STILL ANGRY! What to do??

[Marilou26]

Hello everyone,

 

My ex bf and I broke up one month ago ( even though it was vague), and it was a LDR.

In the relationship he suddenly started withdrawing and focused only on his work. When I wanted to talk about the relationship he never had time and ALWAYS had to go. I asked him 5 days ago if the break was permanent and he came up with a lame reason that I did not give him the space he needed and thereforeeee he did not want me back. Any way, I think he was just not into me anymore, and he was too much of a coward to say it straight into my face.

 

What makes me furious is that he NEVER responds to any of my messages/emails and phone calls, even though they are rare ( I hardly ever contact him I have contacted him to tell him kindly that I am hurt and would like to hear from him); I called him once to ask for closure and he waited 3 days to respond to me ( by email) and then said the above. I never got the chance to talk to him, and never had the change to rage. He always avoids talking about my feelings or the break up, and I really need to express my pain and anger. I cannot even express my pain because he does not respond, not even to an email! because he says he is so busy. I find this SO hurtful, and I feel pushed aside like TRASH! I have always treated him with respect, never used bad language and I have ALWAYS tried to give him what he needed. If he wants to break up, okay, I will accept that...but the WAY he does it pisses me off! He is 34 for God's sake! I mean: just pushing someone away...someone who has given you so much warmth and commitment..pfff..

 

Shall I leave a phone message saying what I really think of his treatment, and tell him I think he treated me like trash, that he needs to grow up and that I will never contact him again??

 

Where do I go with this anger? I just cannot let him treat me this way. I want him to hurt too and to know he treated me like crap!

 

Thanks....sorry for the rant..

[Marilou26]

I am sure that many people will say: live your life well, that is the ebst way for revenge..but that does not work for me right now. And unfortunately because it is LDR I cannot even see him and say it to him..this is SO frustrating...

 

It hurts most that I hurt, that he knows I hurt and just does not respond, and says he is so busy with work, he does not even have the time to care??

 

How can someone be so cold??

 

I want to tell him this, I need to get this out, my anger!

[Lovestragedies]

I wouldn't recommend continuing to contact him in order to make him aware of how badly he's treating you. You don't know for certain his reasons for not responding to your calls and whatnot. May I also point out that anger only brings us closer to people because of our tendency to dwell on the hurt it brings and the eventual guilt. Perhaps you should leave him well alone for the time being.

[SLBG]

Id write him a letter/email but NEVER send it.

 

Me and my ex broke up and so I decided to write her an email.

 

Just as I was about to hit the "send" button I changed my mind.

 

Kinda felt like Id got things off my chest, even though she will never get the chance to read my email.

[Marilou26]

Love strategies,

 

He says he is too busy right now, and I am sure he is. But how can he totally ignore my feelings? It really hurts after all I have given him.

I have not bombarded him with emails or anything, I have already quite much left him alone. It just hurts that he is so cold.

 

I think my ego is just hurt...perhaps I should just leave it alone.

I am just so disappointed in him.

[Marilou26]

Perhaps the best way to deal with my anger is just to never contact him again.

But it hurts because it seems he does not care, and thereforeeee it would have no impact on him...

[Marilou26]

Can moving on be a choice??

 

Can I choose not to be angry and to move on?

[SLBG]

Only you can choose that.

 

Its not a choice your ex can make.

[Marilou26]

I know how can I do that?

 

I want to wake up and not think of him anymore.

 

I want to be able to love myself again, to feel worthy.

[agent1607307371]

Yes. You can choose to distance yourself from the anger and move on.

 

Not contacting him and contacting him will not affect him, he has chosen to separate himself from you and all contacting will achieve is him being irritated and congratulating himself for the choice he's made.

But it will be the difference between separating yourself from your emotions and from making contact and making the anger fresh again when he does not respond.

 

A month is plenty of time to keep poking the wound. It's time to let it heal up. It'll take time, but less than if you keep it raw.

[SLBG]

I know how can I do that?

 

I want to wake up and not think of him anymore.

 

I want to be able to love myself again, to feel worthy.

 

Its not easy, I can totally relate to how you feel.

 

I wish I could wake up 2morrow and my ex be earsed from my mind.

 

She is the 1st and last person I think about when I wake up and fall asleep.

 

It does get easier, you just have to stay positive.

[thelonelydoll]

Oh, Marilou. I was angry, and eventually got over it, but now I'm angrier than ever! I would like to choose not to be angry, but finding more of my stuff that the ex destroyed last time he was here (also LDR) and NOT finding my own diamond earrings and vintage watch has gotten me enraged. I'm hoping that since I got past the first bout of anger, this one will pass more quickly, but right now, I just don't know... aarrgghh!!!!

 

Definitely go NC right away, and be very strict about it. Forget the impact on him - YOU will feel better. I made the mistake of not being as strict as I should have been, which is probably now making my anger worse!

[mxfun]

Quite simply, He is not into you! Anyone who loves a person does anything and everything to be with them, no matter what their schedule. You are beating yourself up wondering if there is still a chance..I don't believe there is!

