NC 9 days, Thinking of Writing Letter (Letter inside) Please Read...

[NyGentleman]

This morning was somewhat tough but went to school and did a chest day at the gym (my fav workout lol )... felt pretty good...Anyway talking to a friend today I realized that im acting like this is the only girl out there right now, and this is def not the case. He made me think about whether or not i love this girl and if i would marry her, and since she is messed up to some degree with alot of things in her life why im stressing all this so bad ...

 

After realizing this and coming to my senses somewhat i thought of an interesting way of handling things from here on in....First off NC is important for awhile longer so that i can fully recover and to give her alot more time to do whatever it is she is doing ...than i thought maybe i could drop her a note and here is what i would say, and lemme know if anyone things this would be a good or bad idea ...thanks...

 

Her name goes here ...

 

Im writing you this letter to reflect on things that have happened over the course of 2yrs with us and to tell you that over the past (x amount of time) I have been thinking about whether or not it is a good idea for us to walk away from eachother. With 2mos left of school the chance for us to fix whatever it is we have left is getting slimmer and slimmer. I too have been feeling very confused with feelings and emotions about what went down, maybe my feelings weren't as authentic as i thought they were and maybe bc we never gave anything a real shot is the reason why this confusion is coming out now ..I do not know...We have history together, something i know you believe in, and think is important, we have shared experiences, laughs, good times and bad times together and id like to think we know eachother better than anyone else out there. As for what we are feeling now, its hard to understand and figure out but what i do know is that when we use to kiss there was an unexplainable passion there that i get butterflies over just thinking about and when other things followed there was an intensity there that made the best in both of us come out. I remember when we would see eachother there was an automatic spark there everytime that was amazing, its what made us so close and comfortable with eachother and that was a good thing... (and how do i know there was a spark, well just to see your smile and shyness with me for the first 5 secs was enough for me to figure it out) ..With that being said i do believe we shared something special and do believe that there is some kind of emotion there between the 2 of us with this bond we had. Alot of the relationship we had towards the end was based on me giving my all to you, something i wasnt exactly happy about because i knew that wasnt the way it was suppose to be, i never understood why you weren't showing me your all and this made me frustrated and upset...I do not know what the future will hold for us, but i do know that something feels like its missing when we dont talk, or we dont hang out ...im not writing you this to patch things up, im writing you this to explain to you that i think it might be a big mistake to let whatever it is we have left to slip away ...i know you feel something inside about all this, so i ask you one last question in hopes this time you will be honest and straight forward to me, do you want to walk away from the history we shared together and never talk again, or do you want to start over and see what happens from there ...there is really no pressure on this bc if you dont reply ill have my answer and if you do than you do ...im trying to step it up one last time and see what happens, its hard to say that all this was a waste of time bc that is something i dont wanna believe...i know deep down you feel some things, and think about all the conflicting things we told eachother in emails prior to us not talking...Its def easier to think that nothing is there when we arent in eachothers presense but its another story when we see eachother and this is been the case the entire time we've known eachother...there is something there that makes us become who we are when we are together ...this is why its hard to walk away ...

 

Something like this is what im thinking of sending her in some time from now...

[crvers]

The track records for letters working out in a positive way are pretty slim in breakups. For the most part they are passive and have a degree of separation. Also, I have watched/done this myself... Sending a letter in the hopes of a reaction. Unfortunately life isn't like the movies, and don't end off well with glamorious attempts of affection.

 

If you really need to share your feelings with her, set up a date if possible to sit down and talk rationally with one another. Its the best way to see her body chemistry and her reactions. If you have the strength for it, then this is my advice. Otherwise, write what you need to write, print it out and put it in a safe spot. But don't send it.

[NyGentleman]

Although this maybe true, than can I ask why after about 1 months time of NC with her ex, the emails from him started pouring in (the i miss talking to you etc..emails) and she broke down ultimately forcing us into oblivion....

