How many girls here have been used for sex?

[mintblossom]

sigh....I feel like the only one. But that can't be true. sigh.....it really bothers me how a man can manipulate, lie, coerce you into having sex, then dump you the next minute, and THEN blame it all on you for coming onto HIM, and then pinning all the guilt and blame on you. It's so twisted. I swear he was setting it up the whole time. It was the first time I have met someone who can lie so easily and so fast.

 

I do not understand how a person can care about their image, care to "look" like a good guy, then set me up on purpose, lie, manipulate, distort reality, behave and treat me badly and then say it's all my fault. I always thought of sex as a very intimate, special experience to share with someone I cared about and valued. Not a meaningless animal act with someone you don't even like or care for and someone you have no scruples in hurting and kicking when their down. I think one of the worst parts is that he just doesnt care and never cared about me.

 

I feel scarred for life....it's so hard for me to wrap my head around this. I'm sure he sleeps easily at night but I feel very tormented and disturbed.

 

So.....who else has been used for sex? and what happened?

[Night Pumpkin]

I agree there are people out there who have set up whole plans on how to seduce and them dump a girl. There are whole websites and clubs dedicated to that sort of thing.

 

All I have to say is to take anything in a relationships SLOWLY. For me, I would never start a romantic relationship with a girl unless I had known her as a friend for a year. And then it would be a while for a 1st kiss, a long time before a marriage proposal, and sex only after marriage. Taking things quickly leaves one vulnerable to perverts.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Unfortunately, I know a lot of guys who harbor some very chauvenistic views. These, ironically, are the same guys that get what they want outta women. Though I'm no feminist, and ultra-feminists can annoy me as much as chauvenists do, I think a lot of guys can be jerks. Yes, most of us do think with our hormones, but it can be just as bad for the nice guy that gets walked all over and rejected who turns schizoid as it is for the jerk who uses a veil to cover up his materialistic intentions. All I can say is, yes, most of us are selfish jerks, but not all of us are. It's a quest that is more difficult for some than others. Me? I'm trying to find a lady that isn't a dog.

[mikeca]

but also remember theres a few of us who tend to be more like a prince charming, you just gotta look harder to find us nowadays

[Batya33]

Unless there is rape or assault or the man promises to be your exclusive boyfriend and says he wants a commitment I don't think there is such a thing as "using for sex" unless the woman (I am leaving out teenagers and young girls!) agrees she is also using him for sex. I don't like the image of women as victim outside of the rape/assault/lying about commitment because it's not accurate. The woman agreed to casual sex and then the man doesn't call for whatever reason - maybe because all he wanted was sex, maybe some other reason. The woman feels badly because she hoped for more - she listened to his sweet nothings that fell short of a promise of commitment, she allowed herself to be pressured - but I don't think that amounts to "using" unless she also used him - after all, she could walk away after the casual sex too, yes?

 

I have been with men who sweet talked me, who tried to pressure me into having sex - men I was really attracted to - but I stood my ground - sometimes they walked and sometimes they stayed, sometimes it made them respect me more. There was one time I had sex earlier than I was comfortable having and I do feel he took advantage of my vulnerability (a close relative had just died and I was kind of out of it) but I do not believe he used me because I chose to have sex with him (we were exclusively dating at the time, continued to date for 3 more months).

 

Believing yourself to be the victim and used almost guarantees a repeat "performance" because it won't motivate you to work on yourself and your actions and behavior to stop the pattern.

[rocio]

Some guys are just like that. As you get more dating experience, you'll learn to spot them a mile away. In the meantime, you've been a casualty in the dating war and I feel for you. hugs.

[Locke2121]

teardrops hunny, your gonna make me start cryin' if you keep up like this! Forget the past and move on, your too nice of a person to let it mess with your life..

 

Nice subject though.

[joiseygrl]

I think the number of times I was "used" for sex and the number of times I "used" a guy for sex pretty much evens out. It's a sucky feeling if you're really into someone and it turns out all they wanted was sex, but it does happen all the time. So if what you're looking for is to know that you're not the only one, you're not.

[AwdreeHpburn]

How many guys have?

[astaro]

i have never been used for sex, and have never used another person for sex, i had "meaningless" sex twice and both sides where very much aware that it was going no where past sex.

[mintblossom]

I am very traumatized. I have just never met any people like this and I hope I never do again. Well, the guy in question, he knew I had been abused before, he knew that I was kind of spaced out, vulnerable, trying to rebuild my life and that I was lonely. I went out with him a few times. His friend asked me to hang out and I told him about it. He did not seem to care and he was OKAY with it. So I went, and then he waited until the week after Thanksgiving where I was wondering how come I never heard from him....to YELL at me about it. I was so shocked, and then his friend accused me of lying and deceiving and being shady. I was even more shocked because I could have sworn I was honest and upfront and they both knew and didn't care. To this day, I do not think I did anything wrong. I think it was a setup.

 

So that experience really really shook me up and ketp me offbalance.....I had told the guy numerous times that I did not like casual sex. I knew myself, that I could not do that....I take these things really hard. He strung me along for a few weeks longer. (I think I saw him for about 4 months.) Then the second I slept with him.....it was like he changed into a totally different person - an uberasshole. I have never seen anyone flip faces that fast. It was frightening and unnerving. He literally flipped faces.