 

You need to focus on yourself. He does not deserve you. He is NOT too busy. It's merely an excuse. The more you dwell on this, the more you will be hurting yourself. There is no point in trying to "make him" understand what his actions are doing to you. If he is not into you, he will just not care enough to understand.

 

Please let him go. Focus on healing yourself, so that someday, you will be able to give the right person your love; and he in return.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I've been there!

[Marilou26]

Thank you so much for your replies,

 

But if I do not show my anger, he thinks he can treat me this way and get away with it...what about my dignity? He can just hurt me and walk away with it??

 

He just does not seem to care. I asked for my things back and sent him his stuff already, and asked for my things back as soon as possible, so I can move on, forget about what we had, forget about him and have him out of my life. That is the last thing I said and I am glad that that is what I said.

He said he could not send it now since he was too busy.

I have not responded.

 

I will leave it at that.

 

He will receive his things soon, and he knows that I want to get over him, that I am angry and that I want him out of my life, since I have said it before. Perhaps that was enough: saying it once. It hurts never to have gotten a response, not even an apology.

 

Since I have not contacted him anymore, I am sure he knows I am for real.

I have always dealt with tact with him.

 

It hurts that whether I respond or not, he just does not seem to care.

 

So not responding is perhaps better, no? Then he knows I am really angry and that I am a great person for moving on without him...

 

It is just so hard not to let him know how I feel. I guess that is why I have you guys!

[Marilou26]

Mxfun,

 

I know he is not into me, and really I do not want him back. I have had it with him. I am just shocked that someone can be this cold. And damn..I am a nice girl, what did I do wrong? I have no answers, and that hurts. He gives no reason besides being busy, and it angers me. He never had the courage to say in my face he was not into me anymore. Thank God iIhave told him he was a coward when we broke up. He knows how I feel about him.

 

I want to move on and have him out of my life. I want to feel he is not worth it and that he is not even worth my anger. but my ego is just so hurt.

I want to FEEL I deserve someone better..I want to feel worthy. And he was not even this great, I know that there are sweeter guys who would really love me..but sometimes I feel all my self-confidence is lost, that no one will ever love me for who I really am...

How can I get over this ego-hurt? That he is thinking that he is so great, that he dumped me..? That he feels I am not worthy of his love, that hurts sooo bad. That he feels I am perhaps annoying..I mean: He really wanted me in the beginning..I do not KNOW what I did wrong?? What did I do wrong? Why is it suddenly over? Perhaps I was not that into him either, I sometimes think..I am so confused.

 

[agent1607307371]

Marilou - the best way to get over the ego hurt is to recognise that you are not defined by him and the way he treats you. Stop giving him so much power.

 

In regards to the dignity, when the hurt fades, think about how much you are going to regret having hung on so tight.

 

And maybe it was nothing you did. Maybe it really was just him.

[Honey Pumpkin]

But if I do not show my anger, he thinks he can treat me this way and get away with it...what about my dignity? He can just hurt me and walk away with it??

 

Pretty much. The BEST thing you can do is to delete him from your life. If you rant on to him, he'll just shrug his shoulders and say he's glad that you're out of his life, because you're a psycho. You will be glad in a year's time that you just let him go. Karma will bite him on the backside, but you won't. You have to find your own closure.

 

Write a letter, get it all out. Rant here, talk to your friends. I know it hurts, I know that he's a jerk. But...I don't think you're going to make him feel bad, you know? Not by confronting him. You are much much better off iwthout him - he's gutless, and that's a horrible trait in someone. And he hurts people.

 

I think when you break up with someone, you go through the same stages as grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance (not all at once, or in that order). The anger you're feeling is perfectly healthy and understandable, but focus on you and your life now. Channel your anger into making any changes you want to your life - sports/gym etc are great for working out these emotions!

 

And you know that the best revenge you can have is to live your life well. That if you remain angry and bitter with him, he's kind of winning, because you're still focused on him. I know it's easier to say than to do, but work out strategies to cope, take it day by day, and most of all - be kind to yourself!

 

Take care.

[1forthegipper]

The more anger, hurt, sadness you put out there for him the more power you give him. Redirect that energy to yourself and your own life and let life unfold as it may.... Your ex has chosen a path, a path that even he doesn't know where it leads and he's made a choice, a choice that he doesn't really know if it is the right one or not but in time it will be revealed to him.

 

You on the other hand have been handed a ticket of "Freedom" to live life as you wish and to find yourself and to find someone that DOES deserve you love. Be thankful that you didn't have this choice but you're learning from this difficult time in your life and bettering yourself. Your ex does not have this luxury and in time will have to live with the "what if's"....

 

All you can do is let go of him and hold on to yourself.....the more you hold on to him with your anger, hurt and sadness the more he will push away.....

 

Tha Gipp

[browneyedgirl36]

Marilou, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

I'm in agreement with the rest of the posters. Contacting him at this point isn't a good idea, for several reasons, the most important being that venting your anger on him will serve no purpose. He KNOWS you're angry - he HAS to -- who wouldn't be? He KNOWS he's been a jerk, and at this point, it appears that he doesn't care. You mentioned in your post that you're concerned that if you don't tell him how you feel, he'll think he can keep treating you that way, but Marilou, if you cut contact with him now, he won't be ABLE to treat you that way because you won't be in contact with him, thus you won't be allowing him to.