 

Track record with her is this, she is afraid of making the first move in any direction for the fear of rejection so the guy must do it, in our situation she walked away just when things started to get serious...and now we are in NC but as for the ex him emailing her brought her back to square 1 with him to a degree explaining to me she wasnt over her past ...now after sometime with me and NC and an email, anything is possible, but maybe i am just thinking way to positive...if we are in NC there is no way to make a date with her bc it would be to awkward ...

[mikeca]

I think your over examinating the situation...well this may be all well and good I'd take a look at yourself on day 30 of NC, you'll find things tend to change quite profoundly. I remember thinking how easy NC was in principle but then there were days (like you at the gym or after) ...maybe if I did this...or had some other brilliant idea in an email and some of them I listened to and nothing worked out but I felt better the ones I chose not to run with.

 

 

even now to be brutally honest I'm letting go in some mindset but I still plan to contact her down the road to see if theres anything there and in fact it was meant to be or not

[crvers]

Awkward or not, actually communication in person is much better than emails. Its a more grown-up approach to confront the issues face to face than through email. Although I do concede that here is an advantage to speaking that way because your able to say everything you need to say without pause, I also believe that in person your able to better access the situation.

 

If you have no idea whats going on with her right now in terms of her boyfriend, then you make be walking into additional knowledge you may not want to know ie. they may have gotten back together.

 

Decide for yourself if you want to try and get her back. If you do, then the best course of acton is to try and go for coffee to discuss the situation. If she rejects that idea, than you would be better to prepare yourself to move on. For one thing, you deserve someone who would want to be with you and have dealt with their past demon. And the secondly, if it is right than the ex shouldn't have been an issue in the first place.

[NyGentleman]

your right, but as im assuming its way to early to make any judgement decisions do you agree? I mean i wanna feel that great feeling again when things were at its best, but as always i dont think i was the main focus during the end anyway which is hard...i do know though that getting into her head is fairly easy as you can tell with the ex and his emails, and the fact thats how i landed her with a letter telling her i liked her, printed out and given to her ...

 

Tomorrow night i actually have to see her this maybe the hardest part of the NC phase, we have one night class together ...how would anyone react?

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, you will never feel that good again.

 

You will always remember this.

 

Fact is, her ex was probably already in her head. Did she leave him for you, or was she on the rebound. Do you really want someone who can be swayed so easily?

 

Stick with the NC. You'll feel bad first, but you will feel better.

[crvers]

Unfortunately thats tough. But the best course would be to, if you have to speak with her, is to keep everything short and light.

[NyGentleman]

I was actually her friend for awhile, helped her get through the breakup and than we found eachother, the twisted thing was i was also coming out of a LTR myself ...maybe we were rebounds together maybe not, intially it may seen like that but when you factor in the I love you's, the maybe we should just get marrieds, the you must meet my friends theyve been dying to meet you etc.. and all the small roles i played in her life aside from all that it seemed different...

 

Anyway i am really nervous about seeing her tomorrow and having to be in a possible social situation with her ...with NC being the strongest its ever been my first reaction is to ignore her and be cool with some of my guy friends, is that to harsh? should i say hello to her or goodbye later for that matter idk, right before spring break and my bday too dammmm....

[Altruist]

Its best to talk to her in person. From all the backgroung info, IMO this relationship cannot be salvaged except if you just want to be friends with her. A woman who tells me that she is not over her ex clearly shows me that she does not love me enough to pursue a relationship with her.

[blender]

the best thing and most attractive, empowering, healing thing to do when you see her is to be lite and polite, say hello, and do not initiate conversation, (because she is the one who made a choice to end the relationship, respect this and give her space) and also say goodbye if it happens to be in the circumstance polite to do so, like if she is in your eye line, or whatever..

 

For right now you are still too emotionally vulnerable to declare all your feelings and maybe get really disappointed or rejected.. your just not emotionally detached enough from the whole break up yet... and also SHE is NOT making any intentional effort to be in contact with you.. (I know she's never the one to initiate, we all make that excuse for our exes)

 

separate your "feelings" from the "facts"..

