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Thread: how do you start all over again?

  1. #1
    teacup's Avatar
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    how do you start all over again?

    i am faced with starting all over again from the bottom. im completely wiped out. devastated of my soul and identity. i have lost everything. how do i begin again? what do i do? what steps do i take?

    after a 6 year abusive relationship which left me with nothing but pain and wounds. i have no friends, no money, a rotten gpa, no school, no boyfriend, memories of abuse, no identity, dont remember who i am, no selfesteem, no resume, no work experience, i have nothing, i am nothing. i feel like a loser. it is the worst feeling in the world.

    if someone could help list steps......what do i need to do do be a winner again? is it too late? do i have any hope? what steps can i take to rebuild? i really am starting from minus and negatives. not even from zero. sometimes i just want to die and give up.

    i feel like one of those battered women u read about. but i refuse to be his victim anymore. i want a life but i have no life.

    help.

  2. #2
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    Hi teacup,

    Can I ask how old you are? Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable disclosing.

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    teacup's Avatar
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    im 25. completely wiped out at this age.

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    OK. I guess I have to say I have not been at a point in my life where I have felt like you do now. I've had some down times but I've always been able to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

    So maybe you need to do some mental exercises to start.

    Try an define some "light" for yourself. Even if they are just little things to begin with, try and get some stuff into the positive side of the ledger.

    An exercise I sometimes give patients is like a metaphorical goodbye to their past. It doesn't make the problems go away but it can give you a more positive mental outlook.

    Pack all your baggage into a bag, I mean absolutely everything. Find a narrow bridge over a deep canyon. Walk slowly out to the middle of the bridge. Take your time. As you go release your baggage over the side, one by one, every last peice of it. Make sure it is all gone before you reach the other side. Leave it there.

    The idea is you need to clear your mind as much as possible because what is there is holding you back. To do this exercise you need a quiet place where you are comfortable and a fair amount of time. You have to be thorough.

    Then you have to go back to your definition of "light" and start to make it a whole lot bigger. That is now your focus. Not the past.

    These are tricks of the mind but you will be surprised how they can work for some people.

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    thank you Malrich... this advice is something i will try for myself.
    skippy

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    Platinum Member PocoDiablo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    after a 6 year abusive relationship which left me with nothing but pain and wounds.
    In no way am I trying to trivialize abuse, but this is like learning to ride a bike. You fall, you get hurt, but you have to learn what went wrong and get back up and try again.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    i have no friends
    Go out to an upscale bar once a week, maybe on a ladies night when drinks are cheap, at the same time every time and pretty soon you'll meet the bartender and other regulars. Make small talk until you find someone cool and similar interests. Have no more than 1 drink per hour (or whatever your limit is) so you stay sober.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no money
    Cut your expenses. Drop to a lower cell phone plan and ditch frills. Go to basic cable. Get rid of duplicate services (cell phone & home phone? Cancel one.) Turn your thermostat down a few degrees. Turn your water heater down a few degrees. Shop for sale items or at less expensive stores. Spending less = more money.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    a rotten gpa
    I flunked math 4 years in a row. Was on academic probation for a 1.67 GPA. Now I am a team leader for a government agency. GPA means nothing, the degree means everything. Remember, Einstein flunked math as well. Maybe it's too boring, too easy for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no school
    Maybe go to a community college?

