If I get divorce, my child will leave abroad. What to do.

[MrRight]

After nasty fights for many years, controlling behavior and physical aggression from her part (what she admitted to the therapist), my wife has been better in the last 2 months since we began therapy.

 

However, although I hate to admit, at least once a week I find myself questioning myself whether I am happy with her and whether I could find another woman better for me. It is a terrible thinking, but that comes to my mind like a vomit sensation which I can't control. Tonight I was driving from a getaway and I told her "well, we could visit that nice Casino because I've never been to one". Then she said "I don't go to Casinos due to my religion belief". So from there we engaged again in how we are different and how we should not be together. It is sad. She behaves better after the therapy, but I feel that our marriage is boring.

 

There are two things which bother me:

1)

My question is this, why the hell am I so insecure to put an end to this? For God's sake, it is terrible. I think that if I could find someone who could love me, then it would be easier to divorce her. However, I know it is almost impossible to find some a decent woman who would declare she loves me if I continue married. I think I am afraid of being alone if we get divorced.

2)

My child have a 4 year old. If I get divorced, she would head back to Europe to live there with their family. thereforeeee I would rarely see my son since I live in the US.

 

Can someone tell me what I should do in this case? I am not depressed and she has been behaving after the therapy. However, I feel that something is not right with me because I question all the time whether I should be happier than this in my marriage. Weird.

[Siriana]

My father lived in a different city because my parents were divorced and I used to see him only once a year during summer brake.

But he called me every single evening and it meant a lot.

Yes, it is difficult, but not impossible.

Plus, how do you know she'll go back - are you shure?

[Thornycactus]

I'll probably get blasted for this but here goes..................................I'd stay.......................unless there is a court order where she is only allowed to move a certain distance..................the welfare of your 4 year old child is more important than your immediate happiness........................afterall you did say she is getting better........................and you have a strong bond with your child...................this above all is worth more than any possible future relationship.....................I know it seems like a prison sentence, and the thoughts of repeating our parents mistakes................but ya love the little babe, right?..................and you will not only regret losing your child but probably chalk it down to the dumbest thing you've ever done........................maybe a little therapy for yourself...............as most marriages or long term relationships can get "boring" and routine..............you may need to rediscover what initially attracted you to her

[agent1607307371]

If she is controlling and physically aggressive, why would you not try to get custody?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Control and physical abuse....that is a character flaw that will probably not change. I don't know about physical abuse but from what I have seen about controlling people...that doesn't change and often gets worse with age....even if the person goes to counselling... Control issues are deeply deeply engrained in someone. I imagine that is why you are not happy in your relationship. Lots of people make the mistake of staying in controlling relationships because they don't want to be alone....and yet, it is better to be alone than to have someone control your life to the point where it ceases to be your life and you become an extension of them. Also know that your son will learn about relationships based on what happens within the family dynamic....that means he will either become a doormat for a controlling women later on in life...or he will become controlling and abusive to his partner as his mother behaved.

 

I don't know the laws of custody but you might want to ask a lawyer if there are laws about her leaving the country with your child.

[MrRight]

The truth is that when I met her, I was down, in a very bad financial situation, dependent. She offered me love and she trusted me. Then my financial situation and confidence have improved. She has not adapted to the situation. We do not have much fun. My values have changed. I have to admit that.

 

One should be required to take classes and training before getting married. Implications are too serious.

 

Yes, she will definitely move back home. She doesn't like here and she support from her family abroad.

 

I'll probably get blasted for this but here goes..................................I'd stay.......................unless there is a court order where she is only allowed to move a certain distance..................the welfare of your 4 year old child is more important than your immediate happiness........................afterall you did say she is getting better........................and you have a strong bond with your child...................this above all is worth more than any possible future relationship.....................I know it seems like a prison sentence, and the thoughts of repeating our parents mistakes................but ya love the little babe, right?..................and you will not only regret losing your child but probably chalk it down to the dumbest thing you've ever done........................maybe a little therapy for yourself...............as most marriages or long term relationships can get "boring" and routine..............you may need to rediscover what initially attracted you to her

[Thornycactus]

"Bad financial situation"........"down".........."dependent"...............and she offered you "love" and "trust"...............and now that your situation has improved things went sour?...................you outgrew her?she didn't grow as fast as you intellectually?.....................I can understand somewhat where she's coming from................she supported you in your lowest moments.........and when everything started to come together you have second thoughts about your relationship..........is this when the aggression and control started?............a defensive mechanism perhaps?last ditch effort of a drowning woman? Don't get me wrong..........if it's over it's over..............just think you should attempt to see it from her point of view....................how many times have we heard stories of a woman supporting a man, say for example, working through school to become say a physician...........the financial hardships.........lack of time together..........then the man/woman decides at the end of it all that they have "grown" while the other party did not "adapt"............only to be tossed aside for more equal party..............a nurse?another colleague?ask yourself did you really grow as a person?or did you get a little full of yourself?

 

Still think learning to work as a team to raise your child is the best option.............remember you are not the only one with feelings here............she probably has suspected for some time that you have grown apart from her..............and has feelings of depression and hurt, which may manifest into the aggression.................as long as the child is not a victim of this aggression, I believe your problem is worth solving

[thisisjustsowrong]

I don't believe in staying in marriages just for the sake of the children, as children are more miserable in unhappy households than they would be otherwise. But divorce should be the last option. Couples should try and work hard to try and save the marriages before they file for divorce. In your case since your wife will move overseas after the divorce you have more incentive to try to save the marriage. And you are saying she shows improvements after the therapy. I think you owe it to your child, your wife and yourself to give your all to saving your marriage. And I believe you can not do it if you see divorce as a way out of your miseries. Try to consantrate on saving your marriage, how to get closer to your wife, how to have fun with your wife and child instead of what wil happen if you end it.

 

Thinking the following is especially dangerous.

 

I think that if I could find someone who could love me, then it would be easier to divorce her. However, I know it is almost impossible to find some a decent woman who would declare she loves me if I continue married. I think I am afraid of being alone if we get divorced.

 

It's not helping that you are thinking how it will be easier to divorce your wife. Maybe you should work on your commitment to save your marriage. The counselling does not work if your heart is not in it.

 

You also said the following about your wife:

 

The truth is that when I met her, I was down, in a very bad financial situation, dependent. She offered me love and she trusted me.

 

Forgive me if I am wrong but It seems to me that every time you feel down you are looking for some woman to come and save you by offering her love. I don't mean to offend but I don't think this is a healthy approach.