Friends with benefits... is there any good way to ask?

[Doodles]

Recently broke up with a girl who I'd been seeing for about a month. We called it off because I was looking for something more serious and she's not at that place right now.

 

So I'm thinking, this should be pretty easy but I don't want to up the friendship. We're still on really good terms.

 

Is this something I should even ask about beforehand? Should I just be honest and say exactly what I think without dancing around it? Is there some other way of putting it that doesn't sound so... blahy? Or should I just avoid talking about it until after the next time we hang out and I have a chance to make a move?

 

Thanks folks

[agent1607307371]

Do you really just want to have sex with her, or do you see this as a way of becoming more involved with her.

[DizzyDoris]

I split up with my boyfriend recently, he has just asked me this via an email. I was horrified that he thought so little of me and it made me wonder if the whole relationship to him was just about sex.

 

I think if you did ask her, be prepared for a big fat NO. Especially if you wanted something more serious, she might not want to encourage you.

 

But who knows she could say yes, if you dont ask you dont get! I think its a bad idea sleeping with an ex though, as more often than not, one person will have stronger feelings than the other, and someones gonna end up getting hurt.

[Doodles]

If you broke it off then I think it would be wrong to ask for FWB as she may see it as a way for you two to stay/get back together.

 

Don't mess with her emotions

 

It was a mutual decision.

 

Do you really just want to have sex with her, or do you see this as a way of becoming more involved with her.

 

Neither really. I know it wont lead to anything but we had a pretty intense physical connection and I miss that.

[Seraphim]

There is no good way to ask. If it was me I would feel cheap after. I have been in that situation and struggling to leave it behind. There is nothing that makes one feel worse than knowing you are an object for someone else;s pleasure. Sorry, but that is the way I feel about it, maybe she sees it differently.

[Doodles]

How did it happen? Talk it over first or actions first that led to talk?

 

I figured out that if I do say something I'm going to use the term "open relationship". That better suits what I'm looking for.

[agent1607307371]

So you want to be her bf and date other people...

 

How did you get from wanting to be more serious to that?

[lady00]

It sounds like you will be the one who ends up getting hurt in that situation. You said you wanted to get serious with her but she didn't want that. So while it was a "mutual decision" it was really her who didn't want things to continue and you who did. If you start an FWB relationship, you will probably redevelop those feelings of wanting something more serious and get hurt in the process.

[studbaker99]

well

 

I was in a FWB situation, and she didnt (and doesn't, hah)want to get too serious. We had one of those talks where she was telling me this (as a preempt to break off) and I told her that "hey I'm cool with it too (not getting serious), I think we really got a good physical connection and I'd love to keep that" to which she went something like "yah I really enjoy it too its fun" so that kinda got established and we still hung out but we were still kinda dating, so it wasn't like I could just call her out of the blue to do the nasty, or her. However, that's how I chose to pursue it (with me it was a bit of a trying to stay still in the pic with hopes of more), but I can see how we could just keep it friendly after that conversation,go our "separate ways" and I could call her up once in a while see what she was up to and if she wanted to "hang out".... the between the lines being of course, the benefits. And then its up to her.

 

So I guess for you, just call her up and ask if she wants to "hang out" making it sound somewhat obviously that is benefit related. Maybe "wanna hang out and watch a movie at my place" . I think she could pick up on that if she's interested.

[Doodles]

That sounds like the best plan for me I think studbaker.

 

 

Guess I should give more details about my situation anyway. She told me from the start she wasn't looking for anything serious. At the time I thought I was looking for something serious but lied to myself and told her that was alright.

 

Fast forward to to end and we were chatting about seriousness and stuff. It came up because she blew off plans we'd made and didn't tell me until the day of. I definitely overreacted but still not cool on her part. Anyway, at that point I told her I was looking for something serious. She suggested it might be best if we break it off, I agreed.

 

After about a week of serious thought on my part we went out for lunch. I told her what was on my mind. That what we had prior to the talk had been perfect and anything more serious than that would be bad for me at this point as well (moving far away in the fall).

 

I'm pretty sure she thought I wasn't being totally truthful about changing my mind, she told me she didn't think she could be the type of girlfriend I wanted her to be or something.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, I don't think she is going to agree to be fwb.

 

She is most likely going to see it as an attempt to "keep" her, and make things awkward between you.

[lady00]

Honestly, I don't think she is going to agree to be fwb.

 

She is most likely going to see it as an attempt to "keep" her, and make things awkward between you.

 

I agree with this. Were you really being honest with yourself when you told her after a week that you had changed your mind and didn't want anything too serious?

 

Look, it seems to me that she doesn't want any kind of relationship with you beyond friendship. I am guessing that by her reaction to you asking if things could go back to the way they were and her responding that she didn't want that. I think when she said she didn't want anything serious, she was just trying to say in a nice way that she didn't want a relationship of any kind. It's likely she will see "friends with benefits" as a way of you trying to keep her or maybe get her to eventually change her mind and she probably won't agree to it.

[Doodles]

I didn't change my mind. I just had a realization that what I'd told her wasn't what I really wanted.

 

I have to say though, all of the female responses to the entire idea have been negative. That's probably a sign.

[studbaker99]

btw,

 

the reason I was 'okay' with just being fwb was that (and I told her this) I was going to move far away in 5 months time. I think that allowed her to accept our situation and let it carry on.

 

fast forward a year, and we're still together in some limbo 'this is not serious' (but exclusive) relationship. heh. So if you have any intentions of it becomeing something more serious, well, the future might not be too bright down the line either.