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no boyfriend
    Gah! Single?!?!? Time for yourself? Run away, run away! (Just kidding!) Really, this just means you have time to figure out what you want in a boyfriend.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    memories of abuse
    Welcome to the club. It happens to the best of us. You can grow through it, but it will take time and friendship.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no identity, dont remember who i am
    Re-make yourself. This is a perfect opportunity to become someone you've always wanted to be. Buy some new clothes, cut your hair, get some new cool lamps. Try a new drink of some sort. Eat somewhere new.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no selfesteem
    Also known as self-confidence. This comes with practice.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no resume
    Try a professional resume service, they worked wonders for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    no work experience
    Lots of places hire without experience. I worked in a pizza place, they made me a manager after a few years. I went from there.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    i have nothing, i am nothing. i feel like a loser. it is the worst feeling in the world.
    You have yourself and you have a desire to grow, which is why you are here asking for help. I've clearly seen it - you have a insatiable thirst for knowledge. It's awesome. You are soaking up as much information as you can. It's like watering a seed. Pretty soon you'll bloom into a nice flower.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    if someone could help list steps......what do i need to do do be a winner again?
    Consider reading books, such as Dale Carnegies "How to win friends and influence people" which is a timeless classic. It was written a LONG time ago and has some very sage advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    is it too late?
    You're 25. I started when I was 33. I'm doing great now, so I think it's clearly not too late. In fact, I think you've got a head start on me!

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    do i have any hope? what steps can i take to rebuild? i really am starting from minus and negatives.
    Learn from people who are smarter and more experienced from you. Watch what they do, then try to do the same things for you if you think they would work.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    sometimes i just want to die and give up.
    You wouldn't believe what you'll miss. I am absolutely amazed at the things that have happened to me. Never in a million years could I have ever guessed the wonderful things that occur.

    Quote Originally Posted by teacup
    i feel like one of those battered women u read about. but i refuse to be his victim anymore. i want a life but i have no life.
    Get out of the house. Get a part time job someplace trendy, like a Starbucks or someplace you'll meet lots of people but not have to go out with them.
    Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

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    I cant say ive been in as bad a situation as u, but it was close. You know what you do. You get up and start rebuilding everything, from scratch. Because your doing it from scratch, all over again, learn from your mistakes and do everything how you want to do it. Move away, a fresh start is always good. Get a new job, start making new friends... Close the door on your past, dont let it mix with ur present and your future. Its hard, but you've got to do it. Do everything for yourself and nobody else! Dont let anyone ruin your life, your self esteem, your confidence in yourself your everything. Show them and yourself how strong you are. Your 25, you've got your whole life ahead of you. When u manage to get through this you'll be so proud of yourself, I am of me, and you'll be a stronger and better person. I know the latter sounds corny but its true. It will take time, but it will get better. You think it wont but it will and when it does you start to appreciate life and everything it has to offer so much more. Good luck.

  9. #8
    teacup's Avatar
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    thanks.......im listening to all of this........i really am.....

    i am sooooooo bored. my life is sooooooooo boring. i need to play with fire or something. Zzzzzzzz......
    Last edited by teacup; 11-15-2005 at 11:09 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
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    Thanks for the S.O.S.. PM.. lol.. and you are welcome to PM me anytime.

    i
    am faced with starting all over again from the bottom. im completely wiped out. devastated of my soul and identity. i have lost everything. how do i begin again? what do i do? what steps do i take?
    Teacup..the greatest thing about the human species is that we are addaptable, have resiliance, persevere and we overcome.. huge, huge obstacles. One of the first things you need to do... is look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you. And smile. All is not lost.. you got up this morning.. you were breathing. You had a warm bed to sleep in.. hopefully a warm cup of coffee and you flipped on this computer. AWESOME. You are way way ahead of the game. Count yourself blessed.

    According to your email you are looking for a whole new make over. Top down. Inside out. Thats a tall order... and lotz of work. A project!!! and it takes time, will, and perseverance. Standing at the bottom of the mountain.. and willing to do a little mount everest climbing.

    Well... where to start? Look up Maslows Hierarchy of needs. Start at the bottom....

