Fight or flight

[teach]

Hi all again.

 

Well, i wrote on here a few weeks ago about whether or not i should say anything to my friend who I wanted to date. I had been good friends with her for 3 years and we got on great, but she had a boyfriend all this time. About four months ago she split up with him, and all my friends were telling me they were sure she liked me, that we always flirt and that we got on great and should go for it.

 

Well on saturday night after a few drinks, I told her what I thought. She kept on saying that, 'but I work with you' and that she wouldn't be good enough for me in this way and that. Never-the-less, she ended up at my place and we had sex.

 

I asked her the next day if she regreted it, and she replied 'you know i love you, even when sober'. And things have carried on as friends. However, her ex has booked them a holiday in his attempt to try to win her back, and she had already accepted to go with him before saturday night. I have a feeling that even though she does like me, that she wants to give him a chance first. Although she doesn't seem convinced that they should be together even after 10 years. Yet she doesn't give much away so it is really hard to read her, and hasn't really said anything about it since, either way.

 

My question is, in situations like this, when I believe she clearly likes me, and when perhaps she woud like to date properly do you fight for the girl and show her that you are interested and would be good together. Or do you leave well alone and hope she realises it for herself, even if she does try again with her ex? I suppose its a fine line to draw. Please, especially women advise, do you like being shown, or do you like being left to make your own mind up?

[doblersdream]

Hi Teach

 

Thanks for taking the time to share your predicament with us.

 

From what you have posted, it seems you and your friend are both very confused, but for different reasons. If your friend's ex wasn't on the scene, then i'd be telling you to go for it, but all signs point to her still being too emotionally tied to him to be able to begin anything new with you.

 

Don't read too much into the fact that you had sex. If anything it's probably just confused your friend even more. The best thing you can do is tell her that you're there for her as a friend. For a relationship to develop, you need to let her get her ex 'out of her system' first.

[Locke2121]

Sorry, but sounds like your in the Friend Zone dude. There is nothing wrong with that! But you need to start looking for someone else.

[JoeWho]

She seems like she is very confused and probably hung up on her ex. Put some distance between her and yourself and look for another girl for now. Maybe in a few months she would be ready to date you, but for now you are in the land of friends with benefits, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think you are looking for more than that.

[Beec]

I would certainly not pursue her, and would tell you that you would be doing yourself a disservice by doing anything that would seem sweet or nice to win her over. You could consider seducing her, but that is risky and those sweet things won't help you.

 

I would take to treating her as a friend, but always looking at her, even at times leering,and letting her see it, as a woman that you see should be naked in bed beneath you.

[teach]

Yeah,

 

I've always thought best to leave alone. And she did say that its made things more complicated.

 

But do just want to clarify few things. She did split up with him, after snogging someone else, and after saying she didn't fancy him anymore. It is not only me she has slept with since, and she initiated the sex. She sends me quite a lot of nice messages herself.

 

But if these make no difference to your advice, i'll do just that and leave alone. I was going to at first its others that persuaded me differently.

 

Thanks for your replies

[doblersdream]

If she's slept with other people since, all the more reason for you not to pursue anything with her until she decides what/who she wants. Personally i'd be majorly put off by her sleeping around and then agreeing to go on holiday with her ex. She might very well be a good friend, but as a potential girlfriend, sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[teach]

No, she doesn't sleep around usually. She was with her boyfriend 10 years and never cheated. I think thats one of the main reasons she did split with him cos she hates cheaters and she snogged someone else one night.

 

But like i said her dad says 'we'll get married one day', her best mate has asked me a few times if i like her, and that her and her ex aren't suited anymore.

 

I suppose though its not down to these people its down to her. I just wanted to know how far i should let my feelings be known?

[Beec]

But do just want to clarify few things. She did split up with him, after snogging someone else, and after saying she didn't fancy him anymore. It is not only me she has slept with since, and she initiated the sex. She sends me quite a lot of nice messages herself.

 

I think you wrote the above to clarifiy things for readers on the forum, but I want to make sure. Don't talk to her to clarify things. That will hurt your cause.