Suddenly we are strangers.

[forgingon]

My husband and I have just separated in mid February. In march I found letters from a woman at his work and confronted him, he said 'they had explored their feelings for each other - but he called it off'. I still don't believe him because 1) he won't tell me her name and is still protecting her, 2) he said it ended awhile ago, but in January and February, I saw signs (and asked him repeated if there was someone else - he lied and said no)

I just don't understand how he can just push me away like we are strangers. He only communicates with me about the kids, or money. If I try to get him talking about why this is happening he ignores my contact. I don't understand how he can suddenly be a completely different person. We have been best friends for years, and gone through twelve years of watching his mom decline and die in a terminal illness, having our children, loving each other. We were close.

Last year we did too much, didn't focus on our marriage and suddenly BOOM, he's gone and it's like I'm invisible.

I just don't understand.

[caro33]

How painful for you. It sounds like he is really going through his own stuff, and maybe distancing himself from you is his way of managing his guilt. Or maybe he thinks it's best to not "burden" you with information and feelings that might hurt you more. Some people also seem to have a need to reinvent the past in order to feel better about their current actions; maybe he is trying to show himself that you guys never really had that bond. A silly thing after all those years and times shared, but who knows.

 

Do you think he knows what he wants these days, or is he confused?

[forgingon]

In marriage councilling he said very little except that he doesn't know what he wants, he just can't see us together in twenty years. His mom and grandmother died two years ago, five days apart, both of alzheimers disease, and then he got a promotion, then another one. He went to africa to climb a mountain in September, and came back acting weird. I thought at first he was having a breakdown, but then these letters came out.

the truth is that I love him, and hate feeling such disrespect, mistrust and anger towards him. I sorta feel sorry for him, and then I feel fury. I hate what he's doing to my children, to our lives and our dreams. And then I just think...move on, you will be fine without him...but I don't want to abandon him. But really he's abandoning me, right? And though part of me is still in shock and doesn't believe it, the other part is tired of getting kicked in the teeth. And he seems to be in such a rush to get out of our marriage that I'm worried that he is just rushing to get to this other woman...although he denies that she is still in the picture.

So...is he confused? I sure am!

[macgyver4ever]

Forgingon,

 

Here is an article about "the fog" of infidelity. It's an interesting theory, and it makes sense from my perspective. I was with a girl for 4 years, and she started having an affair with a coworker. She seems like a stranger as well. I hope this provides some insight as to what is going on.

 

link removed

 

Take Care of yourself.

[caro33]

Hard to say.

 

What is he like as person, that guy you knew? What was his integrity like, his sense of commitment?

 

Other small things - what was his attitude toward disposing of things, of throwing away sentimental objects? How did he respond to friends' relationships breaking up?

 

What is he like with interests and hobbies? Does he persevere or move on quickly?

 

Has he had friends of his break up with their wives recently that you know of?

 

I ask these questions because they were relevant to my own situation. They may not be relevant to yours, but I am interested to understand how out of character this change in personality really is.

[Relationship Coach]

It sounds as if this marriage may have begun to unravel years ago at such a slow rate that you did not notice it. I seldom believe in BOOM and then it's over. Whether this was an emotional affair or a physical affair the damage is obvious. His stance to keep her identity unknown to you tells me either you know her or she is also married. The fact is he was compelled to stray which means something may have been lacking in your marriage. In no way am I saying any of this is your fault, sometimes love just fades.

 

What is important is to realize that you will survive without him if that is the end result. If the two of you are to patch things up, he needs to totally open up to you, no secrets. You will then have to learn to trust him all over again and to never throw this up in his face, ever. He may very well be eaten up with guilt for being a bone-head for damaging the marriage.

 

RC

[macgyver4ever]

Has he had friends of his break up with their wives recently that you know of?

 

Caro,

 

Can you explain this a little more? My ex's new best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years (same as us) a few weeks before she ended things with me. I was just wondering what that would have to do with it? Do people try to become single all at once?

[caro33]

Caro,

 

Can you explain this a little more? My ex's new best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years (same as us) a few weeks before she ended things with me. I was just wondering what that would have to do with it? Do people try to become single all at once?