    • Food, clothing, shelter, health - these are things you need for survival. Do you have a roof over your head? Enough to eat.. clothing? health... just look to the bare minimum. Is it secure.. meaning that this standard will be there for a while? What in this area do you want to improve. We all want a nicer place to live and better living standards. That why we work so hard at the career to be able to climb to the next standard of where we want to be. As long as this area is secure enough. You have the time and energy to devote to goals on how to better it. Don't know what your personal situation is... are you on your own?? living at home with parents?? If you are on your own... and need to secure funds say for an education.... then get a room mate. Or find a living situation that will allow you that lattitude. So you move back home again... big deal. Work it with your parents, tell them what your goal is and I'm sure they will be willing to help out. You give up a little bit of freedom, yes.. but you don't get anything for free... everything in life is a trade off.
    • Safety-health: You need to live in a safe place to be able to work your goals. you need to be healthy mentally and phsyically. So on the health side, look at your life-style and making life-style changes. Make sure you are eating and excerising. Give up those fast foods for something more economical. Helps your income and its good for you. Opt for going for walks helps you clear your head and think clearly.. make better decisions.
    • Belonginng and love: You don't necessarily need a significant other to make you whole. Having acceptance by friends and family can be enough to help build esteem. Having a cheer leading crowd to help you climb that mountain. You'll falter, yes, and things happen... but these people just being there to tell you its ok.. is a boost. And being there for them also helps. Gotta remember, you don't live in a bubble.. others are on this journey besides yourself. One hand helps another.
    There are a number of books out there on personal goal setting etc etc. CD's , self help gu-ru's. Each of them contain bits of information that just may stick to you. Get well aquinted with your local library... and dive right in. Get yourself a good NOTEBOOK.. and use it as your project management book.

    Name the project: Give it a name.. maybe just your own.
    Find an inspriational motto: Mine is.. "Improvise/addapt/overcome"

    Sit down and take a long hard look at yourself. Break it up into buckets.
    SELF... what are your good points. Be nice to yourself. Be kind. What are your good points. As a person.. inside. And out. And where do you see yourself in 5 years. Where do you see yourself in a year. Set small goals. Attainable goals. Like... for instance. One teeny thing I do for me is.. I read. So, I've set a goal for myself to read ONE classic a YEAR. I read tonz of other books from every genre.. but I give myself a goal to READ and break down ONE major Classic a year and I write myself a book report on it. As if it was something I needed to turn in. LOL. A self goal for myself..something small could be. I make it a point to smile and say hello to strangers. Use their name if they are wearing a name tag. A smile can be contagious.. and maybe its the one thing that lifts them for the day. When all else fails with my personal goals.... such as, ok I gain a lb this week cause I ate that pint of ice-cream. I can still look back over the week and say .. all is not lost. I've done other things in my life this week that pick ME up.

    Look at your career goals. This is a toughy. What do you really really want to do with your life? If you are young, unattached and don't have little responsibilities.. (kids) the sky is the limit. You have the ability and will to move more freely. Think BIG. Its doable. Education is a biggie. I am a huge proponent of education. Life time education, not just formal education. I'm one of those that feels that education doesn't end in the class room or with that degree. The only thing that College does for you is teach you skills to be able to GATHER information. To be able to synthesis it and anaylize it. To problem solve and to think. So... go back to school. Get a student loan. Get hungry for learning. Its not easy.. its a climb. Its juggling your life.. while trying to work toward something. You'll make exchanges. You'll give up free time to be able to attend class.. you'll give up free time to study. But its well worth it. Getting a formal education gives you another key... it can "help" open doors for you. Give you more options. Don't make the mistake of thinking its an automatic IN. Its not. But it does help open more avenues.. create more roads for you to try to access. Without it.. those roads are just a bunch of detours and toll booths you find closed off to you.

    Work: well while you are concentrating on getting an education.. try to get yourself a job you can live with. Hopefully its something you like doing. Getting a job is not easy in this economy. So be flexible. Look at all avenues.. use the TEMP agencies to help you land. Lots of these employment agencies work with people like you everyday. And they can help you get an assessment of your skill sets. What skills do you possess today that can land you a half way decent job. Your goal isn't necesarrily to be working at your IDEAL ... but hopefully its in near the same field that you want to work towards. Lets say.. you choose the HEALTH FIELD for your college studies.. you want a nursing career. OK.. start small, find a job at a nursing home.. or a local hosipital. Where you will not make as much money. But you will be rubbing elbows with people who do the work.. that you one day want to do. And get inspired by them. Learn from them.
    --------------------

