Lies, when are they too big? Are small ones ok?

[figuringthingsout]

So I am looking for some advice.

 

Background:

 

I am involved, quite seriously, with a man who is separated from his wife. They are divorcing, no worries there, she is living with another man, and he is living with me.

 

I occasionally check his e-mail, why? I don't know. I guess I have trust issues. I have found that he doesn't always tell me the whole story when it comes to his ex and their daughter. So I check.

 

The other day I had to use his Cell Phone, nothing major, but he felt it necessary to tell her (the ex) through e-mail, that I had the phone and to contact him on his other cell phone if necessary. I'm not sure why he felt he needed to do this, other than to protect her from me. I'm not that bad of a person, had she phoned I would have told her how to get a hold of him. But I asked him if he had told her that I had the phone and to call him on another if necessary. He said no. No, he didn't tell her, there is no reason to tell her that. Blah blah blah. The next day when I gave it back, there was an e-mail informing her that he had it back and she could contact him there if needed.

 

So, Lies. I am being lied to. Is it a big one, no. Maybe not really. Maybe. Why lie to me about it. I can tell him I know, but then I will lose my e-mail access, and I would have to admit that I have been invading his privacy. (oops). When do you say, ummmmm no, I want the truth? And if I don't get the truth is it ok to just let it go? Doesn't that mean they just figured out that they can get away with it??

 

Sorry for the ramble. I am just confused, apparently we are in LOVE and want to marry. I just don't feel like I am getting 100% honesty, but is anyone???

[darkpumpkin]

Yes. It's sick but when you find out information and you ask point blank your testing that person. You seeing if you can trust them. To tell you the truth think about it this way. You checked his email, you confonted him, he told the truth that he had, I'm betting you would feel more trust in him then before. He maybe lying about other things, not saying he is but he could be. You have to have trust or it's all down hill.

[Daddy Bear]

People rarely say, "Yes, you look fat in those jeans," and that's ok by me. When is a lie too big? When it has the potential to wound someone when they find out about it.

[willow2900]

Well yes. You did break some trust by going into his email. It's your choice to tell him that or not. That's a tough pill to swallow, and you decide whether the realtionship is worth telling him that or not.

 

I am concerned because yes, it is just a phone, but he felt he couldn't be honest with you about it. Why? It could be that he doesn't want you to think he contacts his ex. But that's kind of silly to me. If they have a child, they are going to be in contact with each other for the rest of their lives. Or maybe it's because he thought it would hurt you. But if it's that and you've willingly entered into a relationship with a person who is becoming divorced than you've decided to take on those challenges: one being contact with his ex frequently and regularly.

 

Personally, I would have a problem with this. But that's me. Not you. If you want him to own up to his actions here you have to own up to your own. But I don't think you can just push it all aside either without it bubbling up later. Before you marry this guy get a clear vision of how his relationship with his ex is going to work. Sit down with him and ask him to be really specific (even if it's stupid stuff like "I call her to let her know I'm late...") But that way you aren't sitting and wondering. And maybe him being clear with you will help you to stop going into his email. It's tempting, but you have to stop that.

 

Good luck. Hope you can work this out because you seem to really love this man. All the best.

[hosswhispra]

I just don't feel like I am getting 100% honesty, but is anyone???

 

Good question. I don't know. But how do you feel being in a relationship with some you do not fully trust? If you can accept that then it's ok. If not then you're going to have to decide what you want to do about it.

 

I don't see this situation improving though. You're going to continue checking up on him looking for things to confirm why you don't trust him in the first place. That seems like a rather tiresome thing to have to constantly think about. Does it seem like it is worth the time and effort for you to do?

[DN]

Could it be that this is a 'which came first - the chicken or the egg?' issue?

 

You say that you have trust issues. People who feel that they are not trusted will often hide things from their partner that they feel will trigger more distrust. He may have thought that it is easier to lie to you than have to face your distrust.

So perhaps you should consider where your lack of trust comes from. Is it from a previous relationship or simply over this particular issue? Do you have any other reason to mistrust him?

[lizziebee]

People rarely say, "Yes, you look fat in those jeans," and that's ok by me. When is a lie too big? When it has the potential to wound someone when they find out about it.

 

Leave it to SB to sum this up for me! So perfect SB! You are amazing. Anyway, I went through some similar stuff with the bf, who I am now living with and I can tell you there is just no such thing as 100% honesty. I will be honest here right now and tell all of you that before I met the bf I had a "FB" (but also a close friend) we got together 2 times, we are still friends-NOT buddies, but we both agreed, after having met at close range again, with his gf renting my old place, DO NOT TELL EITHER ONE OF OUR SO's ABOUT OUR ACTIVITIES....He has a good reason, very sweet but jealous gf, and mine is exactly the same...Thing is that I don't get is that he can talk endlessly about his past sexual history but if I bring up just one sexcapade he goes haywire...So I keep this lie between me, myself and the man I will call "B"....TTFN!