 

It's just something I have noticed with a couple of people around me. Their long term relationships ended when the guy decided "suddenly" he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Coincidentally enough, in these cases the guy's best male friend hd also left his wife for the same reason, as much the same time.

 

I think that sometimes when people say they don't want a relationship anymore and it feels like "BOOM" to their partner, that the person leaving the relationship was probably feeling bad for some time, but not sure why. They may have put it down to family, to work, to something, but they were not sure of the cause. But then an outside force comes to play that gives them an "aha! it's the relationship!" moment. This can be the entry of another on the scene, it can be some big moment like a trip away or a new start at something (Uni, job), or it can be something like watching their best mate leave a marriage and appear happier. I would not say this is for all "dumpers" by any stretch. The people who I have seen react in this way have tended toward being kind of weak and not very self-actualised. Not always, it depends on the circumstances. But it explains many of the "BOOM" endings I have seen, including my own. My ex of a 10 year relationship said when he left that he's thought about it "for at least a few days". Until then he'd seemed happy but just a bit dissatisfied at work. Err, thanks. My guy had both a trip and a new woman on the scene to inspire him.

[1forthegipper]

I believe in every breakup there is a catlyst that pushes them to make the final decision... Sometimes it's best to go with our gut feelings as to why until we get solid proof. I've read many times on this forum and other sites that the dumper emotionally checks out weeks,months or even years in advance. I find that difficult to swallow, I don't believe that a person has an epiphany and say's "that's it, I want out" then take a period of time to actually get out of the relationship. I believe it's more of quitting on the relationship and not having the will to put in the effort to make the relationship work. They are emotionally weak and lazy to withstand the work required in making a healthy and loving relationships. They feel that relationships shoudl be easy and sparks flying 24/7.... Once those sparks wear off they get bored, they don't like the idea of working in the relationship and feel that it's easier to find someone new to feel the sparks all over again.. it's a destructive pattern that many dumpers go through.

 

If an ex emotionally checks out it's because they don't want to work at the relationship anymore and as soon as they get the green light to leave they split at the drop of the hat. During this time before they breakup with you they are somewhat on their best behavior, not wanting to give much of a clue to you but in their minds they want out just havn't find the catalyst to help them get out....

 

 

The sad thing is they never find true happiness and love, they're lazy lovers and partners!!!! Who do not want to do the work to make a successful relationship. Mac gave a good link to the "FOG" it's what many ex's experience when they feel the excitement of a new interest...it's a phase and the statistics on the success of a new "man or woman" are against the dumpers.... Why? because they havn't learned from their mistakes and will not learn until they are on our side of the fence and reailze what we have.

 

Tha Gipp

[numbhead]

CARO33 i think you have hit the nail right on the head with your theory!! i can totally relate to it!

 

my ex had 2 best friends who just dumped their b/f and she had a trip away! haha crazy how this can influence pples decisions!

[distroyed one]

The sad thing is they never find true happiness and love, they're lazy lovers and partners!!!! Who do not want to do the work to make a successful relationship. Mac gave a good link to the "FOG" it's what many ex's experience when they feel the excitement of a new interest...it's a phase and the statistics on the success of a new "man or woman" are against the dumpers.... Why? because they havn't learned from their mistakes and will not learn until they are on our side of the fence and reailze what we have.

 

Tha Gipp

 

Well, I think that they have more love then they deserve.. They are happy each time they find new "someone", while dumped people cry and feel destroyed for years.. They get enough love and affection to build their self-esteem, to feel like they deserve to be treated like kings/queens, and to leave and look for another when they get bored.. Worst of all, they never feel regret for hurting ones that love them, they always find another fool to live for them..

Speaking from my own perspective..

