My mom lied to me, & I'm not sure if I should confront her

My mom has had a bf for about a year now, & they're pretty serious.

We have a very close relationship. She tells me about her problems, I tell her about mine. She's mentioned, indirectly, that they sleep together, etc. She treats me like an adult & knows that she can trust me.

About a week ago, she told me that she's going on vacation to Yosemite with a few coworkers (men & women), & that her bf would be going along. She asked me to watch my sister for the weekend & that I'd be responsible for her until she got back. I was perfectly fine with that, cuz I know how hard she works & she deserved a break.

The day they left, I asked my mom to please call me upon arriving there so I know she's safe. She calls me 3 hours later & tells me they arrived (Yosemite is a 5-6 hour drive from here). I reply, "Really? Isn't Yosemite like 6 hours from here?" She hesitates for a moment, & blurted out something that didn't make sense.

I started to get suspicious, but just let it go. A few minutes later, I turned my computer on to print something, & I realized the printer was jammed. I fixed the printer, & something printed out. It was a map with directions on how to get to Las Vegas, along with reservations of a room for 2 adults. I guess she had tried to print it before leaving the house, but wasn't sure how to fix the printer. I don't think she knew that it would save in the memory to print later.

I now knew that my mom had lied, & that she had gone on vacation with her bf. I was so upset that she felt the need to lie to me about something so stupid. Why couldn't she just say she's going on vacation alone with him?

What hurts me MOST is that she lied about this about 4-5 times to my face. The day before she left, she made a pretend phone call to her "coworker" who was supposedly going too, & said something like, "Yea we'll pick you guys up at 11am". I know it was pretend because while she was "on the phone", her phone started vibrating cuz she got another call.

Also, when she called me from Vegas (pretending to be at a cabin in Yosemite), we were talking, & all of a sudden, I heard an elevator "ding" & she hung up right then, hoping I didn't hear that.

I know they went alone to Vegas. She's gone to Vegas with her ex-bf before in the past, & she lied about that, too. I confronted her about that, but she denied it.

This time, I'm furious because I have solid proof, & I'm just really upset that she would hide something like that from me & lie to my face many times.

What if something had happened to her? How was I supposed to know where she was? I would have thought she'd in Yosemite.

We have 1 rule in my family, & that is to let at least 1 person know where we are at all times. So, if I'm going out late at night & I know I'm gonna be home late, I have to let my sister or my mother know what city I'll be in, in case anything happens to me.

I want to confront her today & ask her why she lies about these things, even after me confronting her last time. I don't like being played for a fool, especially when I'm lied to over and over again. Ever since she came back from vacation, I've been holding this thing against her & I can't really look at her the same until I talk to her about this.

I really love my mom & don't want this to affect our relationship, but knowing that she lies to me makes me feel like I can't trust her & therefore, can't be honest with her about my life.

Any suggestions about what I should say, things I should mention?

Does she gamble a lot in Las Vegas and that is why she is ashamed to say she is going to Las Vegas?

*Ring Ring*

"Hi Mom! How is Las Vegas?"

Direct. Simple. Done.

Just call her on it so you can get it out in the open, no need to have some elaborate plan in my opinion.

Does she gamble a lot in Las Vegas and that is why she is ashamed to say she is going to Las Vegas?

Interesting thought......

I was wondering why someone would lie about going to Vegas.

*Ring Ring*

 

"Hi Mom! How is Las Vegas?"

 

Direct. Simple. Done.

 

Just call her on it so you can get it out in the open, no need to have some elaborate plan in my opinion.

Love it!!

She does not gamble whatsoever. I'm 100% sure of this.

It's as if she's ashamed to tell me she's going on vacation alone with her bf. They were only there for a couple of days.

I didn't wanna call her while she's there, because I didn't wanna ruin her trip by making her feel guilty.

She's been back for about 2 days now.

I would really really really try to talk to her objectively. Talk to her ABOUT the feelings you are having not WITH them. Don't be mad or accuse her. Just simple tell her that it is clear she went to Las Vegas and you felt hurt that she feels the need to keep that from you. It sounds like she gets defensive easily so try to talk to her in a way that isn't emotional. And really listen to what she has to say. Keep in mind that she isn’t trying to hurt you.

I would really really really try to talk to her objectively. Talk to her ABOUT the feelings you are having not WITH them. Don't be mad or accuse her. Just simple tell her that it is clear she went to Las Vegas and you felt hurt that she feels the need to keep that from you. It sounds like she gets defensive easily so try to talk to her in a way that isn't emotional. And really listen to what she has to say. Keep in mind that she isn’t trying to hurt you.