 

you "feel" hopeful that maybe she would respond to your pursuing her the way she did with her ex-ex, and that she's not the type to have the nerve to approach you first".. okay?

 

But the FACT is, she had the nerve to "end the relationship first" so the FACT is she does what she wants when she wants to...

 

so trust that if this girl is "interested" in trying again with you.. then nothing would stop her from telling you.. because obviously nothing stopped her from ending it... no matter how hurt or disappointed you were, she still had the where with all inside of herself to say what she wanted or didn't want, right?

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting, but the toughest thing to do is the most powerful thing to do and that is to "accept" her choice... and save your email you wrote, and wait a bit and re-read it again in a week or so, and see if you still "feel" if it's appropriate, self respecting, and also respectful of her as well.. and as far as seeing her in class goes, just be nice, polite, and keep busy with whatever YOU are doing...

 

The reason I give you this perspective is because I think you have tried to reach out and ask her to try again as a couple before right?

 

Or did you just walk away and accept it when she ended the relationship?

[Altruist]

I agree entirely blender=D>

[NyGentleman]

Blender,

 

Background, she didnt see me as bf material when she was blinded by the ex the 2nd time they tried things out, i left for 3 weeks MIA and NC and she eventually got in touch with me and wanted to see me even more, loong story short, she stopped talking to the ex, asked me for another chance and away we go for 4 mos, no officialness but might as well have been ....

 

becoming official was a stretch, i asked her out Vday and she looked freaked out, i said give it some time and lemme know, 2 days later i get the i think i wanna be with you and wham we are together, 4 days later, we are sitting in my house after an intimate night together and i get the weirdness look..we go on to talk about our ex's for no apparent reason and i find out the ex has been emailing her, when i hear this i get nervous and mad and say i need to ask you something, do you still wanna be with me...flat out, took her about 20mins and than the nervous look again, i dont think i can be serious with anyone right now...

 

A sting of emails follow and things were said, and things were said somemore before i wrote a huge email saying i need to take some time away ...that lasted an 30mins and than well we talked on aim for like an hour after that and everything was weird, but the same message was replied, i cant be serious with anyone right now....here and there i got the i dont think you should wait around, thats not fair, i wanna be with you for the right reasons, etc...and finally NC began...from what i have heard from a mutual friend without prying she is confused now with everything she has said to me and whether or not it was real...wow ....

 

but to reiterate i always had to be the one first to say or ask something, she had no communication skills with me or the ex for that matter (she blames that for one of the reasons why he got frustrated with her..) yeah than and umm him roughing her up or threatning her, great guy...anyway it sounds all bad but it feels different this time around with the NC because she ignored me the other day when we saw eachother for the first time...i was blown away..for someone who said she would always be there for me, that was a slap in the face, hence she fear prob talking to me would lead to rejection....writing all this im thinking wow this girl is really a wacko and prob not my best choice and i guess what burns me up is she was making all the decisions, and i was left alone in all this to just take it...my thoughts are if i drop this email on her she will awaken and see im right possibly and not wanna walk away and possibly wanna start over and by than i can make the decision is she worth all this trouble yet again...i think if i didnt have to see her for the next 6 weeks, 1 night a week i would be fine, its seeing her that makes me feel like i dont even know who she is anymore, and that sucks since we started out such close friends...

 

but your right she did come back to me when i had the upper hand though, when i told her maybe one day you will realize whats infront of you and not worried about some guy who treats you like garbage...3 weeks later 2 emails, and one meeting was all it took for her to be on me like flies on .....the other issue was we had superior attraction to eachother but that might have been it...but i felt as if it was very passionate and intense as well as she did ...but i guess thats not enough? can you not develop feelings when the sex is good? ....i always thought the opposite that screwed up all relationships in the end....guess not here...

