Ex still totally ignores me after 3 years! WHY?

[chrome]

Belle, I definitely don't agree with your comment. People should be able to be mature adults and end relationships with dignity. That's what he's wanting in this situation. I know personally that people can want to end things on a high note not because they "want validation". It IS possible to simply want people not to be enemies and end things on okay terms, without the hidden agenda that's often expressed by silence.

[intolerable]

I personally don't think it's immaturity. And just because she's not replying to you doesn't mean she doesn't have a heart. I believe you when you say that you emailed her because you have a heart and all, but have you ever actually thought what she would feel when you did?

 

She doesn't want to contact you. Accept it, respect it. Stop being selfish. Now that's maturity.

 

And by the way, I'm not telling you off or anything like that. Just giving you something to think about.

[Up and Down]

Man this threads over two years old. Talk about resurrecting the dead.

[chrome]

Intolerable, I'd have to disagree with your "stop being selfish" comment, because just as you think he's being selfish by being in touch with her, it can just as easily be argued that she's being selfish for having things her way with no consideration for him. It is not too much to ask for people to show some maturity in post-breakup contact if things did not end on a horrible note (no cheating, etc). He is showing maturity, and it can be argued that she is not. In the case of extremes, the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.

[jettison]

Intolerable, I'd have to disagree with your "stop being selfish" comment, because just as you think he's being selfish by being in touch with her, it can just as easily be argued that she's being selfish for having things her way with no consideration for him. It is not too much to ask for people to show some maturity in post-breakup contact if things did not end on a horrible note (no cheating, etc). He is showing maturity, and it can be argued that she is not. In the case of extremes, the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.

 

Relationships and friendships die. That's just what happens. The only person you take with you from your birth to your death is you. That's it. No one owes anybody else anything at all. In this life, you can either choose to be a positive spirit for those around you, or you can choose to be someone that is grabbing at ghosts. The past doesn't even exist. It is fiction. There is only right now, and right now dictates that you let go of past hurt and anger and love anyone and everyone around you.

 

And especially ex-lovers... they owe you absolutely ZERO. To think otherwise is to fundamentally misunderstand biology and the way the Universe works.

[vertigoxo]

I have ignored my ex before because while he was keeping me on a string, he was fiddling with other girls. So I ignored him. Then he starts chasing me, his friends keep asking me why I'm being so "immature", etc. I wasn't being immature; I was simply taking care of my emotional health. Being around/talking to someone who you love-either romantically or otherwise-but they treat you like crap, you have to do what's best for you and IGNORE them.

 

My ex would flirt with me, try to get me jealous, and yet, the words "I want you back" never came out. So what did I do? I kicked him out of my life, and he got mad because of course, I was his "ego boost" and once I finally realize I was better than that, he turned into a big baby. Oh well, too bad.

 

Anybody in your ex's shoes would feel the same. If you want her back, you should have told her so. But since you don't, that alone hurts her ("10 years and he doesn't want me back? Wow, I must not have meant much to him at all..."), so she chooses to ignore you to she can move on in a healthy manner.

 

Simple as that.

[Pontius]

Relationships and friendships die. That's just what happens. The only person you take with you from your birth to your death is you. That's it. No one owes anybody else anything at all. In this life, you can either choose to be a positive spirit for those around you, or you can choose to be someone that is grabbing at ghosts. The past doesn't even exist. It is fiction. There is only right now, and right now dictates that you let go of past hurt and anger and love anyone and everyone around you.

 

And especially ex-lovers... they owe you absolutely ZERO. To think otherwise is to fundamentally misunderstand biology and the way the Universe works.

 

 

Why especially ex-lovers? What separates them from anybody else? Your post sounds a lot like a metaphysical coping strategy.

 

So, the OP is in error because of a misunderstanding of biology? Isn't it his biology which necessitates his need? This need is a chemical composition in his brain that was crafted by life experience AND BIOLOGY.

