i really like my brothers girlfriend

[r_moore21]

I had a very disturbing and thing happen recently and need anyone's advice. I can't stand anyone who is willing to go out with a girl and commit himself to a relationship then go behind her back with someone else but i wasn't prepared for what happened recently (sorry this is a complicated thing and i might sound frustrated but i was when i wrote this).

 

I came in from work, which i finish at about 3 in the morning, and i stood making myself a drink in the kitchen. Then i heard a bang upstairs in my brothers room so i went to check if he was alright but i caught him with another girl having sex in his bed (my brother has been in a relationship with a girl for a year and the one he was sleeping with was completely different). I didn't know what to do so i tried to forget about it and went to bed and had a very restless sleep thinking about his girlfriend and why he would do this to her.

 

I confronted him the next day and he tried to tell me i imagened it and said he was getting ready for bed, bearing in mind he gets back from work a lot earlier than me and my eye's don't tell lie's to me. But, then i started having feelings for his girlfriend who believe's he did nothing and won't believe he slept with someone else. i really like her but i won't hurt my brothers feelings even though i know he was in the wrong so as you can tell i am in a bid dilemma and don't know what to do. I would really appreciate the help!

[agualibre777]

oh man. i can't tell you the answer to that one. it's a hard delimna. Me, as a female would oooooh so want you to tell me about your brother if i was his girlfriend. would i. but then, i know that typically there's this silent rule to keep it to yourself and you can't say anything. but i really despise that rule. i bet on here you're gonna get a little bit of both. you just have to do some serious soul searching to figure that one out...

[r_moore21]

i know he know's what i saw but he is denying it for some reason which i am totally puzzled about and i won't tell his girlfriend until i know it is right to do that. I just can't think what is right for him and her but won't get me in trouble and i don't want to go against the feeling that his girlfriend has too much trust in him but he is abusing it which i dislike him for cus i could only wish for that kind of trust.

[cantexplain]

Saying that you imagined it is a very controlling thing to say.

 

What is the dynamic beween you and him? Does he usually have the upper hand? Now he is being deceptive with his girlfriend. I'd confront your brother with the truth. Don't let him get a way with this I say.

 

I mean telling you, you imagined it!! Oh my!

 

That's a common line that abusers use.

 

On the other hand, I wouldn't betray him with his other, first girlfriend - not yet at least. Sounds like this is a pivotal impasse, rite of passage between you and your brother.

 

My advice is to side with the truth.

[r_moore21]

The truth would be to just tell her what he did but i know he would interfere and doesn't seem to be lettin me near her just in case. He knows i saw them and there is nothing he can do about that but i am not the sort of person who would abuse this sort of thing and as for now having feelings for his girlfriend i don't know what to do because she sticks by him no matter what even though i know what i saw.

[cantexplain]

Why can't you call your brother out a second time to him very directly and express to him that telling you that you imagines something is just a big fat lie, and cheating on his good girlfriend is something you can't stand and stand idly?

[r_moore21]

My brother lie's a lot and most of the time i turn a blind shoulder because they are never as serious as this but now i know that to tell me i imagened it he is only trying to run away from the truth and maybe he realises what he did was wrong that is why i am confused. It's just that i don't know how to make him believe what he did was wrong and to tell his girlfriend because i don't think he has the bottle to tell her.

[cantexplain]

I see. Well good for you for being the honest one.

 

On a practical side, you have to live with him.

 

Also, his relationship with the first girlfriend is bound to end.

 

Questions now are:

 

1) Do you tell her now?

2) Do you tell her after it ends and before you show your own feelings for her?

3) Same as (2) above but afterwards, say when you get together.

4) (3) above, but a whole long time later after she is really into you and way over him!

(5) Never tell her.

[agualibre777]

woah, so you want to date her?? that would never be a good idea. never date your brothers girlfriend. if that's your plan you might as well just tell her now, because you'll be losing him as a friend anyways.

[r_moore21]

I really do wish i never had to answer questions like that but i am going to have to and i would most probably have to give my brother the opportunity to tell her and if he doesn't seem to want to then i will do the decent thing and let her know and decide for herself wether to believe me or not. As for the feelings part i will let her know gradually i think but only if i know he is over her

[DN]

Basically - it is not your business and you should not interfere any further. You should also not pursue his girlfriend. The problems that would be caused by doing one or both would potentially haunt you and your family for years.

[Rabican]

The right thing to do is to tell the girl... she deserves to know.

 

The right thing to do, is also probably going to ruin the relationship you have with your brother. Tough call.