[blender]

QUOTE: (NyGentleman)writing all this im thinking wow this girl is really a wacko and prob not my best choice and i guess what burns me up is she was making all the decisions, and i was left alone in all this to just take it. (END QUOTE)

 

After reading your last post, this paragraph jumped out at me, it's so revealing, as to who you "hoped' she 'could" be, in contrast to what her "behavior" is truly revealing as to who she is, and where she is "emotionally right now" in her life, AND also what YOU would allow to yourself to go through...

 

You said, "i was left alone in all this to just take it.". This is not accurate, because if you want to really have a mature, loving, long lasting relationship with anyone, the first thing you have to do is be "emotionally responsible" for YOURSELF.. and you were not "left alone in all this to just take it".. YOU made a CHOICE to "just take it", you are still in her life, not because she "makes you do that" but because you "choose to be".. this is about having emotional responsibilty for YOUR own choices.

 

the fact is, although there are "feelings" involved, you still always have a 'CHOICE" to make decisions based on 'self respect" and not just based on what you "hope" or "want"..

 

You can't just deny her words, and choices and choose to only focus on her "weak and tender" moments, so you can allow yourself to "hope".. instead include all the things you know, include all the facts, and try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" so that you can in a self respecting way make better choices for your heart and respect hers at the same time.. and sometimes this means, "letting go".

 

Once she repeated the behavior and the words a few times of: "nervous look again, i dont think i can be serious with anyone right now..."

 

Those are pretty CLEAR SIGNALS.. right? Why ignore them and continue to be "just there" in her life?

 

Because If you were acting and making choices based on "self respect and also truly "hearing" her" well, you would then have the self respecting option to say to her:

 

"You've told me you are not "ready to be serious" so I will respect that, I hope you can then respect the fact that I will now move on and I wish you only the best, and you know how to contact me if and or when you discover that you do want to take what we share seriously, but until then, respectfully I have to move on, because it's not okay for me to just "be there" while you are sitting on the fence, because I care for you too much and I respect myself enough to not allow myself to be just a "temporary emotional bridge" in your life, so I'm sure you can understand that if or until you are fully wanting to intentionally work on us being a couple, it's better that we don't have contact right now, so I can move on and heal, and you can go find what it is you need in your own life as well."

 

Saying the above to her, is the self loving, honest, realistic, respecting way to set some values/standards for your own heart, and if you don't do so, trust the fact that no one else will learn to "value your heart" either.. this is all about YOU changing YOUR pattern in this "unhealthy habit' that this relationship/friendship has become..

 

And if she does not respond in an understanding way to YOUR setting some self respecting value for yourself, and your relationship with her, then thank god you discover this now, so you can no longer waste energy, hope, and your heart on someone who does not know how to respect and value you as you should be..

 

staying with someone who does not respect and value you on a consistent level.. well that is YOUR choice to do, but it's not a healthy one.. and it doesn't build any thing on a "strong foundation", instead it's just a shaky, temporary, power struggle, and that is no where near "love"...

 

So for today "love yourself enough" to not take what she says or does "personally" and just know that what she is doing is all about HER, her own life pattern, and it says so much more about how "emotionally mixed up" she is right now, then it will ever say about you.

 

After all the fact is, you've been there for her, you've shown her respect, affection, and she's just in a emotional place right now that is "selfish and unsure" so it's best for you to let go for awhile, step back, and write down all your "feelings/hopes" about her and this relationship on a piece of paper, and then on a separate piece write down all the "facts" about her and this relationship, and then see how many from each page actually match up.. (don't make excuses for her, just write down the reality of all this so far) seperating feelings from facts will allow you to re-gain some perspective.

 

remember there is no real need for you to send her any long emails right now, it's not about "changing her" at this point, it's about controlling the only thing you have power over and that is YOURSELF and YOUR OWN choices..respect yourself, hear her clearly, and let go with respect and love.. this is the most empowering, attractive, healing thing to do...

 

Hope this was of some help... best, Blender

[NyGentleman]

Thanks,

 

This sure was a help in many ways, I do now know that sending her an email right now is not the way to go...and in my realization i have to understand that she made a decision to walk away, and can also make the decision to contact me as well ...if thats what was important to her...at this time its been a rollercoaster of emotion and idk why bc usually im not that stressed about this kind of stuff..I thnk it might have had to do with my past and how this was my first relationship after my long term one, and i put alot of emphasis on this working out and she being the perfect girl for me (being that i knew her so well, so i thought) ....