[figuringthingsout]

I am concerned because yes, it is just a phone, but he felt he couldn't be honest with you about it. Why? It could be that he doesn't want you to think he contacts his ex. But that's kind of silly to me. If they have a child, they are going to be in contact with each other for the rest of their lives. Or maybe it's because he thought it would hurt you. But if it's that and you've willingly entered into a relationship with a person who is becoming divorced than you've decided to take on those challenges: one being contact with his ex frequently and regularly.

 

I totally understand him communicating with his ex, I expect it. He knows that I wouldn't be hurt if he talked to her. I don't know why he chose to lie. I wish I did. I do wonder what is next, and if I will find out.

 

It almost seems that he is protecting her from having to speak to me. Which makes me mad I guess. We live together, yet she will only phone him on his cell phone, never our house, Unless she knows I am not around. He lets this behaviour go. Do I let it go? Is that why he lied? So she wouldn't have to acutally talk to me? I am the mean nasty new girl friend you know.

 

Oh well, thanks for the responses. It gives me alot to think about.

[willow2900]

Do I let it go? Is that why he lied? So she wouldn't have to acutally talk to me?

 

The only way you are going to find out why he lied about it is to ask him.

 

Can you let it go? Maybe let him know that you are ok with her calling the house when you are there and open up that conversation. If you want this relationship to last you are going to have to figure out a way that you are not going to be filled with suspicion every time he's on his cell. You have to talk with him and discuss this if you want to marry him. This seems like an issue that can become really big really fast if you don't.

[figuringthingsout]

The only way you are going to find out why he lied about it is to ask him.

 

Can you let it go? Maybe let him know that you are ok with her calling the house when you are there and open up that conversation. If you want this relationship to last you are going to have to figure out a way that you are not going to be filled with suspicion every time he's on his cell. You have to talk with him and discuss this if you want to marry him. This seems like an issue that can become really big really fast if you don't.

 

 

Thanks Willow, all of your suggestions are GREAT, the only problem is I have already done everything. I've told him she can call the house, and he says she wont. Ok, well why not? And why did she the other night when I wasn't home, but had his cell phone?

 

It seems really silly and small yes, but really why can't they be open with their communication? I don't know. Trust is hard, this isn't the first time he has been dishonest about things with her. It all is beginning to pile up. Maybe it is time to move on.

[willow2900]

Trust is hard, this isn't the first time he has been dishonest about things with her. It all is beginning to pile up. Maybe it is time to move on.

 

Whoa....ok. What else has he been dishonest about? The other posters on this thread are correct when they mention that lying about this is a precursor to a future problem, or one that already exists.

 

Time to move on? Well, only you can answer that. You've got to decide whether or not you want to work at this, or to move on.

 

If you want to work at this you have GOT to talk to him. I know that you said you have but talk again and be very clear about what YOU feel about her calling his cell. That it makes you feel like there's something to hide, rather than being open and upfront. Tell him those things.

 

Or, if you want to end it. I guess go do that. It's your choice now. What do you feel?

[figuringthingsout]

Well there has been a couple of things, nothing big, which is why I am confused about why he has to be dishonest. For example, she asked for 12 months of post dated cheques for child support. He told me that he wrote them out for her, but instead of doing that he actually only wrote 5 till May and was going to see what to give her in June. I only found this out because he asked me to get him a cheque for his brother. I asked, why lie about it?? He's like, I don't know. I told him that there is no point to the lie, just say no I wrote 5 and am going to recalculate in June. Ok, that's no problem. Like, it's weird. I am wondering if he lied to her ALOT and just isn't used to or doesn't know how to tell the truth. Saturday morning again, we are lying in bed and the cell phone rings to tell him his daughter is up and ready for him to come and get her. I say again, she can phone the house, you do live here. He says I know, I don't know why she doesn't. I don't even believe that he has told her to stop using the cell phone as the main line of communication. Maybe it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I am a bit of a control freak, so maybe this is something I can't control and am just not accepting it. I do enjoy my time with him, and I do love him. I just have to figure out what to do with him. I have tried to talk to him about it. I really have, I get yes I know, no I don't know why she does things the way she does.

Oh well thanks again for giving me somewhere to get this all off my chest.