dazed and confused

Here is my story

I have been dating a wonderful women for a little over a year. we both have kids around the same age range (8-14) We immediately hit it off from the get go. We waited a short time for our kids to meet .

We both have very domineering ex's . My ex never approved of the fact that I did not wait, because she waited. My ex also decided to run a background check on my GF. I was informed by my GF of any issues that she had in the past and she has a checkered past, but not a killer or drug addict.

Her kids have accepted me and welcome me. My are not as accepting even after 12 months and i do not always make them spend time with all of us. But I told them that they need to get use to them being around. My ex's BF always attends my kids games and other things. however if I bring GF ... the look of evil is cased or I am told by my kids the GF can not come to games.

My GF has told me that she needs a break from the relationship, not breaking up.

She recently had some female concerns, so that my kids and My ex has become a tick that has infested my relationship. She has become overwhelmed.

She wants me to work on myself and the boys. She wants to spend quality time with her kids as well before school starts ( in about a month). She tells me she loves me very much and wants a future with me. However she needs me to be strong, healthily mentally and psychically . She sees me as a beat down dog from my ex and kids.

I have only seen her 3 x's during the last 2 weeks . Prior to that we saw each other quite regularly. now I am trying to find things to do. I have attempted to limit the amount of texts and calls to her.

So... over the last 3 days, she got good news from the doctor which in her text she she say's

"Looks like we are need of a date night"

I asked, then she says

Next month

So I leave it at that and do not text for the rest of the day

Then I get a good morning text today. I respond same to her

Next text is

Kids really miss me and how are my kids doing

I am confused,,, analyzing this stuff

It is consuming my days and nights

You need to put your ex wife in her place.

Your kids nor your ex get to decide who attends the games with you.

Since your ex has a bf and he attends games --- it is your ex poisoning their little minds.

Grow a pair and stand up to your ex or you will lose your gf. You are acting like a beaten dog. Not attractive.

Stop analyzing. She is giving you a month to get your $hit together with the ex. Or you will surely lose her. She is taking a GIANT step back.

So --- get it together, talk to your kids and ex about the fact she is part of your life and be able to walk back to her in a month and say "taaa daaa">

My ex never approved of the fact that I did not wait, because she waited.

Did you introduce the kids to your gf too soon or that you dated immediately after the divorce with no waiting?

I think its a big deal that your kids don't accept your gf and if your kids don't, based on their ages, you should not tell them to "get used to them being around." I think you have to take things slow with them. This is a big adjustment. There is the issue of you spending time with someone else's kids without them, feeling replaced, or just not still adjusting from the divorce. Honestly, I think you should honor the space your gf wants. Don't contact her. Let her initiate for right now and spend time with your OWN kids and figure out who you are as a single/divorced dad. Figure out your routine not based on the other family and if your kids need counseling or you need counseling - get it.

Obviously, your ex is a factor too. That sounds psycho to run a check on her, but on the other hand, you say your gf's past is "checkered." Be honest about what that means and is there reason for concern to an outsider about her hanging around the kids because of that past.

thanks,

My ex 's says " she has told the boys that GF is apart of our lives" and I tell my kids as well. My ex is a ruthless, alimony collecting . She was always the dominate person in marriage everyone but me saw it and was not surprised by the divorce.

Yes, my GF told me to "pick up my and get it together for us".. I am working on that.

I was so confused by the texts sent .... even my buddy said he was confused.

How are you working on it? Specifically.

What does your ex resent you for not waiting? To get involved with someone?

And finally --- your gf finds your lack of sack very unattractive. She would like to be "with you" --- but she is losing respect by the day.

no, i dated a few for about a 1.5yr or so and never introduced the kids to any others.

My ex's bf has no kids, so I do see it is easy for them to accept him. We try to do things with all of the kids so no one feels that we are spending to much time with someones elses kids,

I am in counseling and planning getting my kids in as well.

the checkered was a DUI, 5 years ago and bankruptcy from her going through divorce. Somehow the DUI gets throw at me all the time. People make mistakes and learn from them.

My ex never approved of the fact that I did not wait, because she waited.

What is this in reference to?

Counseling, and trying to figure out where to go from here. Counselor says think of a DVD and how would I like to end.

But I feel if is just skipping in the same place.

I am trying to find happiness within myself. That is where I need to start. Getting there is the hardest part

she waited 6 months to introduce my kids to the BF.

I waited about a month

I told my ex, just as she told me about the introduction. Some how within a week she ran a background check. I am really not sure how she got her full name and my ex called my GF.. Who does that??

