How does everyone deal?

[mariab.]

I guess my question is how does everyone deal? Today is day 29th of no contact for me but I seem to be having a bad time. My question is what is everyone doing to heal? I have turned to Eastern philosophy, and to alcohol ha ha just kidding. The days do not drag anymore & I do not feel that connected w/ him but it saddens me and angers me too. So..how did people cope w/ the grief and feeling of betrayal? And" youjust do" doesn't help.

[Lady Bugg]

Truthfully Maria....I think the passage of time helps...BUT....I think where a lot of people get messed up here is that they count the days....and then think they are supposed to MAGICALLY feel better. Emotions are not set on a timetable. Like for instance..with the No Contact Challenge.....that was a GREAT idea.....because the fact is that distance does help you heal faster.

That being said though...I think if you're not doing things within that time , then you may as well not even bother. By doing things..I mean doing things that are TRULY helping you become a better person..like volunteering, etc. Just sitting around and marking days off the calendar...are NOT "healing".

TRUE healing takes time.....and you will get there, so don' be so hard on yourself. You're doing great!

[mariab.]

Thanks! I understand about just taking a break by doing no contact and healing yourself. My question was what to people do to heal and to deal? Do you see a therapist (do they tell you good advice you can share?) do you go out all the time? does that help in the long run? I guess I am looking for strategies for dealing.

[Lady Bugg]

Maria, I guess that WAS the answer..LOL

I guess what i meant was..that just simply waiting for time to pass

is NOT helpful..So, YES, keeping busy with things...like volunteering, DOES help and not only that, but it makes you feel more useful. Personally I think

that thinking of others during a time of duress is extremely theraputic.

I am sure counseling helps as well.....

The key is to NOT get caught up in the misery, you know?

[Me and myself]

This break-up made me look to the relationship trying to understand what went wrong...what I discovered made then look to all my past relationships. I noticed some issues about myself, some behaviour patterns, lack of confidence, self-esteem, etc.

So, this made me want to improve myself....I'm reading books, practicing self-improvements methods and I'm starting to be really interested about this, not only to improve myself, but also because I'm finding it fascinating.

Other than this, I post here, go out at the weekends with friends, spend more time alone and enjoying my own company.

[JoeWho]

For me what I did to deal with it was to stay as busy as I possibly could for the first few months. The less time I had to think and dwell on the break up the faster I seemed to heal. Really time is what heals you the most though and you just have to be patient.

[shes2smart]

Thanks! I understand about just taking a break by doing no contact and healing yourself. My question was what to people do to heal and to deal? Do you see a therapist (do they tell you good advice you can share?) do you go out all the time? does that help in the long run? I guess I am looking for strategies for dealing.

 

Remember this: DISTRACTION IS YOUR FRIEND.

 

In the aftermath of varioius break-ups, I have done all of the following (no matter if I was dumper or dumpee):

 

took classes...everything from basic auto maintenance to yoga to cooking to personal finance. Only stipulation was that it had to be something I had an interest in.

 

took up a new hobby or returned to an old one...sewing, owning and racing harness horses & helping friends with their horses on race nights (this was a very time-consuming hobby and got unfortunately shelved if whoever I was seeing wasn't into horses...when I got married, I made sure he was into the horses and racing so I wouldn't have to give it up until I was ready to)

 

went to therapy with a counselor.

 

went to a massage therapist on a regular basis.

 

wrote volumes in my journal.

 

planned and took vacations by myself. nothing like getting away and realizing there's all kinds of world and people to explore.

 

treated myself very well including: dinners out at nice restaurants (alone), time with old friends, massages/pedi/mani, etc, clothing or other "retail therapy"...while staying in the reasonable constraints of what I could afford.

 

planning and carrying out a personal healing ritual...including things like writing out everything I wanted to say to the ex, going to a secluded place in nature and reading the letter out loud to the trees, then burning the letter and scattering the ashes...taking a piece of jewelry one ex had given me going on vacation and throwing it out in the desert whilst screaming at the top of my lungs....all very symbolic/cathartic....

 

that oughta keep ya busy for a little while.