 

 

The past exists in our memories in our BIOLOGICAL brain, therefore, it is as real as the present and the future. Your argument that the past is fiction, is the same argument that EVERYTHING is fiction. Do you not see it?

 

The physical, real world is ENTIRELY dependent on a past.

 

"People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction, and anyone who insists on remaining in a state of innocence long after that innocence is dead turns himself into a monster."

 

James Baldwin

[Merrin]

I know this post was created like a million years ago, but I was browsing around the net for the same answer and couldn't resist to drop a line or two.

 

3 years ago I went through a somehow similar breakup. Granted, we had been toghether 2 years, not 10, but the thing is that after we broke up she has ignored me everytime I've tried to make contact.

 

We had a very complicated relationship. We had a vast number of things in common, yet there where some differences that really made day to day life hard to bear. I was older than her and while she wanted to party all day long and be with her friends, all I ever wanted was to spend more time with her. She was 24 at the time, yet sometimes she sounded like an immature 18 year old girl.

 

By the time we reached our seccond year together she had made it cristal clear that I was a fine addition to her life, a friend with sexual privileges... but not a companion. She always refused to let me accompany her on her travels, citing all kind of excuses, but mainly because she wanted to be unencumbered by the presence of his boyfriend. And I tried hard to bear with it because I loved her with all my might, but one day I felt It was too much to hold on.

 

I dumped her the 5th of january, and made her clear that I wasn't leaving her because I didn't love her anymore, but because I did not felt loved in the slightest. She even recogniced that she had been colder towards me in the latest months of our relationship, but that was not a good reason enough for her to end it all. She even told me that she would still love me if I changed my mind, and that was the last thing I heard from her.

 

A year after we broke up I tried to contact her but she did not reply to my calls, texts or mails. Nothing. I assumed that she needed more time so I stoped. A year later I tried again, with the same result. Last year I got an email from her... and it was one of those god damned viruses that are sent automatically by an infected PC.

That was a hard blow .When I saw in my iphone the heading of the mail my heart lost a beat there... And oh the irony! A virus...

 

But that's enough background. Why does she do this? Well, Knowing her as I think I do, I bet she would never admit that we broke up because of her, that she was the one at fault. And this is applicable to your case too, Skynet: 10 years of relationship, turning into a fireball all because of her... She will never admit that she blundered the best relationship she ever had!

 

Of course I might be wrong. Maybe my ex hates my living guts because I had the cheek to dump her twice in 3 years, or maybe she despises my mere existence, or feels that it was all a waste of her time and wants to stay clear from me because I recall her her own failures.

 

Truth is, we will both know later rather than sooner what happened, because time cures EVERYTHING. In ten years time you will stumble upon her and it will all be so diluted in time that only the good parts will surface. I know so because I'ts happened to me on a number of occasions. It's just a mater of time.

 

In the mean time, those pictures you have should be kept under lock and key, not for safe keeping, but to keep them away from you. The day you forget about this all will be the day you'll met her again

 

Now this was a long post! I'm sorry for exorcising my soul in the process of giving you my opinion. To sum it all up, give yourself a rest, allow yourself a bit of peace and let this die a bit. Even though it wasn't your fault AT ALL, maybe you are feeling a bit guilty about this whole affair. Well, DON'T. Forgive yourself, and move on.

 

It will all be answered

 

All in good time

 

Best Regards

 

Merrin

[intolerable]

Didn't read all the entries, so I'm sorry if my reply suddenly seems out of topic. Anyways, to the OP:

 

There are people who can cut other people off their life easily, I know this because I'm one of them. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, of course, but sometimes it's a.. feeling. I remember that my ex used to contact me and I wouldn't reply to him unless it's something about work or school. It's not that I'm mad at him or anything, I just didn't have the mood (for a lack of better term) to talk/converse with him.

 

I think if she's not replying to anything you send to her, it's as clear as day she doesn't want any communication with you. I know you want to know why she's doing this, but sometimes there is no reason. You know how sometimes you don't feel like talking to another person just because? It's just like that... only this one lasts longer. Way longer. It's hard, but you don't need to understand, just respect.