    after a 6 year abusive relationship which left me with nothing but pain and wounds. i have no friends, no money, a rotten gpa, no school, no boyfriend, memories of abuse, no identity, dont remember who i am, no selfesteem, no resume, no work experience, i have nothing, i am nothing. i feel like a loser. it is the worst feeling in the world.
    I hear you. And you are asking for a tall order here. I think that this is a feeling that many people will get a few times in their lives. Teen years, trying to figure it out. 20's.. Again trying to figure it out and re-set goals. late 30's -40's...... re-assessing where we are in life.. and seeing if we hit our marks. Many call it a mid-life crisis. I call it re-assessment. Kind of like being in a submarine and putting that scope up out of the water and saying.. "where the heck am I".. yikes.. I'm lost.

    The abuse. If its stuff that happened to you as a kid. Well, somehow you've gotta find a way to jump over that fence. Its over. Its done. What have you learned. And find ways to get over it and past it. These things lead into adulthood...and you find yourself in abusive relationships. Each person is different and handles it differently. I suggest counseling to help you talk through it and find yourself through the woods. Find the skill set to set boundaries on yourself and others.. of what is acceptable to you and what is not... what you allow into your life.. and what you put out. We are all guilty of blaming our present circumstances on STUFF that happens to us. But what makes us addaptable is the ability to improvise and Overcome.. the will to do it. And move on.

    Resumes: you can write. Its a living document. Go to the library. Find a skeleton of how to write a resume. And write it. Use it as a living document as you move along and figure out.. what and how to add to it.

    Friends: they come and go. As you move through your goals, education what have you.. you'll come across people in your life. Stop and smell the flowers. Not every flower is a rose. There is beauty in wild flowers. You just never know who may become a friend. Just be nice to people.. what you put out. You get back.

    And quit being so hard on yourself... I think of all these things you are asking for.. You need to love yourself first and formost. If you really looked at yourself and stopped being so self critical... you wouldn't feel like such a loser. Quit judging so harshly.

    I think it was in a former post that you'd said you like older men. And the maturity they bring to the table. It seems you may be looking for a male guide.. a father figure, someone to inspire and point you in the right direction.

    And.. I think that I may have spoken a bit to harshly on the gentleman in question. LOL. But those are MY FILTERS. At my age.. I will be looking at a whole different set of attributes and have had life experiences that will give me a whole different set of perceptions of what criteria is acceptable to me. And yes.. you can be an inspiration to someone out there who doesn't have the will on their own. You can be the rock of gibralter they need to find.. esteem and purpose in life. LOL. Just make sure you ground yourself... and you set your own sails and move along on your own steam. You can't be someone elses ROCK if you lack your own foundation. You'll both be adrift in a sea of..."what do we do? where do we go? whats it all about.. what is our purpose".

    Find your own purpose. Go the library and start reading. Get yourself a journal... and make yourself a priority. Explore all the possibilities. And keep reassessing those goals.. constantly. If you keep learning and keep growing.. then you won't find yourself in such a deep muck of despair... during these pit stops at the cross roads of life.

    And NOPE.. none of us has the steps. None of us has a road map. LOL. I wish I did... we all do. There is no perfect manual to this thing we call life. We all have our own little bag of tricks we grasp at to ground us... some people hold on to religion.. and the BIBLE..its an excellent guide, full of wisdom of those that have come before us. Others.. use other maps and guides.. its just what works for you. But of all of them.. I think a positive attitude.. and Love for yourself and others. These are truly the biggest keys to walking the journey.

    Sorry about the long post.. but.. You did ask.... lol.. and I felt verbose this morning. LOL. By the way... you make sure you stick around, because although I "think" I have a bead on my longitude and lattitude TODAY... I very well may be hitting you up for direction myself.

    We all get lost... or feel lost... lots of times. Its human. And as long as you are smart enough to stop and ASK for directions... Its all good.
    "Sit vis vobiscum."

    "nemo me impune lacessit"

    "Libera Te Ex Inferis"

    "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

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