Daughter Says I'm a Terrible Mom

I have written before about my daughter (age 19) who tells me from time to time how terrible a mother I have been. She claims I was not a good mother during her high school years because she was allowed to do what she wanted and she feels she "raised herself."

Okay, I am the kind of person who likes to respect and acknowledge what others say... but honestly, when I think back, I remember busting up a beer party single-handedly where kids could have been raped or killed by falling drunk into a swimming pool. Is that a mother who doesn't care? Yes, she wanted freedoms (going to music shows from around 8 to 10 pm) at a young age (14 or 15), but I would call the places or stop by to make sure there would be supervision and no drinking, etc. Then I would drive her there and pick her up. I could go on and on, but the point is, her memories are very different from mine.

Mind you, I have tried to do everything I could within my power to make her life good... I won't list them all here, but I have made her friends feel welcome in our home, and I have made sure she has what she needs to be healthy and happy-- as much as I could. I have tried to show her my love in many ways.

I think she has always needed a lot of my attention. For instance, when i would buy things for my nephews (younger than her) or take them places (she was always invited and usually joined us), she would say I was spoiling them.

I left her dad when she was in 8th grade for a number of reasons. Soon after I started dating someone, but he lived five hours away and we saw each other maybe once every six weeks for the first three years. We are now engaged. She hated him at first, but has grown to like him very much. I did not go out with friends except maybe once a month. Basically, I worked a job and was home when she got home from school, or to drive her to work and pick her up.

Anyway, she is leaving for school (sophomore in college) in two days. I have been helping her prepare and we spent a day together doing simple things after I cancelled a day at the spa because of her "never can be satisifed" attitude (my opinion). I also took her to a concert (we went together) and we stayed overnight, had a nice dinner, two weeks ago.

Yesterday she got talking about her terrible childhood again. It is SO DEPRESSING for me to think she feels I was a horrible mother. Believe me, I think I was a good mother!!!! Okay, not perfect, but I was always there for her. It feels like all of my love and efforts are for absolutely nothing.

What do I do with this situation? I told her yesterday that it seems like it doesn't do any good to talk about her high school days, because we have such vastly different memories and those talks just crash and burn.

It is crushing. She seems chipper today but it is so hard for me to pull myself up again after being slammed like that. All I can say is that it's like you put your heart and soul into something (your greatest passion or most important role) for many years, and suddenly someone tells you that you sucked at it.

Can anybody help me? Mothers or daughters or anybody?

Ah I've been guilty of calling my mother a terrible mother and blowing issues in the past out of proportion.

Shes grown up healthy and well balanced, well fed, well clothed hasnt she? Thats more than a heck of a lot kids get.

Im sure you've been a great mother, infact, the fact you care enough to post here about it shows your a wonderful mother.

Just ignore it as best you can and try and remind her of all the good things you did for her as well.

I know it hurts, but I never mean it when I say stuff like that to my mum. chances are when she gets older, has her own kids, she'll see what it was like and value you even more.

That's the weird thing, Blue. She says all those terribly hurtful things, then she starts clinging to me (literally) for the next day or two........ thanks so much for your reassurance. i am so relieved to hear your perspective........

should i let on how hurt i am? it's hard to hide it.

My sister, and my mother I believe have a similar relationship. But they are currently going through it, she's just turned 16. My mum does her very best for her, gets her job interview, pays for getting her hair done, shopping just to make her happy. My sister was a...good girl at about 12-13 years of age, recently about 15, she started going out with a 21 year old, started drinking, smoking, not coming home for days, and it really got to my parents, especially my mum. It's like my sister has a switch personality, and I think that one day, like your daughter, she'll come to realise everything my mum, you do for them.

Thanks, bobby. Luckily, my daughter has excellent grades, she does not drink or smoke, and she isn't into drugs. She has wonderful, awesome friends. So I count my blessings for that.

Do you guys think it's healthy for me to let her go on about this stuff? Or should I put a stop to it, and kind of "agree to disagree"? I can acknowledge that she FEELS the way she does, but I can't acknowledge the specifics of her memories. For instance, she says I was not her top priority-- so I can acknowledge she felt that way, but believe me, she WAS my top priority.

Its just her age. Fight her on it. But don't take it personal, its just the age: when she gets older, she'll appreciate you.

Do you guys think it's healthy for me to let her go on about this stuff? Or should I put a stop to it, and kind of "agree to disagree"? I can acknowledge that she FEELS the way she does, but I can't acknowledge the specifics of her memories. For instance, she says I was not her top priority-- so I can acknowledge she felt that way, but believe me, she WAS my top priority.

Well. Just correct her when shes wrong, be ike 'No actually I did do this...shown by...' and back it up with an incident or event where you've been there for her.

