Help me: Marriage Now, or Later?

[secretsoul]

Hi there. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. It has been a wonderful relationship in every aspect - we have so many things we enjoy doing together and talking about, we are very in tune to each other's feelings, we have the most sensational sex and lots of it because we are so very attracted to each other. A few months ago, he asked if I wanted to marry him and I said yes. However, when it comes to setting an exact date for our marriage, I always get scared. When he suggests a time period, I always want to delay it. I know for a fact I would like to marry him. He says that he's ready whenever I'm ready. The thing is, why am I not ready? I love him so much and know for a fact in my heart I want to be with him. But I'm frightened. What should I do? My parents tell me that marrying at our young age would be the worst thing to do, because of financial struggle and inexperience. That's instilled fear in me, I admit. But it seems the fear is also coming from deeper inside of myself. I keep thinking, what if we marry, and what if all this wonderful love we feel for each other goes away? I guess I'm insecure.

 

Furthermore, I'm worried that if I do not agree to marry him soon, he'll move on to someone else. I know I must sound horribly insecure in this relationship, but I'm really not. I know when he says he'll wait he will wait. These fears I'm having are unfounded. I have talked to him about my fears even, and he verifies that they're unfounded. However, he is very disappointed that I do not want to marry him now. Which is why I'm worried he'll change his mind about ever wanting to marry me, simply because I'm not ready now! I hope this makes sense.

 

He doesn't understand why I'm not ready to marry him now. From his point of view, he sees the magnificence of this relationship, and sees that nothing could ever go wrong. I see that too, but I also see what can go wrong. My lover is an idealist to the extreme, and I'm a realist. Our outlooks on this marriage are different.

 

So basically what I need help with is this: Should I get married now, despite my fears, and basically take a leap of faith? Will my lover's idealistic attitude conflict with my slightly more realistic one? Do you foresee any possible problems if I do choose to marry him sooner than later?

 

I'm also worried that I'll never be ready. Ideally, I'd be ready now, if I focused on the love and happiness we share. But realistically speaking, there seem to be a lot of factors that could cause our marriage to not work out in the end. I just don't want to jeopardize the degree of love and happiness we both feel together... I know marriage shouldn't do that, but its a big, big step... ideally, marriage deepens a bond, right? I'd love to believe that, but what would living together constantly do to that bond? Deepen it or make us snap out of this romantic phase we're in, and start to see each other's faults, and then realize we made a mistake, and then have us leave each other, simply because we married before we were truly ready?

 

I'd love to hear anyone's input on this, because I'm worried sick about so many things. Please help me out guys! I'm confused!!!

[RayKay]

My advice honestly is to wait. I don't want to sound...like the critical one here...please do not take it that way...

 

19 is very young, and a year at this age you are is even less time than it would be when you are older. I imagine some of your fears are more about wondering if it will "last" but that itself is more reason to take your time at this stage. I am not saying at 19 it can't work...but I can guarantee no matter how mature you are, you are BOTH going to change a lot in the next few years..make sure before you marry you can grow together and work together.

 

It's great that you have fantastic sex, and great attraction....but, how do you communicate over money and finances? How do you share your time together and apart? How do you work together in terms of conflicts between each other, or when conflict arises due to outside pressures? How do you react to him when you feel insecure about these things?

 

I suspect part of why you feel this way is because things seem "too perfect" and you are not sure how together you are going to deal with the bigger issues.

 

I would advise you wait at least another year or two, focus on your schooling/education and building some finances, and then worry about planning your MARRIAGE (rather than your wedding). If you both truly love one another, you won't need to rush it. And if he leaves because you don't want to rush it...he never really loved YOU, rather the idea of you, and you would of been facing a divorce , infidelity, etc when the shine wore off anyway if that is his approach to things. If he loves you, he will be patient and not force things after only a year at this age.

[RayKay]

He doesn't understand why I'm not ready to marry him now. From his point of view, he sees the magnificence of this relationship, and sees that nothing could ever go wrong.

 

By the way, that comment there, or belief, if he believes that is for ME, reason to NOT get married right now. Because love, and life, are not easy. And not being realistic about how you are going to truly deal with them is a sure way to mean you won't know how when you get there.