 

Whatever you do... telling the girl you have some sort of feelings for her is only going to multiply the problems. That is one can of worms I wouldnt open. Either tell her, or not. Or maybe tell your brother that if he doesnt then you will. But dont tell her that you like her. Just find another girl.

[cantexplain]

DN is correct it is not your business.

 

You did open his bedroom door.

 

By the same token as he cheats on another you are a witness to this and it is hard since you have feelings for her.

 

There are cases where a sibling marries another siblings former partner. But this is accross time and without any dishonesty or betrayal.

 

Your brother's lie that you imagined this are shallow, unfair "code" words to not get involved. To do so would be to betray him. It would be nicer to know he could talk to you more directly and as an equal. And his first girlfriend did not make a deal with you to spy on your brother ... and if she did that would also be a bit sneaky for you the brother to do.

 

I'm sorry that you have to experience this in your house. I think you might find that if you step back this will play out in such a way that the first girlfriend ends up moving along. After some time passes you may find yourself into other people - or she may, too. After some more time you may find that you still have a friendship with her. But at this time truly the safest thing you can do is step back and try not to watch too closely.

[heloladies21]

It's not for you to decide your brother's morals, and if he can't come clean on his own, then it's not your place to get involved. As a man, it's his decision exclusively.

 

He's your brother and you owe him your allegiance even if it means telling him that he's wrong, but supporting whatever decision he makes.

 

Just understand this, if you do tell his gf, then there will be consequences and creating family issues over some girl who you really don't have anything to do with is not a smart move.

[mintblossom]

The right thing to do is to tell the girl what you saw.

 

It's called Integrity. Check it up in the dictionary. Just because your brothers doesnt mean you shouldn't say anything.

 

Treat others like how you want to be treated. What is the right thing to do?

 

Also....consider Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development. I suggest considering it from a post-conventional stage.

[cantexplain]

So what if he tells his brother that he is not going to believe he just imagined something when he didn't, cheating on someone is bad.

 

Then if the behavior continues and this poor girl continues to be kept in the dark, then consider telling her.

 

A lot of human history is made up of brother's who stand against one another for various reasons, many regarded moral ones. I think an equal argument can be made that it is unhealthy for this guy to stand idly by if someone he likes continues to get hurt by his brother.

 

This is an interesting thread.

[DN]

There are no moral or ethical certainties in this situation and I think it hazardous to suggest there are. What I think is that there is a conflict of rights - or perhaps wrongs.

 

What complicates the issue is that the OP has a romantic interest in the girl and that will call his motives into question.

 

A more practical and less theoretical problem is: what happens if he tells the girlfriend that his brother cheated and she believes him. Then he puts the moves on her and he will be immediately suspected of lying for his own benefit.

 

But it is also highly likely that the girlfriend will not believe him; either because she thinks he is simply making trouble or because she suspects his interest.

 

And there is also a possibility that she does believe her boyfriend cheated but decides to forgive him, in which case the OP is still going to viewed as the bad guy.

 

So there is a doubt as to the best way to proceed. And a good rule of thumb in life is ' if in doubt, be very cautious'.

[cantexplain]

There are no moral or ethical certainties in this situation and I think it hazardous to suggest there are.

Well, in most of the things we talk about here on ENA, there rarely are such certainties. That's why we hash it out here. Suggestions of certain absolute possibilities help drive the dialectics of our discussions. We should all remember it is up to each of us to decide for ourselves what is right or wrong for ourselves. And in these discussions, posters will often offer their absolute views - and hopefully without moral judgement on one another, especially the original poster.

 

 

What complicates the issue is that the OP has a romantic interest in the girl and that will call his motives into question.

Well, that is for definitely certain! Let's remember the title of this thread given to it by the original poster.

 

Issues of right or wrong are often undermined by alterior motives.

 

 

A more practical and less theoretical problem is: what happens if he tells the girlfriend that his brother cheated and she believes him. Then he puts the moves on her and he will be immediately suspected of lying for his own benefit.

Yep. I like the idea of sitting on the sidelines and seeing how this plays out. I've found that in most cases deceit and betrayal do catch-up with people. It just happens on a different time table than many witting observers would prefer. And during this time people continue to get hurt. Our goal, I think, is to help the original poster .. and more than anything help make sure he does not get hurt.

 

To get pulled in as a participant in such chaos can result in many unsuspected and more difficult results.

 

 

But it is also highly likely that the girlfriend will not believe him; either because she thinks he is simply making trouble or because she suspects his interest.

How true!! Your supposition is suggestive she is disbelieving because of the brother's possible motives. I think it is also likely because she simply would not want to believe it - be in denial - and use brother's motives to affirm this denial.