I know. I wasn't planning on making a big deal out of it.

My main goals are:

1) To let her know that I'm not stupid & I've known about everything she's lied about.

2) She can be open & honest with me about anything.

3) Lying to me is affecting our relationship because it makes me feel uncomfortable with her.

Uhh.. hopefully they're not planning on getting married by Elvis ...

Seriously though, you do need to confront her about it, because like you said, this is a major safety issue. If something happened to her and she's been lying to you, you'd have no idea how to help her.

I know. I wasn't planning on making a big deal out of it.

 

My main goals are:

1) To let her know that I'm not stupid & I've known about everything she's lied about.2) She can be open & honest with me about anything.

3) Lying to me is affecting our relationship because it makes me feel uncomfortable with her.

It’s good to have goals in difficult conversations but 1 sounds confrontational. Don't start with that. Also although she is lying to you that is a hard word for people to hear. "You are lying" brings most people back to being called out on something. It's very embarrassing and most people are defensive about the word. If you want her to listen to you and not just start defending herself try talking about her "hiding things".

Don't go in assuming she thinks you're stupid.

Right now I would say what you want to start with is telling her clearly and calmly that you know she went to Vegas and that you don't understand why she feels the need to hide that from you. Then tell her she can be open and honest with you. Then tell her that you feel like her actions are negatively affecting your relationship.

Also don't assume you understand why she is keeping things from you. Doesn’t assume that she thinks you are stupid or a child. Be ready to hear what she has to say.

Uhh.. hopefully they're not planning on getting married by Elvis ...

 

Seriously though, you do need to confront her about it, because like you said, this is a major safety issue. If something happened to her and she's been lying to you, you'd have no idea how to help her.

No, they're not getting married yet. She's told me that they have no intentions of that until next year, maybe.

With her last bf, they were together for about 3 years, and he became overly possessive. He started stalking her & threatening her. After they broke up, he followed her for about 2 months. He found out she's seeing someone else, and one night he went psycho on her. He called her & threatened to come to the house & kill her, etc. I took the phone out of her hand & cussed him out & dared him to try and do something. I knew he wouldn't. I told him that if he ever calls her again or if I ever hear about him following her or stalking her, that not only would I report him to the police, but that he would be dealing with me. After I hung up on him, she never heard from him again.

It hurts to know that I've been there for her through everything & stood up for her when I didn't have to. I could have put my life in danger by dealing with him, but I was willing to do that to protect my mom.

To think that after all that, she would lie to my face so many times about something so stupid...really really hurts me, to the point where I haven't been able to make eye contact with her for a couple of days, & I think she's sensed that something's not right with me.

Would she object to you taking a trip to Vegas alone with your bf? If she would, that might be why she lied. She doesn't want to seem hypocritical.

Thanks.

No, I would never say "you lied", because I know that no matter what you lie about, it's difficult to hear those words...especially if you don't see them coming.

I'm gonna talk to her in about an hour when I get home. I'm gonna say "Mom, I need to talk to you about something", then I'm gonna continue with, "Before I start, I want you to know that I know you went to Vegas, alone with him", & if you feel comfortable enough telling me, I would like to know why you feel the need to lie about this repeatedly".

Depending on her reasons, I'll continue from there. I never yell or get argumentative in conversations with anyone. I'm pretty calm overall. Even when I'm upset, I might cry, but my tone never changes.

I know she won't get mad at me. Only thing I'm afraid of is making her overly upset.

She's been a single mother for over 10 years, and she's done a great job raising us. She works really hard & tries her best to be a mother & a father.

I don't want to make her feel like I don't appreciate anything else she does, simply because I'm calling her out on this 1 thing.

Would she object to you taking a trip to Vegas alone with your bf? If she would, that might be why she lied. She doesn't want to seem hypocritical.

Nope.

I've taken a trip to Vegas before with a bf, & I've been open & honest with it. I've even told her what hotel we're staying out, just to be safe.

That's the issue here. If I was a child, I would assume, "Ok, she doesn't want me to think that it's ok to go on a trip alone with a bf", but she knows I've done that, she knows I'm sexually active, she knows I'm not judgmental about her or her relationships.

Nope.

 

I've taken a trip to Vegas before with a bf, & I've been open & honest with it. I've even told her what hotel we're staying out, just to be safe.