 

That to me signals he is more in love with the idea of the "perfect marriage" than the realities of a lifetime together.

[RayKay]

And what are those factors that have you thinking it might not work? I would not go into this until you have thought and dealt with those too.

 

Marriage only deepens a bond if the couple works at it, and the bond is already there. Otherwise it just makes it more difficult to leave...but even married couples can be "far apart" and have a weaker bond than unmarried couples.

[agent1607307371]

In terms of commitments this huge, you should only move as fast as the slowest person.

 

Why is it so imperative to him that you set a date? Can't he just enjoy being engaged? I don't get the feeling that he totally gets all the responsibilities and commitment that comes with a marriage.

 

Odd question, but is it the marriage he wants, or the wedding?

[isisastaria]

I think your intuition is setting in. I agree w/Raykay re the idea of great sex. Sex can really cloud judgement.

 

When I was around your age I was in the exact same situation. I had been with my fiancee for a year. He was two years older than I was. He was my brother's best friend. His sister was my best friend. Our families had known each other for many years.

 

I ended up getting pregnant (he absolutely convinced me this would be alright and he would help me with the baby). I saw hardly a flaw in the guy at all. I thought for sure he would stick by me forever. He ended up sleeping with another girl after stopping contact with me for about two months. He then left with a girl from another state he had been in contact with. They just had their third child.

 

I thought he would never betray me, never suggest anything out of the best for me. I thought he was the absolute best person to marry and that I would never love another. I think he has his issues...yes...but guys that young sometimes just do not realize what they are saying or thinking until it's too late. Then they realize they just weren't ready after convincing their girlfriend otherwise. It happens ALL the time. I know I am not just a single case. When young people talk with their ehem... sex drives in tow they sometimes don't even realize what they are saying. And you, my dear...highlighted sex as the star of the relationship. I see this as very dangerous for you both. I would steer clear of any talk of marriage until you are so sure you want to that nothing else would even make sense.

[Jetta]

Trust your intuition here. You're having well founded fear and that should be adhered to. Don't get married, have a long engagement, if he leaves you because of it it wasn't meant to be.

[secretsoul]

Agent, he really wants the whole thing: the wedding which preludes the marriage which means us living together. And just a further note: You guys tapped into something that's been bothering me also. Sex is a HUGE part of our relationship, but I love it and so does he... is it true that the sex is clouding both of our judgments?? Because apart from sex, we do have the best time together - we have lots of outside interests in common. But the sex really is probably some of the best ever had, lol, no joke. Our chemistry is AMAZING. However, when he does talk about marriage, something he frequently brings up is: "think of all the great sex we'll be able to have, anytime, anywhere we want!" I too like this idea, but is it possible thats what he's wanting this marriage so soon for??!?!?

[RayKay]

There is nothing wrong with great sex of course, but when it becomes how you "trade" your love at the expense of other things it can be. Besides, you are both still young, of course the sex is thrilling and "the best ever"! Don't confuse sexual chemistry for long term, committed through thick and thin love...

 

I don't know...I think your gut is telling you something about him, and the relationship and it won't hurt to give it more time, until after the "honeymoon period" wears off and you really see each other for whom each other TRULY is....flaws and all. If you can still say "yes, I want to get married to you" when you do accept one another's "warts" and all...THEN maybe it is time.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Marriage is a big step. Ideally, it's bonding your life to someone else's life until you die. And it's perfectly rational to want to take your time in an engagement, especially when you're young. Some of the pressure he's putting on you might come from wanting to move in together. Have you considered the potential of living together while you're engaged, then getting married later on - i.e, after you finish college?

[sophie274]

Hey

 

I agree with the others that you should wait - especially since you are having doubts. You two have not been together too long, and you are quite young to be considering marriage.

 

I disagree to some extent about a "gut feeling" that you might be having (as in, a gut feeling that your fiance is not commited to you, is not who he pretends to be, or that you don't love him). Maybe your instinct is telling you something, but more likely I think your fear of marriage has nothing to do with your fiance, but more with your age. I have been with my bf for almost 1 1/2 years and am 19 as well, am I would be so scared of marriage. Not to do with him, but simply because I am not ready to make that type of commitment now.