 

 

Oh wow, I didn't realize hold old this topic is. Sorry.

[Maverick2097]

Being fully aware of how old this thread is. I figured i'd add some thoughts of my own, seeing as i bumped into this thread after looking for answers as to why things are the way they are so as to make my mind better... So the thread (despite it's age) is still pretty much alive...

 

Coming from a bad breakup myself recently. My biggest regret was looking back and realizing all the mistakes i made, and have often wondered what could have happened had i have chosen a different path.

 

I met my ex in a park in London last summer and things rapidly escalated into romance, which resulted her leaving back to her home country in Holland. We were so connected in that short space of time, that we rapidly went into a long distance relationship... It started off beautiful... Both of us were pretty much in love with each other... If someone would have told me back then that her and i would break up a few months down the line, i probably would not have believed them...

 

Eventually, the relationship ended due to my neediness and depressive attitude due to being jobless for the period we were together...

 

Looking back at it now, it's ironic how the day after she breaks up with me, i receive a phone call confirming that i received a job i applied to just before...

 

Previous to this relationship were a series of similar breakups, which lead me to desperation and a constant need to try and figure out what i was doing wrong.... I eventually embarked on an emotional journey where i got to experience and understand relationships from a females perspective, all the while continuing to fail and get rejected and learning from my mistakes...

 

What did i learn from these experiences?

 

Well with women and females in general, we have to first understand as men, that despite trying hard to figure them out, there's no way to begin to think what they're thinking... Most people have tried and i have seen both the good and bad...

 

With regards to female character, we can either look at it negatively or positively... Some would say, women play games with men in order to try and manipulate and control the guys they're with in order to validate their own Ego...

Others would say that women test men in order to feel their strength and to be able to trust and be safe with the men they're with and that it's part of nature to expect this from all of the women we end up dating...

 

The truth is, no one will ever know the real facts around the female mind... Not even females themselves know how they behave since most if not all of their decisions are done with their emotions, which can't ever be explained with logic... It's all about what they feel rather than what they think... Hence why one minute, they're caring and loving, and the next minute, they're cold and unresponsive...

 

This lead me to realize that the only person i will ever know 100% is myself...

Only i will ever know what i want out of life, from women and from my relationships...

Therefore, it stands to reason that if i wanted a relationship of any kind to go a certain way, i would have to lead and make decisions as to the direction i would like to take things as a man... Because as much as women say they're independent and decisive... None of them have any clue as to what they want in their relationships, because by nature, it is always left to the man to decide...

 

How do i know this?... Watch a women B*tch and complain, then have the guy try and make her feel happy and to leave what he's doing in order to do so... Then watch this girl's interest start to wane the minute he does this...

 

The point is, for a man, it isn't his relationship that should steer his life forward, but his purpose and life goals that should be his first priority... Relationships for a man should always come second...

 

It's the main reason as to why most women accuse men of being needy and possessive, when in fact what they're really saying is, they want a man to lead... This might sound egotistical, but it's laws of nature...

 

Man has to go out, fight and fulfill his duties (with complete love and passion), whilst women stay and nurture, protect and love...

 

Man has to love his woman and yet be strong enough to let her go if he has to... That's what true strength is, which is what women are looking for in my honest opinion...

 

It's what i've learned and experienced... I refuse to believe that God created women to be manipulative... It might seem that way at first, but it really is all out of love... No woman can ever be evil...

 

Women are like flowers with thorns... They will love you when you're a man, but hate and punish you if you're anything less. And deservedly so, since by rights, it's what we're born to be... So why be anything less??

 

I hope that those who now come to this page looking for answers will get to read this and understand that love and women isn't a man's first priority...

 

Know and understand who you are, what you want and make it your life purpose... Be the centre of your own life, not any one else's, including women... If they come to your life along your path, keep your heart open and love in abundance... But understand that they are merely there by choice...

 

Learn to love, but be willing to let go...

