facing facts, bit of a rant.

[kiama]

Well, im sure youre all SICK of me by now, lol.... but i just had some stuff to say.

 

I have come to realise that we are over, and have accepted it. i wont lie and say i dont wish for us to be reunited, but i know that wont be now. i could get run over by a bus tomorrow, so thinking about that now, is just stupid.

 

I have to say i have done pretty well considering they way hes been acting. very odd and misleading. on Saturday night he text me asking where i was, i was very drunk (st patricks day) replied, i was in the taxi que, within five minutes he was in the que with me, he left wherever he was straight away, begged me to go back to his. i did - okay stupid, but i was really needing the closest bed possible, lol. left on sunday, went out sunday night only to have him texting and phoning asking where i was, i was very cool and left replying till much later, i was out with friends, by the time id replyed hed already started walking home. today he dropped a few things off... when he phoned to say he was coming over i RAN - lol. left the house open but wasnt home.

 

i got a reply later asking 'why didnt you want to see me?'

 

which i ignored. spoke for a bit tonight on msn, and i explained i wasnt clear about the way things were going... was he keen on trying slowly again, and he said no. he wants to have 'fun' with me (including sex), but doesnt want any boundaries.

 

so really i think hes up in the head.

 

this is what us DUMPEES NEED to do. face the facts.

 

they DONT want to be with us seriously - end of story. what is my ex playing at.....

 

fact - the ONLY way, ONLY way, they will ever CONSIDER coming back to us is most likely going to be after a good few months, of NO CONTACT. so dont dwell on the months, get over it in the meantime.

 

fact - they will almost definitely will have been with someone else before they consider taking us back. fact. get over it. i dont like to admit it, and nobody wants to hear it, but its TRUE. so lets not dwell on what we know is going to happen anyway.

 

its really all about facing facts, and accepting them.

 

they DONT want to be with us right now - who cares if they change there mind in the future cos that is not now.

 

bit of a rant. sorry.

 

sometimes i just need to be told straight. i really have accepted hes not interested.. but i have to say it does boggle my mind a bit, the way hes been acting...., and yes, i do wonder... is he just totally confused or what.

[bar35]

If that is your rant, please rant away because I liked it and it touched my heart in all the right ways. You wanna know what those right ways are? They can be summed up in one word. Strength.

 

Lay it out there as it is. Facts. That is all that we have to deal with. The rest of the garbage that floats around in our heads is just that, garbage. Speculative nonsense.

 

A friend of mine said to me "The reason that we experience things as bad is because we perceive them as bad, but it doesn't really mean that they ARE bad, that is only our perception. We could just as easily perceive the situation as good." Then this morning someone said to me "The First Rule of Survival is DON'T PANIC."

 

You freakin' rule. You can read me the list of the facts any day and I would love you for it! Thanks for fueling my heart with some needed strength, some weakness had slipped in there a few hours ago and you helped to seal up the leak.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

We are not sick of you, so I hope you will continue to vent your frustrations here.

 

It sounds like you are learning a really hard lesson- one that is hard for anyone to learn and sometimes takes a few slip ups along the way before we really get it in our heads that it's over and we are better off treating ourselves with respect by not allowing an ex to string us along.

 

It seems to me that what your ex was really doing is trying to test your boundaries and see what he could still get from you without a commitment. I'm proud that you drew a line and are going to stick to it.

[kiama]

fact - they dont want us, thats why they dumped us

 

fact - they want to be single, and do what single people do.

 

fact - they dont think were worthy of any chances else they would give them to us

 

fact - if they want they will come back for sex because they believe we will allow it ( i read somewhere on here a phrase that went something like this, ive changed it a bit 'some people are like animals, they will eat the meat that is given to them, and if they are hungry enough they will go back for the bones'

 

fact - if they want to remain friends, were giving them ALL the power they ever had.

 

fact - if they say they still find you sexually attractive, guess what, that means they find others even more sexually attractive.

 

fact - if were still thinking of giving it another go... it has to be at a much later stage. if they dont see you for a while, and suddenly do, then theres more chance of them POSSIBLY feeling that knot in there stomach, as all the memories pour back. see them around too often, and keep in contact, you will just become another 'person' to them... and that will help them just forget.

 

fact - we have to move on, and be better than them. find new interests, get more drive - that way, if they do see us out, were radiating happiness.

 

fact - accept these facts, and keep telling yourself them, and well get through it.