 

But I'd also say there is equal liklihood she may have her own suspicions and the another's observation may affirm them.

 

 

And there is also a possibility that she does believe her boyfriend cheated but decides to forgive him, in which case the OP is still going to viewed as the bad guy.

I'd say that is a very big possibility. I'd let this dishonest and betraying brother burn his own bridges. It might take awhile and people will be hurt along the way.

 

 

So there is a doubt as to the best way to proceed. And a good rule of thumb in life is ' if in doubt, be very cautious'.

Or better, if in doubt ... don't do it!

 

Thanks DN for all this in perspective.

[facade]

Here is what will happen...

 

You will sit down with her and tell her...she'll be deeply hurt and angry and you will console her, telling her how crappy that was that he did that and that you would never have hurt her that way. She will confront him and he will deny it. He will say that you just want to get together with her and you're making things up and she will believe him, then be very angry with you. I don't see any way that you can come out a winner by meddling in their affairs, even if it is morally right.

 

End result...angry brother that might last for years, as some have said AND no girl! Best to leave this one alone, I'm afraid. Let her figure it out for herself and then, perhaps down the road, you can hopefully have a good enough relationship with your brother, still, that attempting a relationship with this girl will not cause family problems.

[Rabican]

There are no moral or ethical certainties in this situation and I think it hazardous to suggest there are. What I think is that there is a conflict of rights - or perhaps wrongs.

 

I disagree completely. There is a moral situation and certainty here. Original Poster witnessed another person being wronged. The girlfriend is being cheated on behind her back... unknowingly. The RIGHT thing to do, would be to inform that person so that they do not waste their life with the cheating boyfriend.

 

Imagine that your brother marries this girl, and continues cheating on her for the next 10 years, at some point she finds out and then realizes not only did he cheat on her, but also gave her HIV or some other STD because of his cheating. All could have been avoided had she known.

 

Different situation, but similar in morality I believe to watching someone getting mugged.... you can either walk away like you saw nothing, or you can rise to the occasion and try to help the person.

[DN]

A mugging is a criminal act and cheating is not. The situations are thereforeeee not the same, morally or otherwise.

 

Before involving oneself in something that is really none of his business, the OP should also beware of the possibility of unforeseen consequences. It is not impossible that what may happen as a result of his interference could have ramifications beyond a break-up.

[SummerGirl38]

Excellent advice there, I agree, blood is thicker than water and nothing good can come from it. I think it's because you are carrying some kind of torch for her that you feel this way.

 

Would you feel the same if you thought the girl was ugly? or mean? (even though you knew she loved your brother) Probably not, you would leave it alone.

 

Speaking of leaving it alone, there is a rule written in a book somewhere I'm sure that you do not date an ex of a friend and especially an ex of a family member.

 

It's a road you just don't go down!

[Rabican]

A mugging is a criminal act and cheating is not. The situations are thereforeeee not the same, morally or otherwise.

 

Before involving oneself in something that is really none of his business, the OP should also beware of the possibility of unforeseen consequences. It is not impossible that what may happen as a result of his interference could have ramifications beyond a break-up.

 

We will have to agree to disagree about the morality of this.

 

I for one, could not sit there at my brothers wedding some day... and act like everything was fine and dandy knowing that he cheats on the girl sitting next to him. Maybe you could... but I think that says something about your character, and integrity.

I might go the route of having the brother tell the girl, or id tell her anonymously. I just dont think I could be witness to her being duped forever and bite my tongue.

[Nappy]

My suggestion - Don't tell your brother, DON'T date his girlfriend should she become his ex.

 

It is none of your business what your brother does. If you didn't have feelings about this girl you may not like his actions, but you likely wouldn't be killing yourself over whether or not to tell.

 

If your brother and this gal decide to get married - Well then that is probably a good time to step in simply because marriage is a huge step in HER life and she should know exactly who it is she is setting her future on. At this point, they are in a long term relationship and eventually, she will suspect and the truth will come out. All dogs get caught eating the cake at one point...Afterall, it leaves a beard mark clue around their snout.

 

With that, if it does get out of control then if she comes to you then maybe that's when you should think about what you will do with the information.

 

Until then, that is your brother's business. Your relationship with him is important.

 

As for your feelings for the girl....Just ride them out and do nothing about it. It is a clear and good rule that you just don't date your sibling's ex nor your friend's ex. It's just not respectful and causes for all sorts of emotions and problems. Just direct your attention elsewhere and find yourself another girl. Your feelings will disappear.