Im in a sorta same situation. I have two kids, divorced my BF has a daughter and is divorced. His daughter disnt take kindly to me at first. Cause well her mom hates me so she filled her head with lies that i took her daddy away. And his ex hates when im around, come to find out its just jealousy. Your ex ia jealous that you moved on happily. So she flaunts her BF but bans your GF. Stand up to her. And sit with your kids and softly express that they are your world, but that so is ur gf ans her kids. That yall are bwcoming a family. And that its ok. But that they are still number one.

Your GF wants you to have a backbone. To feel as though yall are moving forward together no matter what anyone else has to say. She doesnt feel secure Having your ex be a psycho. That tends to make people beliwve youll follow your exs every demand.

Stand up, be stong, and fight for your new family like a man.

A woman looking out for her kids when they are with her ex husband whose judgement she does not trust.

A month is really too short a time.

Counseling, and trying to figure out where to go from here. Counselor says think of a DVD and how would I like to end.

 

But I feel if is just skipping in the same place.

 

I am trying to find happiness within myself. That is where I need to start. Getting there is the hardest part

Then take some 'down time' now. Slow it down. Don't revolve your life around her.

Get your own life in gear and live it. You have your own kids to enjoy. Do stuff with them and without a female around.

Don't be dependant on anyone.

YOu're an adult now and you're a father.

I feel much time involving another 'interest' should be worked in slowly and at this time, possible more just the 2 of you and not always with the kids involved.

So, if you have your kids w/e. Then spend some real time, alone with them. ( Not her & them).

Then at other times, consider time with her. ( not them).

Really, kids do need a good, considerate, understanding, stable parent. Are you that?

And as for her wanting some kind of 'break', respect that. Give it some time.

His situation and your situation are different.

His ex has a bf, whom she waited 6 months to introduce to their children.

He waited ONE month, and introduced a woman who has a DUI and a bankruptcy in her past.

She is not jealous. She is a mother.

Yes, a month is a short time. I know you never introduced them to others, but at a month you were still getting to know the new gf. I always wait 3-5 months to introduce my son who is a teen, to a bf.

thanks, we have the conversation over and over the boys and I. Not sure after 13 months why they still can not get it. yes it is a big risk, and if things do not work out , then there is alot of damage done. GF tells me she loves my boys. The last time we were there together. They spoke to her more than they ever did... I do not expect that all of the time but it was a start.

Yes, need a backbone. She wants the man that she met and fell in love with in the beginning to return. Trying to return is my challenge.

You exactly right on the ex..... she says the same. For whatever reason i can not escape the subservient behavior with her

I don't blame your ex-wife for getting a background check of the person who is going to be spending time around your children. I'm glad she did actually. I'd do that, so lump me in the "psycho" category.

And I think she made a smart move in waiting, and it would have been better for you to do the same.

Slow down. Don't just basically tell the kids "Put up or shut up". You just sort of threw everyone at each other and they are clearly resentful about it. I think it's best to keep the majority of your times separated like suggested for the time and do a 'step up' method. Kid time, girlfriend time. Try to wipe the board clean a little bit and get a different start.

Actually my bf and i met eachothers kids before we started dating. To see if the kids could mesh with eachother. And i dis not mean put up or shut up. But it should be know to everyone involved that each can have their opinion amd feelings, but that cant control anothers behavior or want for love. Just as kids dont like beingtold you cant see him/her anymore cause you dont like them. See what i mean.

His situation and your situation are different.

His ex has a bf, whom she waited 6 months to introduce to their children.

He waited ONE month, and introduced a woman who has a DUI and a bankruptcy in her past.

 

She is not jealous. She is a mother.

No not that, telling him he cant have his GF around is controlling and jealousy and rude. Cause why is she allowed if he cant.

same here on the meshing for the kids

yes ... but a background check within 2 weeks ?

We have done the step up for quite a few months ... that was 6 months ago..

What is the "step up"?

Of course within 2 weeks. She knows nothing of this woman, she doesn't trust you and this woman is now around her children.

Yes, definitely within 2 weeks. Why would someone wait any longer to do so, the point is to get information.

So, what reasons have your kids given you for not wanting her around, at the games, etc?

i kept my kids away for GF and her kids for 2-3 months. and attempted to gradually ease them back in to hanging out with them. but not every weekend the boys are with me

but i would think maybe after 3-5 months and you know for sure that there might be a future with a person you run a check

well my oldest is the one that really does not want to be around. youngest does not care

he really can not give me a good reason. he has similar interests with GF son, they seem to have fun when we are all together

I really think he is fed some of his feelings from my ex.... due to her disapproval of who i am seeing. She has called her trashy and other not so nice things

Not if you are bringing children around them. I see nothing wrong with what your wife did. I am sure you were not forthcoming about your gf's past because you are scared of your ex.