My mum always says when I hurt her that shes hurt, she'll be like 'You can say some very hurtful things' Then I feel really bad and say im sorry and didnt mean them

Shes just lashing out, maybe for the attention, she certainly wont mean them.

I think she may be a bit attached to you and afraid about going back to college, so she is somewhat lashing out at you, and yet clinging to you.

Thanks, bobby. Luckily, my daughter has excellent grades, she does not drink or smoke, and she isn't into drugs. She has wonderful, awesome friends. So I count my blessings for that.

This is the most important thing, because it shows objectively that what you say is true and what she says when in one of her mood isn't. You clearly have done a good job with her, and she is the living evidence of it.

Sometimes children want firmer boundaries set by parents in order to absolve themselves of responsibility for a while, and that's fine while they're growing-up. It sounds as though this is what she is belatedly saying she was missing. On the other hand, though, she is now much better equipped to handle the adult world as a result of having to exercise responsibility for her actions during her recent teenage years, so it will be beneficial.

She will come round in time, I promise you.

Some kids go thru this spell where nothing mom does is right. They see everything thru a jaded lens.

If you truly feel you were a good mom then i bet she will see the light at some point. These are phases all parents go thru.

Take it from someone near your daughters age, I been there. Early 20s here. I wish I had a mom like you. My mom thats a terrible mother, shes stupid beyond all levels. Right now my sister has a DUI and she tells my dad to pay for the registration because if she drives with the tags paid she may not get pulled over. Stupidness shes done so much other things like not pay attention, not care where we go, not ask questions etc. Just basically doing what we want, I HAD TO RAISE MYSELF. If I didn't I would of ended up a screw up! So your daughter will thank you, maybe not now, but for sure in at least 10 years she will. She just doesn't know how other people were raised whos parents just really didn't care what they did. Your daughter saying your a terrible mother is really wrong. You should tell her the consequences that many girls end up facing because of bad parenting.

She needs you to be strong for her now. That's all.

Her life is changing in a big way, so who is going to get the brunt of that stress and confusion?! Right, the people she loves the most.

She's scared. And she's a young woman. So she's got a different way of letting you know - wordy and with points to illustrate all the reasons to herself why it is ok for her to be scared (you didn't prepare her right, this didn't happen, blah blah).

All you gotta do is be there as her rock through this time and you bet she will remember it.

So long as you recognize the guilt trip for what it is, and don't feed into that sort of thing, she'll be fine.

I know moms always want going away time to be spoiling, happy time but for daughters that's when we most want structure. It helps to make you feel secure knowing your mom has your back and believes in you and that you can do what it is you are setting out to do.

It seems to be the age where the person growing into adulthood has to "declare" their independence from their parents. They have to become their own person without the umbilical cord. One of the ways to do this is to downgrade the importance of the person you are trying gain your independence from. Same happens in exiting some intimate relationships.

When I was 18, I thought that my father was doing everything wrong, did not know anything! When I hit 23 or so, he suddenly became really smart, in my eyes. He had not changed. I had just finished my search for independence and saw him from this new perspective.

I'm kind of surprised she's 19 and STILL doing it. I was in my "you're a terrible mother" stage from 14-17. Was she hurtful in highschool? Maybe she's just a late bloomer in the rebellious-teenaged-girl thing.

I was awful to my mom in high school. I told her she was a bad mother, that i hated her, all that. She always told me how hurtful it was.

Looking back, I can't believe I EVER said anything like that. I love my mom and she did a fantastic job raising me and from the sounds of it, you did a great job raising her. You were there for her, you provided, you love her. Can't really get much better than that=)

I think it's just a phase.

There's an old saying "the older we get, the smarter our parents become". From what you've said it sounds like you're a good mom, and she will come to realize that at some point. Kids at that age are just really self absorbed and think the world should revolve around them. I think when she says things like that you could just say "I did the very best I could, and I'm truly sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. Don't get dragged into a debate with her about it, because it will only make you both defensive. You know that you did your best and that's what matters. She'll come around.

"I did the very best I could, and I'm truly sorry you feel that way" .

my mom said this exact thing to me and it made me feel REALLY bad for saying it to her.

Okay, so I have a different take on all this that might be of help ... you know, I have often thought that my mom didn't do a very good job of raising me. Of course, Social Services was involved and eventually we were removed from the home... so in this one case, my feelings are probably justified... But let me just say this:

It's easy for us to look back on our lives or the lives of someone else and wish we could have done something differently. She is looking back over her life and thinking the grass would have been greener if only you would have done this ... or that ... Furthermore, it's difficult to realize what we DO have because we often take people (including those we love) for granted. I think your daughter has forgotten what she DOES have ...

