Quite often nowadays..when I talk to my mum on the phone (I live abroad) I then get terribly sad and often even cry because I know I will lose her one day. I don't get down for ages but sad after we've talked..then I distract myself. I also get that sense of panic of when that terrible moment will come. I feel 100% safe and protected with my mum and I know noone else cares for me this way. She's so much fun and inspiration, I don't know how life will be without her.
I lost one of my closest friends last year and the feelings have been very confusing for me. I still feel disbelief. I didn't go to his funeral because I had to fly back to our homecountry and couldn't afford it, I went to a memorial we did for him here. I have gone to our homecountry a few times this year but never gone to the cemetary. I also struggle to look at pictures of him/us for too long, I just can't believe it all. This is the first time someone close to me died. I am terrible with goodbyes as a whole..
Since my friend died something has changed in me..I can't define it. My life doesn't feel as important any more, it's all passing and in motion and circular, the flow of life just goes round and round, somebody dies, someone is born. My ego is smaller obviously but also I have a slight sense of apathy that nothing really matters.
Is there any way I can accept death as part of life and how can one do that?