[forgingon]

This is the brutal part. I always thought he had so much integrity. He hated to cancel plans with people, like even if he was sick, because he'd 'given his word' he was coming. We always stressed honesty with each other. I knew his ego was a bit fragile because he had such issues with being treated with 'respect' - if i'd have ever called him stupid, even just playfully, he would have walked out the door. But how we treated each other was so, so important and we were very careful (now I think too careful, i think we lost some playfulness out of fear of causing a fight) In all, I thought integrity, and commitement to family were his cornerstones. That is why I'm so crushed. Apparently, I'm suddenly not his family anymnore, just his children's mother.

[forgingon]

It sounds as if this marriage may have begun to unravel years ago at such a slow rate that you did not notice it. "

 

This is true, for sure. From the day we were together his mom waw ill, and that while we married and started a family. I had postpartum anxiety, our daughter had heart surjury at 10 months old, and through it all we watched his mom get sicker and sicke. While the years were good, we had a lot on our plate, and our marriage has taken a back seat. And then just when his mom and grandma died we figured out that it is likely genetic...which makes us fear for the future. Our attention was elsewhere, and I think we took our stability together for granted. I have felt out of love at times for him too, but I knew it was a phase and that if I looked at him hard enough, and remembered who he really is, lost in all this stuff we have been living through, the love just came back and I wanted to plug in again. But I can't believe he just let me go. I have been a good wife and mother. I have backed everthing he's ever wanted to do with my whole heart. I have given up my own career to keep our life balanced and family centered, and allow him to go full force at his career...and I've stood by him and participated in those horrible days when his mother was getting sicker, and paranoid, and loosing control of her behavior. And it broke my heart to watch him loosing her like that.

How can he just let me go, I've been a good friend, wife and lover to him. in November he told me that we just needed to have some fun together and everything else would fall into place...then she came into the picture, and by the end of December he said (not admitting about her) that it was 'like a switch had been flicked" and he didn't love me anymore.

[forgingon]

That is weird because I noticed just before Christmas that he was agreeing with everything I needed, or asked for with no discussion at all...that is not like him at all. It bothered me but I thought he might just be really busy at work and not care so much about around the house. His dad left when my husband was exactly the age our daughter is now, and he always said that it was the best thing that ever happened to his family. That positive view of divorce always bothered me - it was an easy out.

[caro33]

His dad left when my husband was exactly the age our daughter is now, and he always said that it was the best thing that ever happened to his family. That positive view of divorce always bothered me - it was an easy out.

 

I guess that's the kind of thing I was trying to get at. It might show a positive perception of leaving the family, a means of rationalising his own behaviour, like what he's doing is really in your and your children's best interests.

 

In my own case it unfolded a bit differently, but I had always had some heebie jeebies about the ex's attitude to some things, his view of commitment and disposability. He did not have the apparent integrity of your husband, but I still think the lessons people internalise from their past, and their values, go a long way to explain their current actions.

 

Do you think the shock of his mother's decline and the genetic possibilities has maybe also scared him into reevaluating his life? Did he climb mountains in Africa before?

 

Some people I have known have tended toward seeking adventure and a break from the norm when difficult things have happened in their lives. The best marriage I knew of ended oddly when my friend's husband lost his brother through suicide - the husband's personality changed fundamentally and he seemed to decide to change his entire life, to purge all that was familiar, including his wife. I think that for him it was about fear and control - he had always been in control before and had such integrity. Then something horrible happened that he could not control, he could not prevent. I think he decided well why bother with the facade of his life as he knew it anymore. That's just my observation, not sure what really happened. His wife never understood.

 

What happens for you now forgingon?

[forgingon]

I think fear and control are two elements for sure. He's terrified that he will get early onset alzheimers like his mom.

For me? I hate being 'in limbo', and although I don't want to throw away a thirteen year relationship over six months of madness, I have no control over his attitudes, perceptions or choices. I am upgrading my BA, and will apply to teachers college next year. I am focused on helping my kids get through this, and using it to help them be stronger people for it. I bought them a puppy and I'm watching The Secret, a lot. I am trying to be grateful for my fabulous friends, my exceptional family and the blessings life has given me. And I want nothing to do with men...for now. I am going to take this as an opportunity to be free, focus on myself and my kids, and see what happens.

 

You are awesome. Has anyone told you that lately? Just awesome.