 

I just thought that since I was very clear on my views that I don't like casual sex and I am a relationship type person (I must have told him this 50+ times), that a person would be clear and tell me he wasn't interested. I didn't really expect a commitment out of the sex but to be dumped in the parking lot then and there....that was the SHOCK. He did not even have the decency to tell me in his apartment and let us talk about it. It was like he wanted to drive the point home that he was using me. I felt it was almost more about power, control, and the satisfaction of manipulating and using me then it was about sex. He hurt me because he could and I think that he got joy out of successfully hurting me.

 

I had not felt bad about it during or after the act but then what happened afterwards.....that really affected how traumatized I became. I think for him it wasn't about the sex, it was about getting pleasure from treating me badly and hurting me....like I was an enemy or something. He got some sort of satisfaction out of breaking me down. That is the part when my feelings started to change and it started to feel like rape. Not because it wasn't consensual but because of the brutal attitude....it was more about power, control, manipulation, winning, and hurting.

[rocio]

I just thought that since I was very clear on my views that a person would be clear and tell me that wasn't what he looked for.

 

No, it doesn't work that way. I also wish it did. I mean, why can't the guy just be straightforward about what he's looking for? Especially when you make it clear that you're looking for something specific, and he lies and pretends he's looking for the same. Don't worry - not all guys are like that. But way too many of them are. I don't understand it either. How do they sleep at night? What do they tell themselves to rationalize that kind of cruel behavior?

 

I know a guy who's like this. He doesn't care if the girl is a virgin, sensitive, sweet, honest.. doesn't matter. He's after one thing. And he'll string her along for months if that's what it takes. Absolutely disgusting.

[mintblossom]

He had the audacity to tell me I was a "nice nice" girl and let's be "friends". I could not wrap my mind around this notion. Friends?? How could I be friends with someone who would treat me that way? Does he even know what a friend is?

 

He also knew I was scared because I did not have much dating experience. I had only been with the abuser for a loong time and it was my first time dating after the abuse. I had waited about 2 years after the abuse I think. I wasn't sure what dating is like or how people date and he knew I was trying to figure it out. I know it's stupid of me to have told him I had been abused and that I had never dated much.

 

Now I feel very dirty and ashamed. I feel like I did something horribly dirty and wrong. I keep showering but it hasn't gone away. I feel like a prostitute or something dirty. I talk about this in therapy but I dont know why I have such feelings. It's been about 1 year since it happened.....and I still have the same feelings of fear, shock, fright, turmoil, trauma etc.

[Locke2121]

Your breakin' my heart girl!

 

I think you need a change of location. Try places where nicer guys tend to congregate. Join a church or local club. Something along those lines. I'd think by now, you could tell if someone is stringing you along and could dump the biotch before he made his "conquest".

 

YOUR NOT DIRTY! Your a wonderful girl who was taken advantage of! *sigh* Sometimes I hate the internet. If I could talk to you in person, I could make you see just want a wonderful girl you are. I've brought other people out of funks like this before...but I need to see, touch and interact with them on a personal level. I'd take you out to dinner, movies and such. I'd introduce you to nice people at parties and get them to help me make you feel loved and important.

 

Oh well....I hope that a few words on a screen can help. Your not a dirty girl...your a sad one, one that has lost alot of faith in herself, and I'm sure mankind in general. But we're not all like that teardrops! Not even close...please remember that there is someone out there who is waiting for you to love them for the next sixty years. Its true.

[rocio]

I feel like I did something horribly dirty and wrong. I keep showering but it hasn't gone away. I feel like a prostitute or something dirty. I talk about this in therapy but I dont know why I have such feelings. It's been about 1 year since it happened.....and I still have the same feelings of fear, shock, fright, turmoil, trauma etc.

 

He is the one who is dirty. Seriously, he's a . You haven't done anything wrong or dirty. Sex is a beautiful thing and you had all the best intentions. Stop letting him punish you. He will get what's coming to him (trust me, he will).

[mintblossom]

Thanks...I don't know why these feelings are coming back. I was able to push it out of my mind for a long time but lately the feelings are flooding back. Do you think I should make an emergency appt for therapy?

 

I am also scared that people will look down on me and think I am disgusting or stupid for allowing this to happen to me. I am afraid if anyone knew they would think I was dirty and gross and had no morals and values. I have never let me family or friends know. I have not even talked about this in detail with the therapist....only very generally. I just don't want people to put me down or disrespect me or look down on me because of this.

 

I am also scared that he will spread rumors that I sleep around or tell stories of how messed up I am. I hate it when people gang up on me in a team. I think that is what broke me the fastest. I used to think they were "nice" people...but yesterday when I was looking at link removed....I recognized the profile characterisitcs.

