fredthebread Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 What are men's/women's sexual expectations of each other in a long term relationship? I am a male so I am primarily interested in the female perspective, but I was hoping to start a discussion. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Every one is different, there will be no answer that will cover all women. You just have to ask the lady you want to spend a long time with what she wants. Link to comment
MacGyverRI Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 As often as possible when time/mood dictates is ideal. Unfortunately, it slacks off when you're married so enjoy it while you can and keep her happy in all ways, not just sexually..... Lots of flowers for the heck of it. helping w/ housework etc. makes them really happy. Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 To be honest I am a pleaser. I "get off" per say on pleasing. I like a guy that feels the same way. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Someone who displays sensitivity to my moods and is humble enough to not make me feel guilty for not finishing Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 22, 2007 Author Share Posted March 22, 2007 Every one is different, there will be no answer that will cover all women. You just have to ask the lady you want to spend a long time with what she wants. What I am really looking for hear is how to get her to want it as much and as often as I do. Simply giving her an orgasm everytime? Lots of foreplay? In my experience this is still not enough. Women seem to have a lot more emotion and psychology tied into making love than us guys do. Personally, I feel if we continue the love making, tenderness and affection through the other ups and downs of the relationship, it adds to and stabilizes the relationship. But I don't want her to feel used or a sexual object either. You say everyone is different, but if two partners are different, does this mean one of them has to remain not fully satisfied? Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 22, 2007 Author Share Posted March 22, 2007 As often as possible when time/mood dictates is ideal. Unfortunately, it slacks off when you're married so enjoy it while you can and keep her happy in all ways, not just sexually..... Lots of flowers for the heck of it. helping w/ housework etc. makes them really happy. Why does it slack of when your married? Bored with your sexual partner? Stop making an effort? Link to comment
princessjasmine101 Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 What I am really looking for hear is how to get her to want it as much and as often as I do. Simply giving her an orgasm everytime? Lots of foreplay? In my experience this is still not enough. Women seem to have a lot more emotion and psychology tied into making love than us guys do. Personally, I feel if we continue the love making, tenderness and affection through the other ups and downs of the relationship, it adds to and stabilizes the relationship. But I don't want her to feel used or a sexual object either. You say everyone is different, but if two partners are different, does this mean one of them has to remain not fully satisfied? In terms of a relationship, what's important is not how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 22, 2007 Author Share Posted March 22, 2007 In terms of a relationship, what's important is not how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. Not, how you grow together to become more compatible? Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 What I am really looking for hear is how to get her to want it as much and as often as I do. Simply giving her an orgasm everytime? Lots of foreplay? In my experience this is still not enough. Women seem to have a lot more emotion and psychology tied into making love than us guys do. Personally, I feel if we continue the love making, tenderness and affection through the other ups and downs of the relationship, it adds to and stabilizes the relationship. But I don't want her to feel used or a sexual object either. You say everyone is different, but if two partners are different, does this mean one of them has to remain not fully satisfied? I def do not believe neither of you can be fully satisfied, kind of find a meeting ground in both of your heads..just because she does not have an orgasim does not mean she is not satisfied. and i think that general stereotype that woman are not as sexual as men is def not true. I def want sex everyday, most days more than once or twice. And it does not depend on my mood. Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 I def do not believe neither of you can be fully satisfied, kind of find a meeting ground in both of your heads..just because she does not have an orgasim does not mean she is not satisfied. and i think that general stereotype that woman are not as sexual as men is def not true. I def want sex everyday, most days more than once or twice. And it does not depend on my mood. I would agree that it is a myth that women are not as sexual as men, but it seems to be a different kind of sexuality. Even what you said about her not needing to have an orgasm to be satisfied, that is not true of men. Women seem to be able to hold out on sex a lot longer than men. In standoffs I have had with the women I have been in a relationship with, I was always the one that gave in on whatever issue, so that I could have sex. I think this kind of manipulation is wrong by the way (especially coz I always lose ). So you say you want sex everyday and I want sex everyday, so how do I get her to want sex every day?. So is it a chore for her to do it, even though she is obviously turned on and often has an orgasm? Or is there some other reason or aspect of womens sexuality that is not about the orgasm that I am missing? We have a positive relationship and no major issues. Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 to be honest..he just turns me on so much that i love having sex with him everyday..now we do have intimacy issues if you read a thread that i posted but i still want to have sex with him..he always compliments me and works me up a lot throughout the day by text message and telling me what he wants to do to me..he also has a great response when i wear lingerie..and most guys just are like wow nice and then rip it off but he likes for me to keep it on with the lights on and compliment me on it all the time..and he also likes to compliment certain parts of my body and stuff like that..maybe thats why i am always sexually frustrated until i get it out everyday? haha Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 to be honest..he just turns me on so much that i love having sex with him everyday..now we do have intimacy issues if you read a thread that i posted but i still want to have sex with him..he always compliments me and works me up a lot throughout the day by text message and telling me what he wants to do to me..he also has a great response when i wear lingerie..and most guys just are like wow nice and then rip it off but he likes for me to keep it on with the lights on and compliment me on it all the time..and he also likes to compliment certain parts of my body and stuff like that..maybe thats why i am always sexually frustrated until i get it out everyday? haha AAh! I am starting to see where I am going wrong, no buildup! This seems to suggest that you need to make sure she feels desireable, and sooth her insecurities, that my obvious horniness is not enough? Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 AAh! I am starting to see where I am going wrong, no buildup! This seems to suggest that you need to make sure she feels desireable, and sooth her insecurities, that my obvious horniness is not enough? hahaha..no its probably not enough..but thanks for the good laugh..i have been dealing with some stupid people on here tonight and i needed it..but yes build up is always great..make her feel desired even if she isnt insecure..everyone wants to feel desired! Link to comment
Cardinal Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 In my experience, who can hold out longest is more dependent on who has the stronger libido or furthermore, who has the strongest reason for wanting to hold out (willpower). Could be moral reasons...might be as simple as waiting until b/c is figured out, whatever. Be careful to make sure you aren't allowing yourself to be manipulated. If you ever seem desparate in need of sex, that might be viewed as a sign of weakness to be exploited. Even if it isn't, anything approaching desparation isn't becoming. When sex happens in a situation like that, it could just be pity sex, or negotiated sex, which is quite pointless in my opinion. What exactly have you accomplished in that situation that you couldn't do with your own hand or some toy? The approach I take is different. I honestly don't wish to have sex with any woman unless she has an equal interest in being in bed with me. The interest and enthusiasm is what makes a person good in bed. That has to be there imo. Otherwise what is the point of sex? The approach I take is to back off and give space. I have never been in a relationship where the woman had the higher sex drive, so I have had to learn to deal. The key for me is to avoid showing negative emotion while backing off and to make it clear once that you will never turn down sex and that you always want it (that kind of thing should not have to be said more than a couple of times...noone likes to hear the same story every five minutes). It is pretty easy to rationally mention and discuss a lack of sex every once in awhile. If that makes your partner mad, then there are other issues to deal with. If you show a partner what it is like to have a relationship that lacks the frequent intimacy that sex provides, they may find it isn't all it is cracked up to be in the first place. I am not going to make the mistake of trying to change a partner. I know from other areas in relationships that there are just some things I have a very hard time bringing myself to do frequently (talk on the phone all the time e.g.). I appreciate a partner who can accept me for who I am. It might make life a lot easier if you handle it that way? Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 hahaha..no its probably not enough..but thanks for the good laugh..i have been dealing with some stupid people on here tonight and i needed it..but yes build up is always great..make her feel desired even if she isnt insecure..everyone wants to feel desired! Yeah I think it might be that I need make her feel its "her" I desire not just any woman as my horniness suggests or that she suspects (That any woman would do me and she has put on 10lbs etc). So I should say what I like about "her" body and her in emotional terms etc.that way she will feel more comfortable about the whole idea? Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 I hear what your saying cardinal but that is not really the issue here. But on changing the frequency I don't really agree, I think you just have to figure out what makes her tick sexually and psychosexually as I am trying to do here. Obviously there will be compromise and I may not get it everyday, but there should be some compromise on her part too, if I do what is necessary to ensure she enjoys it. Link to comment
