

I think therapy can help you understand why you want someone who isn't interested - why that drama, chaos, and rejection is so attractive to you and why "nice" is boring.

When I told my therapists about it, one of them commented on how toxic it was and how mentally abusing he was. Another therapist asked me, "what is so great about them?" If they caused you this much harm and aren't honest, then they weren't a good person to begin with.

Maybe we should start with what makes them so great that we feel the need to have them knowing they're , or knowing they're terrible.

Now, I have the same addiction and I want it to stop. I want the girl he's with to realize eventually he's crap. People like that don't change and I honestly wish the worst for him...But that's a lot of energy that I should be using on myself to actually get rid of this addiction. Sooner or later I'll realize, he's and maybe I'll find someone who will treat me very well...

It's not fair is it?

Now, I have the same addiction and I want it to stop. I want the girl he's with to realize eventually he's crap. People like that don't change and I honestly wish the worst for him...But that's a lot of energy that I should be using on myself to actually get rid of this addiction. Sooner or later I'll realize, he's and maybe I'll find someone who will treat me very well...

 

It's not fair is it?

 

What you want is for him to magically want you to validate your self worth. You need to stop thinking about him cause dumpers can be just as happy as clams. It's YOU who is miserable.

What you want is for him to magically want you to validate your self worth.

That is so true in so many situations.

Awww Outsider, did you break your NC? YOu were doing really good

It sounds to me like you are suffering from the "ironic rebound" phenomenon.

This is the inevitable trap that dieters trying to avoid chocolate and carbs, and even the very thought of chocolate and carbs. And this is where they get into trouble.

For some reason, when we try to avoid thoughts and feelings, we only intensify them. The more you try to not think about him, or to push thoughts about this unhealthy jerk, the more you are going to find yourself thinking about him as if he were the last candy bar and cold glass of water on this earth and you were starving and thirsty in a desert.

When you start to think and feel about him, instead of trying to push thoughts of him away, but also without dwelling on them excessively, just notice the fact that you're thinking about him, watch the thoughts pass through your mind like clouds through a sky, and gently move on to the next thought.

The more you try to focus on not thinking about him, the more you will think about him.

The more you try to avoid your feelings, also, the more you will feel. If you, instead of trying to suppress those feelings, recognize them, while knowing for a fact that they are transitory and will change by moment as all feelings do, accept them, and stay with them, they will naturally dissipate.

We get into trouble when we begin to live by the delusion that the way we feel right now in this moment is the way we will feel forever, when we try to avoid our feelings, we tend to cement them until they are recognized and dealt with.

We tend to say, I am sad. Or I need him. We define ourselves by our feelings. But we shouldn't be. You could say to yourself, "I have a feeling that is sad right now." It puts some space between you and your feelings that allow you to consider them more freely.

I, myself, am a recovering defining myself by my feelings, and for quite awhile, my feelings for my ex, addict.

I hope this helps a little.

Awww Outsider, did you break your NC? YOu were doing really good

 

yes I did, Lexy. I keep doing it over and over. I broke NC again just a few days ago. It's really hard.

Oh that is totally fine. One day in the not too distant future you will get fed up of what breaking contact does to you only then will you let it go

Oh that is totally fine. One day in the not too distant future you will get fed up of what breaking contact does to you only then will you let it go

I wonder when that time will come. I've been going through this since last year /:

I know how you feel, you know I have been in your same situation. But I promised myself that If I will ever start being upset because of him, I will cut contact again. When I got back in contact with him everything was so nice. For a couple of months we were just constantly chatting, then he broke up with his rebound.. I thought there was hope for us but nothing really changed. He decided one day to take me to the seaside.. I was so excited! Like a little girl. Intead it was horrible, it was like he didn't even want to be there. He apologised afterwards but I realised that I don't want someone in my life that doesn't appreciate my company. I went NC afterwards, he tried contacting me but I stayed strong. I knew he just wasn't worth it.

The thing that really helped me though was keeping him completely out of my life... I used to keep checking his fb page constantly, not doing it anymore is really helping me. It's been almost 2 months now. I know he is missing me, but not enough to be with me so what's the point. You know it is not healthy.. having him back in your life is only going to hurt you again.

Since I don't have him in my life anymore, I feel confident again, I learnt to be happy without him in my life. I know that contacting him again would make me happy for a moment and thenI would feel miserable again and it's just not worth it.

What's the situation between you two now?

Aww Congratulations! I remember the last time we talked, you couldn't stay away from him. I knew you could do it! Lol. I thought that one day you would get tired of those negative feelings. Getting fed up is what will drive you away. I remember I was doing good in not contacting him but that was because I was very busy with school. Then the summer came along, and I had way too much time in my hands! And I was alone pretty much the whole summer. I think that being very busy is what helps me. I started school yesterday, so hopefully I'll get pretty busy.

As for my situation with him, When I contacted him this weekend, he read my message but didn't reply. This is the first time that he chooses to not take me back. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, although I don't see it that way just yet. A month ago he told me that he was fed up with me coming and leaving because it takes a toll on his emotions. He never once left me, I always left him because I had to. I told you about how poorly he treated me. He was very emotionally and mentally abusive. The fact that he won't take me back now, really hurts. But I also feel like I have no control over the situation anymore. I tried and there's nothing that I can do anymore. Now I know that he doesn't want me back, so my hope of us talking again is gone. I feel rejected and humiliated. He never even had the decency to tell me that he's done, he just chose to ignore every single message that I have sent him since last month. I wish he'd tell me to go away, or even snap at me, tell me off, anything but ignore me, because that's the worst he could do and it's more painful.