 

That's the issue here. If I was a child, I would assume, "Ok, she doesn't want me to think that it's ok to go on a trip alone with a bf", but she knows I've done that, she knows I'm sexually active, she knows I'm not judgmental about her or her relationships.

Hmmm. I have no idea then. I guess the only one that knows is her. Good luck with your talk, and just stay calm and non-accusatory like you plan and she just might explain herself.

Hmmm. I have no idea then. I guess the only one that knows is her. Good luck with your talk, and just stay calm and non-accusatory like you plan and she just might explain herself.

Thanks, I hope so.

She's just so sensitive, & I've always felt responsible for making sure she doesn't break.

This is the first time I've ever really had to confront her about something she's done, & I want to make sure I approach the situation with care. I don't want to cause any permanent damage.

^^^maybe laugh a little about it while you're asking her so the tone doesn't seem so serious.

she may be ashamed that she is this old and going to vegas like she's still 23 or something

she may be ashamed that she is this old and going to vegas like she's still 23 or something

Well, she's only 44, and her bf's 50. They aren't too old to be wanting to spend alone time together.

I just feel like it's the sexual aspect of the vacation that she's hiding. She said "I'm going with my coworkers & we're gonna be staying in a cabin". It's as if she was trying to say, "I'm not gonna be alone with him, there's gonna be other people around".

If it was the location that was a problem, she could have said, "We are going to ___ alone".

yeah. she's probably hitting the strip clubs and burlesque bars.. lol.. getting lapdances and living it up. heehee.

i wouldnt be very upset, sounds like she is just embarrassed.

yeah. she's probably hitting the strip clubs and burlesque bars.. lol.. getting lapdances and living it up. heehee.

i wouldnt be very upset, sounds like she is just embarrassed.

Oh God ](*,)

It's mind-&%*$ing enough to see the new sexy lingerie that appeared in her drawers after this vacation

UPDATE

So I spoke to her, & it didn't go as well as I had planned.

As soon as I sat her down & said, "First of all, I don't want you to think that I'm attacking you in any way or accusing you of anything...I just simply want to ask you why you feel you can't be honest with me", she asked what I was referring to, & I said, "I know that you were at Vegas with _ alone, which is perfectly fine, but why did you feel that you couldn't tell me that?"

She automatically got defensive & started saying how I'm her child & it's not my business to know her whereabouts. She has no obligation to answer to me. She "can't believe I'm trying to control her" & I'm "acting like I'm her husband".

I remained calm & explained to her that it had nothing to do with control, but that it just hurt me to think that she can't be honest with me, especially when we're so close. She wouldn't stick to the topic, & just kept turning the tables on me telling me how I'm trying to control her & she doesn't need to answer anything.

I just got up from the table & said "Ok mom, I'm sorry I ever mentioned anything". She left the house a few minutes later to go run some errands, & I called my grandma to talk to her, since she knows my mom better than anyone. She told me that it's useless to try to talk to her because even as a child, she would automatically get into defense mode. Now that she's been through so much (divorce, my dad's death, bad relationships), it's gotten worse. She told me that she completely understood why I was feeling this way, & that she was proud of me for handling it the way I did.

I don't know...now we're not really talking. We've been kind of avoiding each other pretty much, & it really hurts cuz I can't do the whole silent treatment thing, but I know that she's just gonna stick to her story & there's no use.

I don't know what to do. Do I drop it? Do I just wait it out & see if she'll approach me about it? Do I approach her?

I didn't mean for it to go this way...

i vote 'drop it'

i can understand why you are upset but maybe it really is true... a lady must have her secrets.

^^ yep. I wouldn't bring it up again.

i would drop it, as a 22yr old that doesnt live at home, even though my parents and I are pretty close, I have went places out of town for a weekend without actually telling them exactly where I was going or even telling them I was going somewhere else, for safety reasons I obviously do tell my bestfriend exactly where Im going (she would kno and be able to tell my parents if anything was to happen)

If they were to ever question me on why I didnt tell them where I was going, I would say "I didnt think I HAD to"

its a personal choice to disclose such topics with your children or parents...at 44, if I asked my mom or dad why they didnt tell me where they were going they would both laugh and think I was jokin by asking such question

I understand that your frustration comes from caring about you and your moms strong relationship but you have to understand an individual has to have things that are theres and theres only, such as secrets..maybe they were going to do something "DARING" and didnt want to have to tell you what it was...