 

I know the temptation is great to rip into him and tell him how you feel, but honestly, sometimes silence is the best path to take. He has made it clear that he really doesn't want to hear from you, and I know that's hard, but contacting him yet again to set him straight is going to do nothing but make you look angry and unable to move on -- not that you should care how you look to him -- but cutting him out of your life by cutting off all contact will allow you to move on AND won't give him the satisfaction of saying to himself "Wow -- look how ANGRY she is. She's still TOTALLY into me." All that will do is totally boost his ego? Do you really want that?

 

I know it's hard. I've been going through a bit of this myself lately. Write a reply to him and post it here, and read peoples' responses to it -- that will help you a lot, I'll bet. And, start doing really nice things for yourself to work on feeling better about YOU -- pamper yourself, spend quality time with friends, read or listen to music or bake or do something else you enjoy, get lots of fresh air and exercise -- anything to take the focus off of HIM and put it back on YOU, where it belongs.

 

Keep posting here -- there are people who care and know exactly how you feel.

[itsallgrand]

Oh man. I'm sorry. I remember that raw anger, and that feeling of 'no matter what I do, I'm f/ked'.

 

It's one of those things that is simply not fair, not right, and can consume you if you let it.

 

I do think it is important, so that you can start to really process this and get to even wanting to get to the point of looking for forgiveness and closure inside, that you stop feeding the pain by contacting him in any way.

 

I got myself a journal - and have written nearly 30 letters to 'my ex, the offender' Also a whole lot of other writing.

That might help you, too.

 

And talk talk talk to your friends, and here. Sometimes we just need to get it out, and have certain points affirmed over and over.

 

One step at a time.

[Marilou26]

Thank you SO much dear people for telling me all this. I went for a long walk in the sun, and then I thought: oh well, he was a rebound anyway, lol. Not that I am convinced of that, but it makes me feel better.

Not contacting him is the best, I know. I am writing in my journal, but still...

I am glad that the last thing I said is that I want my stuff back as soon as possible so that I can move on. This way he KNOWS I am kicking him out of my life too.

When I get my things back I never want to see/hear from him again, and I am not even going to say thank you for sending me my stuff.

I still care what he thinks of me...whether he thinks I am responsible or not etc..there is one more thing I need to send to him, and am not sure whether to add a coldly written direct note or a friendly one. I do not know what to do, what he will think.

 

Yuck: I still care about what he thinks of me! Why?? I KNOW it is over and he does not care and is sick of me anyway. Then why do I care??

But I will try! I am trying to cut him out of my life...I am trying to convince myself that he is not worth my time. The problem is that in general he IS a good guy and I KNOW that he is good.

 

I want him out of my life! From now on I am over him!! ( does that work?)

[Marilou26]

It is SO hard for me to say: He is a jerk and I don't want him anymore anyway and I will move on, because I know he is not a jerk ultimately despite his treatment of me.

 

I know he is a good guy and thereforeeee I am afraid to hurt him or be disrespectful. Being angry is better/easier because it hurts less.

 

Sorry people, so sorry for whining. I hate this about myself.

 

I want to move on! I wish he really was a jerk, then it would be so much easier to move on!!

[browneyedgirl36]

It's OK to say he's a jerk, Marilou. I know you think he isn't, and maybe he's not, really, but...some of his actions HAVE been those of a jerk, so at least some part of him IS a jerk, at least right now.

 

I just admitted to myself today that my most recent ex most certainly HAS behaved like a jerk in the last week. Does it mean I hate him? No. Does it mean I don't still care very much for him? No -- I still care for him A LOT. His behavior of late, however, cannot be excused simply because he's confused and going through a rough time.

 

Hang in there, Marilou. It may take awhile, but you'll get past this. We all will.

[Marilou26]

Thank you Browneyed girl..

 

Yes, I have difficulty admitting that his behaviour is bad. I mean: I feel guilty for saying he is a jerk, because he is a good guy. He is going through a lot himself too, and thereforeeee I feel bad saying bad things about him.

 

But: good guys can behave "jerky" too, no? I can say he is not a jerk, but that he has been behaving as a jerk. Furthermore I need to learn that just because he has his own issues, that that does not give him the right to treat me this way..

 

Thanks so much for ur response.

[Marilou26]

I keep on thinking that it is all my fault. He was so busy..why could I not leave him alone? Actually, I did leave him alone for two weeks.

I am busy now and see that it was perhaps not good that I emailed him once or twice...because when you are busy you can not have any more stress. He could not have more stress and I was the source of his stress because when he withdrew I clang onto him even more. Well, this is LDR, so clinging on means email writing, okay? lol.

 

You see, it was a LDR and I mean..he was too busy to respond to my emails..

He is just sick of me.

 

I want to let it go.

 

Why could I not just leave him alone?

 

It cannot be all my fault...can someone really be that busy and behind in things that they push their girlfriend away completely? And this was LDR...