catfeeder

Yep, I’ve worked that way forever, too, and, no, you were right to cc the partners so they could see that someone was reaching in to grab this and what was being offered. The exchange shows them the limits of what someone else can do for her. If she kept them on the cc, she also showed them her abruptness, which reflects on her and also supports any deficits you may encounter with her training. Enjoy your last days there, and allow this one to hang herself if she chooses to do so. No need to engage that or point it out to anyone. Just keep a running document of stuff you believe people should know once you’re gone so that this person isn’t your only avenue of contribution to knowledge transfer.

I agree, you can keep asking, but if you don’t even love the guy enough to mention that as your number one priority for wanting this to work, then why would you even want to put your love life on hold for him for 2 years? You could move for the job and meet the love of your life. You’d be free to spend the next 2 years working at a job you love without being tethered to someone you’re not even passionate about. These are years you will never get back to relive over again. If you want to spend them tied to someone who doesn’t even meet your criteria on a spreadsheet, you can do that, but if you don’t hold the emotional love for him to balance that out, what’s the point? Do you fear that this is the only man in the whole world who could ever love you?

I'm glad you wrote that you don't care what these people think, as that is the key thing that will help you through this. The friend is not a friend, and I'm so sorry he chose this way of showing himself to be disloyal. I'd distance myself from him, and I'd treat myself to a nice pedicure. I wouldn't complicate my own pain from the loss of this friend with concerns about the foot fetish. That harms nobody.

Depressed people are each as unique as anyone else. Some like to post dark stuff or announce to the world how depressed they feel or discuss how they are handling it. Others may feel no shame about it but don't necessarily want to broadcast about it, and still others want to hide it as a private matter or might even feel ashamed of it and try to project the opposite. Sometimes that's so people don't worry about them (as was my case), and especially after a major life event such as a separation, presenting a lifestyle of normalcy can feel comforting and prevent ostracization. We can't speak for her, but most people who are active on SM put on their best face.

I would gently break up, and no, I would not attempt to be friends. That's too messy and would interfere with the natural course of progression to new relationships for each of you. I understand there's nothing wrong with the guy, and the two of you are intelligent enough to have made this work in the future but for two crucial deal breakers. First, years of long distance, and second, despite all the kindness and niceness, you never said that you truly love this man. Lots of people get along well. That's great for neighbors and friends, but it doesn't make a strong enough foundation to overcome all of your incompatibilities with this man. Go work your great career, you've earned that. Hold out for love, you deserve that.

Yep, unaffected means the dart just wizzed right by you without any need to notice it. This can mean anything from a failure to respond to the point (as @boltnrun described above) or a polite reply to the remark without acknowledging the tone or intended insult (as I like to do by saying it's a great idea, only to leave a few mugs lying around later...) You could smile and change the subject to something you needed to tell her anyway, or just smile and walk away. The whole point is, she didn't provoke you, because you don't care.

You have no investment in her, so I'd just laugh inside and walk away. Your boundary is your upcoming exit. This girl's behavior reflects on her, not you, and I wouldn't dignify it as important enough to deal with, much less raise a confrontation about. The strongest boundary is sometimes to remain unaffected, and the perfect time to adopt this tactic is when you have no investment in the outcome. I have overplayed this on occasion by encouraging the douchebaggery. Saying something like, "That's a great idea, you may want to let everyone know..."

I'm with you. I'd say things like, "That's a good idea..." a lot and just put in my time to bypass this numpty. I would not try to be proactive about her training at all, and that takes a lot for me to say because I have a strong work ethic. But there is value in a peaceful exit, and this person is a minefield. I'd consider my rep to have been long established already. If these partners want this bozo to run her own show, I'd work on an instructional document to leave with her and cc the partners in the event that she pisses off so many people they need to ditch her. This covers you in case she proves too difficult to train. Head high, and float...

Sounds to me like this isn’t a person who will deal with you on practical matters. She’ll use your desire to work these details as a game to force you to grovel and acquiesce before she’ll respond, and she’ll continue to toy with you about them. Skip that. Nothing is worth dealing with her anymore. You finally did the smart thing, and it makes no sense to allow belongings to be used to blackmail you into submission. I’d change my locks so the keys are useless, and I’d file a small claim for a court to get your money back instead of attempting to deal with her. I’d bet money she won’t deal with you otherwise, she’ll just turn it into a circus to humiliate you without ever complying. Don’t save small court as a last resort— just go straight there, and hopefully when she’s served, she’ll comply rather than face a judge.

Yes, I agree with what you consider to be the real motivation for tagging another with an amateur diagnosis. I’m describing the responses when someone calls them out on that. They default to, “I’m just trying to figure them out so I can help them…” rather than cop to what you’ve said. But my answer to either and any scenario is to walk away from anyone who mistreats you. That’s the most ‘helpful’ message you can send to them, and leave THEIR diagnosis to professionals. Focus instead on healing your Self.

It would be worth it to change your locks and call it a day. Consider it the cost of tuition for the most important lesson you’ve ever learned.

Whenever we ask people why they are so invested in diagnosing those who mistreat them instead of simply walking away, they say that they want to help them. But the best way to help such a person is to walk away. You can’t fix her, so don’t use her as a distraction from fixing yourself and your willingness to put up with abuse. Step one is to walk away, and only then can you be productive in figuring out why you stayed as long as you did.

The stuff is replaceable, just send her half the deposit then block her. It's taken you a year to liberate yourself--don't sabotage that for anything.

Oh, geez. I forgot about this part. OP, you don't need 'closure' from something that was never opened. The woman likely enjoyed being a pen pal until she got invested in her own real life. That's not a reflection on you.

Good. It might be helpful to consider that, generally speaking, people who are willing hold off on sex while continuing to date are often well aware that there are so many important things to invest in learning about a person beyond their body. On top of that, everyone has their own preferences, and contrary to what gets hyped by the sex industry, plenty of women prefer that men aren't large. I hope you'll go easy on yourself and enjoy getting to know this woman without psyching yourself out.