Perhaps you could sit her down and point out a few things that she seems to have forgotten. Perhaps you could take her out to lunch and tell her that the things she has been saying to you has hurt your feelings. But tell her in a positive way...

Remind her that no matter WHAT she feels you didn't do, you did do the following:

1) You LOVE her. You've never stopped trying to love her. There's no magical book that tells you how to be a great parent. But one thing she's never gone without, no matter what she thinks, is love.

2) You want the best for her. No matter what, tell her how proud of her you are. Tell her that you're PROUD of the person she's become. You must have done *something* right for her to turn out as well as she has ...

3) You are human. You make mistakes. She makes mistakes. Every day is a new day and a chance to improve and strengthen your friendship and mother-daughter relationship.

4) Finally, tell her that no matter what has happened, you'll be there for her. You'll do the best you can and she'll have to accept the fact that you're both going to mess up along the way. You're both going to get mad at one another and say some terrible things. But tell her that saying mean things to you about her childhood now makes you feel sad because of how hard you try to make her happy, even if you don't always do the things she wants.

I personally think she's feeling insecure about herself right now and is expressing her frustration by projecting... Projecting is where someone will take their own insecurities and will blame someone else for them. Hopefully this time will pass ... Just give her some time to be thankful for you again.

Believe me, I wish I had someone as warm, loving, and wonderful as you when I was growing up.

Good luck.

Great advice everyone!

I think your daughter is definitely seeing through a tinted lens now. She's not capable of seeing outside of her own world. You sound like a very caring and accommodating mother, which is wonderful for a child who understands and respects it, but can be trouble otherwise. It seems like your daughter has some strong emotions about her childhood, and though its misdirected, its something you'll both have to take on.

If you accept blame for her troubles then she can pile them up on you... but honestly, and I think there are hundreds of people on this website that can attest to this... her childhood is not an uncommon story... and there are many, many worse stories floating around this site. The very fact that she has a caring parent who looks after her and bothers to try and keep her safe is something to be happy about.

You might try to hear her out about the things that she feels upset about. Ask her not to place blame, but rather to just talk about the things that caused her to feel bad about her childhood. Then you can go through them and explain to her how that sort of thing isn't YOUR fault, but is a hard part of life. I don't know the details, but I imagine she's had it pretty good all in all.

Accepting blame or giving pity will only fuel this type of behavior and this way of thinking. She needs to stop being a victim of her childhood and figure out a way to positively grow from her troubles and how to see things in a way that will help her become a stronger person.

Hopefully one day she will understand what you've sacrificed to give her the life she has now. Until then, if she pulls this card on you feel free to stand up for yourself. You've dedicated your very existence to her from the moment she was born... she's being ungrateful and incredibly rude for trying to make you feel bad about doing everything you could for her. She needs a wake up call.

(Sorry if this is a little more harsh than the others comments, but it makes me angry when I see someone who has done so much and is treated poorly...)

-Rising

" Accepting blame or giving pity will only fuel this type of behavior and this way of thinking. She needs to stop being a victim of her childhood and figure out a way to positively grow from her troubles and how to see things in a way that will help her become a stronger person. "

LOVE it ... well said.

I would love to thank each of you individually, but I will just give a huge THANK YOU to everyone-- your thoughts were incredibly helpful and insightful. I feel much stronger now.

The weird thing is, last night she was crying a little and telling me that she feels she was partly to blame for not "letting me" be her mom because she had some anger over the divorce, etc. Although I am still baffled about how I wasn't "her mom," I think that was a step in looking at herself as part of the big picture.

So thanks, everyone, for sharing your wisdom!!!!

Give it few years, she sounds like she has a mother that really cares and raised her to be a responsible adult. Which honestly is not exactly common any more these days. I'd pat yourself on the back, I'm sure you'll get that one phone call and she'll tell you the exact opposite how much you've done for her

Like I said, its just something kids say. She will grow out of it...by the time she's 26, she'll be begging for advice. And when she has a baby, you will be a diety of sorts.

Divorce is hard and people will shift around blame a lot...just be there for her as you have been...and don't feel bad when she says those things, they aren't true.

It just sounds like you care. Consider the "teen" part of being nineteen. She's almost required to tell you you're awful. One day, most likely when she is a mom herself, she will look back and regret those comments. As for now she thinks she's right, mostly because she is 19.

Keep in mind that TOO MANY of today's parents let kids do what they want, when they want and how they want. That alone explains why we've got kids in jail, kids pregnant in there early teens, kids being raped, addicted to drugs and alcohol. You were in the right to protect her. You're a mother.

Know deep down she loves you and you did right.