Aurian Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Studies show that a woman's body takes just a long (short?) as a man's to get aroused. The problem is that a woman's MIND isn't always connected to her body. Her body may be turned on, but her mind not, so it doesn't happen. So you need to appeal to her mind. If she's mad at you or feeling lousy, she isn't going to be interested in sex. So please her, give her a back rub or something. I used to say "I'm not ready, but you can convince me..." when my ex wanted it but I wasn't in the mood. So, give her some attention, make her feel special and she'll feel sexy. Also, if she's doing all the cooking and cleaning and stuff while you're watching TV, that doesn't make her feel special Seems like often in marriage, the woman gets taken for granted, which makes her feel unhappy enough to not feel sexy, meaning the guy gets less sex, meaning both feel resentful. If both are feeling appreciated and happy, there is no reason for marriage to mean less sex. Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 Well what has dawned on me here, is that I have been thinking and talking about sex to her in my terms and what I want and what I expect. She is a little to blame because she does not tell me or does not seem to know what she wants. But the idea I am going to take away from this is to stop thinking and talking about my own horniness all the time and start thinking and talking about her arousal (mental and physical) and hopefully this will start a new line of communication and we will get closer to understanding each other better. I started this thread for everyone as I saw a gap, but I have kind off hijacked it for myself so people please keep telling as it will narrow the gap in male/female psychosexual understanding. Link to comment
caro33 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Hey there fred You know my basic thoughts on this from the other thread (which had a lot in common with Aurian's last post) but wanted to confirm that I think that for women the mental connection of how you want them and them only is vital. It should never come accross as you just need a release and she's the most likely receptacle around (not that I'm saying that's what you sound like, it's a worst case perspective). It's absolutely about her specialness and sexiness. In some romantic female sense it should be as though she and she alone has woken you, that she has tapped something in you that's vital and animal and deeply appreciative. You want to please her, you want to be close to her. Get her to tell you what she likes - touch her until she says what's best, or give her the space to do whatever she needs to on her own timeframe. Sex has to reflect no hassle on her part: it's not stopping her from doing something she was going to do, it's not some obligation of hers. So I think that picking your time is really important. You might even want to do things for her/the house first if she was feeling at all put upon about expectations of her (but if you make it obvious you are just doing this stuff for sex you will be cactus). Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Yeah I think it might be that I need make her feel its "her" I desire not just any woman as my horniness suggests or that she suspects (That any woman would do me and she has put on 10lbs etc). So I should say what I like about "her" body and her in emotional terms etc.that way she will feel more comfortable about the whole idea? Maybe not so much in emotional terms..make her feel sexy and desired and like she is the ONLY woman that makes you feel that way! Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 Thanks Caro3, couple of concerns about this. One 'her timeframe'. I initially mentioned wanting sex every day and wanting her to want it too. Can 'her timeframe' be shortened (I presume by her timeframe you mean over the week/month not over the loving session)? I know I am a bit like a dog with bone here, but I think it is a common problem. Also, the guys might be able to help me out here, does anyone know of an incentive to do housework other than wanting sex or pure guilt? ;D. She is naturally far tidier than me. I work hard and I am studying a postgrad in the evenings, so tidying and housework pretty much go out the window. So hire a cleaner? Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 another thing, make sure she knows you like what shes doing, make noises, make comments, it adds more fuel to our fire and it just a great boost of confidence Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 another thing, make sure she knows you like what shes doing, make noises, make comments, it adds more fuel to our fire and it just a great boost of confidence No problem! QED! lol As I mentioned previously, I think both genders should keep posting as I think the differences in male/female sexuality cause a lot of confusion, misunderstanding and pain in relationships and the best way to deal with this is to get into each others heads. O.K. us guys are relatively straight forward, but as one of the posters mentioned previously, every woman is different, but I think there are common themes like letting her know you find her in particular sexy etc. All this is great info for us guys, who I think are a bit like me and tend to think of sex in terms of our own sexuality and many don't realise or try to understand the differences and how we can come closer to our partners by this understanding and enjoy better sexual relations, where both partners are more happy and satisfied. Thanks for all the contributions so far, but keep going its all a source of good ideas to trigger communication in a relationship. Its all gold! Link to comment
kmartin85 Posted March 24, 2007 Share Posted March 24, 2007 well then tell us females what you guys like! my bf always tells me to talk dirty while we are having sex and i never know what to say to be honest. i mean i can say the mundane things like oh yeah you are so big and oh yeah that feels good but what else? Link to comment
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