 

fact - right now, although ive accepted where were at, and were over, i do keep asking why hes acting this way and if its because he wants to slowly rebuild the relationship again - fact - me asking all the time is driving him away, even if he is at the back of his head thinking maybe he does.

 

some more facts... lol

 

thanks by the way, im glad my rant didnt upset you.... i was a bit blunt.

xx

[kiama]

Ps.... because of the way hed been this weekend etc... being very eager to contact me etc... i did have a bit of that msn chat and DID ask.... this was a bit of the convo....

 

Kiama says:

ok

Idiot says:

i really wanted to watch it tonight! searched the whole house!

Kiama says:

so you really dont wanna try this having fun thing together no

Idiot says:

i told you it's up to you. You think i'm using you!!

Kiama says:

you just confuse me. you said you wanted to do it that way and take things easy, rebuild stuff....

Kiama says:

slowly

Idiot says:

sorry for confusing you

Kiama says:

so do you want to do that

Idiot says:

what?

Kiama says:

fool around take things easy and see how we can rebuild trust in eachother?

Idiot says:

what i want is TO BE SINGLE AND US BE FRIENDS

Kiama says:

so you dont want us to do what weve been doing over the weekend....

Idiot says:

if we want to

 

Clear as day hes not interested....but i had to ask. he said he wants to try then he says he doesnt..... so ill leave him to festate in his own mental problems....

 

lol... anyway.. this was very irrelevant.... to my whole FACT post... lol

[BeStrongBeHappy]

of course we are not sick of you kiama, so post as much as you like...

 

this fellow sounds sooooo much like a guy i dated once, even saying a lot of the same things, about things being 'up to me' and wanting to be 'friends', but still wanting to have sex and not be committed.

 

you ask why he is being this way, running hot and cold? because he is *selfish* and just wants what he wants. I remember talking to my ex once and asking him why he was behaving the way he did, and after much maneuvering to try to get to me to buy his nonsense, he finally admitted, "i was just being selfish, and don't want to have to be accountable to anybody..."

 

so there you have it, i think it is pretty simple. he would love for you to keep popping over to have sex and 'fun', when HE wants it, but then he gets to walk away whenever he feels it too, scot free, see anyone else, pursue anyone else, not be responsible to you. he wants all the cream off the top, and nothing else...

 

so his behavior will change from day to day based on whatever mood he is in, but if you demand anything from him at all, or expect to see him on your own schedule, he will just claim you are 'friends' and he doesn't want to...

 

and that bit about 'working on it slowly' with you is just being said whenever he wants to pop over for a bit of sex or support... he doesn't really want to work on it, just manipulate you into bed, and if nothing else works, he will use that.

 

so you are very right about your 'facts'... people who are caring and thoughtful really don't understand the motivation of selfish people, so you are looking for deeper meaning in his behavior right now, but i think he is just going with the flow, his OWN flow, and not thinking much about you or your feelings at all...

 

that bit about 'it's up to you' is just his way of showing he doesn't care all that much one way or the other, or else to assuage his own guilt... if you allow him to have sex and see you, then you are agreeing to his terms, which is no relationship, no commitment, no responsibility.

 

so it is best to say to him, 'yes, it is up to me, and i don't want to settle for someone who manipulates and uses me...' he may claim he is not doing that, but he is, really.

[kate111]

Excellent post.

[kate111]

To me his message translates to:

 

He wants to be "single" means he wants to have sex/ relationships with other women;

 

He wants to be "friends" means he wants to have sex with you but nothing serious.

 

I think it is very patronising how he put his message in capital letters.

 

If I was you I would stop all contact.

[MasterT]

Clearly this is a post from a person who really knows their stuff! Rant on!

[bar35]

I was dating this woman who broke up with me, for some reasons I understand. Ultimately we were not the best thing for one another, I just didn't see how she was ever really going to change so I gradually pushed her away. I used to try and address issues as they came up but she always felt as though I was just criticizing her instead of trying to work through things. Well when we broke up i was and still am quite upset, because I was able and willing to work on the issues which she had with me. I improved, got back to the parts of myself which characterized my strengths before and then we started hanging out. We hung out and we hung out. All the while not having sex, and me wanting to get back together. Progressively we spent more and more time together but she was never willing to take another go at it. She would say "She just wants to be alone." i would tell her "You're not alone, we spend time together." She would say "I mean not have a boyfriend." Eventually things started to get really rocky, her behavior started changing and she would cancel plans at the last minute while keeping me holding on. Finally she just disappeared and I learned that she started dating someone new. I have not, nor will I, contact her. She gave me the run around. Regardless of what a person says, what they do cuts through much more. The ex you are now getting out of your life would definitely bring you down this path. I promise you, you know it too. It is a horrible path to go down. You feel like you are left holding the bag with nothing in it, and they just get to go live their life exactly how they want, with no reprocussions, no sense of loss or grief, no trauma.