 

Rant over

[Unreasonable]

I hate to say this, but there is the possibility just doesn't like you and doesn't want to encourage even more continuing communication.

 

My question is, if you've really moved on, why do you care?

[CXtal]

I know this post is super old, but I felt compelled to respond. I was in the same situation about 5 years ago. I was in a serious relationship (for about 2 years), and for what ever reason, he dumped me. He never gave me an honest reason as to why we broke up, therefore, I have never had closure (which is a apart of why I probably used to contact him). However, he sent me an instant message about 3 years ago, and I didn't respond (because I was away from my computer), and haven't heard from him since. Well I found out that he is married, to the girl, that he left me for. And I am happy for him. At least, our break up resulted in him, finding a wife.

 

So, every once in a while, I will send him a text or call him, just to say hi, and see how life is treating him. He totally ignores me. I am married and have talked to my hubbie about this. I don't want any conflict. I genuinely, just want to say hi.

 

I don't understand, why he ignores me. He could at least tell me, that he does not want any contact with me, or something. I do believe that he is ignoring me with a motive.

 

If was over in his eyes, why would it be hard to have cordial contact with a person, that you spent everyday with, for 2 years! I think its okay and normal, for me to want to check on him (every once in a while), and make sure he is okay. Just because you are not in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean you should act like they don't exist. Now, that is immature!!!!!!!!!

 

He probably wants to keep me locked away, until a rainy day, which is very selfish. But anyway, if he were over me, and felt no type of guilt, he wouldn't have a problem, responding to an occasional Hello, with a "Hello" (like myself). And if he truly did not want contact with me, he would say that.

 

PEOPLE WHO IGNORE ISSUES, ARE NOT READY TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUES. (for what ever reason)

 

He will eventually come around like your ex will (if she hasn't already), and it will be too late. Just like on the movie Imitation of Life.

 

Let them live with the regrets, NOT US. At least we tried

[HereIGoAgain]

I don't entirely agree with this, not in my case anyway. It's been just over two years since I last saw my ex where I've decided never to contact her or respond to contact. While I agree there are issues, the problem is that my ex dumped them all on me in how I would not change for her. These changes were somewhat superficial. However, she was the one who needed to change in order for the relationship to work. She was the one who was lying and cheating behind my back. She was the one to take from the relationship and put little back. She was the one to be disrespectful and call me names. She was the one who was arrogant in her attitude towards me and others. She was the one who treated people casually like her friend who would take my ex on girly weekends (at least I think they were) but behind that friend's back my ex would call her a "desperate woman". I could go on but stating this over and over again is getting old.

 

Since we split up I am aware she continues to be this way, contacting colleagues and telling them about the relationship and how it was my fault it failed. For all I know she could have told them intimate details of the relationship. As far as I can tell, she has not changed.

 

Now, I feel not a lot for her, only regret that we were ever in a relationship as even before we became a couple there were problems on her side. I'm not interested in making contact and catching up where I believe she would not be interested in me contacting anyway. Also, there's the issue of her talking to colleagues where I cannot trust her given what she has done in the past. In order for their to be future friendship with an ex there has to be the same conditions as there are for any friendship such as trust and respect. When an ex has lost these badly, then there cannot be any friendship in the future as if they've treated you badly before they will do it again.

 

She would have the nerve to contact me and act defensively if I reacted negatively, probably telling my colleagues how nasty I am. But I'm not interested in her or her life anymore. What she does and whom she does it with is none of my business and I simply do not care. I would not be interested in talking on the phone let alone meeting her for a drink. We are done.

 

Do not if this helps the OP as what I'm trying to say is that sometimes what's done is done. There is no going back and people go their separate ways never to speak to each other again.

[cheriex333]

I seriously cannot stand being ignored, it puts me on monkey tilts!

However, I've realized some people will not acknowledge you, regardless of the method of contact or message content.

I learned through counseling that being ignored makes the ignored person feel belittled, demeaned and devalued, which if course makes them upset! I say eliminate any future contact with this girl.

[mhowe]

Ahh...so that's why you sent the letter.