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I have a question... is it normal to feel a lot of emotional ups and downs... sometimes I seem to even be happy, but then I am slammed back into depression again. It is like I have bipolar disorder, and I know that normally I was never like this before, but since I broke up with my ex...


And also, lately I've been having a lot of childish fantasies about "showing off" to my ex... or getting revenge through self improvement and whatnot. Basically, I have been working on improving my self-appearance among other things and I fantasize about being better than her, or becoming a better person... I know all of this is very childish, but I cannot help but to fantasize about it... and it keeps me going. I just hope that this isn't considered lingering on the past and not moving on mentally because I very much want to move on with my life. I am tired of her being so important to me in my mind. I just want to reduce her to nothing.


The thing is, the only way I can do this is to change myself and my lifestyle drastically, which I have set out to do... I cannot be the same person I once was anymore. Now, this is hard. This is actually harder than moving on from our break up because she left me in this place and now I have to find a way out alone.


Hm, that's all.

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It sounds like what you are going through is very normal. I feel the same way. I want my ex to try to crawling back to me, only for me to turn away. I'm a very nice guy, but improving myself and proving that I deserve better is what has kept me going.


This is how you will make it through a strong, better person.


Good Luck, and know it will get better with time and space.

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Hey there,


Everything you have described is VERY common and normal. That dreaded emotional roller coaster. I call it emotional "detoxing." It is your mind, emotions, and even the body adjusting to life without your ex. There is quite a bit of adjusting.


Also, you are perhaps experiencing the five stages of grief. Here are a few articles on them if you would like some more information....


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As far as having thoughts of showing off in front of your ex...that is normal too. To me, this is because she rejected you and you need to show her you are not a "reject" or that you are worthy. You feel you need that validation. All very normal. But as soon as you get your life back together and start moving on, those feelings and needs will go away.


The good thing about expereincing this emotional rollercoaster allows you to expell all those yucky feelings, get them out of your system so in a future relationship, you will not be bogged down with emotional baggage. Next time around, you will be ready.


Hang in there.

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It seems like these are very normal reactions. I think your feelings are extremely reasonable. I think your ups and downs are due to dealing with a loss. Or have you always had those ups and downs? If they came right after the relationship break, you can attribute it to that.


What worries me a little...for your well being...is wanting her to be reduced to nothing. That hurts YOU. And it does nothing to her. Can you imagine how much better and more calm you would feel if you just wished her the best?


I do this with my exes and when I see them, it's peaceful and happy.

(EX: "I really hope my ex can straighten out his money habits so he can buy a nice place for the kids when they come to visit and he's less stressed out in general. Then I imagine him with the kids smiling and relaxed with his new girl -sunny-with a pool or whatever).


This makes me feel more peaceful than most things. I think this is why forgiveness is so important. It helps YOU immensely.

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Isisastara, I don't know how you can do that, be so peaceful minded and thinking towards the ex, especially if he dumped you for someone else. Don't you ever wish them the pain they caused you, or else wish their new relationship wouldnt work out so they would come back to you? I would think that most people when they are hurt badly, that is what would be going through their minds.


How do you manage to get to that point that you wish them well and WANT good for them, esp if they kicked you face first to the ground and stomped all over your heart?

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Ren: to answer your question, you simply pray for their wellbeing. Orlander told me this and I laughed at first. For one thing, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool agnostic with strong athiestic suspicions. Secondly, I'm of Italian descent, and we Italians aren't the forgiving sort. But seriously, this works, even if you don't really believe in God or forgiveness. Lo and behold, a few weeks of doing this, I forgave him! I mean, it really happened! I really don't have any ill-will left towards him at all. Mind you, I've had ten months of no contact to sort out my feelings, but my hate is gone.


ColdWinterForest: DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF COMPETITION. I swear, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to one-up your ex at this stage in your healing process. Competitiveness is a great motivator for self-improvement. As Kellbell said, you won't hang on to these feelings forever. Just understand this: the areas in which you're "competing" with your ex are things you've wanted for yourself all along. Example: I was always threatened by my ex's popularity. It took breaking up to understand that I was jealous with his easy interactions with everyone. Now I have this skill myself. So yeah, it's stuff you needed to work on anyway, so don't think it's weird to feel like this.