 

Selfish people. String along people. It's no good.

[kiama]

so fellow dumpees....

 

im sooo glad my 'facts' lol were not taken badly, i actually had a dream about this! i was banned from the site for being so negative!!!! for upsetting people. i ACTUALLY dreamt that!

 

well, considering we all agree on the facts... i was thinking why dont we all set ourselves a goal. try setting a big one, big because we will have to work harder to achieve it, and thereforeeee our minds will be kept busy. ive always been a creative person, very very imaginative. i have big ideas, but depression has taken the will out of me of late.

 

so, this is my goal. it is for ME, but i also know if i achieve it - the ex will be very surprised.

 

my goal. im going to put my creative ideas into practise, start a business, work extremely hard, and aim to save for a deposit on a house! Yes, a whole entire house. (where im from, the stupid rules on this island - houses for people not born here, are atleast 800 thousand pounds!) Its ridiculous. But stuff it, thats my goal. Its major, but i will do it.

 

I want my own beautiful house, that i can be proud of.

 

anyone else have a goal... want to make a goal? want to share your goal?

 

Lets get our minds moving!

 

(Ps... ok, i may sound so very positiv, but im warning you im sure ill have more posts of confusion still.... lol... one more confusing point..... TODAY, the ex set up a myspace account - i nearly had a heart attack... but he put up a picture of us together..... weird.....)

[bar35]

the goals are about the only thing that are giving me hope Ki. I got my band back together and we are taking steps to rent a monthly rehearsal space.

 

In addition to that I am going to finish a couple of screenplays that I have been working on and then shoot at least one of them. This will absolutely knock my ex on her * * *, since she is an actress and a performer but never knew this side of me, at least not well, because i was so lost in her.

 

I love that you are going to buy a house. Let's stay focused on our goals and report in. What steps did we take on a daily basis to get us there? How far do we need to go? Maybe even set up a time line with milestones along the way. There is nothing more empowering than self empowerment!

[ruby19]

Can I hop on the goal setting train??

 

Goals I had set for myself since the break up

 

1) Home buying - check, I take possession of my condominium April 26th

2) Lose weight - check, down 10 pounds

3) Be healthier - work in progress, eating better and going to the gym in fits and spurts. Today I signed up ahead of time for a bunch of classes so I'm committed to go.

4) Get over things, accept them and move on emotionally - complete disaster today, it seems every step I take forward I stumble somehow. Much harder to work on than the outward stuff.

[kiama]

Jump on, it can only help us no?

 

complete disaster today.... awww. its horrible isnt it. i was a complete disaster last night. and it wasnt even cos of him, another problem in my life, but i started bawling, forgot about the problem, and focussed on the break-up again, and then had that stupid chat on msn with him, once again asking if hed like to work things out when i get my stuff sorted, he said hed like to, but its a maybe, cos he cant promise what will happen.

 

urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

 

anyway, good goals....ruby...

 

i think ill add to mine,

 

1. cut down on the cigarettes - ive chainsmoked for 3 blo*dy weeks.

2. get toned. do some bl0*dy excersize.

 

i say ill do excersize everyday. so here goes.. short term goal.... ill do some excersize tomorrow, no lies. and ill tell you when im done. lol

[bar35]

Uh. Goal interference! One of my band mates is * * * * *ing about the cost of the monthly rental which is going makes me feel like I can't have any sense of stability going on right now. * * *.

 

All of this up and down is killing me. I feel so much stress i can't even believe it.

At least today i got some work done and that helped me to level off some.

 

Although right now I am feeling lost again.

[ruby19]

Sorry about your bandmate Bar35. I think we all need stability at a time like this and other people just don't get it. I'm trying to keep a busy schedule so I can stay focused on the positive but yesterday the Spinning class I wanted to go to was cancelled, and today the friend I was meeting for lunch bailed for some lame reason. These aren't bad things in the giant scheme of life but it made me upset more than it should have because I didn't realize how much you count on these things to have some stability. Argh.