[Batya33]

I found your post a little confusing. You tell him 50 times at least no sex without a commitment, then you have sex with him, then you say that you would have been ok without a commitment but not ok with being "dumped" right after sex. I am NOT judging you, I am just confused. If you want a commitment then be consistent - no sex until that time comes. Period. Now sure he acted jerky -- but in a way you took that chance because you showed him by your actions that even though you tell him 50 times, you still agree to have sex without a commitment. So, he may have been confused.

 

As far as your past I am very sorry you had those bad experiences. Now, this is going to sound cold, but a new man in your life is not responsible for those experiences and is not responsible to tell you when you say "yes" that you should say "no" because there is no commitment. That is your responsibility. Knowing you were that vulnerable, your responsibility was to take things really slowly and to watch the feet -what he did - not what he said. Did he ever tell you "I understand about your past, so let's take things slow - no sex until we've been dating several months and are in a committed exclusive relationship?"

 

My advice - if you are that vulnerable, do not date or have sex until you have healed. Meet people, socialize, do fun things, maybe have a casual dinner with someone or go to a concert, but keep it light until you are strong enough to be in a relationship. It's a little - a little - unfair to a man to expect him to treat you with kid gloves because you happen not to be that strong at the moment, particularly if you say OK to sex. If you're telling me that your "yes" was not a real "yes" to casual sex because you were incapable of consenting, then that would be rape - but it sounds like you made the choice to go ahead with it, yes?

 

I don't think badly of you for having had casual sex - or badly of you at all - I am sorry you feel badly. The issue isn't the number of partners, but your feeling that you have been used and that you are the victim of these men.

[rocio]

Baya's right, but she's NOT saying that this was your fault or that you did anything wrong. You learn from past experiences and, as painful as this has all been, you learned something from it. Don't listen to the sweet words a guy tells you. Pay more attention to his actions. Still, some guys can be really smooth and it's not your fault.

[Locke2121]

Hmmm....ok I'm starting to see where your wires are crossed just a tad. Your not telling people are you???!!! You NEED people to know, not that your a dirty girl, your not. You need people to know that this man is a player!

 

Now I get it! You think that people are going to think your some dirty girl because you let him get what he wanted! But you need to turn the blame around back to him where it belongs. Tell people how he used and manipulated you. How the bastich was so sweet and caring, and then the second he got what he wanted, he dumped you for fresh pastures. Let all your friends in on it, let their righteous anger at you being used fill you up. Let the whole damn world know what he did, spread it so far and wide that the d##kless wonder never get another date with a good girl again.

 

Place the blame were it belongs, on him!

[Batya33]

I think it's a big mistake to tell people - especially potential dates/relationships, that you were the victim of a man lying to you to get you into bed, even if that is what happened. First, it shows a lot of baggage, second it might give the impression of sour grapes/woman scorned as in "she's just doing that to get revenge because he rejected her" and if names are used a lot of people - myself included - are uncomfortable hearing gossip about people we know because we worry that we could be the next target.Also there might be retaliation by the man or his friends/current girlfriend.

 

She might get sympathy from some but the risks of looking cynical/bitter/vengeful or even promiscuous (which is not true but that might be the impression) are too high and it's not worth it in the end. If the man in question had raped or assaulted her, then sure, but if not, it might seem sketchy.

 

Better to simply move on and decide to stop having casual sex -- I don't know of any "player" type who will stick around for months waiting for sex where the woman insists she will not have sex until they've been dating exclusively for several months.

[mintblossom]

Well, there were little inconsistencies with him from the beginning. I was kind of freaked out by him but when I asked his friend about him, his friend denied it all. I trusted his friend for a long time.....and then I went on link removed and I realized his friend is one of those workplace bullies - the charming two-faced backstabber. I did not even find out that his friend had been talking trash about me until about 4 months after this thing happened because he always pretend and told me that he stuck up for me.

 

I always thought that you had to do something bad to someone for them to try and hurt you for no reason. Or to hate on you or backstab you or something. It felt like they were punishing me on purpose for everything that was wrong with their lives. There was definitely some satisfaction to it. I took people as being honest at face value. I always thought it's just so easy to go out and find people who will have casual sex right away that no one would want to wait around for several months or to try and manipulate it. I thought people would be good enough to leave a naive person alone.

 

I don't think I will tell anyone because I wont have anything to do with him, his friend, or his other friends. I don't want people who are capable of treating people like that near me.

[Batya33]

Good for you! Of course there are people who take advantage of vulnerable people - you have to watch your own back and I think you've received great advice here on how to do that. Good luck!

[mintblossom]

It makes me think of the world differently, it makes me think of people differently. I feel very shocked and terrified. I always thought they were "friends" because both of them were friendly to me at work. A whole bunch of people used to ignore me at work, gossip behind my back and treat me badly. I thought they were the ones that were different. I pay more attention to nonverbal language now. But this whole experience has made me feel very very sick.

[Locke2121]

Well, if your not going to inform people of the truth, at least don't let vicious rumors spread!

[mintblossom]

How do I stop rumors?

 

I've also had to learn firmer boundaries. Before I did not understand much about boundaries or how people try to cross them. But now I do.

 

All I wanted were some real friends or some people to talk to or hang out with. I wanted to make genuine connections and to rebuild a good life for myself. This wasn't what I wanted at all.