 

I wish at times i didnt have to see her or sometimes think how it would be if we didnt meet, but thats life and things arent that easy...i just wish i knew if she was actually going through any of this or if this was harder for me...i tend to think for now (although not sure) that for her it could be easier to get over me with the ex being around to mask all the feelings we shared...but like i said i dont know or care for that matter for that situation if its true.....

 

I guess my closesure isnt really about whether or not she isnt ready to be serious with me, its about whether or not she wants to walk away from everything we shared ...maybe its the same thing, but i feel as if it was all fake that everything we went through wasnt real anymore because of the NC and the lack of importance of not talking things through...but really what is there to talk about? Being friends again, starting over? I dont think that either one of us would be able to handle that right now...prob more so on my part..but i guess in my own fantasy world i thnk of the past and how she came back to me after 3 weeks realizing what was important in her life at the time (me) and that kills me ...but its that 2nd chance that was taken advantage of right from there for her not being honest with me when things changed...

 

Someone who can act and share things with you that arent real just to make you happy is someone who doesnt have a soul, or heart...and its alot easier to say things to a friend about your SO when they arent around, versus when they are around....Im ranting i know but in reality i thought she was someone else, a perfect potential girlfriend who i believe and trusted in, would have gone to the depths of the earth for ...who would stick by my side through thick and thin and be with me for me ...guess not, ...let the healing continue...and no emails to send....

[blender]

yes, the urges for "contact" are merely a temporary emotional fix, only to lead us back to the "acceptance" that it's time to "let go" for today.. the highs and lows are like waves hitting a shore, so just remember that those "lows" will receed, each time getting less and less as you continue to make a more self respecting choice to maintain no contact and get busy with your own life, self improvement, self work, and the future will be full of miracles for you.

 

because our real pain is prolonged with "resistance" It is in "acceptance" that we begin to heal, grow, and celebrate all the possiblities outside the "emotional habit" we have allowed the ex to become in our lives.. it's all about choice on how you look at it..

 

so try "acceptance" for a few days, do nothing regarding HER, and just do things that are about making yourself feel happy and whole on your own.. this is the most attractive, healing, empowering thing to do.. and yes at first it is the most difficult thing to do..

 

but without doing the self work, the letting go, the acceptance, the realizing that you are NOT interested in anyone who is no longer willing to make an intentionaly loving loyal effort to be in YOUR life..

 

unless you realize all this and love yourself, you will never be able to fully be ready to love on a mature, secure, loyal, joyful, respectful and self respecting long lasting love..

 

and this is what you deserve so hold your head up high, accept things just as they are, and you will see how much better you will feel...and how attractive you will become to wonderful, emotionally sound, loyal, self respecting women... best, blender

[Armyguy3682003]

I would not write the letter. Letters do not do any good. I have experienced this myself twice and it did nothing. I know its hard to do, but if you have to, meet her in person and you can express your emotions. Its also easier to see her expressions and body language. I know its hard to let her go. I am still hurt by my last ex last July. I wrote her poems and letters, but it did nothing.

 

Your best thing to do and its hard to do, is to let her go if she isnt ready to be with you. Yes, I know, its hard to hear and do. But, I have realized that if you try more and more to be with her, you will end up pushing her away, like I did with my last two ex's. If they have made up their mind they dont want to be with you, then let them go. You have to ask yourself as well, why do you want to be with someone who really doesnt want to be with you? If you let her go, she will think of you and how much she misses you. By chasing her, she doesnt have any time to think about what you guys had together. Its hard to hear, but they have always said, if it was meant to be, it would be and she will come back. I didnt believe that at first, but I believe it now. My first ex broke up with her boyfriend and she couldnt live without him and vise versa. They got back together and very happy together.