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  1. #1
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    My boyfriend never compliments me. Is this bad?

    I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. We hit it off right away and at the beginning, he said he was "crushed out" on me. We usually email everyday and see eachother on the weekends. We don't normally talk on the phone a lot but since we remain in contact through email, I think that is ok. But back to the point - I got my hair done last week and wore something really nice to his house. He made no comment about my hair or my outfit and I really wanted him to say at least something about it. He knew I hadn't gotten my hair done in awhile and I was VERY excited about this appointment. We went out to dinner that night and a lot of guys were smiling and starring and he couldn't even tell me I look nice. I know I should have let it go, but it was bothering me so I asked him about it. He said that he just is not that type of guy and will only give "sincere" compliments - which I agree with, but come on! It sucks when I'm at a bar and a guy approaches him and says "your girlfriend is really pretty" to which he replies "yes, she is." and doesn't say it directly to me. Am I making too big a deal out of this? Should I let it go? I'm secure enough in myself that I know I look good at certain times, but it would be nice to hear sometimes.
    We also plan on moving in together in the Spring. So this relationship is pretty serious. And we do say the "I love you's"

    Help! I may be making this out to be a bigger deal than it is. Any advice or support is much appreciated!

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  3. #2
    Platinum Member Honey Pumpkin's Avatar
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    I can understand this - I have quite low self-esteem, and I fret easily. So if I've had my hair done, I usually give bloke the heads up before I go and afterwards: sort of jokey but serious (tomorrow if you value a peaceful life say something nice about my hair!), and he always does... Mind you, he's pretty good about compliments anyway. I think he's figured out that's the way to a happier me, which = more sex for him. But on the other hand, I don't think it's that big a deal, because sometimes people communicate differently.

    There's this quiz that you might want to have a look at, about whether you feel loved:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/c...eelloved.shtml

    "Sometimes the way someone shows love is not what makes their partner feel loved. For example, one person may show love by looking after their partner's practical needs, when what the partner longs for is a hug and tender words."
    “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake…”
    (Francis Bacon, 1561 – 1626)

  4. #3
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    He knows it would make you happy, yet he makes no effort. Hmm... Giving a compliment isn't hard. It doesn't cost money or require sacrifice. I wonder how he would respond to you needing something that did require a bit of effort on his part?

    The sincere part I understand too. But you're not asking him to lie. Obviously he's attracted to you since he's with you. So why can't he vocalise that?

    I have a kinda-similar problem with my bf. Well, it's not really a problem.. But he gives plenty of compliments on the way I look, and no compliments on other things... my personality, my company, my strength, my dedication to him, my ambition....

    Does your bf give compliments about things other than your looks?

  5. #4
    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    How long have you two been together? Everything else pretty good besides he doesn't get the idea that a partner should bring up (compliment) their partner?

    Your thread made me flash back..... I had pretty much the same situation with hair being highlighted and my bf not saying anything.

    I finally kinda called him out on it, nicely. "So what do you think my hair looks good? You're not going to say anything about it?" No response. I asked again later and he said:
    "Your friend Lisa already told you it looks good. What will me telling you do? Make your head blow up even more....."

    He never did say "You're hair looks great."

    My now ex acted quite insecure often. I have to give kudos to your guy for sitting calmly when other men come up and say "your gf is beautiful."
    Never make someone your priority when they only make you their option.
    Never waste time on someone not willing to waste or share time with you.
    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    Albert Einstein

    Wonder of these days.... how do they sleep at night? How? Is there something I'm missing? In search of. . . . understanding I guess.

  6. #5
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    He really doesn't

    compliment me in other areas either, now that I think about it. I just don't know. Our relationship is really good in other ways. We are constantly making the other person laugh, we say I love you to each other. I guess I'm just nervous thinking about moving in with him in the Spring if some of these things are bothering me. When I brought it up, he reacted as if I was telling him he was a bad boyfriend. That is not how I meant it at all.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    I think we need some words from the men on this forum.

    Does your bf express lots of love for you? Is he affectionate, etc? I ask because mine did none of those things and eventually I just felt like he must not have liked me at all.

    I have many male friends that have lots of sweet things to say and often. My ex just doesn't seem like he was capable and it become a huge problem.
    Never make someone your priority when they only make you their option.
    Never waste time on someone not willing to waste or share time with you.
    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    Albert Einstein

    Wonder of these days.... how do they sleep at night? How? Is there something I'm missing? In search of. . . . understanding I guess.

  8. #7
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    What follows is an edited version of a post I put up some time ago about how to get someone to do things like this. Try it - it might work for you.

    When you want someone to do something, particularly when you are in a relationship with some one it is much better to get what you want or get them to do what you want by making it about you rather than them.

    When you talk about your relationship make sure you start by talking about the positive aspects as well as the negative, pay him compliments for what he did well. Then address the negative as problems to be solved by both of you working together to please each other rather than attack one another. No recriminations but a desire not to hurt again.

    My advice is to ask him to talk with you about the relationship Do not say, “We need to talk”. When guys hear that from girlfriends, they know what it really means is “I need to talk and you have to listen” and they run for the hills by either retreating into silence or start pushing back. So don’t do that.

    In general, if you say to someone: "You don't do (whatever)" this is perceived as an attack. But if you say, "When you do (whatever) it makes me feel good/wanted/warm and fuzzy/insert positive emotion of choice" then that is seen as a request for help - it is not an attack.

    So when you are talking to him about what you want do so in a way that is not seen as an attack but in a way that makes him want to please you.

    Think about the things that you want from him, what you want him to do for you, and phrase them in a way that he will not see as a criticism but as a request. Don’t say, in effect: “you are a bad boyfriend because you don’t do this, or you do that!!” because that will cause him pain and he will react with anger. Instead, say, “I feel lonely and hurt when you say that (or do that)” That way you are not so much attacking him as asking him to help you by not hurting you.

    Remember that if you push someone, physically or emotionally they will either withdraw from you or push back. So don’t do that.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jetta's Avatar
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    To me this is a big deal. You're early into the relationship, break up now before you end up getting more attached. Really. He's not the right guy for you. My ex husband told me I was beautiful often (which I never really believed, but still it's nice to hear). Compliments are necessary for a healthy,fulfilling relationship.
    "Reality is what won't go away when you stop believing in it."
    -Phillip K*

    "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
    -Carl Jung

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Jayar's Avatar
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    In my experience, anyone I ever dated that didn't compliment me simply wasn't into me. The relationships always ended, usually because I got sick of feeling like the only person I wasn't impressing was my BF...

    It's something you can overlook, but honestly with so many guys in the world that WILL compliment you, why bother with one that makes you feel undervalued?

    Especially after just 5 months...
    Jayar

  11. #10
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    The funny thing is, when he is drunk he is as sweet as a lamb and tells me I'm gorgeous and really hot and he doesn't know how he got a girl like me. So I know he has it in him.

    My ex husband told me I was beautiful all the time and he ended up cheating on me and getting another girl pregnant.

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