 

I'm surprised he doesn't understand your reluctance. Is he much older than you? Does he have a job? If he isn't older with security/income, it sounds like he might be a bit immature, and not truly considering what he is getting into...not thinking that much in the long term. Just thinking of the 19 year old guys I am friends with, the thought of "forever" and buying a house and having kids freaks them out just a bit - which I think is the standard reaction.

 

My advice would be to wait until you two have a better idea of what it will mean to be partners forever - and until you have the stability required for that. If he can't understand that you want to wait, and that is a dealbreaker for him, then that would say an awful lot about how ready he is for marriage himself (if he's your age), and I don't think you want to marry if neither he nor you are ready.

 

Good luck!

[secretsoul]

He is a year older than me. I think moving in together before marriage would be a good idea to see how it will be when we are actually "married". He has a job, albeit not a high-paying one, and he isn't that committed to it honestly. He tends to blow off responsibilities when a more desirable option comes up (not a remarkable trait, but I accept it because I love him so much). We currently both go to school together, enrolled in the same classes, headed towards a joint career of perhaps sex therapy, lol. We have discussed that for our future anyways. I don't have a job and have never had one, as I've never really needed one nor desired one. He says that if we get married, he will get a higher paying job so that he can support me. I just don't think he understands how financially bad-off we would be. He says he doesn't care about money, as long as he has his love by his side, the rest doesn't matter. Its so sweet and I hate having to remind him about society's expectations of its members (taxes, money, jobs, all those things)... we both are dreamers, and I want so badly to believe that it could work out. I know it couldn't though... it kills me inside when I see how sad he gets when I remind him of these things... he still doesn't care and wants to marry me. He's a fantastical person in his ideas, which I find fascinating, but I know he's just not thinking this through reasonably. I hate being reasonable, but this is not something to take lightly. He's ready to commit to me forever, have children with me, and grow old with me.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Don't hate being reasonable here, Secretsoul. What you're doing is looking out for yourself. You can't go into a marriage with just dreams of how things are going to work out and no solid plans - that's a road straight to pain and divorce. He sounds very idealistic, and I think you might want to just flat-out tell him that you're both going to have to live in the real world. His idealistic views on finances make me wonder what other dreams he has about what married life will be. Is he being realistic about what marrying you will mean, or is he building a fantasy life in his head?

[sophie274]

Hi, thanks for all the extra info!

 

You seem to have a lot of insight into the workings of your fiance's mind. So he's a dreamer.I think it's normal for him to be idealistic. That's what the college years are about really. But it also means (in my opinion) that he is absolutely not ready to get married.

 

Marriage is a partnership that is about love and excitement but also stability - emotional, financial, etc... You need someone who can contribute to this partnership, someone you can rely on. Shirking responsibility, doing lackluster work, ignoring the reality of bills and mortgages - those qualities are going to be extremely destructive for a marriage.

 

Would be ok being married to your fiance if his attitude towards work/money did not change? Your answer can be either yes or no, but if you marry him now, the answer to that question would have to be yes - you can't expect that he will change.

 

I hope I don't sound too harsh - I don't mean to lecture or criticize, and your fiance sounds like a great guy to me ... just maybe not ready to walk down the aisle. I think it's great you two are in school together - keep it up. Even if you wait 3 more years to get married - you will be a very young couple and can attain maybe 70 years of marriage! That's an awfully (in a good way) long time!

 

Re: moving it. It's your decision. It is my opinion that a strong relationship does not necessarily need the "trial phase" of living together before marriage, but many couples do choose to do that and it works out for them. If you are not sure you are ready to be married though, do you think you are ready to live together? Since you are in college, maybe it would be better to get immersed in campus life - living with your fiance might damper your ability to connect with other students. Do you have someone you could talk to to help you sort out your thoughts on living together?

 

I hope this helped even a little bit. I wish you all the best!

 

(I just re-read my post and I realized how much I was repeating myself from the last post - sorry ! I think it's great you've decided to wait, and I also think it's great that you are thinking about what a marriage would look like and what components you want for your marriage. PM me if ever you want!)