You're doing fine. Just fine. Keep pushing yourself.

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Finewhine: OOOh I agree. competition gets us back on our feet! I don't see it as "he dumped me for someone else". I think of it as, "We weren't okay together and I don't want someone who puts someone else before me".


It really does makes sense, and I'm engaged now to a guy who I am much happier with (doesn't mean we dont' have our issues).


It wasn't in the cards. If a leaf is in a stream that is flowing toward the ocean, why should it struggle? It's going to the ocean no matter how much it would kick or struggle not to. Go with the flow. (A buddhist taught me that).

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It seems we are in the same boat. I'm also feeling ups and downs and this is mking feel really confused, mainly because I don't see her for almost two months. I think this should have gone already.

Just like you, I have found confort in learning and practicing self-improvement technics. It helps me to go through the few free times I have and I feel I'm looking to myself and working to myself, which gives a self-cherish good feeling..

I really don't know if I started doing that just to prove my ex anything...I really don't know, but I think not. My last break-up made me look objectively, and for the first time, to all my attitudes and ways of thinking and I noticed that I have been giving myself a lot of hurt since I can remember. So, even if I started my self-improvement because I wanted some kind of revenge, finally I have embraced it because I understood I really need it. I'm enjoying it and I've discovered (and experienced also) that our mind is an amazing thing.

Keep your inner looking and you'll find a new whole world.

Good luck!

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What I meant by that... is that I want to reduce the importance of her in my mind so that she is next to nothing to me. It doesn't mean that I want to wish her harm, or that I even want to wish her well. I just don't want to care anymore. I want to let go of her.... At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever be able to talk to her again. Certainly, I am never going to break NC, so if she decides to contact me someday... Well, let's just say that I really don't have anything to say to her.... Let's just say that things ended terribly between us and in the past couple of months I've come to some harsh conclusions that perhaps I wasn't even truly in love with her anymore anyway. It still hurts, though. She was like FAMILY to me. I don't think I have ever been that close to a single person in my entire life. But, I can tell that I am getting over this -- it has just been a long hard road out of hell. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I think that I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, but I still feel like I have a long way to go. I feel like I have to let go of the person I once was and change myself in order to let go of her...


And I already know that I will always have an emotional scar from this... but that's okay. I just hope that someday I will be able to look back on this as a test of endurance.... Like getting through something horrible in order to get to a better place. It seems to me that last month was a lot harder than this one has been, and that the one before that is unfathomable to reflect upon, so I can tell that things are getting easier. Each day that I make through maintaining NC is a new conquest over this.... And I feel fine today, but I know that I may be thrown back into feeling depressed tomorrow. The ups and downs are kind of hard to deal with because they are so inconsistent...


I never know when I am going to be feeling depressed again.

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Yeah, I have needed this for a long time. It just took the break up in order to make me realize that I needed this change.... I still feel betrayed and hurt and all of that jazz, but I am also curious as to where my life is going to go from here. It's not so predictable anymore. It's not going into the direction I once thought that it would go in and has instead gone into a completely different direction.


I feel like I have an opportunity to redefine myself and to take a hard long look at myself.

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Another thing, what I find strange now.... reflecting upon the entire situation... is how fast it all went by. I knew the girl for five years... practically 1/4 of my entire life... and it all seemed to go by so quickly.


In many ways, I am back at where I first started, and that's alright. She came into my life at a particularly vulnerable time for me, but I have grown passed that now. I know what I want now, so I don't have to take gambles and risks or even depend upon one person for the validation of my own existence anymore. I realize that self-esteem is not external, it is internal. I don't need her in order to feel good about myself. I want to build up my self-esteem... and I realize that I have to learn how to walk on my own again... Perhaps, I have never truly walked on my own before and the break up was the final catalyst I needed in order to open my eyes and realize that I finally need to grow up. I am twenty-one. I am no longer a kid anymore.


In any case, thanks for the support.

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